anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

Thats the worse thing mummylin, her just being no-where! Im finding that bit the hardest. I am missing her like mad at the moment, its so hard. I light the candles, apparently a dancing flame is spiritual presence so i look for that. I just feel for my dad so much and I am finding that very hard to deal with. I hope your holiday is ok, that will be hard hun, just think she is with you still sharing everything and ask her to send a feather, but i know this still doesnt help.
Madmomma so sorry to hear about your dad, my deepest sympathies. Must be so hard for your mum, i know how hard it is for my dad and it kills me to see him going through this, there is so much of my mums stuff around too, the house is saturated in it. I along with others do believe in the spiritual side and there has been a lot of things happen, things being moved, fluffy white feathers appearing, i have also smealt her perfume, i feel her around me too. Some days i can take that comfort, but then some days the void and emptiness is huge.

thanks mummylin and t875. I am not religious, but I do believe that love never dies, and I feel that every time I feel the love I have for my dad, or his love for me - our hearts make a connection somehow. Cheesy, and very unscientific, but there you go.

madmomma I am not religious either and i also think that love will never die,how can it when we the children are here because of the ones that have passed.In our bodies are the Genes they have given to us.Parents will never die,the children will carry them on, then the grandchildren and so on.I know at the moment its so hard to try and think like this ,but its true.But the awful thought is that eventually everyone has to go through losing their parents and there is nothing anyone can do to stop their heartache.take care

Aww thank you. And thanks for this thread. x

Someone said to me that you and you family are like a linked circle ,when someone dies one of the links goes ,but one day gradually all the links will fit back together. I really hope thats true ,i cannot bear to think i will never ever see my mum again.

Thats the thing Mummylin, we will see our mums again, but our life will be over and i hate to think of that, as i have a life still to live. But you are so right, i believe also that they live on in us and the children. My youngest tonight blew a kiss to the air and pretended to hug, and apparently i spoke to my friend today that if you do that, she said they will be there. So im taking a comfort of hugging the air. It definately isnt the same as them being here though.

I definately believe our love goes on with our loved ones even when parted, and tbh a huge part of my mums spirit lives on through me.

hugs all round x

Yes t875 that is the horrible part ,that we will have to die until we see them again and leave our own children behind.i dont like to think of that part at all !! Today is a beautiful sunny day ,and all i am thinking is ,mum is missing this day.She would be in her element doing her gardening,or sitting in mine having a cuppa and a natter.How i am going to miss that on the nice sunny days.The nice part is that i transplanted some of her plants in my garden and they are all growing so i am very happy about that, and so would mum be.

I find a lot of comfort in my little boy. He looks a lot like my Dad, and I somehow feel close to my Dad through my son. I will always talk to my Dad as if he can hear me. Maybe he can't but so what? Maybe he can, and there's nothing to lose. When I look at my babies and think 'my Dad would find that so funny', I find it comforting that I know him so well that I'd know what he'd think IYSWIM. So mummylin you know what your Mum would've felt about the day and what she'd have done because you knew and loved her so much. I think when you think those things, you're kind of enjoying the day for her. You know what it's like: when your kids are happy and enjoying themselves you are happy. It's still the same for our parents. Your Mum would want you to enjoy the sunshine and the garden on her behalf. She will enjoy you enjoying it, if that makes sense? Feel her. Even though you can't see her, you can feel her.
t875 that's so lovely about your youngest. I agree with your friend. Another thing that comforts me is doing little things in my Dad's name; like little kindnesses. It's about trying to replicate his kindness; and show the world some of my Dad's big heart.
Sorry for the ramble.

madmomma your son is a legacy from your dad, without your parents he would not be here !!.My children are now adults with children of their own but without my mum none of us would be here so that is my gift from her.But i really miss the physical presence of her.I have just had my aunt and uncle round [ mums sister ] they are so alike,and she sat in my mums chair in the garden !!!

Such great supportive posts, and i agree madmomma about legacys

mummylin, thats nice about the plants. i know what you mean, i was picturing my mum in the garden but she isnt there so hard.

i have the same as my eldest looks like my mum, and i also find myself saying little sayings my mum said. We were out in the garden tonight and i couldnt believe she is isnt there. My god its so horrible,

My dad is worrying me alot, i dont think he is happy, my heart breaks for him, im trying to talk other things but you can tell its all so sad for him. Anyone got any advise how i can help my dad? I talk to him every night before he goes to bed, and when i get in from work..hes been staying a lot, but not been as much.

