Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Original poster

What would YOU do in this situation?

151 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 14/11/2009 11:27

Ok so yesterday ds1 was home early from school. I had planned to take ds1 and ds2 to the indoor play. I asked ds1 to help me get things sorted out and for him to pick the 3 things off the floor that needed picking up. He said no and immediatly started shouting at me.

I ignored him but he would not let up.
This went on from 10am until 7pm last night. I did not shout at him or raise to the bait in any way other than to say "If you don't do as I ask I will take one of your toys away" which i ended up doing.

He then started screaming and shouting even louder so I took his mobile phone away. I had it in my hand and he went to grab it. Obviously being bigger than him I just stood up and he repeatedly jumped up grabbing my arm, I still never reacted - it took a lot not to I will admit.

After 25 minutes of him trying to grab his phone he went to hit me at which point I grabbed his arm and told him if he did hit me not only would I slap him I would be calling the police.

I know I was wrong to threaten to slap him, even though I did not shout it was wrong.

I took his phone and hid it because otherwise he would have kept taking it back.

When i came back in the living room he was going right into one throwing all the clothes (off washing airer) onto the floor, DS2's toys everywhere, he shoved ds2 over, and then grabbed the book ds2 had been playing with (an interactive one) and started slamming it into the ground until it broke.

DS2 kept trying to get it to work and saying "oh bwoke" he is just 2 yrs old. today he keeps looking for it.

What would you do in this situation? I am amazed at myself that I kept a cool calm head yesterday, but today he wants to be my best friend and he seems to have forgotten what happened yesterday. He is 11 BTW. Has no SN, has been seeing a child psychologist for the last 5 months who now agrees that to DS1 this is a game. He has spoken to him in great length and DS1 is so brazen with his statements of "I know what I am doing and can stop but I don't want to I am not bored with this yet".

TBH I know I haveposted on here numerous times about his behaviour and it has appeared I have not listened to advice but I have taken all on board, tried all the different methods suggested, and taken away from the threads that sometimes I over react. Yesterday I did not I really kept a calm head.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
biggirlsdontcry · 15/11/2009 16:36

wow colditz the next time my ds steps out of line can i refer him to you
TLE - it does sound like he is walking all over you , you need to put him in his place if he ever tries to hit you again , he must never be allowed to get away with that behaviour , as colditz says your dp having a word with him in a very serious tone might make him realise how out of order he is , thats exactly what my dh said to my ds when he threatened to punch me last year , " how dare you , dont you ever raise your hand to any woman especially your mum etc" ds was in tears after dh finished with him , but it worked ... he has never raised his hand to me since .

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 17:54

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am far from happy he took his laptop last night when i was in bed and asleep.

OP posts:
Earlybird · 15/11/2009 18:01

Where was the laptop when he took it?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 18:05

in my bedroom, in the top cupboard of my wardrobe, but I didn't hear him.

TBH its what he did that I have got the hump about not so much that he took the frigging thing.

I am going to pour myself a LARGE glass of wine and try to calm down

OP posts:
PrincessToadstool · 15/11/2009 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Booyhoo · 15/11/2009 18:08

have you had the chat? either with dp or ds?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 18:10

PTS, I have read them all up until my posting to say I would be back later.

The only reason we went out today is because DP is working 6 days a week and so we only have 1 day we can go out. Trust me DS1 hated it, because we stuck to the parts that were enjoyable for ds2 and for us. and ds1 was bored senseless.

The Laptop is going into the safe for a few days until I get it to my sisters on Wednesday.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 18:15

Booyhoo, we had a chat yesterday evening and again while we were out today, he understood what we were saying and agreed with everything.

But when we got back and I went to get his laptop so he could do the research he needed, i found it was not where i left it. I then went in his room and eventually found it hidden in a suitcase. SOmething made me look at the history and that is why now I am on here instead of locking him in the cellar

ok i wouldn't really!

OP posts:
LIZS · 15/11/2009 18:18

But isn't that almost worse , going somewhere where he know there is stuff for him to enjoy but avoiding it. He will resent it and play up. Would n't something purely focussed on ds2 have sent a better signal or even a one to one with dp first to lay it on the line.

TheFallenMadonna · 15/11/2009 18:21

This psychologist. Where's he from? Is it a CAMHS thing?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 18:26

LIZS
He has in the past had many one to one chats with DP and promises to try his best to behave etc.
Mind you you are probably right we should have not done what we did today but he has behaved since and whilst we were out. Its what he did last night that I only found out about when we got in this afternoon.

TFM It is one we were referred to by the GP he is from the local hospital.

OP posts:
RnB · 15/11/2009 18:31

Poor you

I'm not sure how I would punish this behaviour but you have been given a lot of good advise on this thread. what I would say ( and this really helps with my ds1, ASD) is to remember to praise any good behaviour. No matter how small.

