Controlled crying - please don't shout at me

[treadwithcare]

Please don't shout at me - positive responses only please - I am going to attempt controlled crying this evening. Who out there has done it successfully? And how did you do it? I am on my own for the next five days so it seems a sensible time to start. I need to teach dd to settle self to sleep without me pushing her in the pram in the freezing cold or taking her for a drive. How did you do it and how long did it take?

From the sound of your first post you only want people to agree with you but I'm afraid I don't - your DD is too young for controlled crying.

Just do what others have said - bath, pj's, story, cuddles etc. I view it as a really nice time rather than a chore and ds generally sleeps pretty well. If he doesn't there is usually a reason - teething or the like.

I have just receommended this to someone else but have you just tried staying with her whilst she cries in her cot, stroking her back or hair and gently soothing her until she eventually nods off?

I realise it can hurt the ears slightly but if you look at it from your DD'd pov its better than being just left to it to when she's upset. And I'm convinced it leads to healthier sleep habits because there is less risk of a fear of abandonment.

5 and half months is very very very young, the person who wrote about cc method said it should not be used until at least 6 months. they are not emotionally ready. i was lucky that ds slept through from 10 weeks but even he needed feeding to sleep every day and night til 12 months and i could have never done cc. it is of course your choice but i really urge you to wait, she may just one day be able to settle herself like my ds did, i really believe it is a developmental stage and shouldn't really be forced especially not if she sleeps so well anyway, sleeping through at that age is great.

also really agree with the routine idea, we always bath ds, take him up into his darkened room, massage, cuddles, bed.

What's the bedtime routine at the moment - how long does she take to settle?

I can totally see how draining it must be specially if you're a lone parent but TBH sleeping through at 5 months is so stunningly brilliant - personally I wouldn't be too troubled by having to be with her to get her off; she is still such a tiny baby to me there's no reason she would be able to get off without some help yet...

Thank you for your posts. The reason I wanted to hear from people who had done it was so that i know 'how' to do it - what the method is exactly. She has a great bedtime routine at the moment, bath, story etc and as I say sleeps through the night. It's just the getting to sleep bit can take hours. It's not that I don't want to be there for her, but as a single working mum I simply have to have some time to do other things (which in my mind are also taking care of her) like doing the washing or having something to eat, or ordering her clothes. If I didn't do those things they wouldn't get done. So I need to be able to know I can put her to bed and she'll go to sleep. I can't put her in a sling for medical reasons unfortunately. I am in a difficult situation, and having made the decision to do it, I was hoping to hear from some people who can tell me how they did it.

even the man that thought it up has now said it is only for 12 months and over

and please dont do it

imagine you are your baby......and then see if you still want to do it

If she is taking hours to go to sleep, could it be that she is just not tired? Do you really want her lying in the dark, not bothering to cry because she knows you won't come, if she isn't tired? As I said, mine fell asleep quite late in the evening at this age, and that time came down towards 7pm as the months went by

When slinging was hard, I found that I could put the baby in a buggy and get one with some things such as cooking, washing, and just pootle around the house with her watching me

it won't be long before you can have your evening meals together - only a few weeks more - messy and chaotic but lovely to eat together, even at that age

there are alternatives, and this is a really short period of time (I know it feels like forever) - it won't be long before you have your evenings back

I know it is tough at this age, I felt like I hit a wall around this time and just ran out of patience completely - it feels like it will be like this FOREVER

treadwithcare, I totally see how stressful it must be...of course you need time to get other stuff done, specially when the running of the house is all down to you too, but maybe there are other ways round it? I found my ds settled fairly quickly so long as I was in the room; at this age I rocked him to sleep...then later we sang or read him to sleep....then later again, we would sit in his darkened room but only as long as he layed down and didn't play up or make a sound!

We've never had the 'kiss goodnight and go' thing, some kids just don't seem to be able to cope with it; but there are other things to try IMO that mean they're happy and you still get some evening.

What I would say if you do decide to try it is to decide on how many evenings you are giving it, and then stick to it with grim determination because babies can smell indecision....I wouldn't think I'd be able to give it more than 5 nights personally (don't spose I'd manage it, TBH)

I did this for night wakings from 6m mo. I never left her more than 5 minutes and if she didn't start to seem to even start to settle after about 30 mins I just gave up and tried again in 3-4 weeks. At 9 mo it worked really easily over 3 nights. I never had to go in more than 3 times. If it had taken much longer I may have had to sell her on ebay.... we all have our limits.

