anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

[KnowNothing]

What a thread, full of pain and full of love...

My mum died 30 years ago, when I was 3, and I have no memories of her at all. I feel so cheated to have nothing to hold onto. I just blocked it all for 30 years.

Her dad, my lovely grandad, died this October, and her mum, my lovely nanna, has such extensive dementia she doesn't know or remember anyone or anything. They were the people who loved and remembered my mum and now they are gone.

So I just all of a sudden feel like I have become an orphan. The pain is incredibly physical and very hard to bear.

DH is waiting for me to 'get better' which is very hopeful and sweet of him but at the same time I don't think you do 'get better'. I have just let myself unleash a load of pain and now I can't escape it. I don't know what to do.

[PeppermintCream]

hi knownothing. You're right this thread is full of pain and love. It has really helped me, just knowing it's here.

I'm so sorry about your loss. I know what you mean about DH, mine is similar and I've only lost my darling dad. I'm still in the middle of my grief so certainly not best placed to advise . It's helped me to have some peace, make DH have the kids, and just have some quiet time for a few hours a day. Listen to your body, listen to yourself and try to get what you need.

Sorry, if that sounds like a have a quick fix, it's reallynot what I mean xx

[babycuckoo]

knownothing - I feel like an orphan to, lost parents many years ago and they were both young, Im now 40 and still hurt about it..You dont get better you just learn to deal with it better, this thread is lovely, yes painful but a place for us to talk and just put down how we feel, so important. It really does help as well knowing that we are not alone, many people are going through the same pain as us, makes me feel less lonely about it. love to you all xxx do believe that they are watching over us somewhere, and we`ll meet again xx

[hogfather]

hi thank you for this thread. My mum died 3 years ago too quickly from ovarian cancer.

I miss her everyday but this time of year is always hard - i find christmas card shopping very difficult still - all those cards that I would have bought in years gone by saying `to mum and dad' does me every year.

[mylovelymonster]

My mum died early June 2008, five terrifying weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I just couldn't stay for the final few hours. It was the worst thing I have ever had to experience and I cry every time I think about it. She'd had a tough life and things were starting to go well for her and there was a bright happy future ahead with grandchildren coming along. She had just turned 63. I miss her every day.

My father died October 2009, just 10 days before our second child was born, from a brain tumor. 65. I can't say anything else.

So, last Christmas, new baby & three-year-old, MIL comes to stay and it is a happy time together. Few days later, she's in hospital with meningitis but responding to anti-biotics. We go up-country for my father's memorial and get snowed in, planning to get down to the hospital again as soon as. Monday morning phone call, she's suspected of having a massive stroke and doesn't recover. Her two boys are with her when they turn off the machines.

Just writing this down, it's unbelievable.

My babies no longer have any Grandparents and that makes my four-year old so sad when the other children are having such a nice time and being doted on by theirs.

I can only try to deal with it by knowing that it happens every day - people lose such special people every single day. That it is never the right time to lose someone you love.

[nightmarebeforechristmas]

been thinking of my dad a lot today(2shoes here)
I finally bit the bullet and did something nice, I took the random 3 wedding rings and sold them (think they were sm's) and got some earrings with the money(the rest will go on xmas) it really cheered me up as it was like getting a present from him.


can I kindly suggest something.
to try and cheer us up at what is a really hard time, can we post a really nice xmas memory ?
well here are mine

when db and I were about 8 and 10 we didn't know what we were getting for Christmas, we came down on Christmas day and my dad had tied up the door handle, you can imagine the excitement,
we found out why as our presents were to big to wrap, as they were bikes, not new as we wern't well off, but we loved those bikes, mum and dad must have saved hard for that,.


when i was expecting ds(he was born in feb) that Christmas mmy SM made up a lovely box, must have taken her ages it was full of stuff for the baby, all useful like nappies and stuff
.
happy days

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

I have a couple of Christmas memories 2shoes...

