anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

[scootly]

Hello, Im new here but I wanted to say I am v sorry and thinking of all of you who have lost someone and are remembering. Its a v difficult time of year is Christmas. My young, wonderful, kind and funny Dad died 4 weeks ago today and I cant quite grasp what has happened. The pain of wanting to see and talk to my Dad and knowing I can't is almost too much to bear :(

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

Hello scootly, sorry to see you here, but you are welcome to stay and if you want to, you can talk about your lovely Dad with us; we are all supportive of one another and totally know what you are feeling right now even if it is over a different time frame.

It's easy to suddenly forget that they aren't here a year on. I saw a lovely old car in recent times, similar to one my Dad used to have and I thought 'ooh, Dad'd love that' and thought to tell him later. I even thought of photographing it for him; this was all in a matter of seconds, but it seriously hurts as you come back to reality...

[scootly]

Hi Five, thank you for your reply. I know exactly what you mean... Whenever I hear my phone go off to tell me I have a text my heart skips a beat because I'm just waiting for my dad to text me and when i realise that its not him, and its never going to be him again...the memory can be a cruel and kind thing. My stepdad said you never lose your parents as they are always in your heart. I know hes right and Ive had moments like yours where ive said to myself 'oh I'll just ring Dad and let him know' because I saw his favourite teabags on a special in tescos the other day. The bump back down to earth is a painful one....

[whitecloud]

Hallo again - hope you are all managing to cope with the Christmas thing and the weather. So identify with mumoverseas. Three and a half years since Dad died and two and a half since Mum - carols always make me cry because Mum and I used to listen to the Kings College service on Christmas Eve. I get too upset now. My dd is older so don't have to go to carol services etc. Hope those of you with younger children are managing to keep your feelings in check and smile for them. Think this thread helps to let grieving feelings out.

My dd is 15 and I have had to explain to her a bit about why I find Christmas difficult. For years before Mum died she was depressed about it and reluctant for me dh and dd to visit, which hurt a lot. Find it hard to spend Christmas with my in-laws and another difficult relative (won't go into that). Have less patience than before and it seems to accentuate the loss. Have had to explain a bit so my dd doesn't just think I am being a killjoy. It is a relief to talk to others who find Christmas anything but a happy time. What makes it worse is the pressure that you are supposed to be enjoying it.

To those more recently bereaved - my third Christmas has been a bit less tough than the second. Eventually your subconscious realises that they are not there any more and you don't get that awful overwhelming grief over and over again because you still think they are there and suddenly realise they are not. Hope you are all managing to get through what you need to. Grief is so exhausting, so if you can find time to rest a little it is a good idea. Seems to help.

[Nicola10]

Hi I'm new to this forum. My mum died last Tuesday, a week before her 79th birthday. I live 100 miles from dad so i hope that the weather is kind to me, and I can get to the funeral.

[LittlePushka]

Nicola10, my greatest sympathies are with you. even in your darkest days I am sure you will find support from great posts on here. as i say above, ...keep talking my love. x

[Nicola10]

Little Pushka, thank you. I was with her at the end, and the end was peaceful in that she was asleep. However, in the last 6 weeks she had suffered greatly (she had a stroke and her organs were shutting down and was in great pain even though she was on morphine). I have always thought that there was life after death, but seeing her body shutting down like it did, I can no longer think like that, and I think I have lost my comfort zone iyswim.

[aristocat]

i am so sorry nicola10 losing a parent is so difficult
i hope the weather changes and enables you to travel to the funeral - we love to talk here and there will always be someone to offer support

((hug))

[LittlePushka]

Nicola, Aristocrat is so right. I know exactly how you feel. Like your Mum, my dear old Dad sort of closed down gradually and it was heart breaking - it was many, many long and difficult months before I could remember him well rather than as ill. In my mind I always saw a gaunt face not the very handsome distinguished gent that he was and it haunted me so much. so I very much do see what you mean.
BUT, now he is back all wonderful in my memory bank. Sure,.. I still cry at the drop of a hat, at certain records, at a particular smell, on remembrance day (old soldier you see), often in shops, always in church, sometimes at bedtime prayers with my LO's.. but now always because I miss the real him (rather than being sad about how his illness took him). And I do now, once again feel that he goes on.