The bedtime routine has always been pretty reliable but it's not quick - takes at least an hour. I think it has been important that we can leave the room before dd is actually asleep - but that just seemed to evolve naturally when she was about 10-12 mo and sometimes wasn't quite nursed to sleep.

I did it at 12 weeks for exact same reasons as you (brill sleeper, rubbish getter to sleep) (cue shock horror) but it worked for us after one night and one nap session (he was obviously having 2 a day at that point). From then on we have put him down to sleep awake and he has settled himself brilliantly. He is not a traumatised, scarred for life child, everyone comments on how confident, happy and cheerful he is. Happy mum happy baby - do what you need to do. It is VITAL that you get some time for yourself, this is just as important as anything else that you do for your child imho. Just stick with it. Check back with me if you're not sure of the method, and have something compelling on dvd that you can watch (to help you cope and so you can keep pausing it!)

And don't feel bad or guilty; ds is now 3 and I realise that so much of the stuff that I agonised about for ages over ds is almost immaterial iyswim. Most things are just a phase, which can seem huge and insurmountable, or terrifying and dreadful at the time but which fades into insignificance over time.

Hi there

I see you are asking for how CC works rather than opinions on if it's a good idea or not - totally understand as was at the same stage 2.5 mths ago.

We did this at 6.5 mths and it worked well. Our baby was good at going to sleep (we had had a good routine from v early on) but was waking up more and more frequently during the night and unable to self settle.
I did my research and then did it the following way:

• put to bed as normal
• when he woke up the first time, immediately went into him to reassure him (as usual)
• did NOT pick him up or feed him, or turn the light on (this was not usual - previously I would have tried to soothe him & would have ended up feeding him)
• patted his back, stroked his face, told him we loved him, all of that - but NO picking up
• left the room again after one or two minutes - i.e. not trying to wait till he was asleep again
• waited 2 mins, went in again, same routine

-waited 3 mins, ditto

• waited 5 mins, ditto
• waited 10 mins (but actually he stopped crying after 7 and then slept through till 7am the next morning!)

The whole thing took 25 mins in total, including the time I was in there reassuring him. V important to look at the clock as listening to your baby cry for one minute feels like 10. The next night was about the same, but the 3rd night it took more like 10 mins, and since then he has been a fantastic sleeper - although, that said, last night he woke crying about 40 mins after he'd gone to bed, which was very unusual. I am pretty sure it must have been a nightmare, so obviously I went in, picked him up, reassured him, etc.

I guess for you, the issue is the going to bed rather than the waking up, so you could do the above as soon as you put your baby to bed - i.e. rather than waiting for her to wake up the first time.

I also had friends who said that for them, going in to reassure their babies actually made it worse - made it more difficult for the baby to calm down and go to sleep. I am sure that the best method of doing anything varies from baby to baby - and, of course, CC will not work for all babies at all, although it did for us.

I think the main point is not to pick them up, feed them, or give them anything which they could not do by themselves (i.e. if your baby can find a dummy and put it in her mouth by herself, then it's fine to give her one, otherwise, don't do that either), so that they learn how to sleep by themselves with no props.

Obviously v controversial etc but I decided I would rather have a baby who slept well than one who was exhausted from waking up - especially as I had heard of quite a few 2 or 3 year olds who were still waking up several times in the night.

Hope this helps a bit.

I have a 5 1/2 month DD3 and am at yours sleeping through the night mine is nowhere near it.

I wouldn't leave her to cry or do CC thats just my opinion I can understand why you would. Lack of sleep is a terrible thing and it is very frustrating when you are lying there trying to get a baby off to sleep mentally thinking about the 101 other things you have to do.

I feed DD3 to sleep and feed when she wakes (2-3 times a night)

I did controlled crying at 3 months. I was exhausted rocking dd to sleep in my arms, and she cried herself to sleep even then. Pick up/put down just seemed futile, as she wouldn't stop crying even if we picked her up! So we did our research and came up with this plan:

• bed time routine (bath, boob, bed)
• settle dd in cot awake and calm
• kiss goodnight and leave the room
• if she starts crying wait 5 mins
• settle dd again, but don't pick up. Once settled, leave again
• wait 7 mins
• settle dd
• wait 10 mins

then 12 mins,

It took about a week altogether, but she was usually asleep within 30 mins. Also, it seemed to take longer on the 3rd night, but after that she fell asleep pretty quickly.
I found a clock really useful. I would set the timer on my mobile phone. I also found it helpful to have someone there to distract me and stop me from giving in, so maybe you could invite someone over?

