I thought things would be easier by now but they just seem to be getting worse, and I'm starting to feel desperate

[bean612]

My DD is 11 weeks old and such an unhappy baby. We had a really rocky start (29-hour labour ending in an emergency C-section, horrible problems with breastfeeding, hospital admission (her) at 10 days with a (luckily non-serious) skin infection) and I can't help feeling that's affected her. She cries so much, day and evening, often screaming until she's hysterical. The first few weeks were hideous but between about weeks 6 and 9 life started to regain some sort of shape and I felt like I was coping. But now she seems to be even unhappier, and my feelings of desperation from the early weeks are coming back.

I feel like I spend all my time either dealing with her crying, or anticipating it and trying to think of ways to soothe her. I used to dread the evenings (colicky type crying fits) but felt reasonably positive in the mornings, but now I wake up dreading the day ahead. DH has been fantastic, taking turns to get up with her in the night, so that we both get a good night's sleep every other night, but now I find that even when it's my night off I can't sleep properly - I'm horribly anxious and wake up with my heart pounding. It's getting to DH, too - he has ended up in tears twice in the last 10 days or so, trying to deal with an inconsolable, hysterical baby.

Everyone says it gets better at 12 weeks/3 months but I just can't bring myself to believe it and I think fear of getting there in 6 days' time and it not happening is making me feel even worse. We have tried colic drops, infant gaviscon, a (very expensive) swing, cranial osteopathy, all in a bid to find out what's 'wrong' with her and 'fix' it, but nothing helps. I'm at my wit's end. I know no one can offer a magic solution, but please tell me it's not always going to be this awful...

pook, re the ff feeding thing, I'd say if you definitely don't want to do it then you should try to avoid it if at all possible, not because I'm judgemental about or anti-ff (as you'll see in a minute), but because if you do end up doing it then you need to be able to tell yourself you tried everything you could to keep exclusively bf when that's what you wanted. I started off exclusively bf and after a lot of trauma - and lots of help, support and advice from my HV, GP, and two different breastfeeding counsellors - I'm now mix-feeding. I've made peace with that decision, but wanted to be sure I could do that before going ahead with it.

Hi Bean,
Just wanted to add that DS (9 months) tends to be very grumpy in the mornings if he wakes up too soon. Sometimes he just has a cuddle or even a little feed and will then sleep for another hour or so. It seemed mad to me at first and I'd try to wake him up properly and get on with the day - but I've learnt from bitter experience that I'm better off letting him have another sleep instead.

I think he just needs a lie in some days .

Good luck

Wow Bean 7 hours!
We seemed to have a bit of a breakthrough last night, and the swaddling is amazing. Will be doing it properly for her nap rather than just wrapping her up iyswim.
She went back to sleep about 6.45 after that feed until 9am. Both feeling quite well rested this morning!

This is a very interesting article - it talks about stress levels (which I don't agree with giantkatestacks - I do believe that your stress levels affect the quality of milk, and even if all the good nutrients do end up in the milk, if you're hot healthy and getting enough nutrients then long term it isn't going to work anyway). It also talks about diet and how that affects the baby and certain foods might make her more uncomfortable or windy.

[http://macrobiotics.co.uk/familyhealth/breastfeeding.htm]

macrobiotics.co.uk/familyhealth/breastfeeding.htm

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't advise anyone to take bf advice from a 'massage therapist and Feng Shui consultant.'

This woman might mean well, but in talking about stress 'drying up' the milk or making it acidic, and having to 'toughen up' the nipples, she is propogating (?) the very myths which so often undermine bf and make people feel it's impossible.

I'm not advising anyne to do anything other than consult a qualified bf counsellor and neither should anyone else.

bean - I've only skimmed the thread for your posts, so I don't know whether this has been suggested already or not, but she sounds a lot like my dd was, and her irritability turned out to be a symptom of being milk intolerant, but it took us until nearly 16 weeks to realise this. There's no 'test' that can categorically confirm an intolerance, so you'd need to exclude dairy totally from her diet for 2 weeks to see if it made a difference. She will be getting dairy passed through your bm as well as in the formula, so you'd need to totally exclude dairy from your own diet, and switch her formula feeds to a hypoallergenic one. You can buy Nutramigen (it's more £ than normal formula) from a pharmacy to test this, but then get it on prescription if it does turn out to be the problem.

