Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

[CazandBelle]

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

Hi ladies xx

Not been around much lately but you are all in my thoughts. I am a bit up and down at the moment but I know it is just the way this horrible path goes. xx

Morning girls xx

morning girls,hope everyone ok, sorry havent posted lately but have a lot going on at minute ,none of it goodx

Morning girls xx

Good to see you Hazy - sorry 'stuff' is not good for you xxxx

Morning ladies xx

Morning.

Morning ladies xx

Morning all, didn't sleep very well last night, have my appointment with the consultant this afternoon and feel extremely nervous! will we find out if my precious baby was a boy or girl or not? and lots of other questions going through my mind...

Blue - I know I have said this before but write down any questions and, if you need to, write down the answers you are given. My mind always goes totally blank when I have an important meeting. I hope you find some answers xxxx

Morning.

Blue I agree with writing things down, I couldn't remember a thing when I went but then I also couldn't speak; I could barely breathe. I couldn't do anything other than sit there shaking. I learnt a lot more from the letter we received afterwards as that detailed everything. Good luck for today xx

We spoke to the cemetery and the police and both were really nice and helpful. The policeman that came over took a statement and called it in, they'll do what they can and speak to people about it. Hopefully they'll find something out. That's the basics anyway.

Have my first consultant appointment for this pregnancy tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I feel sick and stressed already about it, I've convinced myself that they won't be helpful at all and will dismiss my concerns. I suppose it's better than being positive about it and then disappointed. This way I won't be let down at least.

Hi all,

We've just got back from the hospital.
We found out Sterre was a little baby girl! (It was funny now I think back of the funeral my DD was telling everyone about her baby sister, and she was right!)
She had severe abnormalities and a heart defect which were really incompatible with life. The chances of this recurring in a future pregnancy are extremely slim. We received a copy of the postmortem results and the consultant was very friendly, he didn't explain things in detail, but he said that wasn't really necessary. If I would have more questions after reading the report, I was very welcome to get back to him and he would try to explain.
He also said that the bleeding I had early in pregnancy didn't have any effect on what happened, it was something that went wrong at conception, with the splitting of the cells.
I feel quite relieved now, knowing there was really nothing we could have done, or that I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm glad your appointment was positive blue and that you got the answers you needed about Sterre. It must've been so hard to hear regardless though. Take a few days to let it settle in.

Even though we had no answers for Belle it took a long time to cope with there being no reason; I ended up requesting full access to all my notes through my entire pregnancy and birth because I HAD to read it all, even though it broke my heart all over again too. The hospital were fab and provided me with a senior midwife who sat with my for over 3 hours going through every single page as slowly as I needed her too, and explain all the medical speak. It was only then I could begin to accept no reason. I still battle to really accept it now, although I'm sure I would battle with there being a reason too.

Everything is so double edged isn't it.

I had a feeling Sterre would be a little girl, I don't know why. xx

Hello ladies, things have been hectic with me and i have been popping back n fwd from time to time.

Blue - so sterre was a girl!! you must be exhausted tonight?! am glad you feel relieved and also glad they told you it's not likely to reoccur xx

I have done an interview which will be printed in the family section of this weeks Guardian about the day Gregor died and how we have coped since. It is probably one of the most exhausting things i've done this year but the journalist has been incredibly sensitive and respectful and I hope it reaches out to a few families to seek support or informs those living amongst us about what it is really like. At one point in the article I talk about gaining a lot from talking to other parents who have lost children - I just wanted you guys to know that some of these parents are some of you - I couldn't have got through the last couple of years without you holding my hand during the toughest days xxx

Hazy - Am also thinking of you xxxx

Hi ppm yeah a second DD :) I had a feeling she was, same as when I saw her I knew she had severe abnormalities, but DH thought it was because she had died a few weeks before giving birth. She had a condition called triploidy, which basically means she had 3 sets of chromosomes instead of the normal 2. I did my research now it happened because the egg got fertilized by 2 sperm at the same time and the chances of that happening again are very slim. So the consultant gave us the go ahead of trying again when we're ready ourselves.
I feel very peaceful and calm tonight, and keep smiling about the thought of Sterre as a girl, a little sister for my DD1.
I also feel glad that God took the heartbreaking decision for us to decide to let Sterre's heart stop as I wouldn't have been able to decide this if she would have been still alive during my 20 week scan.