Since then she loves her bedtime. She loves the routine, and has by no means given up, or not bothered to cry, because she will cry if there's something up, and I respond instantly, so I really don't think there's any break in trust. When she's been ill she's been picked up and cuddled and fallen asleep in my arms too. She's 1 yr old now.

It worked very well for us.

5 1/2 months is not too young.

I second the recommendation not to give up. Once you start, see it to the end. It shouldn't be that hard in your case, since we are not talking about night wakings/feedings but getting your DD to sleep.

One alternative to CC (leaving the room and letting her cry for increasing periods of time) is that you can stay with her in the room - put her in her cot, hold her hand, pat her, sing to her, etc whatever works, until she goes to sleep. If she gets hysterical, pick her up, then as soon as she calms down, put her back down.

Controlled crying is not recommended - even by those who think it's a good idea - until at least 12 months. A baby of this age has no sense of time and has no way of knowing that she hasn't been abandoned. She barely knows that she isn't still part of her mother.

treadwithcare I had a very strict bedtime routine with ds from about 2 weeks. However he always had trouble settling to sleep and it got to the point where I was sitting with him for nearly 2 hours. So I did CC, he was 4 months old. And before anyone starts, I don't care if you all think he was too young, he is my child and I will decide what is best for us and how he is to be treated. Thank you.
I stuck to our normal routine, bath, dressed, song, milk and story, then put him down, he cried, I left the room for 2 minutes, came back, settled him, he stopped crying the minute I went back into room, then left again for 5 mins, went back in and stayed til he stopped crying (but stayed no longer than 5 mins) left again, went back in 10 mins later, stayed for 5, left for 15, went back for 5, left for 20, went back and he was asleep. Did this for 3 nights and the end result was being able to put him down wide awake and he'd settle himself, he'd also settle himself if he woke through the night.

Of course a six month old baby has a sense of time.

I've seen CC being advocated for babies over 6 months, and even that is an arbitrary cut-off point.

Babies as young as 3.5 months have a grasp of 'object permanence' so I don't agree with your perception of babies' view of the world under 12 months of age.

We did sleep training with DD when she was 4 months and it worked in a few days. It wasn't CC because we didn't leave her alone, but it wasn't cruel and had no long term effects on her psychology and her loving relationship with us.

So a 6 month old baby knows that in 5 minutes someone will come back and she won't be alone any more? The don't just feel "I'm crying and unhappy and nobody cares?"

I did it at 5 months (I'm prepared to be flamed). I did it for day naps first, once these were sorted (within 3 days he settled straight away) it was much quicker for nights.

I haven't read the whole thread (too many people make me cross when they start slaggig you off for using CC). There's plenty of other good advice here, but my advice is not to give up, and prepare for things to go backwards at times and appear like it's getting worse. Also, when they're ill it all goes out of the window, and you have got to go through the process again when they're better.

I now have a content two year old who settles himself at night. In fact, so any people are amazed at how good he is going to sleep, including my own mum who was ANTI controlled crying and we had big debates about it. She always says, 'I don't know how you did it..' Interestingly, my sister followed mum's advice and still spends an hour getting her 1 yr old DD to sleep in the day and at night. Mum's always criticising her now (she seems to have selective memory!)

I don't understand why not agreeing with controlled crying and particularly thinking it's wrong to do it with a child under 1 is always construed as "flaming".

sits next to seeker to ponder same.

I did it at 4 months and it worked BRILLIANTLY. As someone else said earlier it took 3 nights and we haven't had a problem since unless there is really something wrong (teething or temperature for example). Sound elimination headphones (for you) can really help!
I personally feel it was one of the best thins I did for my DS and don't give a moment's notice to those who don't like the idea. I don'tknow why they insist on continually going on about how they disagree with it - yep, we heard you the first time!

I agree seeker that's my personal opinion, I would rather my DDs know that if they wake in the night Mummy's there with a cuddle and a little drink, it's being awake for all of a minute I don't even get up or out of bed, a year is a short time in a babies life so I go with the flow. However, I would probably feel different if I was awake for 2 hours in the wee small hours IYSWIM?

Some people like CC it works for them, fine

Some people don't agree with it at all, fine

I don't understand why there's this need to justify whatever you believe in, do what you want for your children, what you believe is the best and sod everyone else.

Has anyone said this...the reason she is hard to settle is that she is over tired.

Dd2 [same age] sleeps through. Normally she goes to bed nicely, has a little chat to herself, a play with a toy [I can see her at all times] and falls alseep. Only 'asking' for her dummy if it pops out.

If she is overtired, I have to shhh her, pat her, stroke her head.

Try the routine, may be all you need.