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Bereavement

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Original poster

anyone is grieving for a parent

828 replies

2shoes · 20/11/2010 23:40

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

OP posts:
TheFarSide · 30/01/2012 22:26

Strangely enough, I had a dream about my mum a couple of nights ago when I was apologising for getting rid of her things - in my dream she was with me and I said 'sorry we threw your make-up and underwear away when you died' !!! It must be preying on my mind.

mummylin2495 · 31/01/2012 16:34

i think i will only be going there once more.have been today and washed down all the cupboards etc and i admit i have "rescued" two little bedside cabinets and a chest of drawers ! I also bought a few more little things home and that will now be it.The furniture that no-one is having will be taken by the heart foundation on thurs.Then all we have to do is empty the two sheds,which i think i will leave for my brothers to do.I do want to dig up a couple of mums plants to put in my garden.Then today we recieved an offer for the bungalow, although my brother and i are executors we want to ask the other siblings what they think before we accept.I feel i will never be able to go up my mums road again after this is all done.For now though i have to concentrate on my dh as he is going in for a hip replacement next week and he has already decided he will be ill when he comes home !!!! Very busy week ,funeral of a young friend ,my sisters twins going to be born on wednesday and my dh going in thurs morn ,op in the afternoon !!!.I dont think i can cope with anything else at the moment,its all been too much.It makes you wonder how our bodies cope with all this stress.It does not seem possible it is now 3 months since my mum left us,in my head though it still feels like yesterday and i am still going through the last evening i had with her,i cant seem to move past that.How is everyone else coping with this ?

TheFarSide · 31/01/2012 18:55

mummylin you have certainly got a lot on your plate and it sounds like you've not really had much time to deal with your grief. I hope this week goes OK for you and that you manage to get some time to yourself at some point: maybe that will help you come to terms with your last evening with your mum. I feel like the bad memories of my mum's distressing death are fading, but I have had a lot of time on my own to process those memories, if that makes sense.

mummylin2495 · 01/02/2012 00:03

I think the fact that mums death was entirely unexpected gave us all such a huge shock and that as yet has not gone away. I worry that she was in pain ,or that she was scared , but logically i know it all happened so suddenly it must of been instant.But my brain does not think logically at the moment when i think about her.I miss her so much and i still expect her to come back.Isnt that stupid.I know she wont ever be here again.It is almost unbearable ,but i know we all have to get on with our lives.Its just so hard and so sad.

donotunderstand · 01/02/2012 04:45

Oh goodness we are all having such a hard time! I'm also struggling with the images still and keep finding myself replaying her last few hours, the last time she came to my house, the funeral etc over and over in my head. We've also got clothes to sort out and I'm supposed to be going to my parents this weekend to do this but dh and i are on our knees at the moment with a colicy baby who screams all evening and dd1 has been ill and passed it on to us. If we don't go i really feel like I'm letting my dad down as he'd arranged a probate house evaluation on friday which will have to be cancelled and i know he's struggling having her clothes in the wardrobe but i think our limits may be close to being reached and i don't know if i can handle going through her clothes on top of everything else.

People keep telling me that one day the memories will make me smile instead of cry but they have no comprehension of how she suffered and i can't let go of how much she is missing out on.

Hope everyone is okay as they can be and not too cold! I really hope things become a little easier for us all very soon x

mummylin2495 · 02/02/2012 22:36

Today has been a tearful day for me ,the people came to take away mums furniture.It was so sad. It ws the heart foundation.I told them they could not take her little music center then changed my mind .We all have everything like that and quite honestly i dont have any room for it..I have so many containers of all her personal things as it is.I have sorted some of them but a long way to go yet until things go to my siblings.They have all had some of it but loads to go . I also had a shock when i got to the house first thing and on the wall was a sale agreed board ! That was so quick ,but of course it may all fall through. All the rooms are now empty and i can continue with the cleaning etc.I tried to remain calm and indeed did until i was back home and my dh walked in the door,then i just could not hold back the tears.I oo keep going back to the last time i saw mum alive.Its just terrible isnt it.When i kissed her goodbye ,we didnt know it really was goodbye forever and it is so upsetting to think of that moment and those last words. On a lighter moment i think i have enough bleach to last me for the next ten years !! Mum certainly stocked up on that and tea bags.

