anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

[solo]

Follygirl, I did that too (promised Dad I'd look after Mum) just hours before he slipped away and I too am doing my best, but it's such a massive responsibility and it ensures that we put ourselves and our needs, feelings etc further back on the list of priorities.
I know I need to get some perspective and see to my own needs.

[FooffysFestiveShmooffery]

Maxine5 - I feel the same. I got to the hospital 15 minutes too late. My Mum and sis were 5 mins too late. It leaves you with many unanswered questions.

The HDU nurse decided it would be a good idea to tell us what happened at the end and we will never live in the blissful ignorance that he might have passed away peacefully. I honestly think I would prefer that.

[solo]

:( you'd think nursing staff would be more thoughtful and sensitive toward grieving relatives, the exception being that if they were asked for the final details of course...

[BikeRunSki]

My Dad died 17 years ago on Thursday. I still get a little bit sad around this time of year. It is a bit happier now though, as my niece will be 2 on Thursday.

It gets better folks. That residual maudlin feeling means that you have not forgotten them.

[snowwight]

My Dad died this summer in a sailing accident. One minute he was here full of life with his famous sense of humour and the next nothing.

I am finding that really, really hard and that if I had been with him I could have saved him, been with him.

And it's nearly Christmas and my mum is not coping and I am not coping with her not coping when I should be.

bikerunski my dh says that the gaping hole becomes more managable with time and I am clinging to this hope.

[follygirl]

solo Same thing happened to us.

My dad had had an operation to remove a tumour. The op was succesful and the cancer in early stages so we were hopeful. Then at 0700 we got a phone call to say he wasn't well. By the time I got my dh to come home and look after the kids and then pick my mum up, battle through rush hour, I arrived at 0845. He had died of a heart attack at 0815. Apparently they tried to revive him about 6 times!

So now when I think of his death I think of all the rushing around, machines bleeping and all the CPR. Not the peaceful end we would all hope for. No one's fault of course, just not ideal is it.

The staff at the hospital were amazing, I'm not saying they weren't. However I could have done without being given a mug of tea which said 'Best Dad' on it, as I was sat next to my dead one.

[sam12]

Hi so sad reading your stories.
My mum died 3 years ago very unexpectedly and I still can't quite believe it. Someone (sorry can't remember name) said that they felt like they hadn't had time to grieve and I feel the same and don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. I still haven't been able to bring myself to go to her grave. She really was the centre of our family.
I have just had a baby and found the whole pregnancy thing hard to face without my mum. Am so sad thinking about how much she would have loved dd and how much dd is missing by not having her nan around.
My mum really loved christmas and the rest of the family are slightly scrooge like so I throw myself into it and try and keep the christmas spirit going just like she would have done.
I am glad to have found this thread and hope you don't mind me joining in

[solo]

Bugger! just typed a long post and Dd knocked the keyboard and lost it all (bfing). Will come back to it...

[LadyBlaBlah]

2nd christmas without my hilarious and fun dad. I miss him all the time. My family has self-combusted ever since he died and I know things will never be the same again.

DS2 did a wish for his school wish tree which said " I wish granddad would come back and visit" and I couldn't agree more.

I have only recently had the capacity to write to the hospitals and complain about his treatment (it was 9 pages in the end!) so I finally feel like I am doing what he would have expected me to do wrt his shitty treatment 'by that bunch of arseholes'.

[LittlePushka]

Hi 2 shoes. This is my second christmas withous my dear old dad. And it cuts like a knife.

I agree that MN folk on this topic have a huge capacity to support - that there are so many wonderful messages here for you is evidence of that. I just wanted to wish you some peace and some joy among the sadness.

I know it is not everyone's cup of tea and I intend no offence, but my prayers and empathy are with you and all of the good folk above who, who just like me, have a heavy heart still.

You are very much not alone.

[PeppermintCream]

Hi all, hope I can join? So sorry to hear all of your stories. I could do with some advice, my dad died last month and although I was devasted, I've managed to keep on going. Since clearing dad's house out on the 23 nov I've not been able to go back to work; I just ache.
Anyway, I'd hoped to return to work this week, but the peace I feel I need did not happen last week (snow, 3 dcs etc). Can I ask do you think it's reasonable for me to ask for more time off work. Snow stops grieving, seems such a pathetic excuse? Support/ tips anything would be appreciated.
In return, I'll do my best to listen to/ support all of you.

[solo]

Welcome PeppermintCream, sorry you are here though.
I don't know Peppermint. I think all jobs are different; I know mine wouldn't have much sympathy or compassion. Do you think your doctor would sign you off for a week? your body reacts to grief as much as your mind. Could you talk to him and see what he says?

[PeppermintCream]

Hi Solo, yes I'm thinking about getting a drs appointment, I'm usually really strong, never take time off work or feel sorry for myself, but I am just in a state of torpor.
Thank you, it helps that someone else does not think I'm being a complete loon to consider speaking to the doc.