Oh blue! You finally know she was a girl!! It must have been terrible not knowing either way for the past few weeks!! Oliver also had a chromosome defect, it was a micro deletion on chromosome 7 which is called Williams syndrome named after the doctor who first found it. It's so strange how something so small can have such an effect on the body!! Just try and take comfort from the fact that this was nothing that you done or didnt do whilst you were carrying her!!
Whilst I was pregnant with Oliver I had to carry on taking antidepressants and when he had problems when he was born they said that it was my fault because of the medication, and I always felt guilty!!! Even though I didn't choose to take them I needed them!! When I found out that it was Williams syndrome that was making him the way he was it was a relief! It wasn't my fault afterall!! It was just a random problem that only happens in 1 out of 25,000 births!!
Ppm sounds great telling your story about little gregor!! Get the word out there and raise awareness!!! I think I would like to do that for Oliver!! Not enough people know about Williams syndrome it's so rare not even the doctors found it I did!!! If they had found it earlier Oliver would probably still be here now!!

Morning girls xx

morning girlsx hope everyone okxxxx

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

Lovely song shabs xx

Hi ladies. I probably won't have a chance to get on here tomorrow, so I was wondering if you could all think of us. Tomorrow would/will (?) be Cole's 5th birthday.

Dh and I are taking the boys to the London Aquarium. M will love it and I just know C would too if he was here . We made a point of doing something tomorrow, probably trying to occupy our thoughts more than anything else.

As per usual the run up to tomorrow has meant C has been on my mind a lot, and there have been lots of little coincidences that make me think he wants me to know he's still around in some form or another. Maybe it is just coincidence or wishful thinking, but I find it a comfort.

Having I has also highlighted another area of grief for me. Seeing how much M and I dote on each other is just beautiful to witness. But it also makes me realise how wonderful it would be for all of the siblings to grow up together, but that's never going to happen. That makes me feel so so sad, for all of my boys.

I'm going out tonight for a leaving meal, but I'm finding it hard to gather enthusiasm to go. The couple who are emigrating are a couple who we met through ante natal classes when I was pregnant with C. Their dd is only a few days older than C and tbh I find it really difficult to be around her. I feel a real bitch saying that, but it's the truth. I've never admitted that to anyone before.

I don't expect an answer to this, I just needed to get it out, so thank you for being here and listening xxx

Hiya ILike xx I hope you have as good a day as you can tomorrow. Your words around the siblings doting on each other are very true, DS1 misses his brother daily as they had such a close relationship. Love n hugs to you n yours xxx

HI all xxx

I hope your day goes well ilike xx

I will try to read your news in the paper ppm you are such a brave lady xx

I have been trying so hard to not let dates take over, but we are running upto Richard's birthday again (8th August) and yet again (2nd birthday since he died) I am consumed with 'what ifs' and 'what if I had done whatever' and I am slowly running into walls with no answers, I miss hm so much it is sometimes overwelming. I know that this is the path I must tread but it is so horrible. Sorry to go over the same stuff again and again. I will be ok in a couple of weeks, but it is so hard at the moment xx

Good to see you ILike - will be thinking about your precious little man tomorrow and sending my love to you and all the family. I understand every word of your post and agree. What I would give to see my lads just one more time xx

Also thinking of you Lavendes. I cant stand the 'run up' to birthdays and remember days. I still think the actual day is not as difficult as the days leading up to it. xxxx

x

Morning girls xx

Lighting my candle to honour your little man Ilike sending him, and you, my love and thoughts xx