What is the etiquette for leaving children in cars??

[Luxmum]

Not at all? For 2 minutes while you pay for the petrol? Or longer?? I have been leaving my sleeping children in the car (not hot day, in the shade, doors locked for no more than 10 minutes) to go to shops I know they would be hell in, for a few minutes or so. I then come back, they are still asleep, (it being their nap time) and we then go home. Is this wrong? I feel bad doing it, but I would feel worse waking them both up during their naps, hauling their grumpy bodies out of the car and bringing them to inappropriate shops (ie a china shop where I had to get a wedding present). Am I a bad parent??

Having just recognised a post on here I see I have already answered when I had a different name and this is a pretty old thread, courtesy of gingertiger7.

I saw an interview on TV once with a lady who left her daughter in the car for a few minutes while shopping. The car had a problem (unbeknown to her) and the engine started smoking, then flaming, while she was gone. They managed to get her daughter out but she was badly burned and facially scared for life. How guilty would you feel if something like that happend to your child!

Supercherry - do you sit in your child's room in your own home and watch them sleep all night. No you do not. But hey someone could break into your house and steal your child when you're asleep!

What happened to Madeleine is terrible and I'm not condoning leaving your child alone in room a long walk away. But eating in a restaurant below your locked bedroom with baby monitors is acceptable in my book!

You have to make a balance of being cautious but not over cautious. I am worried for the next generation, being wrapped in cotton wool and never allowed any freedom/trust. What is it going to do to them?

The world has been swarmed in unnecessary paranoia mainly because of the media. There has been no increase in the amount of paedophiles in the world.

Yes terrible things do happen - and God forbid any thing happens to anyones child but the sad reality is things will happen to even the most cautious of people - but worrying about the 'what ifs' could drive you to insanity and you would end up doing nothing and going nowhere!! Where upon your house might be struck by lightning killing everyone in it!

I don't think the McCann reference is relevant.
Agree it not ettiquette. Its risk. A risk calculation. We would never step outside our door, if we weren't careful.

I have left mine in the house for short periods since age 5 or 6- because I know if something happened to me and I didn't come back, they would be able to get out, they could get hold of the neighbours, ring Daddy at work etc. I would feel a bit more concerned about a locked car- unless I'm close enough to see them/somebody else knows they're there. Basically, I don't want my dcs to be in any situation that they can't get out of.

though I don't get this argument by devotion:

"what if a car hit your parked car or worse even - a bus."

well if it did- your presence in the car would provide absolutely no protection

on both occasions that dd has been in a car that's been hit at least one responsible adults has been present- that didn't stop the accident; and if it had been a more serious bump, she would have got just as injured if an adult was sitting next to her

if the car was hit I don't suppose it would be any consolation to dd that I was killed too

OK, just read through all these and personally I wouldn't do it other than paying for petrol or posting a letter where I could see the car at all times, or running into the house to grab whatever I have forgotten.

However, I'm surprised no one has mentioned nutters loitering around. What if a drug addict, loonatic, boy racer or other decided to steal your car. What if a child molester (wow, do we even use that word anymore? ) saw the childrena and deided to steal your car. These things are much more in the forefront of my mind than whether my child would be scared when waking up. You'd never forgive yourself if your car got stolen with them in it.

In my opinion Luxmum, I would take them out of the car into the shops even if they are grumpy it does not matter, better be safe than sorry. I would rather have my daughter here with me and grumpy, than kidnapped or killed(perish the thought. It only takes a few mins for a child rapist paedophile to break in and kidnap. A child is the most precious thing in the world, totally irreplacable. YOu would not leave you handbag in the car, you certainly would not leave a child even for 10 mins.

Goober on Mon 22-Sep-08 08:26:26
"Only at a petrol station. With doors loked and under strict instruction to hit the horn if they get frightenned and not to open the doors.
Mine are 9 12 and 14."

I can't imagine locking a 14yo in and giving instructions not to open the door. To me, a 14yo is someone who should, at the very least, be able to cope with a train journey on their own, somebody who goes out with their mates and who ought to be able to babysit younger children, somebody who will probably be moving from home in another four years' time. Somebody who needs to use their own initiative in dealing with unexpected situations. Unless of course your children have SN.

Yes older children are different you would give them more independence, espcailly if there is an older child with the younger child, I am mostly referring to little ones like toddlers and pre schoolers.

I think you have to use your common sense. I usually leave dc's in the car to pay for petrol if I can't use pay at the pump but I wouldn't if the queue was really long and my car is right at the back of the petrol line. I have parked outside our local shop - off road run in for milk - no queue and leapt back in the car again. Same for posting a letter. After all at most Post boxes you can actually park next to them. But no to leaving in public/supermarket car park, going in the post office etc because you are obviously away from the car.

Both DC's have slept in the car while I out the shopping away (on drive, in front of a window or in DH's car in the garage) but not when it is a sweltering hot sunny day.

