anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

[Hassled]

Christmas is so hard, isn't it? All those memories - and other people just have no idea. DH tries so hard to be supportive and understanding, and I know he misses my father too, but really he can't begin to know how I'm feeling. It's like it's so enormous you just can't describe it.

And so often mothers are the copers - we have to just bloody get on with it, don't we? I think what Solo said about having to hold the family together is true for so many of us.

How many other people see their children in their parents? I posted about DD/my mother, but DS3 is another genetic throwback - he looks nothing like either DH or I, but is the image of my father as a boy. My father only met him twice - he would have been delighted to meet his doppelganger!

[solo]

Lord Almighty. I've just found out one of my cousins Dw has cancer...It's started again :( &

[solo]

Hassled, I always suspected one of my nieces was not my brothers child, but I have now aquired a picture of my Great Grandma and she is the image of my niece (or the other way round iyswim) including the downturned mouth. Do you believe in reincarnation? I do and I'm wondering.

It is amazing! the resemblance isn't it? so uncanny.

[KateF]

I have no-one to talk to about how I feel to have lost my parents. I feel as though a huge chunk of me has disappeared and left an empty space. At the moment I feel as though I am reliving last year and those dreadful four weeks betrween Mum's diagnosis and death. It's worse because I trained as a doctor and had a bad feeling about Mum's symptoms from the start. I pushed to have her admitted the weekend before she was diagnosed- I should have done it sooner, I will never forgive myself

[Hassled]

Kate, I'm so sorry. I think going through that as a doctor must have made it additionally hard for you. I don't see how you can possibly blame yourself, though - it sounds to me like you did all that you possibly could have. Hindsight can be a killer - but if you spend your time dwelling on the "what ifs?" you'll struggle to get past this. You did the best you could under hideous circumstances, and I'm sure your mum would have known and appreciated that.

[KateF]

Thanks Hassled. I know you're right and in reality nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome but I am plagued by "if onlys". I might have bought us more time. We had no time to do anything,the last time she said anything coherent was when they told us to take her home to die and she said "I can't believe this is happening". I had to go back home to my dds and when I went up to Mums three days later she was comatose, eght days later she was gone.

[2shoes]

KateF so sorry you are feeling like that, but imo it is normal.
my DB and I have talked about this a bit, my mum had a brain tumour, she was ill for years when we were growing up, so we should have known the signs..........yet when Dad got ill, we thought he had had a stroke and was depressed(sm had just died.
I think we all feel guilt of some sort, the what if's, and this must be worse for you as you are a doctor.
but maybe something deep down was telling you there was nothing you could do.
be kind to your self, guilt and what if's can be so hard to live with(I suffered badly when my mum died as I was 18) remember the good times and that you did all you could.
(hope that isn't waffle)

[KateF]

You've been very kind. I have no-one to talk to and it has helped to unburden a bit here. Have to go as dd3 has woken up but will come back another time. Thank you.

[2shoes]

do unload when ever you need to xx

[whitecloud]

KateF
I think you did the best you could in the circumstances. What if is a part of grief, I think. My Mum had a swollen face. I thought she had a tooth abscess and tried to persuade her to see a dentist/doctor but she wouldn't go. It was mouth cancer and she didn't have long. It is torture when the loved one doesn't want to be helped and you feel you aren't doing or haven't done enough, but you did the best you could. My brothers and I always felt that whatever you did it was always too late and the situation had changed and moved on and you had to rush to do something else. In that difficult situation you do what you can and it never seems enough.

You saying that a huge chunk of you has disappeared and left an enormous space - that is so true. It is such a lonely, lost place to be because they were always there and you expect them always to be there. I feel there is noone to look after me now even though I have dh and dd. He hasn't experienced this and I feel there is an abyss between those who have lost parents and those who haven't. Christmas is making me tearful - Mum suffered with depression in her final years and was sometimes reluctant to see us at Christmas, which hurt a lot, so this time of year is very difficult for me and my brothers. And I've got to put a good face on for my husband's family.

Let's keep on supporting each other.

[happysunshinedays]

10 years without my beautiful mum. She'd have adored her grandchildren. My 2 and my brother's 2, but never got a chance to meet them.

KateF, so sorry to hear you have lost both parents. I think it would make me feel like an orphan to loose my dad too, (even at 35yo!)

[NappyShedSal]

My mum died 8 weeks ago, (from a brain tumour - horrible, horrible, horrible) so it is still very very raw and new for me. It was my DDs birthday 1 week after her funeral and that was really hard - a card from my mums husband but not from Granny. So, christmas is going to be sooooo hard. In fact it's already hard as everyday I think of something that I would like to tell my mum about or ask her. If I'm honest I am just wishing the next few weeks away - just want it over and done with. I'm very aware that the first time is the hardest for everything, so hopefully next year it will be slightly easier.

I'm not sure whether I find threads like this helpful yet - I just sit and read them late at night with tears pouring down my face.

