I thought things would be easier by now but they just seem to be getting worse, and I'm starting to feel desperate

[bean612]

My DD is 11 weeks old and such an unhappy baby. We had a really rocky start (29-hour labour ending in an emergency C-section, horrible problems with breastfeeding, hospital admission (her) at 10 days with a (luckily non-serious) skin infection) and I can't help feeling that's affected her. She cries so much, day and evening, often screaming until she's hysterical. The first few weeks were hideous but between about weeks 6 and 9 life started to regain some sort of shape and I felt like I was coping. But now she seems to be even unhappier, and my feelings of desperation from the early weeks are coming back.

I feel like I spend all my time either dealing with her crying, or anticipating it and trying to think of ways to soothe her. I used to dread the evenings (colicky type crying fits) but felt reasonably positive in the mornings, but now I wake up dreading the day ahead. DH has been fantastic, taking turns to get up with her in the night, so that we both get a good night's sleep every other night, but now I find that even when it's my night off I can't sleep properly - I'm horribly anxious and wake up with my heart pounding. It's getting to DH, too - he has ended up in tears twice in the last 10 days or so, trying to deal with an inconsolable, hysterical baby.

Everyone says it gets better at 12 weeks/3 months but I just can't bring myself to believe it and I think fear of getting there in 6 days' time and it not happening is making me feel even worse. We have tried colic drops, infant gaviscon, a (very expensive) swing, cranial osteopathy, all in a bid to find out what's 'wrong' with her and 'fix' it, but nothing helps. I'm at my wit's end. I know no one can offer a magic solution, but please tell me it's not always going to be this awful...

Do you get out of the house during the day? Can you pop her in the pram and take her for a walk, get some fresh air.

I don't know if you can "fix" whatever is making her unhappy, and it is obviously stressing you to try. Perhaps you should just concentrate on making things easier for yourself.

Not that I am saying that you should not look out for something that will make her more comfortable but some babies just cry more than others, I am sure there will be more experienced MNetters with advice on crying babies.

I know that the first months are often hard, but you will come through it.

Was there any change after the cranial osteopathy? Maybe another practitioner?

Have you tried swaddling? that can help some babies.

Poor you - it sounds very stressful.

Sounds horrible for you, hope things get better soon.
Just a thought, if she is crying really badly it may be worth a trip to the doctor's, just to rule out any infection or similar that could be causing her pain? Also if you have a good HV she may be able to give you some advice or provide support.

I think there is also some sort of helpline to get support with constant crying, but can't remember the name - something like Cry-sis I think, maybe someone else will have the details?

Finally one other thing you could try if you aren't already is using a sling, babies that are carried lots allegedly cry less so it might just help.

Hope some of this works, & remember we're here for you and that it WILL pass, even if maybe not exactly on the 12-week mark!

Oh you poor thing! DD went through a crying stage at 6 - 10 weeks. It was awful. The only thing that got me through it was popping her in a sling and going for lots of walks. I'm not sure if it helped directly but it certainly made me feel better. Sometimes, it just feels better if you're doing something.

I can second swaddling it worked treat with my DS, but with DD she hated it. As soon as I put her to sleep on her front we had a happy baby. It's contraversal and I'm not telling you to try this, but it might be worth a try.
It will get better, honestly it will x

I did try Crysis a couple of weeks ago but they were a bit rubbish unfortunately - they asked a few very obvious questions and once I'd answered them they didn't really have any more to say. That's probably really unfair since I know they can't be expected to work miracles, but it's just that the woman who answered sounded more like a call centre worker with a set list of responses than someone who could offer any kind of counselling.

The sling - yes, I use it a lot and it usually sends her straight to sleep, which is good, but I'm wary of using it all the time as I know I can't deal with her crying by just making her sleep all the time.

Swaddling - we swaddle her every night as that's the only way she'll sleep in her moses basket, so I'm reluctant to do it during the day in case it confuses her and messes up bedtime (which, although her sleeping patterns are wildly erratic, is one of the few times she does actually calm down).

The cranial osteopath - yes, perhaps it's worth trying a different one, I had been thinking that myself lately. I wonder if anyone can recommend one in south London...?

