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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

984 replies

CazandBelle · 28/06/2011 11:13

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

OP posts:
hobnobsaremyfavourite · 30/07/2011 13:48

Sorry to intrude just wanted to say that I have just read PeterPansMums article and your courage and strength is awesome. The photo of you and your DS is beautiful.

Bluetinkerbell · 30/07/2011 14:14

hi all!
ppm lovely article!

Ilike thinking of you and your family today

we are leaving on holiday tonight for a week! looking forward to it! take care and see you all in a week!

shabbapinkfrog · 30/07/2011 14:26

PPM - beautiful article - my DH listened while I read it out to him - he is now sat here with tears rolling down his face. We too were interviewed by the police after Gareth died....OMG for hours and hours, together and individually. Too much to think about and just so very hard. xx

lavandes · 30/07/2011 17:39

Hi everyone xx

I have just read your article ppm. It was brilliant. You are so brave. The photo of you and your beautuful Gregor is lovely. Life is so cruel and unfair.

I will light a candle for your family tonight ilike and for all our beloved children. xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 30/07/2011 21:14

Thanks for all of your thoughts and kind wishes.

We had a great time in London today and then went to visit C on the way home. M is nearly three so is now at the 'why?, why?' stage, he remembers visiting C's grave from previous visits, but now he is able to verbalise about it.

He talked a lot about C. He asked where he was, he shouted out for him, he said that he loved him, he said that C was baby I's best friend, and that the woodland Where C is buried is C's playground. It all blew me away and broke my heart in equal measure.

We try to answer his questions as honestly as possible, so when he says 'where is C', we are a bit stuck. We don't believe in heaven and hell, but I do think there is somewhere else. But I don't have a name for it and I don't know where it is. If I can't explain it, how can I expect M to understand? We have tried the dead animal analogy with him (our cats leave lots of dead animals in our garden, so he sort of gets what dead means), but he obviously doesn't get it because he still asked where C was.

May I ask what have other people told siblings? I'm stumped tbh. There isn't a chapter in the parenting books that tells you how to explain to your child about a sibling who died before they were born ..........

How can I read your article ppm?

peterpansmum · 30/07/2011 22:24

Thinking of u today ILike xxx

thank you all for your comments about my guardian article. It's the first time I've talked to the press about the day gregor died and the journalist treated me and my story with the greatest of respect. I'm glad I have done it ... I didn't realise they'd print the photo so large, that was a bit of a shock but a good one iykwim as it's one of my fav pics that proudly adorns my fridge Grin

Ilike you are so right about there being no rule book for what to tell siblings. I think honesty is key to what to say... Some of my conversations with my older son start 'i don't know for sure but I believe/think ...' or 'i really don't know the answer to that but what do you think?' I've often found the questions however direct are often them wanting to tell you what they think. If I can get an online link to the guardian article I will post it here xx

peterpansmum · 31/07/2011 08:10

Here's the link to the guardian article xx

shabbapinkfrog · 31/07/2011 08:10

Morning girls xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 31/07/2011 08:32

Thanks for the link ppm, I've seen pictures of Gregor before, but I had forgotten what a beautiful little boy he is. It's a great article, the last paragraph hit a nerve with me. I really do protect other people's feelings and I really need to stop doing it so much.

I feel empty and spent today. Luckily we have another family day together today, but it will be a quiet and relaxed one I hope.

Love to you all xx

TooImmature2BDumbledore · 31/07/2011 12:11

Hi guys, hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected.

Ppm, I got the Guardian on purpose to read your article and it is lovely, and the picture is beautiful. You are so brave!

gingegirl · 31/07/2011 14:02

Lovely picture ppm!! He was such a cute little boy!! You both look so happy! Some parts of your story really hit home for me! When you have to tell your child that their brother ( or sister) has died it's just the hardest thing to do!! I remember Lucy coming down the stairs the morning after Oliver past away my heart felt like it was in my mouth!! I will never forget that feeling!! My husband is going to run the Stroud half marathon to raise money for the Williams syndrome foundation, we feel just because Oliver has past away we can't forget the fact that he had Williams syndrome, it was such a big part of our lives for two years I want to do so much for the charity and I think it might actually help with my grief!

