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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Precious memories of all our beloved children, gone too soon but they will live on forever in our hearts

952 replies

lavandes · 01/02/2011 13:43

For our beloved Richard, missed so much xx

OP posts:
frasersmummy · 15/02/2011 16:22

ooh shabs.. I cant imagine having to deal with stuff like this ..I just dont know what to say .....

you must have felt sick when when lewis ran towards the road

shabbapinkfrog · 15/02/2011 18:24

Wouldn't mind but we live in a terraced row of houses - bit like Corrie but without the cobbles!!! There were no cars coming but he just set off!!! We have a little fenced front garden but he was at the gate before I even caught up with him. I wanted to smack him hard but it was my frustration and fear - not his. A loud shout from Gran was more than enough. When I let him out of the door tonight I said 'What do we NOT do?' His reply 'Don't go off the buddy kerb Grin' Think I may have said bloody to him last night.

He is a real daredevil....have never had one like him!!!

He came into the kitchen tonight, pants around his ankles - 'Andma, d'ya want see me underpants - dey are wovwey!!'

shabbapinkfrog · 16/02/2011 06:47

Morning girls xx

travellingwilbury · 16/02/2011 07:50

Morning allx

Shabs Lewis sounds adorable , but I bet you are knackered when he goes home x

shelleylou · 16/02/2011 09:11

Morning all.
Your stories about Lew always make me smile shabs

Congratulations LF

Hope everyone is ok

feedmenow · 16/02/2011 20:42

Feeling low and where else would I come but here?

If I spill my woes will I seem selfish? Asking you all to listen to me when I am rarely here to listen to any of you?

shabbapinkfrog · 16/02/2011 20:46

So glad you are here FMN - we wouldn't be without you and your precious girl.

Spill, rant, rave, scream - whatever!!

peterpansmum · 16/02/2011 21:05

Spill away FMN, no one is keeping score, only walking a very difficult road the best way we all can with the help of our lovely friends here ..... come talk to us xxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 17/02/2011 06:46

Morning girls xx

feedmenow · 17/02/2011 12:17

Thank you.

I'm just going to have a it of a rant then, just to get it all off my chest. I know there is no "fixing" and that this is just another load of crap to get through.

It's nearly 3 years since Eris died and I hate this time of year. The build up is horrible. It annoys me because it's only time, and it's only another day without her. I hate that my life becomes so much harder in the month or so before her birthday. I also hate that no matter what I do to remember her it is meaningless. We've celebrated her birthday the last 2 years and we've got cards and had cake. I have her pictures up. I had a tattoo done. But none of it "does" anything does it? I feel tired of thinking of something special to celebrate her to the extent where I sometimes wish that I didn't remember her. And that feeling itself is a horrible one to have. Part of me wishes she never existed at all. Isn't that just an awful thing to say?

And to top it all off I have to get through this time on my own. I can't share my feelings with ex DP as things just aren't good between us at all. Most of the time it is a struggle to remain civil to each other. Yes, I have friends I could talk to but what I need is someone I can just turn to at any moment and cuddle and cry. I never know when I might need it and most people around me have busy lives.

So there are my woes in a nutshell. My jaw is aching trying to stop myself crying at work so probably best I stop before it's too late!

shabbapinkfrog · 17/02/2011 13:08

OMG FMN - so much to contend with. No - I have never found anything that makes 'IT' better - but there again I didn't think I would. Sometimes the sheer effort of wading through our grief is exhausting. Just looking at my GS watching Telly now and he kind of papers over my boys deaths. Then he looks so like them that the flimsy paper rips and I am back to square 1.

Keep coming back to Eris' creation - our special, special place to be - we will all listen and sit at our own PC's/laptops nodding and no doubt having a small cry - but we will also be able to share any laughter that is going around Smile

Without your bravery, and Eris. this thread would not be here and we would all be sat here wondering if anyone else felt the same and was struggling to cope with the crappy path that we have all been forced to walk.

Know that I cant be with you but I will walk by your side and be there to lean on. Oh yes and that aching jaw you describe - funnily enough I have one of them most days!! Head up my friend - here have one of my pin on smiles xxxx Smile

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 17/02/2011 13:23

Hi FMN, lovely to see you.

Your following paragraph really rang a bell with me:

' I feel tired of thinking of something special to celebrate her to the extent where I sometimes wish that I didn't remember her. And that feeling itself is a horrible one to have. Part of me wishes she never existed at all. Isn't that just an awful thing to say? '

I know I have felt like this at times, so I'm sure others here have too.

Grief is exhausting, gut wrenchingly awful, and almost always seems to constantly bubble below the surface when special dates are on the horizon.

To try and still our minds and the constant slog of grief, we create these fantasy scenarios of ways to escape from feeling like this, and I think what you said in your paragraph is your way of doing this.

I may be way off the mark here, but that's what it seems like to me. Don't be hard on yourself because actually you DO know that that is the devil on one shoulder saying this, and then the angel on the other (probably Eris) knows that that will never be the case - you will always remember Eris and you will never truly want it any other way.