Oh that sounds so familiar. I really thought I was going mad at your stage. The only thing I can say is maybe stop trying to fix it. Sounds like you've tried most things, so if doctors think she's physically okay and thriving then accept it. Some babies really are just like that - doesn't mean they won't be calm, happy kids. My birth was long and hard too, and my son had colic and a gruesome first few months, but now he's very chilled, sunny and a complete delight. Only advice I can give really is to say try and stay calm, accept it's not your fault and that also that this is horrendously hard for all of you. Cuddle your daughter lots and hold her as much as she needs to be held. Get lots of cuddles for you and DH too. Have treats galore and indulge yourselves. This will pass and you will cope. There's lots on here who've been through it and we may have a few more grey hairs, but we're testimony to there being a way to the other side. Big hugs to all of you from survivors over here xx

should have said, but at about 10 weeks, we were so fed up that we chucked us, plus baby into the car and went to France with a two man tent. Didn't need much for him as I was breast feeding. Strangely it was completely brilliant to be away from doctors, the internet and 'How to soothe your baby' books and just to be simple. Had a very soothing effect on our son too. I will never forget the relief of him lying with us curled up in the tent in a rain storm and delighting in the rain noises and the light changes.

You are not alone, if it helps?
We are going through the same with dd now 12 weeks. Today I have been bfing since 7am. every time i stop she cries and cries and i am totally worn down from lack of sleep. She feeds at night for an hur at a time then sleeps for about an hour before waking and is inconsoleable. She doesn't nap in the day and gets totally stressed out about bed time.
I keep telling myself it will be ok, but am also worried my baby is sad and anxious
Hugs from me. Let's get through it together!
x

Don't hold 12 weeks in your mind as a magical date. It does get better, but not all at once and not always in a way that you notice at the time.

I really doubt that you will get to next week and suddenly find that everything is OK. However, you will get to the end of the next few months and find that things are getting better and you are more able to cope.

Second the advice about talking to the GP/HV if she really is crying all of the time just to make sure that there is no underlying cause.

Oh pookamoo, poor you, it sounds even worse. I really feel for you. Mine does at least sleep better than that (at the moment. I have learnt to say "at the moment" about everything concerning DD, since nothing is a constant with her except the crying )

It's just so hard. I seem to be teary all the time again, and I really thought I'd left those days behind. I know it would be easier if I could just be more accepting, and I am really trying, but it's a struggle. Smee - maybe a break would help, thank you for the suggestion. Only trouble is we don't have the cash to go abroad, and Britain in February... But I will put it to DH...

pookamoo, have you thought of using a dummy? You might be already and I know lots are against. Actually so was I until I was in the middle of what you're going through. In my case everyone from my mum to the HV said give DS a dummy as he'd associated comfort with breast and that wasn't good for either of us. HV and doctor both thought in my case that breastfeeding on demand was counter productive as he was so obviously in digestive pain, so constant feeding wasn't a great idea. Have to say, the dummy did help. It was far from an instant fix, but he didn't need me to bf as much, so I got a bit more rest which helped to keep me going.

Oh goodness, brings back memories It is so so hard going through this, and yet so many of us have babies like this. For me it was a question of get out the house during the day, am and then again pm. Being out seemed to soothe DS anyway, but also crying just doesnt seem quite so loud outdoors. It is at least a bit brighter out at the mo so make the most of it. If your DD has been checked out and is basically well then its probably a matter of gritting your teeth, supporting each other as much as possible (sounds like you are) and waiting for it to pass. Get earplugs so the off duty one really doesnt need to listen. Colicy stuff does seem to magically ease for many babies at 12 ish weeks. And she will be more alert soon so possibly easier to entertain etc.

But if she hasn't had a thorough check over, it is defintitley worth doing, and picking what doctor does it too. (need a 'fed up of being dismissed as neurotic by male doctor' emoticon!)

Fingers crossed for you she improves soon.

See what you mean bean, we were in same situation in July, so the timing was far better. If you do get away don't go somewhere where you'll be stressed if your lo cries - eg a hotel. We camped in a field with only cows for company, so it didn't matter how much our lo screamed. Whatever you do, don't add to your stress x

bean
I would not worry about "spoiling" her or confusing her by using the sling. If that helps then do it.

Do you get out of the house?

bean - poor you, it does get better honestly - or you get better dealing with it.

Have you tried some white noise during the day to get your dd to nap at the same time everyday?

I found that a routine helped with my very grumpy ds - or it helped me to deal with my very grumpy ds.

