Update on Rindercella's DH (No. 2)

[Portoeufino]

The other thread has reached 1000 posts, so I hope no-one minds that I started a new one......Hoping R is home with you now!

Good to read your update. Banks etc can be incredibly dense. My sister found a lot of difference - one or two were brilliant and easy and the others made you leap through hoops. Not as bad as the well known high street bank that I heard about today though. Bereaved spouse contacts the bank to take the deceased partner's name off the account, telling them that it is because they are dead. 'Oh yes' says the bank 'that'll be fine. All we need is your spouse's signature'

im glad tuesday wasnt so bad

the first everything is always hardest xxx

I don't really know what else to add, except to say .

Thank you Speedy. God, you got your timing right there. I am in much need of a hug just now.

Feeling so sad at the moment, and lost without DH. I knew it was going to be the way now. My Mum went home yesterday, DSS came for the weekend and left earlier this afternoon, so it's just been the girls and me pottering around. I actually sat in the grown up sitting room this evening & watched a movie. But God, I miss DH so, so much. Now time is passing a little I have sort of forgotten the last couple of months, of Richard being in the hospice or hospital, of how ill he was. And now I just miss him. Fuck me, it hurts not having him here.

I have grown to love this house so much. I did like it last year when we bought it, but it was all R's doing really. I know exactly what he was doing - making sure we were all ok because he knew he was going to die. Just like he ordered a bloody huge wardrobe for our bedroom so that the dressing room could be turned into a nice area for me. He did that the last time he came home from the hospital. He suddenly leapt out of bed, went down to his study and ordered a wardrobe, telling his sister it was important for me to have it. That was the last time he walked. I eventually got someone to build it. I have cleared all the clothes from the clothes rails in the dressing room, put a chair in there and I now have a lovely little area, all to myself (when the girls don't wreck it ). I'm going to get a bookcase in there soon and start reading again. I used to regularly read a book a day. Haven't read anything for ages & ages. I love this house because R loved it. He's still very much here, but not as much as I would like him to be.

Aitch, about DSS. I don't think you're the only one...I am sure he has many girls after him. He is very, very cool. He loves this house too and obviously feels closer to his father being here. The bond between him and the girls is just fantastic. I love that he wears his father's watch all the time now - I gave it to him on the morning of R's funeral.

NL, I wish I could say I was surprised about that bank, but I'm not at all. Even the bank I lauded on here following the cc crap ended up making repeated calls to me - to my mobile asking to speak to Richard. The only bloody reason they had my mobile number against his account was because I gave it to their bloody bereavement people My father's bank still regularly writes to him. Most recently - about a month ago - they welcomed him to his new bank account. Dad died in July last year.

When things have settled, I am going to go on the rampage campaign against two very specific things. One is how the financial services industry deal with bereavement. Really is not bloody good enough. The other is how previously healthy middle aged men should be treated when they repeatedly go back to their GP for worsening symptoms. They should not just be disregarded, fobbed off with ABs (if anyone from my first thread remembers, Richard had his first ever ABs at 51 years old. He was healthy as anything before this). They need to be taken seriously. A black, 51 year old man presenting the symptoms that Richard did should have had his PSA levels tested. That should have been a starting point. His PSA level should have been 3 or 4. When he was diagnosed it was 1900. By the time he was diagnosed it was far too late for him. Previously healthy middle aged men do not go to the doctors for no reason.

Anyway, those things are for another time. I really mustn't get myself upset about that now. Busy week ahead again. Starting with solicitor tomorrow am re probate.

Thank God for my daughters. They are happy and beautiful and lovely.

(((Rindercella)))

for you, rinders.

You are right Rinders, those things are for another time....but when that time comes, know that you'll have the force of MN behind you. The bank stuff is atrocious, my stepfather died 6 yrs ago, and my Mum still regularly gets stuff for him. Also the medical stuff, I know doctors aren't miracle workers or mind readers, but we hear too many stories like yours, people who are just told "it's probably a virus" "It's probably nothing. Probably is really not good enough when people's lives are at stake.

Sending you more strength from (a very windswept and horrible at the moment) Italy!

And a from me Rinders. I think about you often.

P.S. Is there anything you need or can we do anything for you?

Oh Rinders. Nothing to add except a huge hug.

Thank you all for your hugs, they are much needed.

I seem to getting more fragile, not less. For the first time since he died I had a dream about Richard last night. He was in the hospice but looking as fit and well as he ever did. He asked me not to go and visit him because he knew he was getting ill and so didn't want me upset by seeing him. I woke up, thinking 'it's ok, he's alive. I can just go to the hospice to see him', nearly laughing at my stupidity thinking he was dead. But of course I can't.

Deep breaths....