Much love and strength xxx

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 17/02/2011 13:24

How are you doing Shabs? I found your message about looking through Matty's school bag very touching {{{hugs}}}

frasersmummy · 17/02/2011 13:51

oh hey fmn... its always lovely to see you... I think of you often...

' I feel tired of thinking of something special to celebrate her to the extent where I sometimes wish that I didn't remember her. And that feeling itself is a horrible one to have. Part of me wishes she never existed at all. Isn't that just an awful thing to say? '

Yeah unfortunately I have felt exactly the same way. The last time I felt it badly was christmas. I had a real battle with myslef over putting up fraser's tree this year

please remember you dont need to have cake, cards or balloons to show Eris you care. She knows how much you love her and think of her every day not just on her birthday

Eris wouldnt want to see you tormented over this .. listen to your heart fmn do what it tells you to do .. you wont go wrong

Take care of yourself... remember to find time for you.

we are all here for you

Original poster
lavandes · 17/02/2011 13:54

fmn completely understand how you are feeling. No matter what I am doing my son is on my mind 24/7. I very often ask him to leave my head for one day. It does make me feel guilty but that is what I think. It doesn't mean I love him less.

Don't beat yourself up over it, it must be part of this crappy path.

As for the dates, he died in April last year and I am already dreading the first anniversary. But they are only dates.

Hope you find some peace soon. xx

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 17/02/2011 14:05

Remember in one of my posts - think it was on Tuesday - when I said Lew had never asked about his Uncles? Either he can read or it was a massive coincidence. Sitting on the loo yesterday (TMI) he gabbed away to me while I am saying 'Hurry up and do a poo Grin

Lew: Andma are Gaz and Matty at school?

Me: errrrr No darling.

Lew: Where am dey?

Me: They are big grown up boys like your Daddy and they dont live at home anymore.

Lew: Where dey live - me want to go and see them.

Me: They live in Heaven Lew.

Lew: OK den, tell me when we can go see them. Me will take them chocolates.

Me: I will do honey

End of conversation. I suppose it will have to be one explanation at a time!

Original poster
lavandes · 17/02/2011 14:19

shabs How difficult that must have been for you. With such a young child I suppose you just answer the questions as simply as you can but don't ask him any questions is that right? xx

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 17/02/2011 14:28

I reckon it is for now Lavendes!! Checked with his Mummy and she said she thought I had done the right thing

peterpansmum · 17/02/2011 14:33

Thinking we're all in need of a group HUG xx

FMN - I do now what you mean about impending dates etc, March is just around the corner and which brings with it Gregor's birthday, mothers day, Date of his death, date of his funeral, and a few other family birthays where i'm supposed to find something to celebrate Sad... Sometimes it just feels SO overwhelming...

Shabs - Lew is amazing and will be have inbuilt understanding to 'get it' - Remember all the things you've said to me when DS1 has been coming out with his questions over the last couple of years? If i didn't know what to say when he asked me questions I would ask him 'what do you think?' He'll only ask you more questions when he's ready for more answers, as you say one explanation at a time xx

frasersmummy · 17/02/2011 16:01

shabs I think its harder with Lewis because ech time you answer him you have to have a conversation with his mum/dad

ppm I think you are right we do need a group hug

ever wonder what it would be like if we all got round a table with a couple of bottles cases of wine??

I reckon there would be many a shared story tears hugs and smiles, and I reckon we would all come home feeling better even if it was just for a few hours!!

feedmenow · 17/02/2011 17:27

Thank you all. It just all really sucks sand never ends.

FM - wouldn't it be amazing if we COULD do that? If someone super organised could actually book everyone like 6 months in advance and host a mass get together? With everyone travelling from all over just to meet up in person for one time only? Any volunteers???

Minione · 17/02/2011 18:22

Hi everyone, sorry I've not been around much, moving house and loads of crap at school have taken up time.

FMN - We are all here for you and I get what you're saying. I've felt terrible as we have left the village where Malachy is buried, I pass there everyday as its the same village I work in, but I feel like I've deserted him. So silly, I know. I think the idea of meeting up sounds fabulous! I'd definitely be up for it! Keep strong, and rant, cry whatever you need to.

Shabs - Lew sounds so sweet, it must have been hard when he was asking you those questions but you did well!

Well then LAdies, where we going to meet?

travellingwilbury · 17/02/2011 19:07

Shabs it is so hard when they ask you isn't it ? I remember going through all this with my two and I was always so split , I obviously wanted them to know all about their amazing brother but I also felt like I was ruining their innocence .

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing .

Come on then when and where ?

Minione · 17/02/2011 20:07

Seriously ladies,I would be up for organising a meet up! I guess we would have to look atthe most central point for everyone? By the way, that doesn't mean the midlands (i'm less than ten miles from the centre of England!) but central to all of us (there are quite a few Scottish ladies).

How about early summer?