Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

6 year old - is this normal? i really need your help pls.

122 replies

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 19:58

Please please help as I have totally reached rock bottom with my 6 yo ds.

From the age of 2 he has refused to take me seriously if I tell him off - it started with him kicking me in the stomach every time I changed him (while I was pg with dd) and he just laughs if I get angry.

Now, at 6, he is much better but still awful. If I need to stand and talk to someone, pay in a shop, whatever, he is incapable of just standing quietly next to me. he gets totally giddy and silly and behaves like a much younger child. This goes on every single week. Today a friend popped round and because i was talking to her he ran round and round the garden, in the snow, with no shoes on. I lost my temper when I got him inside and he was packed off to bed early and told not to get out of bed (every single night he is out of bed about 15 times). He has so far been out of bed 5 times tonight already, smacked every time and still gets out of bed. we have tried everything - reasoning, taking away toys/treats/days out, shouting, smacking, crying (me) and nothing helps. I really do think there is something wrong with him but he is fine at school so is it just me?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Chatkins · 03/02/2009 20:01

Have you tried just ignoring him ? Putting him calmly back to bed, and not speaking ?

I wouldn't think the smacking is doing too much good, plus it sounds like he is trying to get your attention the only way he knows how.

Think you need to calm down and step back, can anyone else help you out, lend support ?

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 20:05

I have tried sending him to the bathroom for 'time out' if he gets out of bed - no shouting, no talking etc but he still does it.

We don't usually shout but on days like today
it's very hard not to.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 03/02/2009 20:10

One of the books recommended a lot on MN is How to Talk so your children will listen, How to listen so your children will talk (or similar).

Might be worth a look.

When your DS plays up - whatdo you do? Do you give him attention for it and just completely ignore him? I think ignoring can be a very good tactic/. Takes time to work, which can be stressful, but often children just play up like this for attention.

Does he get a lot of positive praise for demonstrating good behaviour throughout the day?

slayerette · 03/02/2009 20:10

I agree with Chatkins that you might need to explore the parenting zone between reasoning and shouting/smacking/crying - responding calmly but firmly and in a way which doesn't allow him to question your authority. It sounds as if he knows that he can get away with a lot and, without wanting to be harsh, that he doesn't have a great deal of respect for you. As Chatkins says, just go with the back in bed technique and keep going until he falls asleep. If you can sustain this for as many nights as it takes, without varying what you do or responding to him at all, he will soon get bored of it. But at the moment, he gets a reaction from you - even though it's a negative one, he still gets attention.

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 20:13

Hulababy - yes I've read that book - you help them verbalise their emotion (I know you don't want to go to bed right now etc.) but doesnn't help.

I dish out stickers and rewards like there's no tomorrwo if he's good,. and i tell him every day how much I love him and how good he is at x,y and z.

Today's the first time I have ever felt as if i don't even love him anymore.

OP posts:

Chatkins · 03/02/2009 20:18

Sounds like you are trying really hard - are you dealing with this on your own ?

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 20:20

No, I have a fantastic dh who has just the same problems with ds as I do. He is a very devoted father and baths both dc every night, and spends all weekend with them.

OP posts:

DogMa · 03/02/2009 20:23

I'd expect this from a three or 4 year old but by 6, I'd expect better.

Smacking is pointless and destructive. Stop it.

What time does he go to bed? 7.30 to 8.00pm is late enough.

What time does he have dinner - no more than 2 hours between that and bedtime.

Running around whilst your friend was there - attention seeking - send to bedroom and leave there for 6 minutes - no attention, no discussion.

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 20:25

He goes to bed between 7 and 7.30 and if he says he isn't tired we say he can read for a while but must stay in his room.

Dinner is 5.30 or 6pm.

I have snet him to his room and he quite often tried to kick the door down, or will come out and do the smae thing over again.

OP posts:

Chatkins · 03/02/2009 20:27

I have a friend whose son sounds very similar - well he was worse when younger, and she deals with him exactly as Dogma has just described.
He knows exactly what to expect now if he plays up, as she has been consistent and firm and calm, and stuck with it. I think she had many days when she felt like you do however, you just need to hang in there, keep your cool as much as you can.

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 20:30

I agree with Dogma that it's more what you'd expect from a younger child - my dd (4) is in some ways a lot better than ds, but can do all the same attention seeking things. Agree that they do not respect my authority but 99% of the time I do the calm controlled time out thing, and only very rarely do I smack or shout.

OP posts:

Lilyloo · 03/02/2009 20:33

Does he go to sleep though when you put him to bed at this time ?
I found ds 6 behaviour worsening as we started relaxing bedtime to 8 as it was narly 9 whe he went to sleep.
We now do bath 6.30 bed at 7.

Have ou looked at his diet ? I notice a deterioration if ds has lot's of chocolate.

I agree on the smacking if it is a regular thing it has no use.

I find telling ds how much he has hurt me and my feelings etc is more useful.

If it helps i have spoken to some of the mums at school and they having difficulties with 6/7 year old boys too.

Does he have any activity he would hate to miss if you used it as a reward. We have used ds football effectively on these lines as he loves this.

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 20:36

He doesn't like chocolate, and I cook all their meals from fresh. They have sweets once a week. He loves fruit.