So sad, and miss her terribly.

It must be so difficult for your dad.I think when a couple have been together for many years,it must be devastating to suddenly lose one half of you.You are worried about your dad and i bet he is also worried about you ! I think really all you can do is just be there for him when he wants to talk about things ,try and include him maybe on some little trips out or something.Does he belong to any social clubs ? if not maybe you could encourage him to join one.It depends i think on what sort of a person your dad is ,some people just want to be left alone ,whilst others long to be with others,But you are the judge of that and im sure you will be a great help to him.

Hi Mummylin, sorry not got back its all been manic here.

Yeah its very hard for my dad as they have been together for such a long time, over 40 years is very hard. I am there when he wants to talk, i talk to him everynight before bed and when he gets up.. He has been staying here on and off and we have had him here a lot too. He doesnt belong to social clubs but he does gardening for people and he has them as friends. I have said about clubs and he isnt interested, like you said he is that type of person, he just would rather be left on his own. Tough times ahead here as its his birthday next week and my brothers on Friday and my youngest next week! Wont be the same with out her, having all her special bits and extrs.

thoughts are with you mummylin and everyone on this thread. x

hello ,I have just returned from Portugal.It was the first holiday in about 12 yrs that my mum was not with us and i have to admit i did have a little cry one day. But i took a photo of my mum with me so she could actually be there.It may sound strange but thats what i wanted to do.We chose to go somewhere where we had not previously been when mum had been with us as i really would of found that unbearable.especially as i always used to share a room with her and my dh would share with my brother as otherwise it meant getting single rooms ,so thats how we used to do it to save on supplements.Anyway ,thst another first out of the way now.Weather there was glorious ,now we are back down to earth with a bump with the rain !!! We have another thing to deal with in the next couple of weeks and that is mums headstone should be ready. I think we will all feel a bit better when that is in place as it looks horrible at the moment.Take care and i hope all the birthdays are not too painful for all concerned.

Hello mummy Lin! Glad your holiday went ok the best it could. I bet she was there with you all x hoping the moment you do your mums headstone goes by for you too. We have had a lot of celebrations here. My dads and then my youngest next week miss being able to tell her all about it. :-(

X

I lost my Dad just over two years ago, when I was 19/20. I don't think it's something you ever really get over, just learn to deal with.

It really helped me to just be real about my relationship with him. We had a good relationship, but there were some times when we really disliked each other. I found that by remembering him exactly as he was - and that was by no means perfect - it really helped me. It was harder for my sister who like perfected my Dad after his death so she felt like she'd lost the best thing ever. In reality, it's not like that. He was wonderful but not perfect. It's so shitty but it's worth remembering his flaws. They make me smile, and we laugh about them now. The way he'd be really irrational about things and sometimes a real, royal BUMHEAD. :)

I wish all of you the best. It's not easy and sometimes I'll have a bad day and cry but generally, I'm happy just as often as I'm sad. If anything, it has put my own mortality back into focus (at the ripe old age of 22!!) and I live for now. I married a wonderful man who stood strong by me in the worst moments. I probably would've waited if this hadn't happened. But I now know that my life is too short to pop plans on the backburner.

I think the greatest legacy a parent leaves behind is you. I think the greatest gift in memory of them is to live your life to the fullest and be as happy as you can. Stay strong!

Really wise words, thanks for writing this and so very sorry about your loss. Yeah me and my mum had moments when I lived at home but not as much father I left home. So remembering them times too, :)

Was my youngests party today, wasn't too bad. Cried and laughed and missed her like mad.

Spooky story here, I chose a cd from my rack of 50 cd's and we were doing the cake for my dd. I put the music on, hubby come in with the cake and my daughters favourite song come on the stereo! Blew me away! But made me think my mum was having her say on singing happy birthday :)
Also I randomly hear lazier light by jessi j which inrelate to my mum, listen to the words, well that song has come on 3 times at random places first song!! Again makes me believe she is around Hope you don't mind me sharing these stories. X

ello ,how is everyone doing now ? I have ben having many teary times ans still cant believe my mum is not here anymore.We have had a elay in erecting mums headstone as the memorial people say the stone hasnt arrived to them yet.So it wiull now be in July rather than June.I will fel a tad better when mum has a decent burial plot.at the moment it looks horrible with just sinking dirt on it.Does anyone know if the cemetery adds more dirt or do we do it ourselves ?? We dont mind but was just wondering.I cannot believe that nearly 8 months have passed now,i have never in my life not seen my mum for so long.But i know there are hundreds of others in the same position,i just feel sorry for myself at the moment.I hope you are all beginning to live with the horrible events of the last few months.Take care all.x

Apologies for the terrible spellings ! i did not preview first.

