anyone is grieving for a parent

[2shoes]

I know there is an existing thread where lots of lovely people have supported each other through what is a horrid time, but as I come up to the 2nd Christmas without my dear old Dad and SM, I would like to somehow move on and I suppose help others through this as well as helping myself.
(hope that doesn't sound crap)
so a bit of background
My mum died when I was 18 after years of ill health.
so I got a SM.
we weren't close close but got on well.
she became ill and died a 1 1/2 years ago, then my darling Dad got ill.
he died 6 months(or there abouts later)
I miss him every day.
and thank the lovely Mumsnetters who have helped me through this.
but i can't post on the old thread,
it takes me right back there, so I am hopig a new thread, will get us all talking and allow new posters to join in.........

Dh doing well ,had clips out today and his first physio session at the hospital.My sister is fine but finding it hard to get babies to suckle from her.But they will take a bottle.she is expressing so its not too bad really.No we havent decided on the words yet,its so difficult. Today in clintons card shop i found a lovely card to take to my mum .Its especially for mums who are no longer with us.Its already laminated and has a lovely verse on it.maybe your sister could get something similar so she feels she can still get a mothers day card ? glad to hear she has a boyfriend ,hope he has met with your dads approval ! Thats a good idea to take the clothes so far away.It would upset me so much if i saw anyone wearing something of hers,im not sure where the clothes went ,my brother took them.I still have here the clothes she had on in hospital ,the day before she died,and her hand bag,purse ,phone etc.I will not part with any of them.

I replied to your post but it seems to have disappeared! Will write again as soon as i can, my phone is rubbish!

Hope everyone is doing Ok. I haven't been on here for a while and I haven't caught up with the thread yet either, but I just needed to say 'Happy 80th Birthday Dad. I miss you so much every single second of every day. I love you so much.xxx'

Solo,i hope you managed to get through your dads birthday ok ,i still have my mums to face in April.I know i will instantly be going back in my head to last years birthday when we would of all of been going round to take mum her gifts.She will still have a gift this year as i will take her some flowers and a birthday card.It still feels so raw and only seems like yesterday.My life will never be the same and i cant see me ever being 100 % happy again.A part of me has died forever.I am trying to get by as best that i can ,but the sadness inside just seems to be there all the time.I often hear my dh on the phone with different people and they ask how i am am he always replies " oh she is fine" when inside i am so unhappy.

Thanks mummylin I got through the day (as you must :(). I miss him more and more...there's so much only he can tell me about.
It is very early days for you and it never goes away, but it does get easier...I suppose you learn to deal with it. So sad though. Try to be positive.x

Is anyone else getting agitated thinking about mothers day ? Its almost unbearable to think for the first time my mum wont be sitting at home like a queen waiting for all her children to go round with her gifts.Mum really loved this day and i am dreading it.I have managed to get a laminated card in clintons which is especially for mums no longer here with us.It has lovely words on it.

I am sending everyone here who is grieving for their mum some strength to get through our first mothers day without them.i am feeling so sad today ,it still seems so unreal and like it happened yesterday.My mums house has now been sold too and contracts wil be exchanged on Monday with completion the following Monday.I hope i dont have to be there when the new people officially take it over,i cant bear the thought of it.My brother is the other executor so maybe he can be there.

Sorry have not been on here for a while, my DCs are asking lots and lots of questions at the moment about my parents and its rather sad. I tell them that they would have loved them very much (DCs are 9 and 7)

hello. Its a difficult topic to discuss with young children i expect,all you can do is to carry on the way you are ,always talk about them and so keep their memory alive.that way your children will learn more about them and that will then make memories for them too. Its hard enough for us adults to really accept it let alone children.Its heartbreaking isnt it.x

I am still numb and sad and in shock after losing my mum last friday to a sudden stroke in her sleep,Im so angry and confusedhow this could have happened as she was ok!! All last week she was unconsious and we were told she was never going to wake up so we just went back and forth to be with her (i guess secret piece of hope too!)

I cant stop thinking about her and missing her so much, my dad is needing to talk to me about arrangements etc coming up but I just cant bring myself to do it. :-(

t875 I am sorry i have only just seen your post.Please accept my condolences.We are all grieving for a parent on this thread and if it helps you please do join us.I am nearly six months down the line now ,although it just seems like yesterday.I still cannot believe my mum is not her and i think it will take me a long time to accept it.It is a very painful process to go through but its something we all have to do.Do you have any siblings ? i found mine a great help.May your mum RIP

t875 - sorry to hear about your mum, it must have been a massive shock.

