Precious memories of all our beloved children, gone too soon but they will live on forever in our hearts

[lavandes]

For our beloved Richard, missed so much xx

You know what? I'm not sure how I am - would just like to go back to bed and sleep for a week!!

FMN How you doing today ? All that living through the day again is so tiring , I know you know really but you did everything you could have done with the knowledge you had at the time . Just the same as all of us .
Still doesn't make it any less shite though .

Thinking of you and your gorgeous girl x

Just thinking to myself - always dangerous!!

The loss of a child is a lonely experience - even with friends and family around you. It always makes me feel like one of those films where you are the only person left on Earth. I can still be in a room with hundreds of people and feel alone.

Also just watching that pompous git - Dr Hilary Jones on Daybreak. No smoking day my arse!! Sorry but I will not be told to give up smoking. Yes, I know it is a disgusting habit but I hate being told to do anything. Wish someone would just punch him full in face. I'm sat here saying out loud 'Oh yes lets all stop smoking, see how this government falls without all the tax revenue.....Oh yes lets all stop smoking Dr Hilary you arse!!'

Two 'arses' in one paragraph.

Dr Hilary always makes me want to slap him whatever he is talking about .

And yes it is a lonely road isn't it ? The inside of my head is a very odd place sometimes .

Just behind my eyelids are frightening enough - not going to deep into my brain!!!

Morning all. Everything is ever so slightly better in daylight but I know that come this evening when the children are all in bed I will get really miserable again. You lot are the closest I'll get to this, but I wish someone else could climb inside me and feel whats in my heart and stomach and hear whats in my head just for a moment so that they would understand how it feels. Then maybe I wouldn't feel so alone with my grief.
I was so miserable last night that I texted exDP about it thinking he was my best bet at someone who would understand. He was very nice and tried to offer comfort but he sees that somehow Eris has lived on through DD3 and gets comfort that way.

Morning! Y'know I can be surrounded by the loveliest friends in the nicest places and yet i think i will always feel that sense of loneliness. I don't feel alone amongst you guys tho' xx

FMN - your situation must be so hard. Men think about this in a totally different way don't they? I wanted to put something on here last night but was afraid that it didn't sound right. Have thought about it and Im going to go ahead and say it - I hope so much that it doesn't upset or offend you.

I remember 'meeting' you on MN when Eris was born. I remember reading your thread and talking to you. Then I remember bullying pestering you to start off this thread. I think the major, most massive 'advantage' (not the right word) to the death of our precious children is that we have all found each other here. No matter what we are feeling we can come on here and get support. What a wonderful legacy Eris left us all.

HOWEVER - I so wish, with all my heart, that we didn't have to meet here.

Keep coming here FMN - you might not feel strong but you are one of the strongest ladies I have ever met. I do know that feeling though - when the children are in bed and the house feels too quiet. xxxxxxxx

don't know whether to post this here or AIBU thread! lol! Thought I was doing so well getting back into school and playing for assemblies again, but when I went in this morning head told me that he had accepted a request for the choir to sing during the mothers day service in church and could I play on the day! He was totally oblivious to the fact that I'm dreading this day...first without Sian dd2 working in Germany and my own mum having died just over a year ago. If I say no the kids will miss out singing to their mums but I just dont know how I'll cope. Would it have been too much for him to have forseen that it was going to be difficult. Now my confidence is rock bottom again as I struggle to find what to do for the best.

Hi Kazmuz Sorry you are so upset. Of course he should have realised how difficult this would be for you. Do you think he is just being an incredibly thick man. Do you think he needs a reminder of what you are going through. Have you talked to your colleagues about it. Maybe one of them could talk to him. Surely there must be someone else in the church who could play. After all if you had broken your arm you would not have been able to do it. You must look after yourself. I may sound hard but you don't want to put yourself in any situation which will upset you any more than you are. xx

my dh has just come home and is livid with him! He has said I'm not to do it and that the head is very thoughtless (or words to that effect!) Just have to break it to the kids now. Maybe I could contact the church organist and ask them to cover...good idea lavandes, thanks.

This census lark is getting me pissed off and there is bugger all I can do about it so I thought I would come and offload (sorry)

Last time this was done we proudly put Harrys name on the form , now he is not on it . Shit isn't it ?

kazmus you are doing the right thing asking someone else to do it . I have no doubt that you would be able to do it and do it well but it would hurt more than is necessary and you shouldn't have to put yourself through it . Your headmaster should have "got" that but
he hasn't thought about it as he should and you need to be kind to yourself especially on that day of all days x

Kazmus: I'm a music teacher too & know just what you mean :( I have actually found it quite cathartic to play in situations that I thought I would struggle with (I might have played a little loudly though :o). I've found the 'musician' in me takes over, which has made it easier to cope. I hope that makes some sense...