Hi mummylin. :: hug:: to you, it's very hard still some days, there has been loads going on all through June with my dads birthday and my youngest daughter, but also my eldest is going to seniors and lots of stuff I know my mum would love to be involved with, so it is very very hard but I'm trying to focus on her being around and having the signs which I get often, love heart rose petals, hearts in all forms craft gems, and also feathers, I also know what I can't think about missing her and what isnt there anymore although times cant as it kills me bad inside :-(

Nearly 3 mths for us now.
I am sorry mummylin i don't know about the questions you are asking. I hope you can get some answers. We will be getting a plaque for my mum soon, will be nice spend time at a special place, although I have a special place I sit in the garden.

Thinking of everyone else who is going through a hard time at the moment x

I would love to have something that was a sign from my mum.although its very weird because sometimes i almost think she is still here,then i remember with a thud.I hope she can see what i have been doing and that we will meet up again one day.The thought of never ever seeing her is unbearable.Take care

Hi mummylin, Apparently if u ask for a sign, message, you will get one. They come in different forms. Lights coud flicker, your song on the radio, maybe their favourite song on the radio, smell, I have even felt my hand tingle and go warm where I feel she held my hand. I have also had heart shaped rose petals, my mum was very spiritual as well, so we had a connection when she was alive with other passed relatives of ours.

I know what you mean I find it very hard knowing we won't see her again, I try very hard to not think like that as it suffocates me and takes me very down.

Hugs to you and thinking of you x

Im going to try that.I would feel so much better knowing mum is around me somewhere.Mum was always talking about "when im not here anymore " and even talking about it with her used to upset me and i would always tell her i didnt want to talk about it as the thought was so upsetting.I still have so many boxes of her things here to sort out.I was awful at the time and saved so much of her stuff as i could not bear to part with things that she either used or liked.One of my brothers has said he will help me to do it when we both get around to it.

I know it's not having my mum round in the physical sense but to know she is around spiritually has really helped me, I have smelt my mums perfume and I also I think...I'm not totally sure butnn the night she passed I thought she called my name.

Some days though the spiritual side hasn't been enough..

Let me know if when you get something. Look out for a fluffy white feather or a single white feather too.

Pm me anytime mummylin if you need a chat, im always here thou too. X

i will certainly let you know if anything happens.I would be so much more content if i knew she was around me somewhere.I just cant imagine my life ahead without my mum.She was a massive part of my life ,more so than my siblings in a way because i was the only one at home during the day ,hence i would see her nearly everyday when she came round to either bring me a cake [ she made them for us all ] or just for a cuppa.She made all the family baby clothes,cooked us dinner ,helped her friends ,did all her own gardening etc.She was so many different things to so many people.And she worked so hard to give us all a good life.And she would never spend any money if she could help it,we were always telling her to buy something if she said she would like it.She was more concerned about her children in the future.She was lovely and i miss her.A lot.

I lost my Mum in January after some medical errors and a subsequent stroke. I have been blocking most of it out,and so finally today started some bereavement counselling.I miss my Mum so, so much.

Anyway, after my counselling session l went to collect my daughter from school a bit earlier than usual and had to wait in the car.I was still thinking about Mum and didn't feel like reading any of the work I'd brought to read. I threw the work on the back seat and put classic fm on instead.
Then I thought I'll go on MN and read through the bereavement posts and see how other people are doing, and see if that helps. I read some of the white feather posts. I started that instant crying, that seems to come from nowhere.Whilst I identified with grief in the posts,to be honest I also thought " as if" and it's just a coincidence, when reading about the white feathers.

Anyway, I was still crying so said in my head " Ok then Mum ,go on,go on, give me a sign if you can ."

Instantly I smelt some perfume. I didn't recognise it as my Mum's. I just thought I imagined it and that it was because I was upset and it was my mind playing tricks.

So I pulled myself together in time for Dd to come put of school. Then we drove home, chatting about her day as usual.

We got home and I grabbed my work from the back car seat, where I'd thrown it.There on the back seat was a small White feather. Incredible.

I find it weird and immensely comforting.