If swaddling gets her to sleep then swaddle her. Let it be associated with sleeping in general, not just night time.

I know it's not recommended (though at 3 months they can generally roll from the position anyway) but we had issues with DD waking every 10 minutes or so and we put her on her front. it stops the arm startling waking them and she slept for much longer then.

I knew this would happen - no-one dare suggest that bfing isn't right for everyone without someone stomping all over them on this site, it makes me really angry. If a woman is struggling, getting no sleep, feeling upset with her baby and frustrated, has had major surgery (CS) and is feeling like she can't cope, what is wrong with something to help her? Why are you propogating the guilt? One of the first things a BF consultant will say will be the importance of relaxation when feeding but when you haven't slept properly for weeks and the baby is screaming that is easier said than done. I'm not anti bf, if I can have another child I will certainly give it my all again and pray that this time will be more successful, but putting pressure on mums to bf exclusively when it isn't working is just adding to their stress.

Devongirl - I know what you mean about getting 'stomped on' but, equally, it can feel that if people say 'it's not true that fatigue/stress affect milk supply' (because that is what the proper research says) then people who didn't exclusively breastfed feel got at, and criticised.

People really really aren't criticising you but they are posting the facts, rather than personal experience/anecdote for the benefit of those who havn't yet begun mix feeding. There is nothing wrong with mix feeding but doing it because you believe fatigue/stress is making your milk sub-par is the wrong reason, because it isn't the case.

I don't think there was pressure Devongirl, I said myself that I was feeling a bit down about the ff, and in fact having tried it last night (we can say we tried) she hated it.

Bean mix feeds anyway so she has the best of both worlds

But something I had forgotten to mention was that we were using nipple shields. Went without last night, and added to the swaddling, we got extra sleep, and in fact she is napping now and has been since 11.25!
I fed on one side without the shield, she got lots of milk, very fast, then got a bit fussy, so gave her the shield on the other side, she dropped off to sleep (I guess the familiarity relaxed her) and has been snoozing, swaddled, in the middle of our bed ever since.
I think dd's problem is not the feeding itself, it's having a nice full tummy and then relaxing enough to drop off to sleep and stay asleep.

Pookamoo that's great if she prefers bf, I guess I am reflecting my own anxieties onto your situation because I felt an awful lot of pressure to continue bf when it wasn't working, so I read this into your situation, but if you don't need to then that's great. I suppose I'm just touchy!

I think you're right, it's all about the relaxing part for your dd, and waking up when she's ready because she's had enough sleep.

Charitygirl - I suppose my posts are more anecdotal and I do accept that and apologise for getting arsey (but just a bit of me still feels that mums who have been there maybe know more about the emotional side of it than scientists who haven't and can only see the facts. All I know was that having a screaming baby reject my breast constantly did me no good and I don't think he particularly enjoyed it either so in our situation we just couldn't carry on like that. I think I'm going off topic tho so I'll stop banging on about it now! x

I really feel for you pook and bean, your DD's sound exactly like mine was when she was tiny. I had the long induced labour, cs, jaundice, problems breastfeeding and colic, which resulted in me suffering PND.

The first thing I would say is look after yourself. If you can arrange or get offered any help at all by friends/grandparents, grab it with both hands - it's hard enough looking after a chilled out new baby more or less single handed (if partners are at work all day), let alone a 'challenging' one!

If you use formula - try the organic stuff. It didn't make a huge difference to my DD in the long term, but I could smell and taste the difference myself which was enough to convince me it was a better option. I'm with Devon about the anti-bottle feeding thing. I'd have loved to BF my DD after the crappy birth experience we had, but she was having none of it, so I had no choice but to switch to bottles, and have never completely gotten over it.