I am just trying to say that I am sure that you will get your comfort zone back. I may take a good wee while yet,..and you will almost certainly go a long way back before you move forwards. There will be a lot of folk here who are wishing you a speedy journey back to you comfort zone. Best wishes x

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

Nicola, my deepest sympathies to you and your family; there is never a 'good' time for someone you love to pass away, but Christmas time and in your case you Mum's birthday time are always the worst :(

I'm another one that watched my Dad shut down and physically die after losing the fight to cancer. I've always believed in life after death and have had experiences that just confirm that to me.
I too am sure that your comfort zone will return. If you don't mind, I will remember you in my prayers.x

[Nicola10]

Thank you all! x

[ninaprettyballerina]

Last Saturday I was 34+1 wks pregnant. I live 100 miles from my family. Sunday morning was told that my mum was rushed into hospital struggling to breath. They said there was 80% chance she'd die. I drove down and saw her. All her organs had failed and each was being supported by machines, they couldn't say what caused it. I told her I loved her and that I'd be back tomorrow. Drove home back to my 2 yr old.
Went into labour that night and had baby at 34+4. We're stuck in hospital 100 miles away, baby not doing well, my 2 yr old not understanding where mummy is and me not being able to see my mummy or tell her about her precious new grandchild.
My mummy died this morning, on her own as the weather meant my dad couldn't get there on time.
Although I'd prepared myself I'm heartbroken beyond belief that she never knew about her new grandchild.
Getting discharged and to the funeral is something I can't bring myself to think about. Will I miss my mummy's funeral??

[Nicola10]

Nina, I'm so sorry. Take care of yourselves! x

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

Nina that is so sad for you; I'm so sorry.
Rest assured though that even though you yourself didn't have the opportunity to tell your Mum of the birth of her new Grandchild; she does know. Praying for you also and your new baby.x

[aristocat]

nina that is so sad.

i had a similar situation with my dear mother, i had visited her (she was a little poorly with shingles) and left to catch the bus home (i didnt drive). as i was going through my door the phone was ringing and it was moms neighbour telling me she had called an ambulance, i got in a taxi asap and rushed back to moms but she had already passed away .
this all happened in a short time as i am only a few miles away.

obviously i felt similar to you and wished that i had never left her - but she was ok.
it was a huge asthma attack that took her life ...... i have never posted this before and i must stop as it has made me cry.

please dont be hard on yourself nina you did what you thought was the right thing to do. wishing you all the best.

[MonicaDickens]

I'm on MN because I'm avoiding packing to go home for Christmas.
I live abroad, I used to love Christmas but now, I am just sad.
I'm flying to England tomorrow morning at 6am and I haven't packed a thing for me or my 3 children.
My dad died unexpectedly 6 months ago. I didn't see him before he died. I flew over for the funeral. I know that the "first" things are hard. 1st birthday, 1st Christmas... I know and I talk to my mum every day and she's strong but she's struggling.

I will get there & I will help her & I know we will get through it but I'm just so sad.

I can't stop crying and I didn't expect that.

When do you stop crying?

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

Hi Monica.
I don't think there are any rules about the crying. I think that you are feeling it more at the moment because you are facing coming back to the place that you last saw and probably always remember and visualise your DDad, so it means that there is a massive void where he should be in the physical sense.
Crying is a good thing IMO (I wish I could cry properly) as it lets out some of the pain in your heart. It is be awful losing your Dad ~ more so when you aren't expecting it I suspect. I knew my Dad was going to die and just felt numb really and couldn't cry.
I'm sorry you are going through this in any case; I'm sorry you don't have your Dad to hug still, but he is and always will be in your heart, no one can take that away.

[MonicaDickens]

Thank you Five.

You just never know, do you? How it hurts, how long it lasts, how weird it is.

I keep thinking the crying is good but it hasn't helped yet. I know I'd advise any friend to feel how she/he feels & no one can tell you what's the "right" way to feel and for how long. Harder to take your own advice.