lavandes · 31/07/2011 20:19

Hi ladiesxx

I must say again your Gegor is the most gorgeous litle boy ppm.I hope you don't mind me repeating but I am in the 'why does this happen, it is so unfair' mode I cannot come to terms why this happens and |I don't think I ever will, and to be completely honest I don't want to, there can never be an answer that we can believe is ok.. xx

lavandes · 31/07/2011 22:08

Tonight we were having dinner and listening to music we always do at weekends, difrerent cd each night it was will rock you' cd. 'Who wants to live forever' came on. I said 'you are crying' he said 'no' I said 'you are' he said 'I am'. I cried with him. That is the first time we have cried together since the first days since our Richard died. xx

lavandes · 31/07/2011 22:34

Sorry it was 'we will rock you' cd. We went to see the show a few years ago. xx

Minione · 31/07/2011 23:33

Hi Ladies

PPM A beautiful article and Gregor is the most gorgeous little boy! You must be very oroud and well done xx

ILike - Hope you are well, was thinking of you yesterday xx

Lavandes Sending you a hug and thinking of you xx

Blue Hope you are ok, it must be helpful to know the reasons for your precious Sterre's death but also very hard to take in. Have a good holiday and look after yourself xx

We're off on our holidays this week, well we're going for a few days in Scotland bookended by visiting friends in Washington and SIL in Cheshire. Hope everyone is ok and speak soon xx

shabbapinkfrog · 01/08/2011 00:36

Oh Lavendes - what a brilliant moment....the song is right, in my opinion, WHO WANTS TO LIVE FOREVER??? XXXXX

debivamp · 01/08/2011 00:45

My DD has this book. We both cried at the end wqhenI first read it to her - my mum had not long died. We now have a tradition of reading it once a month, afterwhich I tell her a story about her nanny.

shabbapinkfrog · 01/08/2011 06:41

Morning girls xx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 01/08/2011 09:29

Your post has really touched me Lavandes. That song is very sad isn't it?

Hi Debi, could you post a link to the book please?

deemented · 01/08/2011 09:31

Morning folks.

Hope you are all as ok as you can be. Sending you much much love x

Original poster
CazandBelle · 01/08/2011 09:49

ilike I think debi means the book I typed in as our opening post to this thread. No Matter What by Debi Gliori. blue introduced it to me and its touched me so much since. I know it is special to ppm too.

Sorry I missed your C's birthday. Sending much love.

ppm Gregor is such a stunning little boy. perfect. such a lovely brave article and so sad. I was really touched reading your story like that.

I'm up and down at the moment. Not coping 100% I sorted through Belle's clothes Saturday. Boxed up all her pink things and kept all the white/neutral stuff back for Xander. My landing is full of pink ready to go in the attic. It hurts so much that it isn't needed and may never be used. It was all so beautiful. I'll make Xander's place in this world, his things, redoing the nursery for him beautiful too of course but I'm struggling handing it over from one child to the other and of course so frightened that we'll do all this again and there'll still be no baby to bring home.

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 01/08/2011 10:24

Good to see you Dee - hope 'stuff' is OK with you xxx

Caz - The day after Gareth died I washed and dried all his tiny, tiny clothes....then packaged them up and took them to the SCBU at our local childrens hospital??????? I knew how many tiny, sick babies were there and I just needed to take his clothes to them.....very strange how my mind works - all the staff, who I knew personally, stared at me with open mouths not knowing what to say. I just stood and looked into the little room that was always his. Then I went home and took his cot apart and put it in the loft.....I think that I had lost the plot totally xxx

spilttheteaagain · 01/08/2011 14:48

Hello ladies
ppm that's a wonderful article. My heart was in my mouth reading it, so hoping the story would change and Gregor would be saved Sad He is such a gorgeous little boy, beautiful brown eyes.

lavandes crying together is so precious, there's a closeness about it that's hard to describe. I'm glad the music unlocked that for you.

mini hope you have a lovely holiday.

caz I feel for you going through all Belle's things, it must be so painful x

I've just had an upsetting phonecall to my mum. She rung saying she'd bumped into someone who knew me as a teenager and asked after me. My mum said "Oh yes, spilt's fine, she's expecting our first grandchild very soon!" Except I'm not am I. Why did she need to recount it to me word for word? I've been crying since I hung up. It hurts so much to have Bobbie discounted like that. AIBU though? Bobbie is that difficult middle ground. She was never viable, she died too young to be registered stillborn (20 weeks), legally/technically she didn't exist. But that's not how I see it at all. I count her as my first child and I always will.
I am dreading anyone sending me a card this time saying congratulations on your first baby. I said to DH if that happens I will tear up the card and post the pieces back to them. He looked panicked and said he will vet all the post!

shabbapinkfrog · 02/08/2011 06:29

Morning girls xx

shabbapinkfrog · 03/08/2011 06:47

Morning girls...everybody OK? xx