((hugs)) it sucks, i totally understand :( and yes the financial crap you have to deal with is horrendous, luckily i have a fab ifa and my dad is very clued up as was a bank manager for years and often dealt with probate

your book room sounds lovely, a little haven which will always remind you of richard love and hugs xxx

Rinders, more hugs I'm afraid

I work in Financial Services & agree with you entirely, the systems are terrible - when an account holder is deceased their details are not cleared from the system they just have a random note here & there and the call handler/letter writer has to check & double check so it is very easy to make an error and write out to a deceased customer, which is obviously terrible. I will join your campaign.

I'm sorry you're feeling so fragile xx

On another note, do you have a kindle :) I'm sure you'd love one x

Rinders, just popped on to find you. Sorry you are feeling so utterly heartbroken. There really is not much else to say.

Hugs to you (and to blondes).

Rinders - I've just been having a little wallow of my own and now I've sat and read your last few posts and it's restored my sense of perspective. You have the world on your shoulders and must feel totally overwhelmed with grief.
That present! What a wonderful, wonderful man.

Reading about you wanting to read again brought tears to my eyes. Enjoy your time in your special room.

Touching on what you said, I do get frustrated when posters tell another that their symptoms or their child's symptoms are probably nothing as no one can possibly know. I probably worry too much but then my DD has had lots of things missed by several GP's.

I think about you and your daughters often, big hugs from me x

Ok another post deleted - can't seem to write the correct things but Rinders still thinking of you often and willing things to be easier for you. R's love and thoughtfulness towards his family is so humbling

I remember your first thread about it and it's hard to believe this has all happened since then.

It was so fast, though, that you will have been on autopilot for much of it and that means there is still a great deal of processing to still be done.

That is probably why you feel so bad at the moment - you're finally 'free' to feel what you didn't let yourself feel while Richard was alive, because if you had felt it then you might not have coped.

I hope that makes sense. It will be finite, this feeling, and you will begin to get better but do allow yourself plenty of time in which you don't panic because it's not better yet. it will take a good while xx

Oh gosh, first time I've posted to you dear girl, but I've read your story in awe of your strength.

It's been 7 years since I lost my dh, and I still dream about him occasionally. Every time I wake and think "he's still here, how daft that I thought he'd gone", and then I remember. In a funny way though, it's comforting, because in my dreams he hugs me, and I can smell him, and feel his strong arms...things that I'm terrified of forgetting come back to me so strongly.

Rindercella, financial services are dreadful at dealing with bereavement, when my Mum died we had to change terms of her house insurance and we were due a rebate, they sent it to my mum's bank account which was stopped due to her passing away, so the bank rejected it, we were due another rebate when we sold the house and they again sent it to her account, my brother was dealing with this and they said "we will have to send it to her bank account" my brother (at the end of his tether by this point) said she was dead the first time they tried, still dead the second time and was still dead, so what were they trying to do - it was a nightmare to sort out as my brother said someone passing away is something they will deal with on a regular basis so you would think they would have systems in place.

Oh Rinders, another big from me also. I wish I had some wise words, but I don't. Please know that there are always people here to listen if you want to have a rant, or to take actions should you need something specific.

You mentioned reading a book a day sometimes. CRIKEY!! But it kinda makes sense actually - as you write very very beautifully - that you'd be so into books.

Sorry it' so difficult at the moment for you, Rinders. We're all still here, and will be for as long as you need us to be.

Second vote for a Kindle - I thought I'd miss the feel of the pages, but I love my Kindle to bits. (I also like having books in the house as well.)

I feel so touched by your DSS. He sounds absolutely lovely. As do you, lovely.

Big hugs from Dubai.

XXX

DSS is lovely

Blondes, just want to send you a huge hug back. Thinking about you lots. Will pm you later x

Quick message as am on phone and my typing is shocking from here. Solicitor went fine, much as I expected. She was lovely. Things are v straightforward and shouldn't take too long to get probate.

When I came out of the solicitor, I saw an email from the cc co MD. I had emailed him on Friday. He thanked me for my grace and kindness (!) and then said they were going to donate £10,000 to my charity (the hospice). And he said that the department responsible for all of those calls are going to do a fundraiser, with all proceeds going to the hospice. And because I said in time I want to influence how the financial services sector deals with bereavement (they are all appalling ime), the calls are being used to his top team as a motivation to make sure this does not happen in the future.

So...I think you can safely call that an excellent result.

Started today feeling sad and horrible. Still feeling very sad, but also very, very proud. I know Richard is punching the air as I write

Blimey, £10K? That is amazing. You are very right to feel proud by what you have made happen.

Remember this feeling, try to 'bank' it, and then return to it if you're feeling less-than-strong.