Another unpopular thing that I'll probably get flamed for, although someone else has already touched on it - solids. My DD never took a full feed. I started her on a tiny bit of baby rice and sugar free rusk (with formula) at about 14 weeks and it really was the beginning of a huge improvement. I am convinced that she was hungry but that having to consume vast quantities of milk to sate that hunger gave her the colicky tummy.

Above all, try and really enjoy and commit to memory the 'golden moments' your baby does have, even if they are few and far between. I spent so much time stressing and putting pressure on myself, that all I can really remember of DD's first few months is the negative stuff, and that breaks my heart now, especially as she is and will remain our only one.

Best of luck to you both.

Hi. I could have written your post word for word three years ago when my Ds was born (even down to the 'expensive' swing purchase)
I would be in tears daily and would be very upset that my baby looked so sad all the time.
At the 'magic' 12 weeks when nothing had improved I went down the routine route and my son was a different child within days!
It is lovely when some mothers/babies can be so relaxed about routine and just go with the flow, but I honestly believe that some babies just aren't able to cope like that and need direction.
I used The Baby Whisperer but adjusted some things to suit us better. I was fairly rigid at first but my Ds thrived on it and it made for a much happier home life. I've since had Dd, and although I am a much more relaxed second time mum, I started the routine pretty quickly and she is so very easy now!
I really hope things are improving with you after all the great advice you are getting here. You are doing a great job.

Devongirl - please dont feel like anyone is having a go at you - I only posted in that tone because it seemed to me to be clear that Pook didnt want to mix feed and therefore to avoid that she may need other advice.

And scientifically and anecdotally I can say that neither stress nor nutrition really affect milk supply - women have fed in all sorts of situations and after very traumatic experiences.

Womblingfree - am totally against weaning before 6 months. Am sure you know the reasons why and am not going to go into it here.

Just wading on in as someone who also spawned a screaming dervish (for the first few months anyway!)

You have doubtless already had oodles of great, great advice on this thread. I got loads when I was where you are just over a year ago. If you do an advanced search for "overtired" and put ChubbyScotsBurd in the username field you will find some good threads on this sort of thing. I also found the experiences of a fellow poster, Tipex, really reassuring - she even went on to have another child IIRC, brave woman!

A few important things - people will tell you this "it gets better at x weeks/x months" etc. Ignore them, it will get better when it gets better. We were driven to despair as these landmarks came and went and the misery continued!

Bear in mind when receiving advice from family/friends/health visitors etc that they probably have no idea what your baby is like, really. Most people don't have babies who get wildly overtired and don't know when and how to just go to sleep. If only I had known this when my HV was trying to get me to do gradual withdrawal with DS at 10 weeks old or something - I couldn't even put him down once he was asleep so how I was supposed to manage this from awake I have no idea!

Much as you feel anxious, panicky, distressed, frightened and desperate about it, in a year you will hardly be able to remember how bad it was. DP and I often reminisce and agree that although we know it was really, truly, nightmarishly awful and one of the most miserable times of our lives, we can't really remember exactly how bad it was. No comfort to you now, I know, but please hang on to the fact that you will soon have a divine little toddling person, wreaking havoc and bringing you happiness every single day. It is immensely, indescribably easier when they have a little understanding and a little independence.

Vital things are the sling, lots of rhythmic patting if it seems to help, fresh air for you all and a willingness to do whatever works - if that means swaddling/walking/rocking or whatever, who cares - just do it. We did all the rod-for-our-own-back stuff and DS developed the ability to fall asleep unaided all by himself. It took a long time but it was worth it because every time he falls asleep now we appreciate it so much - and he's 19 months now!

Gianthaystacks, I think it might have been me who upset Devongirl by questioning the provenance of her 'evidence' about stress and nutrition - I pointed out that the source was a 'qualified masseur and Feng Shui consultant.'

I do apologise for any upset, but my reasons were the same as GH's.

Pook's desire to continue bf took precedence over tact and diplomacy in my eyes, and this advice was inappropriate and unhelpful (that of said masseur, I mean.)

Fair enough Nontoxic - I'll blame you then totally agree though...

Sorry - just realised I called you Gianthaystacks!

thats ok [strokes beard]