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Bereavement

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Original poster

my beloved hubby died 2 weeks ago today - suicide :(

721 replies

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/04/2011 14:03

tbh i dont know what to say - i never expected to post a thread in this section of mn :(

I didnt expect to be a widow at 37 :(

he was severely depressed, and although had some very good days, he also had very bad days and for whatever reason he felt he couldnt carry on and took his own life on Saturday 16th april :(

i know its early days, but i cry every day, silly things set me off, like yesterday changing the duvet cover - it was hubbys's job to do that and i had to do it for the first time

its got to get easier hasnt it? :(

OP posts:
PistyNoMates · 03/05/2011 23:10

Blonde one - hope you sleep better tonight. ( hug )
X

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 03/05/2011 23:20

Def no one is intruding - all imput and replies welcome

I'm rather touched - if that's the right word that some of you 'know' me on here - I've been around about 4yrs under this name - but didn't reliese you recognised my name

People who fail at suicide don't really want to die - they are begging for help - even if they don't reliese this

Doctors told me this

I'm won't say on here how dh died but happy to say via pm and while I say the above

I'm in bed now wide awake. Been awake nearly 20hrs and should be yawning but I'm not

piste night - thx for texts xx

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 03/05/2011 23:38

I've seen you around blondes.
Sleeping is something I didn't get a lot of, when DH was ill he would wake every two hours through the night, he proved not safe to be left alone after taking 50+paracetamols and cutting his wrists. I found him and got him to hospital, he was very angry with me for not letting him control when he should die, he had a terminal brain tumour he knew he was going to die, he lived another four months after that.
DH died at home and it doesn't make the children or me feel odd about it.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 03/05/2011 23:46

Least you had another 4mths - I feel bad at times that some on here lost loved ones through no fault of your own and you can't change the fact they died and they had no choice :(

Could I have done anything different? :(

OP posts:
SecretNutellaFix · 03/05/2011 23:49

No Blondes. There wasn't.

He was unwell.

AitchTwoOh · 03/05/2011 23:56

there are plenty of people who fight cancer for as long as they can and then one day they just 'give in' and die, blondes. depression is a terrible, terrible illness to have, fighting it wears people out. there is no shame in being overwhelmed by such an enemy.

MrsPennySworth · 04/05/2011 00:07

You could never have done anything different that would have changed things Blondes, I really hope you do know that Sad. When someone is in that dark a place to be contemplating, and eventually going through with, suicide unfortunately I don't think there is much that anyone else near to them can say or do to snap them out of it. And Im sure that deep down, from seeing what your dh was going through before, you do know that. That's what makes it such a cruel, horrible illness for the sufferer and those suffering around them.

It will take time, but as the days/weeks/months/years go by, things will get easier, although they may not seem it now. And your fantastic friends and family will help you every step of the way (including us mumsnetters too!).

Try and get some sleep if you can x

GoodDaysBadDays · 04/05/2011 00:19

Blondes I am so sorry for your loss.

Wrt staying or moving from your house, let me share this with you:

10 years ago my grandad died from a heart attack infront of me, my nan and my ds at their home.

My nan never really got over it (that sounds flippant but its not meant in that way) and she struggled with depression for several years.

5 years ago she decided, after a lot of heartache to sell up and move nearer to my dad, her only child.

Once the sale had gone through I think she realised she couldn't leave the home she shared with my grandad and where be died. She must have felt there was no way out if the sale and that she didn't want to leave without him. She committed suicide at home.

I identified her there the next day.

The house sale still went through and we had to clear it in 3 weeks. I spent a lot of time in that 3 weeks at the place she died. There was, and probably still is, evidence of what she did.

With my dad not nearby, I dealt with everything- paperwork, house, inquest, we did the funeral together. It's bloody horrible isn't it?

I sometimes drive and sit outside het house wishing I could go in and just be there.