My heart goes out to anyone missing someone this Christmas.

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

You do really just have to take it as it comes. Take care.

[hollynivy]

First christmas without mum who died in october. Still numb most of the time, with a day or two of sheer pain here and there. Have to keep going tho. as I have young baby and toddler. I feel so alone.

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

Hi holly.
You aren't alone, we are all here and have a good idea how you feel and what you are going through.
I'm so sorry that you've lost your Mum. Feel free to talk about how you are feeling or about your Mum ~ anything really. It's a busy time of year, but someone will be reading and probably posting here, but don't think no one cares if nobody answers straight away. Someone will so just keep posting and reading. Take care of yourself :)

[MummyWallace]

Really don't want to go home for Christmas- it'llbe the first one without dad and feel horrible and guilty. Clearly am going to give mum and grandparents support but really just want to stay here with my husband and kids. Can't stand the idea of him not being there when I come downstairs (still asks me if "he's" been yet!), when we unwrap presents, eat dinner and slob all afternoon. He's left such a big hole and we all miss him.
Just don't want to go home as I know he won't be there and it'll be up to me and the kids(aged 2 and half and 6 months) to keep it going. Mum and gran keep crying and looking so sad I can't stand it. Want mum to be my mum and look after me but she can't as she's deep in grief and it's changed her totally. I know this sounds terribly selfish but it's how I feel and I am going back home tomorrow but it's with a sad and heavy heart.

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

:( MW, I'm sorry sorry and I (and I'm sure many others on here) hear you.
He's still with you and your family even if you don't believe in eternal life after death as he's in your heart and your memories.

I'm sorry if you've said before, but how long ago did you lose your lovely Dad? it's been 16 months for me and often feels like yesterday. Heartbreaking. Am so sad for you.

[Justalittlereindeer]

Didn't know this thread was here.

I lost my darling Dad on the 4th August this year. Myself and DD arrived there on the Tuesday afternoon to stay with my Mum and Dad for a week. Mum woke up on the Wednesday morning to find my Dad dead in bed beside her. It was completely unexpected an we had to go through the Inquest process to find out what had happened. We discovered he'd been in heart failure, and none of us knew. His heart had simply stopped in his sleep and that was it.

I saw him that morning as my Mum freaked out when she found him.

I also went to see him at the funeral directors prior to the funeral.

Both images will live with me forever.

It's been a really strange few months. I live 350 miles away from my mum and younger sister. So I've not had to miss Dad day-to-day. But I still miss him terribly.

All the happy memories I have are tinged with sadness when I realise that's all I have now. And I'm sad for all the happy times we should have been able to share with him in the future. And sad that I didn't spend enough time with him over the past few years.

I also feel a terrible guilt that my family is actually still very much in tact. I still have my husband and beautiful baby. My life is as it was before. In a day to day sense. My mum and sister have a hole in their lives where he once was.

I'm spending Christmas with my daughter and husband as always, and seeing my mum and sister on the 27th
Dec for a couple of days. I know it will be strange when they arrive without Dad.

I really don't know how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm desperately looking forward to Christmas. My baby is 17 months old now so should have a wonderful time this year. I love Christmas. Dad loved Christmas. But there's just a hole, isn't there? I guess there always will be.

So that's me and my very own sob story

Nice to meet you.

[FiveColdRingsForSolo]

I had a big print done of my Dad for his 'big send off' and let my Mum keep it afterwards. She put it on his side table next to his chair (which Mum commandeered after he went)and I am always looking over to his corner and looking at him smiling back at me. I remember from that photo that I drove us all to his brothers several hundred miles away six months before he passed so that he could have some time with his dearest brother. I remember feeling very conscious of taking those photo's knowing that he knew the biggest reason for me taking them was because it would be the last time that he and his brother would meet in this life time and that ultimately he was going to die, but I also did it for me. Actually, it was the second picture of the same pose as the first one was quite miserable and I told him to 'come on, smile Dad...' it's a beautiful picture of him with his gentle eyes. God I miss him. I'm sobbing my heart out here writing this. Probably a good thing for me actually.