When I was 7 or 8, my brother and I got new to us bikes too. I'd never had a two wheeled bike before and so couldn't even think of how to ride it. Dad took me down to the square (we lived in a flat) and held onto the rack at the back to keep me upright and ran along behind me pushing me, all the time Dad saying 'keep peddling,' me telling him not to let go and him telling me he already had :) he taught me to ride a bike in 30ft!
The other one was when I was about 12.
Mum had bought Dad an electric shaver and it was the big Christmas secret; we talked about it for weeks. so it was a bit odd that I bought Dad some Brut 33 shaving cream. Dad was very gracious though and said 'that's Ok, I can use it like after shave' he squirted some in his hand and rubbed it into his face; he didn't want me to feel bad bless him, he was a good man.

[aristocat]

hello all

today will be the 11th anniversary of losing my lovely Dad. unfortunately my Mom also passed away within 6 months of losing him.

i still miss them every day and wish they would have been able to meet my beautiful children.

[nightmarebeforechristmas]

aristocat

[nightmarebeforechristmas]

ca I just hijack my own thread for one post please.
I can't post else where as this isn't about me iynwim.

Darling Tommy and George and your parents and families, thinking about you all and sending you all our love at what is such a sad time for you all. xx

(dd's little friends)

[aristocat]

thanks nightmare xmas is always a difficult time for all of us

i love the earrings present of yours - that was a briliant idea

i miss my parents all of the time and didnt want my life to change, losing them made me a different person to how i was before.
you just have to accept that life will never be the same as it was

best wishes to all

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

Aristocat, hope you are Ok.

Nightmare, yes he was :)

[twoteachers]

My Dad was sent to prison for things he did to me and my Mum (who was also involved) and I have agreed to have no contact, at least for a while.

My DH has a lovely supportive family who have been so kind to me but I feel so sad that I feel like I have lost both my parents for ever.

Not nice in your 20's

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

:( twoteachers.

[mumoverseas]

hello all, not been back on this thread since the start as was finding it hard to 'talk' about mum and dad.
Had a bit of a breakdown on Friday. We had a christmas carol service and I suddenly broke down during silent night. It was mum's favourite carol and I could just hear her singing it and it brought it all back to me. Second christmas without her and sixth without dad and its shite.
Was so bad went to Drs saturday morning and had another breakdown there. Its obvious that I've been bottling it all up and haven't grieved properly. Am on ADs at the moment as under a lot of stress due to other matters. Its so hard trying to 'do' christmas for the kids whilst feeling so dead inside.

Hugs to everyone x

[MABS]

so sorry to read that mos,love to you all.

Think i will be joining you all here soon, dad went into heart failure monday nt :(

[mumoverseas]

oh MABS so very sorry to read that. Will be thinking of you and your family and be keeping my fingers crossed for your dad x

[LilRedWG]

Oh MOS, it is an awful time of year and I'm so sorry that you are having such a tough time. Please try to take some time for yourself. x

[LilRedWG]

MABS xxxxxxx

[MABS]

thank you for the kind thoughts x

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

MABS and mos :(

I feel like I just have to keep being strong for everyone. I don't like Christmas much anymore, but it is worse since Dad went. I am guessing that we just have to trawl through it and put on a brave face for everyone else. Don't feel like it though...

Lets all virtually hold hands on Christmas morning at 9am UK time for 2 minutes.

Blessings to you all.x

[aristocat]

fivecoldrings i am ok thanks - some days are more difficult than others. thinking of you both MABS and MOS

it will be my parents wedding anniversary tomorrow, they could have been married 60 years.

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

Those times are not pleasant are they aristocat? My Mum was planning a huge party for when they reached their 50th...they only got to 46 though. I know she's going to go loopy when 2013 comes along :(

[aristocat]

my dad passed away 5 days before their 49th wedding anniversary and it was the millenium too - i was so sad & unhappy while everyone seemed to be having a good time.
i do have a lovely DH and super in-laws

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

Aw no, that's so sad aristocat..even closer than my parents to the golden one.

I don't think it ever leaves us entirely does it.