BloodRedTulips · 15/11/2009 18:32

get him one of those baby phones that only have 5 locked in numbers that can be dialled, he no longer has the right to a real mobile.

sell the laptop and use the money on ds2 as and apology for the way ds1 has treated him.

every time he steps out of line you sell another possesion.

ground him, and confine him to his room for everything except meals and school. stepping outside his room results in another sold item

tell him that the next time he throws a tantrum you'll tape it and put it on his facebook/bebo so all his friends will see... follow through if he dares

this has gone on more than long enough.... if you allow this to continue you'll be lucky if he survives til adulthood because the survival rate for off the rail teens isn't great... he'll go out when he pleases, drink and take drugs, and considering his current behaviour odds are he'll turn to criminal activities... after all, if he can get what he wants at home why not in the wider world? that sense of entitlement will get alot worse

if he hits you and ds2 can you imagine how he'll treat any women in his life... i'm sure it'll be their fault too the way he spins it.

stop taking half measures and stop relying on others to help you fix it.

TheFallenMadonna · 15/11/2009 18:35

And what's his take on all this?

And how is he at school?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 18:35

RnB after taking much advice from the wonderful people on here a long time ago, I always praise his good behaviour. I also do my damndest to focus on this rather than the bad. Unfortunatly in the space of a week there will be more bad incidents than good.

But I am trundling along with the praise, as I hope it will eventually get through.

OP posts:
Defluffmyfanjo · 15/11/2009 18:45

I don't understand your point about the history on the laptop, what had he been looking at?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 19:24

BRT If I had bought his laptop I would sell it but i didn't my brother did. His pocket money this week has bought ds2 the exact same book.

I have following the advice of you all told him the next time he kicks off the video I have on my laptop will be posted on his facebook. He immediatly begged me not to do that.

TFM When he first started coming to our home he was of the belief that ds1 has a hard deal within the home because he is a very cunning child. However after my mum and sister, and dp all spoke to him he understood more what I was saying. He then saw the video of ds1 and saw exactly what I was saying.
At school he is a star pupil, in the top sets for everything working hard etc, and after a hiccup in secondary, and having to be moved because of bullying he is already settled into a new school and doing well. he got 6 credits last week in 4 days.

Defluff what shouldn't 11 yr old boys be looking at??

OP posts:
PrincessToadstool · 15/11/2009 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 19:42

PTS The laptop was bought for him by my brother for his xmas pressie last year as he was due to start secondary. It is helpful for him to have it but now it is only going to be used in the room with us.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 15/11/2009 19:43

TLE unless you address the way YOU handle him this will go on and on and on and on...bit like it already has done really.

All your posts are about dealing with him/putting up with him, they all allude to self congratulation at your supreme patience and not one that I've seen has had the tone of 'what must I change about my parenting in order to fix this?'

If I felt like a big fuck off pain in your backside I think I might act the same as your DS so long as I had to live with you. He is here because you wanted him and probably feels like now you don't and the POOR boy only has this unwanted feeling to live up to.

Beyond this

PrincessToadstool · 15/11/2009 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloodRedTulips · 15/11/2009 19:53

hobgoblin has hit the nail on the head with that last post i think

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 19:57

Hobbhoglin, He knows he is wanted I have never shown him any differently.

I did say earlier in this thread that I did not know how to change as I have always given in to him in one way or another.

My posts are what has happened not just about me, I have said many times I know this behaviour is Partly my fault but it is also the fault of others involved in his life.

he really is not a POOR boy as you put it, I wish you could see just how hard I do try with him. I am always rying to spend time with him but when i do make arrangements/plans he will do something to prevent them going ahead. I make arangements to go out with him he refuses to go...I cannot physically drag him out.

I KNow I have to change the things I do but I cannot make him forgive me for his father leaving which is what he has said time and again causes him to be so angry towards me. He has his fathers phone number and email. he also has his address and has tried to contact him many times. no reply to me means no interest but to ds1 it means something else to be angry at me about.

Add message | Report | Contact poster By TheLadyEvenstar Sat 14-Nov-09 20:59:45
I am going to admit something now...

I don't know how to make him realise I am the parent, he has always had an opinion and when I was on my own with him he had me wrapped round his finger......

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 15/11/2009 20:06

PTS

here is where i was told to record him

Add message | Report | Contact poster By BloodRedTulips Sun 15-Nov-09 18:32:54

tell him that the next time he throws a tantrum you'll tape it and put it on his facebook/bebo so all his friends will see... follow through if he dares

Yes I read Colditz post and I thought I had replied.

However, It appears I haven't but to make a point. I will be following the advice colditz has given.

I won't take the laptop away when he needs it for school work but i am making sure he only uses it for this purpose alone and in front of his dad and I so we know exactly when he has finished and it can be taken away again. His phone is going to be given to him as he walks out the door and taken off of him as he walks in.

TBH the child psych is coming tomorrow whilst ds1 is at school for us to talk and having looked back on this and the previous threads where i have explained his methods etc I am going to have to tell him I cannot see what he is actually doing for us and ask him not to bother coming back.

I have not been selective, i have replied to the posts and did not deliberatly miss Colditz out.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 15/11/2009 20:29

Don't tell the psych that. Tell him what you have told us - detail your son's behaviour and your responses to it. Completely honestly and factually and with no comments or justification. Your son needs help, and so do you. Tell him. And ask him to help you come up with strategies to manage and change ds's behaviour.