Precious memories of all our beloved children, gone too soon but they will live on forever in our hearts

[lavandes]

For our beloved Richard, missed so much xx

It is so awful isn't it ? I hate to think of another mum going though this shite .

Oh the first dont be silly, no need to apologise. You have every right to be angry, it is so heart breaking to hear of more children been taken away so cruely.

I am so sad to have read about Edgar's little boy - life is too cruel.

I only wander in here occasionally and am sorry for that.

My little boy should be having his 4th birthday on monday - instead I will be taking things to a grave. My boy was born asleep and my heart still breaks at this time of year. I am blessed with daughters but anyone just meeting me would only see that - I HAVE A SON too.

Sorry so sad tonight :(

Of course you have a son Florence. A beautiful, loved and much missed son. x

Morning ladies x

I've not been here for a while, just couldn't really face it all for a bit but have been thinking of you all often.

Reading back I'm so sorry to see all the new mummies on this thread, how horrific that all these children are missing from their families. Welcome to a lovely safe place, I hope you find as much comfort and support here as I have.

Can I also give a big to Caz, Mini and shelley? Congratulations ladies, lovely news and praying that your babies arrive safe and well.

I'm having rather a wobble as I'm coming up to the point in this pregnancy where we lost Bobbie and I'm terrified of going through that again. We've got a big family bash next weekend for a relative's 80th and I shall be going in a big jumper as I still haven't the confidence to say I'm expecting again. I dread the congratulations, the faith in everything being ok, the possible stupid inferences that this makes everything ok...

Caz I completely and utterly understand your post where you said about the conflict of feelings - your second wouldn't be here if Belle still was. I've struggled with exactly that a lot too. It doesn't make any sense and I still don't know how to resolve it. I felt that continuing to grieve for Bobbie meant in some way that I didn't want this baby, and that being hopeful or happy about this one meant I was "over" her. But neither of those things are at all true. They are both my children. It breaks my heart every day to be without my first, I will never be over her. But I also love my second and am willing it to make it safely. We like to think Bobbie is looking out for her little brother/sister and often ask her to do the praying for us when we can't manage it. Waffling really but just wanted to say, yes I think I get it.

Love to all xx

(And PPM I saw your blog and have been staring at the photos of your beautiful little Gregor for so long. Gorgeous eyes, such a cheeky grin. Thank you for sharing him. DH cried when I told him about all these little boys in their tigger outfits, just incomprehensible)

Thank you split and it is nice to see you back. I wish you strength for the coming months and truly hope all goes well xx it is lovely to receive comments about gregor and my blog thank you xx

Morning girls xx

Everybody OK - its very quiet!! xxx

a bit like the marie celeste! Everyone obviously out doing some retail therapy:)

I've been grumpy today. Thinking its related to grief triggers - the first signs of spring. The day gregor died was the first springlike day of 2009. Sometimes it just hits you right between the eyes heh. Love to you all xx

grumpy about sums me up today too ppm its not been great. the periods of time between these really dark days are lengthening but they are just as ferocious each time they arrive. I spent much of the afternoon asleep because I felt irritable, tearful and just consumed by resentment and dark thoughts.

I'm already getting myself in a state about next weekend (brothers wedding) and all the flaming babies that will be there. including a newborn girl who will be 2 weeks old. why did it HAVE to be a girl. sometimes I'm sure the world does it to deliberatley hurt me. So on the day when I'm supposed to hold it together and be all cheerful I have to deal with a newborn girl being paraded around and cooed over. I still cannot cope with it.

split thinking of you. I'm already dreading the approach to the same point of this pregnancy. I don't think I'll dare even remotely believe this baby is coming home until we're past 32+4. Not sure I'll even believe it then.

Mum has said the wrong things to me today. I'm in this awful place and she says I should be happy now another one is on the way. I don't think she meant it the way it came across but all the same. this baby does not change anything about the one I couldn't keep.

my mood was not helped by mother's day in my face all over Cardiff. urgh.

caz I think I understand how you are feeling but I am not sure. That might sound weird. I am just consumed by dates which are coming up. I know from what the mums here have told me that the build-up is worse than the actual day but I am very wobbly.

April 17th - last day Richard was alive
April 18th - day Richard died
April 28th - Richard's funeral
Easter Monday - the last time we saw Richard. No mattter what date Easter Monday is on Easter Monday will always be significant.

I think your Mum is probably only trying to be 'there' for you. She probably knows that the new baby will not remove your grief. She probably thinks that a new baby is hope for a happy outcome for you, which of course it will be, but she will understand that Belle will always be with you, and so she should be.