TheFarSide · 02/02/2012 23:45

Sorry to hear about your day mummylin - it must have been really hard.

mummylin2495 · 04/02/2012 13:27

Tomorow will be my first birthday without a card from my mum ,but i have solved that and will put up one i have had previously.It is also my sisters [ the one who died ] birthday so i will be going to the cemetery to take mum and my sister some flowers. I hope the snow does not disrupt my plans for this .

donotunderstand · 04/02/2012 22:00

Happy birthday for tomorrow mummylin! It's my sisters birthday soon
and i think i'll mention to her about you putting out an old card from your mum as it sounds like a brilliant idea. Really hope the snow doesn't disrupt your plans too much and you can enjoy ur day as much as is possible in these difficult times for you x

mummylin2495 · 07/02/2012 14:12

Thankyou for the good wishes.Yes the card is great and mine is out now ! i managed to have a lovely day in spite of everything and going to the cemetery.There was an old man sitting in his car playing music to whoever was in the grave,he was playing the very song we had at mums funeral,it brought a lump to my throat. We have no snow here at all ,my town always gets missed out ! Well the next two days are going to be nerve wracking,my sister will have her babies tomorrow morning at some time and my dh will go in on thursday to have his hip replaced.They have said because he is young to have this done and has strong muscles he may be able to come home on saturday.I have bought him a laptop[ courtesy of my mum ] so he does not have to keep going up and down the stairs to use his pc.The house sale has been agreed but we still have some things to move,but mostly from the garden sheds.The end is in sight now and then maybe i will have the time to reflect and begin to move on a bit.It has been impossible with having to keep going through mums stuff and up her house. Tomorrow will be a sad / happy day as my mum would of loved to have been able to meet her new little grandchildren.Hope everyone else is beginning to cope a bit better now.

TheFarSide · 07/02/2012 23:41

Glad you got through your birthday OK mummylin and hope the rest of your week goes well :)

donotunderstand · 08/02/2012 05:32

Hope all goes well with the birth of the twins, having had dd2 so soon after my mum passing away i completely understand what you men about it being exciting and sad. I really wish my mum could have seen her even once!

Things have been tough here with two un well children and my sister is really struggling and hard to support as she's young and understandably no one else is any good as they're not my mum.

Look forward to hearing the babies are here safely x

mummylin2495 · 08/02/2012 10:20

She was going to be first on the list this am so am sat here nervously waiting for the phone to ring.She did have a few tears earlier this morning as in the hotel [ next to hopspital ] they played the very song we had at mums funeral.Thats the very same one the old man was playing at the cemetery on sunday ! she last text me at 8.20 and said she would be going between then and 9am,but i have not heard yet,I hope all is ok with them all.i still think girl / boy but i should soon know.My mum would of been so proud.

mummylin2495 · 08/02/2012 14:07

Two little girls ,one weighing 5lb 15 oz ,the other 5lb 5oz.Abigail and Jennifer.all is well with my sis and babies. Wish my mum could of been here to see them ,she would of been so proud to have twins.

TheFarSide · 08/02/2012 20:35

Lovely news mummylin - new lives beginning.

donotunderstand · 08/02/2012 22:01

That's wonderful news, have been thinking about them all day! Beautiful names and good weights Smile congratulations to you and your family!

Can i ask what song it is that you played at the funeral? Completely understand if you would rather not say x

donotunderstand · 08/02/2012 22:02

P.s hope all goes well for your husband tomorrow x

mummylin2495 · 08/02/2012 23:57

It was " you raise me up" by daniel o'donnel who was one of mums favourite singers. I do have a pic of the babies now ,but its on my phone ,i will see if i can put on here tomorrow at some point.Dh going in at 10am ,op will be in the afternoon.I am allowed to stay until they are ready for him. it will be nice to see him walking properly again without pain,but first the new hip !!