Yes, he has been made to miss his favourite activities - no effect

OP posts:

hytter · 03/02/2009 20:37

Talk to his teacher - what works in the classroom. I expect he gets a lot of praise/reward/stickers etc etc.

Draw a line underthings. Fresh start with a consistant approach.

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 20:37

And i know that there's supposed to be a testosterone surge at this age but this behaviour isn't new

OP posts:

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 20:39

Sorry - going to go for a bit of a cry now. Please keep the ideas coming.

as you can see I need all the help i can get

OP posts:

noonki · 03/02/2009 20:43

I don't want to sound harsh but smacking him 5 times in one night is hardly rarely.

My DS1 is a b'bit of a handful' and his naughty behaviour absoulutely increases the more I tell him off/time out/ shout/ask him why etc

the ONLY thing that consitantly works is ignoring his bad behaviour, if he understands it is something naughty

( but maybe saying please stop that or removing quietly if in danger/hurting someone else)

and as you are doing; praising the good.

and when he is good for a little while (even if that means not being naughty praise that!) and then talk about it later to your DH infron of DS1 (eg .. we went to the shop and DS1 was so good because he stood by me really nicely...)

as for going to bed just put him back in bed with no fuss saying 'bedtime' and then nothing (keep putting him back, very boringly no fuss, no losing your rag etc) again and again for a few nights no talking no eye contact nothing. Very boring for him (and you )

But if you lose it with him you will be back at square one.

It is VERY frustrating but honestly it works.

Try two weeks with no shouting, smacking or time out and lots of praise.

and see what happens, it turned our life around and is so much less stressful.

DogMa · 03/02/2009 20:44

I would agree with talking to the teacher - if he really is no trouble at school, she's got the answer.

if that isn't really the case and he can act up more than most there too - have a think about getting him checked for a behavioural anomoly such as ADHD. GP, HV or someone at school can talk you through it.

Start planning your revenge - when he brings his first girl friend home, make him pay

hytter · 03/02/2009 20:46

have you heard of the Dore Programme?
www.dore.co.uk/

I know a family who used it to help behaviour problems, i'm not suggesting your DS has special needs but it may be of interest.

Leo9 · 03/02/2009 21:07

I think you need to:

1 Stop smacking - it's completely worse than useless. He knows when you do that, that you have no other ideas and that is not a reassuring place for a child who needs to know his parents are coping and in charge.

2 Keep calm. All the time. Ways of keeping calm are:

Re-assess your expectations - there will be many, many things that you can treat much, much less seriously; for example running about in the snow does not warrant agonies and punishments to me. It would be possible for you and your friend to shake your heads and laugh about it and tell him he's crazy and then just go "oh, ds come and show me how to do....this or that....."

in shops, if he's a tendency to be 'giddy and silly' keep his attention very much focused; get him to keep the money and pay the lady and tell him if he does it nicely he can buy a comic, sweet, whatever...give him more responsibilities and talk to him as you would a much older child and he may well respond.

If you're talking to someone and he's behaving stupidly, ignore him and keep calm. Distract him as soon as you can with something else.

When he's being bad, instead of reacting and responding to what he is doing (which inevitably will be with a punishment or ever-escalating annoyance) respond to the underlying need which is I guess going to be either need for attention or occupation and act on that eg "DS when I've finished talking to Mrs X, shall we go and get.....(whatever).....ok then let me just finish here" or something

Basically I think I'm saying to you that you need to REACT less but ACT more constructively.

And keep calm. If you can do that alone, things will improve 80% IMO.

hytter · 03/02/2009 21:22

Just wanted to say 1Sadmummy that you love your son, you may not love his behaviour but you do love him.

Your doing your best......looking for help and support and trying hard to help your son. Parenting is the hardest job of all and some have easiler challenges than others. Don't beat yourself up. Its very hard! You need to be disciplining him when he behaves poorly which kind of goes against ignoring him not an easy balance I know.

I think the key is to talk to his teacher than plan how to avoid the behaviour.

Keep your chin up!

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 21:27

Thanks all.

Noonki - when I say we smack rarely, I mean that nights like tonight are rare. Usually if he gets out of bed (as he does, every night) we make him go and sit in the bathroom in the dark for time out and then he's sent quietly back to bed. Whereupon he gets out again 10 mins later. He is told that if he doesn't stay in bed tonight he won't get x or be able to go to y, and we stick to that.

I do usually ignore his silly behaviour but today he had also grabbed the cat (by the neck more or less) and come running outside before runnig round in the snow barefoot. I ignored that and when we went back inside he ran off giggling into my room and hid in the wardrobe because, as he said, he knew I'd be cross. So I shouted and made him tidy up his toys and then we had dinner in silence (I usually encourage lots of chat about what the children have done all day etc). I then told him to get changed and go to bed and his father and I both told him he would be smacked if he got out of bed (again) tonight. 5 minutes later he was running round laughing upstairs

OP posts:

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 21:28

x post hytter - thanks

OP posts:

LoveMyLapTop · 03/02/2009 21:36

I am sorry but i cant see the logic in time out for getting out of bed.
He has to go straight back to bed surely otherwise he is getting hwat he wants ( being out of bed)
If mine get out of bed it is straight bak and they are told that if i see them again before the morning then they will be grounded the next day.

Original poster

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 21:40

He sits on a cold tiled bathroom floor in the dark but I will try putting him straight back in his bed.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5