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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

6 year old - is this normal? i really need your help pls.

122 replies

1SadMummy · 03/02/2009 19:58

Please please help as I have totally reached rock bottom with my 6 yo ds.

From the age of 2 he has refused to take me seriously if I tell him off - it started with him kicking me in the stomach every time I changed him (while I was pg with dd) and he just laughs if I get angry.

Now, at 6, he is much better but still awful. If I need to stand and talk to someone, pay in a shop, whatever, he is incapable of just standing quietly next to me. he gets totally giddy and silly and behaves like a much younger child. This goes on every single week. Today a friend popped round and because i was talking to her he ran round and round the garden, in the snow, with no shoes on. I lost my temper when I got him inside and he was packed off to bed early and told not to get out of bed (every single night he is out of bed about 15 times). He has so far been out of bed 5 times tonight already, smacked every time and still gets out of bed. we have tried everything - reasoning, taking away toys/treats/days out, shouting, smacking, crying (me) and nothing helps. I really do think there is something wrong with him but he is fine at school so is it just me?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

steppemum · 05/02/2009 15:47

Hi again,
One thing has struck me as I read your responses today, you have mentioned lots of things, positive and negative that your ds does on the thread, but I wonder if you have got to the root of it with this stuff about the social situation? Could you take time to sit down and look at all the times he has been a pain in the last week, or even make a behaviour diary for your self over the next couple of weeks, in order to really see for yourself what the triggers and key situations are? Is the problem really meeting people, what about school/ relatives, is it strangers or everyone, adults or children. Is it just shyness that manifests itself as clowning around, or is it more? (these are questions for yourself not for us lot obviously!!)
Does he settle after a while. Is he jealous of you giving time to others? How much is it your expectations that are being let down, what do your friends who see him often really thing, etc etc

I am only suggesting this because if you can identify that there is a pattern, then it is so much easier to work with, and it helps you to pin point times when you/he need help.

Hang on in there, keep going, you are doing a great job.
I read an article recently written by a mum who had a very difficult baby (cried all day and half the night for the first 6 months) it was very moving because she said some of us are sent the more challenging kids, but in the end she felt as if having a challenging kid had taken her to a new depth of love and relationship than she might have had with him otherwise.

RiaParkinson · 05/02/2009 22:17

worriermum your words ring true with me and my teenagers oddly

when i took a sharp tight hold of the reins then the behavious that had been pushing me to the edge -moved back- if that makes any sense?

Original poster

1sadmummy · 06/02/2009 12:55

Dear all

Just to give you an update :

Had another problem free day (& night!) yesterday, but we were never in a situation where he usually gets silly, so I'm not reading too much into it.

We did sit down & have chat about why he does what he does when other people are around - previously he has just shrugged his shoulders & said 'I don't know' but yesterday he said it was because he just wants to get home more quickly. I explained (as I've done before) how sad it makes me when he does it and that other people don't get to see how clever and grown up he really is when he acts that way.

I also had a chat with a lovely lady from the Dore programme - apparently ds is officially too young for that kind of treatment (he is only 6.5 and would need to be 7) but in any case she didn't seem to think he would actually be classed as ASD or similar. She seemed to think it's just very immature social skills, so that was a relief really.

My gut feeling now (with the help that you have all provided!) is that it is a learned response - he has learned that behaving like that always gets my attention, one way or another. I have deliberately fostered a very close bond with both my children and I don't regret that, but in ds's case it would seem he doesn't like sharing me. Having another baby when he was just 2 probably didn't help, but he seemed okay at the time and they get on exceptionally well together. There's never been any kind of traumatic separation from me - until last year the only time I had been away from him was 2 nights in hospital to have dd and ds was very excited about his trips up and down to the hospital.

Anyway, am hoping that it is something he will grow out of and he seems to have taken in the chat we had yesterday, so fingers crossed!

I will, of course, keep you posted but in the meantime I cannot thank you all enough for all your input, time and sympathy

I also hope tihs thread will help others, and if nothing else it may ease the conscience of all those working mums who are always being beaten up by the media - I've done the full SAHM thing and and look what's happened!!!!

Best wishes to you all

Not-so-sad-mummy x

OP posts:

veryveryworriedmum · 06/02/2009 13:57

Ah!!!! Good for you Not-so-sad-mummy anymore!

Keep us posted!

Heated · 06/02/2009 13:59

RiaParkinson · 06/02/2009 23:20

good i am so glad things moving in the right direction x

Original poster

1sadmummy · 27/02/2009 12:03

Hello all

As promised, I just wanted to give you an update.