Readinghelps · 09/02/2012 00:37

I've just spent a couple of hours readin these posts with tears streaming, I didn't make it through them all! I felt I should leave a comment. I'm v. Lucky in the way that I still have my mum and step dad,never knew my real dad. I stumbled across the first post when searching bereavement for my brother, he died in '08 and i don't think i grieved for him properly.I lost my sister too who I was terribly close too she didn't die she just met and married a control freak in '09 in the space of my 2nd pregnancy.i moved to a remote area with my kids and other half recently, I haven't made new friends, I don't like change and I'm socially awkward at best of times, it was only a decade ago that icouldn't wait to get away from my parents I'm 30 and now I can't wait to see them and i love being in thier company, i still force my step dad to ask geographical and math q's and feel all proud when i get one right! I'm utterly dependant on them and I really don't know what I'd do without them. I truly am gutted for each and every one of you who has lost a parent or a loved one and dread the day that I lose mine. god bless us all. Nb I'm not religious but it seems to fit.

mummylin2495 · 09/02/2012 08:46

Thankyou reading it is indeed an awful and heartbreaking situation but it does help to talk others going through the same thing.

There is a pic of the new arrivals on my profile ,off to get ready to go with dh now.

donotunderstand · 09/02/2012 14:51

reading- thanks for your thoughts and mummylin is so so right it really does help talking to others who are dealing with the same thing. Sounds you have lots on your plate at the moment and could do with some extra support x

mummylin- those twins are so so cute! They do have lots of hair, was the old wives tale right and did your sister suffer with indigestion? I know i kept gaviscon in business with my last pregnancy and dd2 had quite a lot of hair when she was born.

Music is so powerful and what a great song to have played at your mums funeral. The song I struggle with is that army wives song that ws released at Christmas, it's lovely but will always remind me of what a difficult time this has been, it came on the radio yesterday and I burst into tears which really shocked me.

I just keep feeling over whelming sadness at the moment and am hoping it isn't t he beginning of post natal depression but know this is something I need to be aware of. When will things get easier? Everyone keeps telling me the first year is the worst Sad There's so so much I want to tell my mum and I bought a note book weeks ago to start writing to her but with such a young baby and a toddler I haven't written a word.

mummylin2495 · 09/02/2012 17:19

I actually do talk to my mums picture.And this afternoon one of my brothers and i have managed a smile at some of the things mum has done.It cheered me up as i have been a nervous wreck all day.Dh's op was last on the list and so he is actually still in theatre now.We had to be there at 10am and so the more time went on the more nervous we got.So i was there until he went for his op and my brother kindly came and picked me up.I am very grateful that our mum was not ill ,did not suffer dementia ,did not become incapable of doing anything she loved.Of course we misss her terribly and always will, but for those things we are all very thankful.Its just that i want her back, even if only for one day, i would tell her so much that i didnt.But as we know dreams like this can never be realised.If only !
My sister had a lot of heartburn so i think it must be true about the hair !!!!

Readinghelps · 09/02/2012 19:35

Thank you both I felt a bit selfish this morning thinking about my post, thank you for your comments, i guess you just need to let it out sometimes x

donotunderstand · 09/02/2012 21:30

Mummylin how's dh? Hope all went well. I so know what u mean about wanting her back even for just a day. My mum suffered terribly at the end and it's one of the most distressing experiences i have ever had. I'm hoping the morphine blocked most things for her but she was struggling to breath for days.

Reading u weren't selfish at all, letting things out is really important x

mummylin2495 · 09/02/2012 23:25

Was stressful day as when we got there this morning we learnt that dh was last on the days operating list.So of course the longer we waited the more nervous we both got. Finally had op at 3.30 and he managed to phone at 6 to say he was back in his room.he did not like the spinal at all and he had some kind of other nerve blocker or something which numbed him a lot higher up his chest than expected.Anyway in spite of being semi conscious he said it was not too bad even though he could hear things like a drill or something ! Recovery is now on the cards !