Hi mummylin. I'm back on this thread after a long break - also lost my mum six months ago and was doing OK until I had my dad in tears on the phone yesterday. It was their wedding anniversary and for him the hardest anniversary so far. It has pulled the rug from under my feet.

Mostly I am all right, but every now and then, as you say, it feels like yesterday.

hello thefarside I dont know about you but i dot feel much different in terms of moving on from when mum died.I am still in a state of utter dis belief.I have found myself feeling so sad the past few days.I think for me its now beginning to sink in because all the things we had to do have finished and i have more time to dwell on it.Earlier today i was out with my son and he drove me past my mums house in error and i felt my stomach go into knots and tried not to look at mums house ,but i couldnt help it and was upset to see different curtains up and two different cars in the driveway.And i still keep going over the actual unexpected death and keep saying " what if *.your poor dad ,how horrid it must be for him,its like losing his other half isnt it.And on such a special day it must of been so awful for him remembering back to happier times he spent with your mum.Im sure eventually we will all learn to accept we cannot change things and we will be able to remember our mums without this awful gut wrenching sadness.I hope so. take care

sorry i havent been back here, thanks for your replies and support.
its been a hard 4/5 weeks and some days are horrendous and then others there is strenghth there, god knows where from. I still miss her like crazy and miss her physically. Hard seeing my dad go through what he is too, the loneliness and void is very hard for him and us.

It is such a hard thing to go through isnt it.I still cant believe my mum isnt here and i am further down the line than you are.I am sure we will never get used to not seeing our mums, i still want to phone her and tell her things that happen.and i still expect her car to pull up outside for her daily visit for a chat and a cuppa.My mums death was also unexpected and i dont know if this is making it harder for me to accept its happened. I have blamed everyone from paramedics to hospital staff,very unfair of me i know because they were all brilliant , then i go to the "what ifs" what if they had done something different , what if they had not given her a certain drug.I will never know the answers to all my questions and this makes me feel so sad.I am tortured by the fact my mum may of been scared or been in pain etc although the hospital said it all happened too quickly.But maybe they just said that to make us feel better ? Havin said all that i can have quite a few days where i dont feel too bad ,then of course something happens and it makes me think of my lovely mum.Thank god i have my siblings and my own family to help me through it all.

For some reason been having a really tough day today. It's over 6 years since my dm died and you mummylin have summed up exactly how I feel especially the not feeling 100% happy again. Everything is tainted by the fact I can't share it with her. She would've have been so proud of her wonderful gc who she fortunately did meet although with one only for a brief time. I still catch myself in m and s looking at clothes thinking "mum would love that, I'll have to ring her". Only one of my friends has lost a parent so I don't really have anyone to talk to as I don't really think you can begin to imagine what it is like to lose a parent.

Right then, had my whinge and my weep just need my wine! Like I said at the beginning had a tough day and think I just needed to get it all out there. Take care .

hello parno.since my mum died my sister hs given birth to twin girls.It is so sad to see them wearing the little cardigans that mum had made ready for them.Also in her knitting bag she had a nearly finished cardigan she was making for her sister [ my aunt] for xmas.Luckily it only needed sewing up so i finished it for her.When i had it in my hands it was a weird feeling knowing that the same garment had been in my mums hands.I still have so many boxes of her stuff here as i cannot bear to throw her things away.I misss her so much and i feel the tears welling up very often and this makes me so heavy hearted.I am sorry that you now even after 6 years feel the same as i do.She had a favourite little shrub thing in her garden which she loved ,she called it her snowball bush.I dug it up and i am glad to say its now in flower in my garden.I have no idea what its really called but looking at it makes me feel closer to her.BUT i still cannot accept she is not here.I dont think i will ever get over it.mum i miss and love you and i will foreverxx

Hi Parno, i know what you mean, although im only 5 weeks in, but i do get days where im ok..ish basicially not crying or feeling rock bottom. Its all very hard as they were (i still like to say are) a massive part of our family, and i guess now they are sharing everything with us as they are always there to just talk too. But I also find that very very lonely a lot, just to not hear her voice kills. :(

I had tears in the taxi today..ok he was playing sad songs so didnt help.

Get very bad days, but post here hun and we can all give eachother support and even just an ear or a ranting place.

x

I just found this thread after an outpouring on t875's thread. Maybe I should have read this first.

It's 5 years since my DM died. She too had a massive stroke (I have just gone into way too much detail on t875's thread - sorry again) and died aged just 70. I know I am lucky to have had 30 years with her as my Mum but I am struggling just now when I thought I was doing well.