As for the wedding, take it as it comes. If you cannot cope then leave. Work out your exit plan in advance.You must look after yourself and your new baby. Do not put yourself in any situation you cannot cope with. Your family will understand. Look after yourself xx

ppm You are so brave. I have been reading your blog. It is inspirational. And again your Gregor is so beautiful. I wish I could cuddle him. I look out of my lounge window and see the daffodils coming out and I think of Gregor although I never knew him. Take care xx

Thank you so much Lavandes - it is just beautiful to think my lad can bring a smile to the faces of those who never even knew him - some folks cannot leave a legacy like that in 92 years let alone just 2! I wish i could cuddle him too but heh it is how it is. Mother's day was the day before Gregor's funeral and so i can totally empathise with what you are saying about easter monday. I cannot express how relieved i was to find out this year that mother's day resides in april - i know that is really selfish of me for those of you with special dates in april but last year with his birthday, date of his death, mother's day and funeral date all within three weeks of each other i just did't know which way was up!! Anyway I say bollocks to mother's day - what matters most is how we treat our mothers every day of the sodding year not one so-called special day!

Caz I agree with what Lavandes said - wise words to have an escape plan and if you don't need it then great but if you do then it's there.

Morning girls xx

Hi, I was just wondering if I could ask all of you something.

About seven years ago (hard to believe it's been so long) I was sort of seeing a man who died in a car accident. (He was 23 at the time.) I never really met his parents, but I did speak to his mother briefly at the funeral. (She was lovely, I was crying so hard and she came up and gave me a hug and spoke to me a bit.) Anyway, my life really changed when he died; I became a much more "live in the moment" sort of person, and much kinder and more forgiving. Also, my son was born four years to the day after he died, and so on DS' birthday I often think of the man's parents and how they must be feeling.

Over the years I've toyed with the idea of sending his mom a card or a little note or something, just to say that I'll always remember Brandon and what a wonderful person he was. Would that be odd, or intrusive?

I'm so sorry, I just didn't know who else to ask.

I, personally, think that would be a wonderful idea. Not odd or intrusive in any way. xx

Agreeing with Shab - I think she would love to hear how her son has continued to touch your life over these last 7 years.

Not sure I'm feeling much brighter this morning. Have woken up early feeling sicky so had to get up and eat some digestives!

Not sure the family would understand to be honest if I made a sharp exit from my brother's wedding. Yesterday I had a lot of - "it is your brothers day and you have to put on a brave face and not spoil the atmosphere. You need to stop being so resentful of everyone elses happiness and everyone else with babies." Don't think my mother actually gets it anymore. I'm getting the impression they have run out of patience with my low moods. Obviously 9 months ago is a long time to them [rolling eyes] I was actually really nasty and said "right then, we'll see how well you're coping after 9 months if one of us dies" I shouldn't have said it but I felt no support yesterday.

Supposed to be going up there for dinner today.

Cheerful, as a mum who lost their 24 year old daughter 7 months ago(is it really that long now?) I would say that you should send your card. Part of the grief of losing an adult child is to lose contact with their friends. One of my greatest comforts this year has been Sians best friend who tells me on facebook what she's doing and all the daft things she's up to. I still have contact with her wonderful boyfriend and hope to always be able to be part of his life. In fact the youngsters have been much better at assessing my state of mind than people my own age. Send your card, it will be very appreciated.The dates question is universal, every milestone is a nightmare to get through. Sian had her op april 13 if we could only turn back the clock and not have gone through with it she would still be here. Although she fought on till August in hospital I'll always see the 13th as her turning point. Mothers day??? My mum died recently Sian has gone and my other daughter is away in Germany:( Not much of a special day here!

oh and I'm expected to look happy with the family meal with dh mother!

Morning ladies xx

Caz that's another reason we've kept this pregnancy fairly quiet so far - the well meaning but totally misguided comments/attitudes that a new pregnancy makes everything better now and we can be happy and look forward to our baby's arrival. I have also been supremely pissed off by all the merry "ah, it'll be fine this time" comments we've had, and the successful dating scan = baby in 6 months beliefs. The truth is nobody knows how this will turn out but they can't admit that. My fears are apparently a bit and unreasonable and paranoid. to that!

I am sorry that your mum got it all wrong yesterday. Pregnancy after a loss is such a difficult and screwed up place emotionally and the anxiety is exhausting. The conflicting feelings can be so intense and hard to articulate or even understand yourself.

And other people's newborns! Aarrgh!! I was in bits 10 days ago at the news of a friend's birth, just 2 weeks on from my due date. I scared myself with the strength of seething jealously, bitterness, anger and the physical pain again, and cried for hours. DH will write the card of congratulation, I just can't. No way can I go over and visit. I feel sick at the thought. It's horrible, because we are not horrible people! Of course I'm glad their baby arrived safe and well, I wouldn't wish anything else, but it hurts so much that mine didn't.

kazmus I'm so sorry you've also lost your mum recently. My mum may drive me mad, but I can't imagine her not being there.

Mother's Day. Bah humbug. I am skiving church that week. I definitely couldn't endure the moment when all the kids are invited to collect bunches of daffodils to give to their mums. I'm a mum, but have no child to do that for me. (Admittedly at 5 weeks old she wouldn't have managed it this time anyway, but you understand I'm sure!)

Good to see you Everlong - hows 'stuff' with you? xxx