I don't think your mad for staying at home. I took comfort from being in her house, being near her. (i'm not suggesting you're like my nan btw, more comparing you to my situation)

Let yourself grieve. Roll with whatever you need to do. 5 years down the line and I still won't let it happen, I'm too scared how much it will hurt. But you sound like a brave woman, be kind to yourself x

bellavita · 04/05/2011 06:35

I hope you managed to get some sleep last night x

PistyNoMates · 04/05/2011 07:21

Blondes my lovely, there was nothing you could have done, your DH was terribly ill... cancer is a bastard illness, and so is depression. AitchTwoOh is right to say that people fight cancer for a long time, but eventually it overwhelms them. What happened to your DH is no different, he fought intense depression, but eventually it got so strong, it overwhelmed him. He died of a chronic illness. I know it brings you comfort to know that he is free of it now, and not suffering anymore.

With regards to houses and stuff, I would urge you not to do anything significant in the short term, by that I mean in the next year. Just be gentle with yourself x

QueenandKingMum · 04/05/2011 07:22

Oh blondes no! I am so very very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you all xx

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 04/05/2011 07:33

gooddays that must have been hard to see that, then to clear out house/all memories etc

and yes all the paperwork that goes with it,is evil Angry

'shakes self firmly'

i know that i couldnt have stopped/changed things deep in my heart but i will always wonder, could i have done more

i was there 100% for him, and his friends feel the same as me - and i keep saying to them, if I couldnt have stopped it, how could they?

depression is a bastard as no one can see i :( t- my brother calls it cancer of the brain, as its there, often not treatable and unfortunally often gets the better of people

right off to work - 1st day back, but need to try and get back to normality - whatever that is

thanks ladies

OP posts:
TrinityRhino · 04/05/2011 07:49

gllod luck with the first day back
I have been a sahm since we had dd1 but the first day I had to drop the kids off again myself was hideous

It was about this time after neil died that my friend said, you have to go and take them to school now (friends had been taking them, they only had a weeks off school)

I got angry, cried, had a panic attack but she was right, I had to get back out in the world

I was positive everyone was staring at me

LostGirl · 04/05/2011 07:55

Sad only just seen this, am so sorry Blondes. xxx

TheOriginalFAB · 04/05/2011 08:02

Blondes - I am in Kent too.

As someone who tried I can honestly say there was nothing anyone could have done to stop me trying and you must not blame yourself. Your husband had an illness that maybe he felt he had no control over. His death he did.

Take care of yourself today, don't try to do too much.

ajandjjmum · 04/05/2011 08:04

I've seen you around Blondes - so so sorry for your dh's illness and your loss.

Buda · 04/05/2011 09:34

Hope today goes ok Blondes.

AitchTwoOh · 04/05/2011 09:51

hope today goes okay, blondes.

MackerelOfFact · 04/05/2011 10:19

Thinking of you, blondes. Another one who recognises your name but never really spoken to you (your name stands out to me because I always read it as 'blonde shave more fun' Blush).

So sorry you are having to go through this and that your DH reached this point. :( There is nothing you could have done; his illness was bigger than you and eventually bigger than him. So awful.

StewieGriffinsMom · 04/05/2011 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bruffin · 04/05/2011 10:28

I am so sorry to hear about your DH, Blondes. My DH suffers from depression and I have this dread in the back of mind all the time, he did try once along time ago.

MrsSchadenfreude · 04/05/2011 10:51

So sorry, Blondes. And good luck for today.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 04/05/2011 11:10

Blondes, I am thinking of you today.

Please go easy on yourself and take support in every form it's offered, because people really want to help.

Take care.

prettybird · 04/05/2011 14:53

I listened to an interview a wee while ago with Tony Benn and Denis Healey: even though their situations were different (wives dying after long marriages), some of what they -in particular Tony Benn - might resonate with you, maybe not now, but when the grief is less raw.

Tony Benn talked about ""nothing can replace her but you can decorate the gap with happy memories" - he particularly meant how the house where he still lived was full of memories of her.

You can still listen to the interview here Interview - the bit about still being in the same house is at about 3 minutes.

BrandyAlexander · 04/05/2011 15:32

Hi Blondes. You're one of my favourite people from the nanny bit of MN and didn't realise what you were going through. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and am thinking of you. Take care.

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