Some days I had to break it down to half hour sections to get through it but when he started napping for a couple of hours over lunch it did get better. Its a good thing to aim for as well because once they do that then you can look forward to it all morning and be recharged after it ready for the afternoon.

Would also second getting out of the house every morning as well.

Gosh, I feel for you.

I just wanted to say that whilst it is really, really hard going with a fretful newborn, sometimes there's nothing wrong per se, and you do just have to grit your teeth and struggle on.

getting any sort of break really helped me. even just 30mins reading the paper in another room whilst a friend held her for a bit helped calm me down. I agree that long walks help. this probably sounds terrible, but I sometimes used to wheel DD around the park whilst wearing my ipod, so that her cries were muffled a bit.

My DD was very much like yours, and without wishing to horrify you she did not magically cheer up at 12 weeks. She became a bit easier at 6mo, a bit easier again by 12mo, and since 18mo has been a real dream. DD just seems to enjoy being a toddler more than she enjoyed being a baby, and at 2 has far fewer tantrums and tricky moments than most of her peers.

Ah, MmeLindt, it's swaddling I was worried about confusing her with - I want her to keep associating it with bedtime. I use the sling a lot and it does help. I do also get out of the house but get anxious when pushing screaming baby down the road as I get lots of odd looks...

Oh and bean - put her down for a nap - or in the sling, or in the buggy (whichever way you get her to nap) every two hours - they need much more sleep than I realised with my ds.

Lots of sympathy bean. It will get better but that magical 12 week thing doesn't really happen - well it didn't for me. My dd cried a lot and as well as needing more sleep napwise than I ever imagined she also 'cluster fed' all afternoon and my midwife suggested I went with it and feed on demand- and it really helped. Also cutting out organge juice from my diet bizarrely helped as she was reacting to my breastmilk (she has gone on to be pretty allergic but also very happy child- I never would have believed it.

Sometimes the odd looks are just people remembering their own first weeks with their babies and sympathising with you. Just ignore the rest of them.

How long does she sleep during the day? My DD was still sleeping a lot at that age. If she settles when you cuddle her and sleeps then I would do that. Maybe she just needs a lot of sleep.

THANK YOU all for your sympathy and kind words. It really helps. Mumsnet is such a lifeline sometimes, especially when all the mothers you see in the street/the park/the cafes seem to have angelic, calm, happy babies. Sometimes it feels as though yours is the only demanding, unhappy one. And then I feel guilty about posting about her and "complaining" because she's beautiful and I love her. But in a way that just makes it harder.

About the sleeping/naps thing - I think I'm getting better at working out when she's crying because she's tired, though sometimes I'm too late and she's already got herself too worked up to go to sleep. But how much should an 11-week-old be sleeping/napping during the day? Does anyone know?? Maybe I'm not letting her sleep enough and that's exacerbating the problem? Katestacks says every 2 hours (thanks, katestacks). Does that sound about right?

The only way I managed to soothe DS1 at night was by bringing him in bed with me - he would scream in his crib but as soon as I brought him in bed with ne he would snuggle down and go to sleep. I know that people advise against co-sleeping but provided you follow all the recommendations and are very careful it might help in the short term. Just a suggestion - I realise it may not work for your baby.

oh gosh i remember this all too well. turns out dd had a dairy allergy odd bouts of eczema was the only external symptom and that wasn't a bad flare up, just dry patches. Someone (i think it was a neighbour) recommended I change her formula to see if that helped. I put her onto soya formula and literally overnight she became happy!! i put her bck onto milk formula after a week to see if that were the problem or if it were just coincidence. It all came back again, the screaming, crying, trying to soothe etc.

soya is not recommended for long term use though so i took her straight to doctors and got prescription formula.

perhaps its worth a try? or if you're breastfeeding, cutting out dairy from your diet, it takes a few days to leave your system though so its not a quick fix...

It might not work, but i will thank my neighbour forever as i was close to breaking point, and dd was only 5 weeks old, I have no idea how you've managed so long

dd is now 18 months and has grown out of her dairy allergy completely.

Hope you find something that works for you.

Thanks MadMazza. Actually she isn't too bad at night (small mercies) - she often doesn't sleep very well but when she wakes she is generally calm once she's been fed and/or cuddled for a bit. It's the daytime and evenings that are a problem. I did try cosleeping in the beginning but found I couldn't get any sleep myself - too conscious of her next to me. Luckily she does go to sleep in her moses basket (even if she doesn't stay asleep!)