[solo]

Oh NappyShedSal, I'm really sorry for your loss. There is nothing else I can say to you except that everyones experience is a bit different.
This will be my second christmas without Dad and last year didn't feel as raw as I expected; I half expect it to be worse this year tbh.
Just be kind to yourself. Nothing can take away your personal pain and heary ache, but please know that you are amongst friends here and we all feel similar pain, so we know if you see what I mean.

[christie2]

My Dad died in February. I can't believe that Christmas is bothering me so. We never even were together at xmas (just phone calls) but got together before xmas last year before he started his chemotherapy and here is is one year later, all the hope gone as he is gone. Thanks for this site.

[solo]

Hi christie, sorry to see you here, but welcome.

I think some of what you are feeling is the knowing, the realisation that you don't have the choice to see your Dad this year. I didn't often spend Christmas with my parents, but I did see a lot of them and fortunately still do see Mum, but now we just can't can we... :(

We are all in similar boats on here with the difference being the timescale that our parent/s have gone, but it is evident to me that the pain does not simply disappear after 5 or 10 years, so it's great that we can tip out our feelings on here and know that we are understood.

[mikimoo]

My mum died in October. She had been battling MS for 23 years but it was a chest infection which suddenly and tragically turned into pneumonia.

I still can't believe that only a few days before she died, she had been on Skype laughing away at watching my son (then 13 months) crawling around the living room.

She wanted a party which we held last week for her and despite the horrendous weather, we had a massive turnout. I think my dad and I were keeping focussed on that as since then, we have regressed a little bit.

My mum was an incredible person - despite being quadroplegic in the last two years of her life, she barely complained and I think I only ever saw her cry once from pain the whole time she had the illness. Even in the hospital with a breathing mask and unable to talk, she still commanded me not to cry with her eyes and a small shake of the head!

I miss her so much and it's weird but it's like I'm also mourning the mum I lost ten years ago when she lost her mobility, not just the mum who died a couple of months ago.

Big hugs to everyone who's lost someone, at this difficult time of year

[charlieandlola]

My first xmas without my dad who drank himself to death in the summer. Also my 40th b day.

Amfinding it hard nit buying presents fir him.

We are going to centre parcs fir Xmas so we are not in their house staring at the empty space at the table.

I am dreading my birthday more - the first year ge won't be ringing me at midnight to be the first to wish me happy birthday. Always used to wake me up when I was little to tell me my birthday was finally here.

Sorry to everyone else for their losses.

[Ormirian]

Bless you all.

I still have mine but I live in dread of the phone call. Both are elderly now and neither in good health. I've see them deteriorate so much over the last few years. I am scared.

Hoping Christmas brings you some joy.

[greentomato]

I lost my dear, sparky, vibrant, feisty, intelligent, beautiful mum nearly 3 years ago and have struggled to express my profound grief ever since. Out of the blue tonight I have had tears pouring down my face and feel suddenly overwhelmed. It is all so random. And then I found this thread quite by chance. Dreadful that so many of us are dealing with the loss of parents but very comforting that there is a place here to share how we feel.

When mum died I felt that I had actually lost both parents - dad just disintegrated before our eyes. It was very tough.

But I remember phoning him in a crisis about a year after mum died (something to do with a dodgy building job) and he said "I'm getting straight in the car, I'll be there as soon as I can" I just cried and cried, I felt I had got my dad back.

Anyway, love to you all. Wishing you all courage to smile on through Christmas. x

[FooffysFestiveShmooffery]

I am so glad I found this thread. This is my second Christmas without my dear Dad and there is the big gaping hole in our family again. He died just as DD was 9 weeks old and DS was 6. She will never know her Papa but my DS lost his very best buddy and his pain was the hardest thing. He talks about his Papa alot and asked if he could have him back alive for Christmas which broke my heart he misses him so much as do we all.

I resent not having him here, I resent him dying so suddenly, I resent that my DD will never know what a lovely human being he was, He would have idolised her and she him.

My mum and sister live together but their relationship is going to pot since he has gone. It is sad to see and not be able to do anything about.

However, You are all going through the same as me so to you all have the very best Christmas possible xxx

[solo]

Fooffys, my Dad looked after my Ds from 17weeks old when I returned to work and Ds always called his Grandad his 'best pal' too. Ds hasn't grieved properly yet either and it is so hard :(

[follygirl]

Hi everyone,

This will be the 3rd Xmas without my darling Dad who died suddenly of a heart attack after an operation.

I promised him that I would look after my Mum and I'm doing my best. She's doing okay now although she still misses him a lot.

My children were only young when he died and I feel sad that they never got to know him. He was such a fantastic man.

I think about him all the time and miss him every day.

love you Dad

[follygirl]

As others have said I find it hard seeing my pil together. Although my dh has been amazingly supportive I don't think he really 'gets' how I am feeling. He still has both parents, I don't think you really understand the pain until you go through it yourself.

My ds (4) is becoming close to my fil. I'm happy that they have a great relationship although I find it hard as ds should have been having this relationship with my dad not my father-in-law. Silly I know.

[follygirl]

maxine5 I didn't get to say goodbye either. I'm sure he knew how much you loved him though. I hope mine did.