Things are so, so much better

Since my original post, ds's behaviour has improved immensely. We have - thankfully- not had an episode like the one which prompted me to post on here. Nowhere near!

So what has changed? What has brought about this magical transformation? I think it's been a combination of things really. I have worked very hard on being authoritative and giving very meaningful stares when he crosses the line. I've also used 1-2-3 Magic and it really does work for us: as the book promises, I only get to 1 or 2 now, then ds quietly stops annoying his sister/running next to the road/whatever. I also think ds has grown up a little bit, and is just a bit more able to understand that some things just
aren't acceptable. He has even been well bahaved when other people are around, which was his most difficult time.

Thank you all so very much for your help and support. I don't know what I would have done without you all!

OP posts:

Original poster

1sadmummy · 28/02/2009 08:18

OP posts:

savoycabbage · 28/02/2009 08:30

That is wonderful! Well done.

TwilightSurfer · 28/02/2009 20:28

1sadmummy, don't take this wrong but you just made my day, my week, my year even. My dd1 (5yr) is exactly like your ds in every way...down to the not speaking to the bestfriend bit. i'm taking the information herein to heart. bless you!

Original poster

1sadmummy · 28/02/2009 20:32

Thanks, savoycabbage

Twilightsurfer - I'm sorry you're going through all this too, but I am glad you've found the thread. As you can see, lots of people offered really good advice (and support), and if the thread can help you too then that is wonderful.

Do not despair!

OP posts:

beansontoast · 28/02/2009 20:57

oh brilliant 1sadmummmy,so glad to hear this.

i have read quite alot of this thread,pretty much all of it and some things resonated with me ...mainly worriermum (so true soo soo true )the advice and the things she pointed out about you.

I LOVE MUMSNET for threads like this that quite literally turn lives around (guuuush)

i was going to say that you can have rotten social skills and not have autism,or anything close...but you know that now.

hoorah for all you wise wonderful helpful mums

My2 · 28/02/2009 20:58

some great advice on here - that i will be putting to good use!

thank you for bumping 1sadmummy (ps are you going to change your name now....?)

Heated · 28/02/2009 21:11

What a really great update

Glad 123 Magic worked - what was ds' reaction at first to it? We still use it for ds1 and, like you, just have to just say 1 or 2... but it's really those pauses in between that gives them the time to regain control. And much less emotionally wearing on us too, I found.

pollywobbledoodle · 28/02/2009 21:26

just a quick thought, at dd's school thy have parent-child-teacher meetings regularly where home and school behaviours can be spoken about openly(at least thats the plan!)with the child, they are invited to contribute to the discussion. would it have an effect on him if he knew you and his teacher would discuss his behaviour

pollywobbledoodle · 28/02/2009 21:27

sorry, didn't see the update(smile)

PillicockSatOnPillicockHill · 28/02/2009 21:28

so pleased for you (Ria)

lizzie95 · 03/03/2009 21:25

Lock him in the cupboard and feed him snails...
I really feel for you. I have read all the posts and there doesn't seem to be any easy answer. Fight the battles you think you can win and that could cause him harm ( like the traffic situation) and ignore the ones that only will affect him ( barefoot in the snow)

TwilightSurfer · 06/03/2009 19:45

sleep seems to be our answer.
{{runs to knock on wood}}

it took a few days BUT moving dd1's bedtime from 8 (more like 9) to 7 sharp has made the most incredible difference. she's calmer, quite well behaved, and happy...MY CHILD IS HAPPY!!!

SadMummyNoMore · 07/09/2010 09:13

Hello everyone

It's 1sadmummy here, just under a different name. An update was long overdue on this thread. Thanks to everyone who supported me.

DS has an ASD - this was completely missed by health visitors, teachers, doctors, everyone. It was only my own niggling doubts which led me to seek a diagnosis, just a few months ago.

Behavioural problems have come and gone since my last update - at times it got much, much worse, but at the moment it's pretty good.

My message to all of you is that we all know our own children best, so if any of you have any doubts about whether your child has an ASD, or any of my story resonates with you, then don't be fobbed off by the health visitor.

ds is now receiving the specialist intervention he needs, and we are a much happier family. Where we would be if I hadn't got a diagnosis, I don't like to think

Thanks all

kimiasol · 07/09/2010 19:54

Link here

kimiasol · 07/09/2010 19:54

adsf

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