Least plausible lies your dcs have told

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

DD (3) 'No I haven't had an accident - it was DS, he did a wee on my bottom.'

My daughter once told her childminder that she didn't have a winter coat "because some rats came in the cupboard and chewed it up to make a nest". Apparently she was very convincing.

For the record:

1. She has got a winter coat, it was just a warm morning when we got her dressed and she went in her fleece instead

1. The coat has never been chewed by any sort of rodent

1. We have never, ever, ever had rats in the cupboard (or anywhere else in the house)

Me: what did you have for dinner at school? (he has hot dinners)
DS: We all had sandwiches and crisps
Me: Why - did they have a powercut?
DS: No, a big asteroid smashed through the roof of the canteen and set it on fire

It was a normal hot dinner....

Me: what was dinner today?
DS: Stewed willies and poo
Me: You can have the same for tea.

DS1 came dashing into my bedroom panicking and hyperventilating. Apparently he had a piece of paper stuck up his left nostril and said he couldn't breathe. (He is nearly 7 by the way!)

Me: What on earth did you shove a piece of paper up your nose?
DS1: I didn't, it wasn't me.
Me: Who was it then?
DS1: I don't know, it just happened!

He was absolutely adamant he didn't shove it up there himself!

So, I despatched him to my make-up bag to fetch my tweezers and he promptly returned with the baby's nail clippers! Eventually he managed to get the tweezers and I had to remove the offending item! Unfortunately he had pushed it right up so I almost couldn't reach it! It was huge as well and all neatly folded up!

After a long chat about why we don't put things in noses or ears etc he finally admitted he had pushed up there himself but couldn't explain why. (Although really, what posible reason could there be?) I cannot believe it was my almost 7 year old that did this - isn't it much more 3 year old or toddler behaviour?

DS is aged 3

Why are all the books on the floor?
It was a giant snowball

Why has the train track been broken up?
We've got moles

I can't come downstairs its too windy

Very hands on mother at dd's school complaining to the teacher because her son has told her he is given ice cream for pudding EVERY DAY!

Ok i confess. When I was about 5, I ripped my school coat one playtime and didn't realise the damage until the next morning when mum gasped at the ripped lining. I came up with a humungus lie and said a boy in Mrs x's class had done it.

To my eternal shame, mum complained to the school and I was taken to Mrs x's class and stood in front of all the children, and was asked to identify the boy who had done it.

I said i could not see the boy concerned. My mother still does not know about this very large lie.....

Boys bedroom complete disaster area. "Clear up this mess at once, it's a disgrace"." It wasn't us mum it was X* before he went home."

*X being angel child from school who never does anything wrong and is unfailingly polite and tidy.

and yes rumdoodle we have a lot of adverse weather conditions in our house as well:

Can't eat mashed potato because it is snowing (oh no it isn't)

Am not going to school today because of the volcano getting fire out

can't go to bed because my bed is too scary and windy

DD1 to polite gathering of my work colleagues:

Boss: 'Hello DD1, last time I saw you, you were in your mummy's tummy.'

DD1:'yes, and a peep-O'd out of mummy's fuffy and said 'hello!'

Me:

The Tooth Fairy hasn't been Mum. I've checked.

DD2 (3) told a visitng police officer at pre-school that her daddy kicks her arse if she is naughty

DD1 told us when she was also 3 that she wouldn't be going back to playschool as the teacher had put her in a cage and hit her with sticks

DD3 (16m) is the most common scapegoat in our household, closely followed by our staffy Ruby who "tells" dd2 to do naughty things

stewed willies and POO!! hilarious!!! have been sat here snorting and giggling nearly in tears reading all this!

DD (5.6 at the time) and her 8yo friend once came running to tell us they had found a scorpion in a drystone wall in the woods.

They actually had us all going for a bit.

Until DD said they all had 'big cheesey grins like this' [ting]

DS2 sent his rugby kit home with his friend because his friend's mum doesn't have much to do.

SHL - rofl, i would loved to have been at that gathering...

When DD was at day nursery aged about 3 she came home 1 day with her new jeans in a carrier bag covered in mud.

When I asked her what happened, she told that me that Viv (her keyworker) had left the nursery gate open when they were playing outside and the binmen came in and pushed her into the mud

at 18(!!!!!)i left a note for my mum and dad saying that a burglar had burst into the house, held a gun to my head and demanded that i take the £20 of the side then take him into town!!!!! so i guess some kids never grow out of it!

Me "Who has scribbled all over this door with marker pen?"
Dd2 "Not me."
Me "Well, who was it then?"
Dd2 "Maybe a ghost. Perhaps a clown."

when i was about 9 i broke a black and white tv but blamed my sister (aged 3 at the time).

last year, my mum, sister and I were all reminiscing and mum said how sad she'd been when the tv was broken because it had been a wedding present. I came clean and confessed but my sister said i was just trying to make her feel better and that she remembers doing it! Erm no, she remembers me telling her she did it! She still thinks she did it

I'm still not sure why anyone believed me, the television was on a high cupboard that my sister couldn't reach!

my "sister" broke my dad's glasses too but that's another story and one that i'm never going to confess to...

"Daddy pinched me"

Mia now you have to tell us!!!

I remember my dad had a large collection of expensive aftershaves....I then 6 and my cousin then 7 thought it would be fun to mix them all together in the sink...

we blamed my cousins mum who lived with us lol she was in her 50's then

Ooo, Miamla - you haveto tell now.

Me: DS, who scribbled on the wall.

DS shrugs

Me: DS, did you scribble on the wall?

DS: No

Me: Well, who did it then?

DS: You did it mummy. You took the pen and you scribbled and scribbled and scribbled (with manic scribbling actions)

Me: No DS I didnt do it.

DS: Well... I think you did do it mummy. And you are very naughty telling fibs so you wont have any sweeties today. And Im going to tell daddy.

oh and DS to a friend...

Mummy hasnt got a willy because the postman chopped it off !