[FooffysFestiveShmooffery]

Hi Peppermint, Just wanted to add that it might be an idea to ask the doctor to sign you off for a couple of weeks if possible. I can honestly say for a few weeks after we lost my Dad my poor DCs were lucky if they got a wash in the morning because my head was elsewhere and my body felt like it wouldnt do what I wanted it to.

A couple of weeks to focus yourself would be really good for you I think.

My sympathies, its all very fresh for you at the moment.

[LittlePushka]

Hi peppermintcream. I cant give you any tip but I would say that the ache may well go on for a good wee while. Def not a loon!

For me, doing my job was a way of going on to automatic pilot - (even though dealing with death and bereavement is part of my job.) You don't say what your job is but you may find that the familiarity of your job helps you get through the days.

Expect to cry at the drop of a hat at the tiniest and most unexpected thought/sight/smell/music. And do not feel embarrassed about that even in the middle of WH Smiths on Fathers Day!

I either sobbed or shed a tear (or anything in between) at some point in every day for almost a year.I still cry when a memory broadsides me. I cannot permit the disposal of his fine clothes and I do hold them and bury my face in them to get a little bit of him back. You will have your own sort of grieving mechanisms that work for you.

For me work was a way back to focusing on others rather than me and that helped. And yes I did (and still occasionally do) cry at work. Oh, and for me, talking openly about Dad and the fact that he had died, especially with other folk who had just lost a loved one was also VERY helpful You will probably find in talking openly to your friends/work colleagues will give them a green light to give you support - people will talk to you about their experience of grief and it makes you feel so utterly normal rather than alone. Folk otherwise will be naturally reticent if you yourself are reticent, for fear of upsetting you.

So yep,...talk to the doctor or to a counsellor or any one - talk is good! Work, try it and see...?

My very best wishes with it peppermintcream.

[PeppermintCream]

Thank you.
Well I saw my GP and she has signed me off work for a week. I'm taking today to rest, think and cry.
I intend to run stats and do some work from home later this week and will take my team out for their Christmas lunch (this is my present to them) on Thursday.
Hopefully, that will give me the combination of space and peace that I crave; but keep me focused on the 'routine of life' which I need to get back to.
It's so damn hard, I never expected it to be so physically painful.

[PeppermintCream]

Littlepushka - I completely know what you mean when you say it " cuts like a knife" it reall does hurt

[annielon40]

Hi, lost both my parents 13 years ago, both suddenly, my father first just before christmas and my mum a couple of months later, I was a young girl then with a baby daughter who i was bringing up on my own. How i got through that first year Ill never know, just had to carry on for my daughters sake. All this time later i still miss them terribly every day, I have felt so resentful that they werent there at my wedding (and never got to see me settle)and at the birth of my son. One of the awful things i remember was the physical pain when i lost them, and even now i cant think that much about them or it still hurts. It is true that you cope better over time, but i really think its a case of learning to live with it, not being frightened of talking about them and bringing them into conservations.

What i would do if i could have one more day with them, or one last cuddle.

Just needed to get that out xxxxxxx

[annielon40]

Although really emotional, im so glad i found this thread, lost both my parents who were both so young suddenly 13 years ago, and even now find tears creeping up on me unexpectently. I got married not long ago and found some of the excitement disappeared and had this terrible longing for them, however, my DD (16) gave me away making me so proud. Its just the normal everyday things that i miss so much, a coffee with my mum, walking the dog with my dad etc.

I have my own great family now, but not a day goes by when i dont miss them, sometimes feel resentful and feel that life can be so cruel at times. I dont think anyone really understands until they go through it, and yes the pain eases but i think that is that we grow more use to it, and can deal with it better as time goes on rather than it not hurting so much. Being totally not rational now but it seems so cruel that i lost my lovely parents who i adored so much and yet some people have their parents all their lives and dont really want them (thats not a good thought i know - i apologise xx)

What would we give for one more day with them or just a cuddle.....

love you mum and dad - merry christmas xxx

[annielon40]

sorry, added two posts, got upset writing the first one and thought i had deleted it! xxx

[LittlePushka]

Hey, annielon40 - better out twice out than trapped inside flower

[PeppermintCream]

Hi Annielon40, thank you for sharing your story. Although, I'm at a different stage of the process to you, I find it really heartening that the memories are still part of your every day life.
For me my dad was such a special man, I would hate it if his memory was forgotten.
Hold onto your memories, they need to be treasured.

[LilRedWG]

So many sad stories, but also full of love.

I miss Mum and Dad daily. We've had a shitty few weeks and I've just wanted Mum and Dad. I hate this time of year now. Dad was diagnosed just a few days before Christmas, Christmas Day is his birthday, NYE is my birthday.... The list goes on.

Our second DC is due in February - eight days after the second anniversary of Dad's death and eight days before the second anniversary of Mum's death.

[solo]

:( LilRed. They are still in our hearts though and I'm absolutely sure that they can see us and know they have another Grandchild to watch over. Keep strong.x

[LilRedWG]

Thank you lovely Solo. xxx