As for the hotel thing, a small family run hotel with a baby monitor next to you at the hotel's own restaurant is not a problem IMO. Leaving children in an apartment and walking to a restaurant down the road is too far away. But again this wouldn't be unreasonable if your eldest DC was of an age to sit with the littlies while they are sleeping. If your eldest is very immature you wouldn't leave them with the responsibility if you know they can't handle it.

mine are 4, alomost 3 and 4 months.

i leave them to pay for petrol or to put the trolly back as i honestly think in those situations it's safer to leave young kids in the car than try and traffic dodge with them.

i leave the ds's in the car for 5 mins while i walk dd into playschool; remote location, plenty of other moms about the place.

i always wake them and drag them with me if i'm going into shops though, even if it's just 5 mins. either that or if at all possible i sit for a while and let ds1 seep as he's cranky if woken too soon or else i put off the shopping til it's more convenient... imo a wedding gift was hardly urgent enough to have to be done that very second, you ust have had plenty of warning and therefore lots of other opportunities to buy it.

I can't believe this has been dredged up again!

Cory My 14 year old DS1 DOES indeed have special needs, but thanks for judging.

It's all fine until something awful happens, then you're a shit parent .... but isn't it illegal anyway? I wouldn't leave mine alone until they are around 8 years old.

Goober I didn't read Cory's post as 'judging' ... maybe you should have mentioned you dc had special needs as it's obvious to most parents a 14 year old would be ok left in a car .... have I got that right?

I pop into my mil's farm shop once a week and leave dd1 2.5 & month old dd2 asleep in the car. All the windows are open, the doors are locked, it's parked in the shade and I can see them from the shop. It's in a small village and everyone there knows my car and who my mil is. I also leave them in the car to get petrol because obviously they're in full view (and my brother runs the petrol station!). Other than that, no, no, no!

I never do , not even to pay for petrol. I've heard too many stories of cars been stolen from forecourts with kids in back. I might do when Ds is older but he's only 18 months atm.

It's beyond belief that anyone would leave a child in the car that wasn't in full view, and for longer than a couple of minutes. Beyond belief. Doesn't matter whether they are asleep or not. If they are asleep they could wake up, wonder where on earth mummy was and when she was coming back and be petrified. I'm sorry, but I can't understand the mentality of people who are prepared to risk the emotional security of their own child, never mind all the other more dangerous possible scenarios already mentioned.

As someone has already mentioned, and really sums the whole thing up, you would not leave your handbag or laptop on full show in your car - why on earth would you think leaving a child would be acceptable?

I leave my 3 year old to get petrol but pay at pump, or if it's not available I lock the doors and can see the car from the kiosk. He is also old enough to understand the explanation of where I've gone for 2 minutes.

Just can't understand the blase attitude.....to be prepared to take a risk where your child's safety is concerned.

I leave my 3 at petrol station or at village post office where I can see them all the time. Not otherwise- it's just not worth the worry. I know how hard shopping with littlies is - 1 had 3 under 3 years old ... that's when I discovered the joys of internet shopping - freedom at last!!

Personally I wouldn't ever leave my DD in a locked car, not for one minute, not if I could see it all the time. She's my responsibility, even when I need to shop, post a letter or buy petrol. Yeah, it's harder work, but she's worth it.

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I would never leave a child in someone else's car. Not without asking first. That would be extremely bad etiquette.

Just pondering.....I wonder if it's just the way our mindset is, which determines what we think is acceptable. ie. how much of a risk-taker you are in other areas of life.

For me, before having children, I would happily have done a parachute jump. Been very scared, and aware that there was a small risk of something going wrong and I could die, but I would have done it I think. Now, with the responsibilities of children, I don't think that I would willingly put myself in that position. ie. there is a tiny chance I would die, therefore depriving my children of their mother, therefore I would not run the risk and so would not do a parachute jump. Not till they were 18 anyway.

There was a documentary on a couple of months back about some adventurer/explorer type who was aiming to cross the sea between Australia and New Zealand in a canoe, totally unaided, without backup, and without radio contact for a large part of the trip. (I think those were the details - can't quite remember, which is quite tragic and ironic when I think of the outcome). He had a toddler son, and he KNEW that the chance of death was actually very high. Yet he still went ahead with it. And he didn't make it - he drowned. Wife left a widow, son left without a dad. Becuase he was a risk-taker - to the extreme, admittedly, but it was just in his mind-set.

I don't know.....I think I am waffling and pondering too much here thanks to the Friday night wine.

Old thread, but I will still add my tuppenceworth

I will only leave DD (22 months) in a locked car when paying for petrol - and she is always in full sight, although I do try & use pay @ pump where possible. If she's asleep when we get home, I park on the drive outside my house, go to the front room where I can look out directly at her and mumsnet read the papers.

I have heard/seen some real horror stories (imo) though. For example, pre-natal Mums meeting up at one of their houses, all having lunch together while their babies are left in the cars outside.

Once I stopped at a motorway services on the way home. In the car parked next to me were 2 very small children - one toddler perhaps 3 years old & one baby less than 1 year. They were by themselves. I went into the services, was a good 5-10 minutes & they were still there, alone, when I went back to the car. I waited until their mother came back until I left. I didn't say anything to her and I really, really regret that. I think I should have called the police or at least have alerted the shop about the children.

totally agree with the lovely noiamthenewqueenofmn i couldnt have but it better myself my ds is hard work i am alone parent but i do things when he is at nursery or he comes, thought that was normal