Someone else said how they feel utterly alone since their DM died. I am feeling like that too and it's eating me up. I kept having recurring nightmares about a little boat on a stormy black ocean being tossed around having had it's tether cut and I know that is exaclty how I felt for a long time. Now it's like the other poster said - Mum was the first person I would call with news either good or bad. I think she was fed up of me calling her every single day. I would phone her on my lunch hour at work and if OH was working the weekend or working away I would go over to Mum and Dad's and stay in the spare room and get treated just like her little girl again. Copious cups of tea, well fed and a lovely fresh bed for the night. I would do her hair and we would go for lunch and shopping. We had only really just started to be "friends" in the years before she died after a difficult relationship when I was young/teenager.

I don't know why I am struggling so much just now. I feel I can't talk about this to any extent in RL as it does make people feel a bit awkward and it's like they expect me to be "over it" a bit more 5 years down the line.

DS1 is 4 and we were at my Dad's the other day n DS1 said "That's your Mummy?" pointing at one of the photos on the wall "Where is your Mummy though" which is the first time he's said that. He usually just goes "That's Granny" although she died before he was born. I just said that she died before he was born and he just went "oh. Ok" and accepted that as he sometimes does. Am glad he didn't ask too many questions just now.

Anyway, I just need an oulet just now so I'm not bringing everyonr down in RL as they don't really understand anyway since they thanfully all have both parents. I'm glad they don't understand tbh. It's just never going to be all right again is it?

Tamashii i am sorry that youhad to come on this sad thread along with the rest of us.I had my mum for a lot longer than you did ,but right now i am feeling like a lost young child.ou sound as though you and your mum had developed a lovely close relationship and i understand how you used to talk to her every day.I also talked with my mum most days ,she would come round for a cup of tea and often bought me round some warm scones or she had made me a fruit cake.Now i am searching through all her cookery books and the papers she wrote down desperate to find her recipe for this.Mum would make one each for my brothers and I and it was the best cake ever.Many times she told me she would give me the recipe and i used to say " i dont want it cause i dont need to make it because you do " how i wish i had it now.
I think for people who have not lost a parent they cant possibly know the devastation that it brings to your life and i think there will always be moments when we end up in tears when having a sudden memory of something they did / said or some music they liked etc.Probably what you are feeling some would clas as normal ,i dont know myself because its not ben very long for me yet.all i know is that i dont think i will ever be 100 per cent happy again without her.Take care and if it helps do come back to this thread.

Tamashii and mummylin I feel what you are going through so much it is so very hard isnt it, the void is huge and the emptiness is unbearable some days, sending you hugs, i havent been on the computer till now as been working and out all night.

Please come by and talk in these threads and on my other one i started, i have had tremendous support from the ladies here, and its helped me to off load, i have had such a wobbly last 2 days, crying at anytime, sitting at my desk and the tears are streaming down.

What i have done is where my mums picture is i have special momentos and if i see anything i think she will like i will buy it for me or my daughters but i know it will have her idea and she is in my heart always so it will be from her. I light my yankee candle which makes me feel she is close, and i also talk to her and i really do have a blooming good chat..i swear people would think im mad, but i dont care..

So very hard though, sending you hugs. And please come back to these threads for a chat, vent x

i also light candles to put by my mums picture each night.I believe candles stand for eternal life dont they ? When it was easter time i always bought my mum an easter egg so this year i took a little cream egg and left it on her grave. Some people would think this was silly ,but it made me feel better on the day.I also took her a birthday card on her birthday in April in case she could see it ! My mind refuses to believe she is not here.Its all so sad.

Yeah i feel comfort lighting the candles mummylin, i know what you mean. We were watching the football tonight and i just stood in the middle of the room and put my arms out and pretended to hug her, i felt she was there. Its some sort of comfort i guess. I still refuse she is not here, when the reality of it all hits me though its terrible and i get so upset x

I lost my Dad on mothers day this year. He was my rock and I adored him. I am finding it inconceivable that he is gone. I so desperately want to believe that he is still around in spirit.

madmomma Deepest sympathies on the loss of your dear dad.sadly we are all in the same awful situation of refusing to believe our loved ones are no longer here.The sadness sems to come when you least expect it too.It just all seems like a bad dream, then reality hits and its so overwhelming.I too would like to think that my mum is still around somewhere.I find it unbelievable that she cant see the sun or rain and that she is just no-where.
t875 before mum died although i liked looking at candles i never lit them.Now i have to because in my mind my mum will know if i havent.Which really i know is silly,but thats how my mind thinks.Next week for the first time in about 10 or 11 yrs we are going on holiday without my mum coming with us.Normally we would go with my brothers or other family members and i would share a room with her.The last holiday we came home just nine days before she died.I know when we get on the plane i will be thinking of nothing but my mum and i will find it so sad.