Update on Rindercella's DH (No. 2)

[Portoeufino]

The other thread has reached 1000 posts, so I hope no-one minds that I started a new one......Hoping R is home with you now!

Rinders

Devastating. Be kind to yourself.

Both dresses are beautiful, especially the second one. Do you know the Smog song "dress sexy for my funeral my dear wife"? Hesitating on whether to post the lyrics as you might think it's inappropriate (or even insulting), but hoping you find it life affirming and very human.

Dress sexy at my funeral my good wife
Dress sexy at my funeral my good wife
For the first time in your life
Wear your blouse undone to here
And your skirt split up to here

Oh dress sexy at my funeral my good wife
For the first time in your life
Oh dress sexy at my funeral my good wife
Wink at the minister
Blow kisses to my grieving brothers

Dress sexy at my funeral my good wife
And when it comes your turn to speak before the crowd
Tell them about the time we did it
On the beach with fireworks above us

On the railroad tracks with the gravel in your back
In the back room of a crowded bar
And in the graveyard where my body now rests

Oh dress sexy at my funeral my good wife
Dress sexy at my funeral my good wife
For the first time in your life

Also tell them about how I gave to charity
And tried to love my fellow man as best I could
But most of all don't forget about the time on the beach
With fireworks above us

I especially like the first dress!
You're quite right too, Rinders, about your sister. Let it go and concentrate on yourself, Richard, the girls and his son.
I took dd to PalmSunday procession thing yesterday (am in Italy) I'm not remotely religious, but thought a thought for Richard (and other MNers who have recently suffered a loss) during the mass.

Rinders, Am so sorry for the loss of your darling Richard. I don't usually venture out of the bereaved mums thread on MN but I have been thinking about you since I spotted this thread in bereavement.

I completely understand the need to look your best for Richard's funeral - I remember being pretty much obsessed with 'getting it right' for my son. Both dresses are stunning and so will you be xx

My DS1 was 4.5 when his wee brother died aged 2 - He has held my hand throughout my grief as children's grief is so straightforward in my experience.

There are sooo many here on MN who will hold your virtual hand over the coming hours, days and months. My advice would be to listen to your instincts and follow them. Some people will be amazing and some will be awful but that is about them not about you. Hold close to you the ones who do not fear your raw grief and let them help you in whatever way you need them to.

Sending you love and hugs xxxxx

Rinders, thinking of you all.

Re your sister: some variation of the saying 'Those who matter, don't mind; those who mind, don't matter' springs to mind... Whether you want to or not, you will find out who the people are that are good to have around and who the toxic ones are - be that family or 'friends'.

Hope you are getting some sleep - and remember to eat

Rinders, you are one amazing woman. I am in awe of your strength, dignity, honour and love.

Sending you lots of love and support at this horrible time xxx

My friend wanted very much to read something at her husband's funeral but wasn't sure if she could. So she asked me to sit near her with a copy of her poem so I could step in if she couldn't carry on. She managed it - but felt better to ahve me as backup. Cold you try somethng like that?

Hey Rinders

Don't know if you're still about but didn't want to leave you there at this horrible hour.

Wrt you reading at R's funeral, I'm sure you will be able to do it, if it is what you want to do. You have amazing strength, you can pull one last drop of it if you need to.

It is a beautiful poem.

I'm not very good with words am more of a tea-maker so here, have this just didn't want you to feel alone right now (though i'm sure you know better than most there's always someone around on here!)

Rinders it is beautiful poem. You have proven so many times that you are such a brave and wonderful person and that you can find strength when you think you've reached the limit.

Both dresses are gorgeous.

Hope you'll have some more sleep tonight
x

Hi Rinders, of course you can read at your husband's funeral, if that is what feels right for you. It might be a good idea, as seeker suggested, to have an understudy ready to step in if you feel it's all a bit much on the day.

Ignore anyone that's not a support to you and your family, concentrate on yourself, your lovely daughters and stepson, your MIL and SIL (they sound fabulous). Gather your loved ones close, be kind to each other, remember Richard with love and laughter, and treasure your children.

Lots of us all over the world are thinking of you and yours, and wishing we could do more than just be words on a screen.