TW: I hate answering personal questions, so goodness only knows how I'll cope with the census! How many children do I have? 4! Sod what the rest of the world thinks!

Evening all, feeling a bit shaky tonight, sorry I need to keep up with others too but finding it hard talking about normal stuff at times. Sometimes I find it's good but others I just can't do it, I don't want to seem like I'm ignoring anyone else though so I'll try and post some more. Dh's family not making things easy right now either, sigh, I could rant all night about it but I've done that already before so...sorry, rambling, I'm good at that at least.

Morning girls xx

Cheese - all rantings and ramblings are allowed here xx

A BEREAVED PARENTS WISH LIST

I wish my chid hadn't died.

I wish I had him back.

If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you would know it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief.

I wish you wouldn't 'kill' my child again by removing his pictures, artwork or other remembrances from your home.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.

I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child, my favourite topic of the day.

I know that you think of me and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know those things through a phone call, a card, a note or a real big hug.

I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over in six months. These first months are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.

I am working very hard on my recovery, but I wish you would understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child, and I will always grieve that he is dead.

I wish you wouldn't expect me 'not to think about it' or to 'be happy.' Neither will happen for a very long time.

I dont want to have a 'pity party' but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I heal.

I wish you understood how my life has been shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be patient with me as I am with you.

When I say 'I'm doing OK' I wish you could understand that I don't 'feel' OK and that I struggle daily.

I wish you knew that all the grief reactions that I'm having are normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness, and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected.

Your advice to 'take one day at a time' is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and fast for me right now. I am doing good to handle one hour at a time.

Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away I wish you would let me find a quiet place to be alone.

I wish very much that you could understand my loss and grief, my silence and my tears, my void and my pain. BUT, I pray daily that you will never understand.

Lovingly pinched from a Compassionate Friends Newsletter.

Just searching through some old photo albums. In the middle was a musty smelling, old scrapbook. In it were the cards I received after Gareth died. The cards......and lots of beautiful letters. Many from penfriends in the USA who had never even met him. My eyes flew over the words and my heart pounded in my chest. I had to close the book and put it in my wardrobe. Later on I will put them all in his 'remember box.' I WILL read them - just not yet.

I had totally forgotten that I even had them. I suppose almost 29 years is a very long time......I dont think about you enough my brave little fighter. You were like a little butterfly who flew through our lives too quickly xxxxxxxxx

How true is that wish list. It's actually quite nice to read it like that. I FEEL all those things but don't often put thoses feelings into words.

Although it hurt me to read the bits about always missing your child, and grieving for them every day til you die. I think I keep hoping that the pain isn't really a life sentence and that one day I'll be better - and not just for one day but forever. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept that it will always hurt because I still feel like every day is such a struggle and the thought of this going on and on is awful.

With Eris's birthday tomorrow I've had people telling me how strong I am, etc, etc. They don't see inside do they?

Shabs, it is lovely that you still have them. If I was in that position I would probably allocate some time when nobody else was around so that I could sit on my own with either a cup of tea or a glass of wine and read through them and just bawl my eyes out, knowing I could be as snotty and puffy as I wanted without anyone asking me what was wrong. A bit of grief indulgence perhaps.

Cheese - I don't know your situation but am happy to listen to any rants you may have!

FMN I think that wish was the only one I didn't totally agree with. "IT" does improve, it softens around the edges. Its not always going around and around in your head. BUT there are always times when I think 'right, stop the world, I want to get off!!'

Will be thinking of Eris tomorrow and will be lighting my candle so Lew can sing his birthday song to her. He loves it when I light my candle. I always tell him the name of the child I am writing it for and he does a full rendition of the Birthday song for them

Morning ladies xx

Thinking of you and your beloved Eris today FMN xx

Morning girls xx

FMN - you and Eris are in my thoughts today. Take care sweetheart xx

Just popping my head in round the door to say hello on Emma's (DD1) birthday today. Everyone in RL would look at me slightly if I said anything about it today, but I know you lot understand.

Thinking of you too, FMN. Don't "know" you, but we share a date.

Happy Birthday Emma. Positive - will be lighting my candle later on to show my love for Eris and Emma. xx

thinkin of eris and emma and their lovely special mummys this morning xx