I was going to suggest exactly what seeker said - have someone at the ready to step in and read with you if necessary. But Richard is around and with you all the time - he will support you and give you the strength to get through it, I'm sure.
I expect his sister is just as worried about singing at her brother's funeral - singing is even harder than reading. Still a good idea to have someone at the ready to help you just in case though.

And I hope he does haunt the bitch your "sister"!

Agree with the others, you will probably be able to do the reading, but have someone ready to step in in case you don't feel you can do it on the day. (Richard will just be pleased at how organised you are! )

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I think I am actually going to ask a friend of R's to do that reading. It was one thing - and a very good, wonderful thing - to read at my father's funeral, but I actually don't think I want to do it at my husband's. I want to focus on the celebration if his life, not worry about whether or not I will be able to cope with the reading. One of my SILs will read a tribute from me.

Meant to say, I have an update from the crappy cc company who were harassing us last week. An email from the UK MD offering his deepest condolences. An apology, "I deeply regret that you had to experience incessant phone calls from us at such a difficult time for you and your family. You were treated completely inappropriately and it pained me to listen to the series of recorded phone conversations our associates had with you.". And then the offer to zero the balance and make a donation to a charity of my choice.

Busy day today, clothes shopping and child free, liquid lunch with v good friends!

Well - you don't need to worry about your sister then do you - it seems Richard has that in hand (I'd still kick her in the shins if I saw her though! x).

I think you will be able to read a/that poem at Richard's funeral simply because he asked you to, but all you need to do is what seeker said - have someone who will take over if you can't - either a friend or the Vicar. If you can't get through it, Richard will understand - there's no way you'd be letting him down my love, no way.

You could still ask Richard's colleague to say a few words, I think it's nice when funerals are that bit more personal and close colleagues are great as they often see a different side or aspect of someone.

You will look stunning no matter what you wear, you radiate that certain something :) Have you decided which dress you are going to wear yet?

L&S
x

That's good stuff from the cc company, nice to hear there is humanity somewhere behind the faceless jobsworths on the phones!

Rinders, just a thought, but could you record the poem as back up and have it ready to play if you can't read it ? That way you are still reading it for R but have done it in a quiet room .

Good news about the cc company.

Rinders, I know I'm late but somehow missed all this. I'm so sorry to hear your news but am so glad to hear that your lovely Richard was at home and, finally, comfortable. You sound amazingly strong and dignified and what a wonderful family you have. Its good to know that Richard is letting you know he's there. Take good care of yourself x

I am in awe of you Rinders.

I remember when Olaf Scmidt (wrong spelling.sorry) died and there were comments about his widow wearing a short dress. I was a bit shocked but tbh I think now she was doing for her husband what you want to do and you should wear what you know he would like and look amazing.

Good Lord - that's an amazingly good response from the UK MD of the CC company - do you think Richard visited him in his sleep and warned him of dire repercussions if he didn't sort things out quicksmart in a humane and kind way?

Entirely up to you how you run the funeral - Richard will know that you have written the tribute and are saying it in your heart while someone else reads it out for you.

Great news from the cc company! I hope you enjoy your shopping and lunch. It is important to make time to look after yourself!

I would be unable to even contemplate dingo a reading like that at my DH's funeral, Rinders so I can quite understand how you feel. I think it's a much better plan to let someone else do it. You don't need the added pressure that it would place upon you - and I'm sure Richard would understand that.

I don't know the back story re your sister, but it sounds like you're well rid of her. And I look forward to hearing some haunting stories!

Great response from the CC company - but sad that it escalated the way it did before anyone thought to see fit and treat you with any kind of empathy, sympathy and/or compassion.

We keep cross posting!

I think if it's going to help you get through the day, not to have the pressure of doing the reading then that's a good decision. You could always keep your options open though if you want to and ask his friend to do it if you can't - tell them you'll let him know on the day?

I hope you have a nice day today with your friends - I admire your strength in being able to get yourself together to go out with them. I hope you find a dress you love.

Re the CC - I wonder how many of our emails Rich & Brian got?? A fair few no doubt! I'm very glad he was pained listening to those calls and I hope the whole place gets a bloody good shake up, not just those directly involved. It was a nice email from him and a nice touch to do the donation to charity as well as write off Richard's balance.

Will be thinking of you at lunchtime - might even join you in a little liquid in Richard's name :)

Good luck with the dress hunt today and enjoy a bottle or two of wine in the sun with your friends! x