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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Teaching a baby manners?

71 replies

CallSignCharlie · 29/04/2008 19:09

Picked up my 16 month old ds (an only child)from nursery today. One of the carers told my that my ds is turning into a bit of a handful as he always has to be first to do everything. He'll push other kids (including older ones)out of the way to be first ourside to play or first to be fed. Some of them end up tearful as a consequence.

If he's kept waiting (which they are doing deliberately to try and teach him to be patient) he starts crying in protest.

I know he is a very active boy, into everything, is very phsysical, and loves his grub too.

My opinon is he's just really keen to do stuff and he's too young to be taught any kind of manners. We can't even get him to say "mummy" or "daddy" yet, so i'm not convinced there's much that can be done to teach him the importance of being patient yet. I'm more than happy for nursery to try, but I'm not sure if there's anything we can do at home?

OP posts:

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CorrieDale · 29/04/2008 19:12

LOL at the idea of teaching a 16 mo to be patient. A concept alien to most 3 year olds.

MrsMattie · 29/04/2008 19:12

You're right. He's far too young to be taught 'manners'. I'm surprised at the nursery's attitude, to be honest. He sounds like a very spirited little boy, which is a good thing. The last thing you want is for him to be labelled as 'difficult' at such a young age. My son is 3 yrs old and is only just learning about taking turns / not pushing and shoving / not hitting out when he doesn't get his own way.

cosima · 29/04/2008 19:13

I would maybe try playing games that involve turn taking, such as songs which have different parts where you have to do your bit. Are there any siblings or other friends that you could do this with?

foxythesnowfox · 29/04/2008 19:14

Its probably the start of teaching him to be aware of others around him, rather than manners.

Up to this age, babies are very egocentric, they are the centre of our world, and their own.

I wouldn't worry too much yet. He's focused on his immediate wants/needs, and he'll become aware that others have them too. IME it does generally involve a bit of pushing and shoving though!

Madlentileater · 29/04/2008 19:15

I aggree with you,,he's way too young. TBH I'd be a bit puzzled by a nursery expecting this of him. They need to find other ays of managing his enthusiasm- keepinghime waiting deliberately sounds a very bad tactic, will only increase his frustration, surely.

Twiglett · 29/04/2008 19:18

are you upset at the nursery or anything

Twiglett · 29/04/2008 19:20

I am sure they aren't keeping him waiting to upset him, but to show him that he still gets there and maybe to prevent the other children getting upset ..

I think they're doing the right thing personally

BlueberryPancake · 29/04/2008 19:21

Agree with Cosima. Teaching Manners is a strange way of putting it, but finding fun ways to have him wait in turn, play 'stop', in games and songs, in playgroups, etc. I have a 2.5 year old who doesn't push or hit, and cries when he is pushed, and is very quiet and laid back and when other children hit him he gets really upset. So I fully understand the nursery's point of view. Pushing and hitting are not acceptable in my views.

meglet · 29/04/2008 19:23

I hope they nursery weren't being narky about him pushing other kids out the way. He's way too little to understand patience.

quint · 29/04/2008 19:26

I don't think its too young at all - maybe the way the nursery have phrased it made it sound a bit formal but whith DD1 when she was younger and DD2 who is now 19m we always say please and thank you and we try and make her take turns and share (though not always successful!) with her sister and friends.

DD2 is also very spirited and grabs for things and pushes her sister out of the way however she has to learn and surely its better to do this early rather than let them get away with it and suddenly introduce 'manner' at an age where you think they will get it.

lucyellensmum · 29/04/2008 20:11

I think keeping him waiting just to teach him to wait is a bit harsh. There are always going to be those that are pushy and forward going. I would be very unhappy if it was my DD. Turn taking is a very important part of development and should be introduced but to make him wait just to teach him? poor little lad. My DD has speech therapy and apparently, turn taking is a very important part of language development and they play games in order to encourage this, that is how the nursery should be dealing this, not imposing it on situations in which the little boy is getting upset. I would be less than impressed thats for sure.

Twiglett · 30/04/2008 11:00

he is a child in a nursery, he is upsetting other children with his natural and normal urges to be first .. of course they need to address it

I don't understand the being unimpressed by them actively noticing and working to address it

one child is not more important than the others in a peer group because it is your child ...

candyfluff · 30/04/2008 11:14

i always get my ds 21 months to say ta for thankyou when i give him something,and try to get him to say hello and goodbye .i think thats as much as you can expect at that age

Umlellala · 30/04/2008 11:15

Agree, but think it's important HOW they are teaching him. Modelling sharing, turn-taking and waiting is best. No point just yelling 'WAIT' (although we have all done it ) as he will still do the same thing when there are no adults around.

I have always tried to show dd what she can do while she is waiting - eg 'you need to wait a minute cos I am on the computer , what can you do while you are waiting? clap your hand? do a dance? go and play with something else?'

Also trying to involve her in watching the other children, so 'look, it's Susie's turn on the buggy now, where's she going to go?' - so she gets that you can enjoy watching other people having fun iykwim. (iT does work, she is 2 now and pretty easygoing and happy to share and wait - well, for a toddler anyway )

Twiglett · 30/04/2008 11:29

agree .. and I didn't read OP as saying that they are yelling at the kid to WAIT tbh

Umlellala · 30/04/2008 14:09

No, nor did I ?

But the OP asked what she could do at home - and was hoping to reassure OP that it IS possible to teach/model positive behaviour in littlies (and yes, they mightn't be tooo happy about it always but it doesn't have to be harsh). Am sure the nursery have some positive approaches - maybe Op should ask them what their approach is as she asked what she could do at home....

Original poster

CallSignCharlie · 30/04/2008 22:55

Thanks v much for the responses!

Seems there are 2 schools of thought, those who believe (like me) that ds is really too young to be taught anything, and those who think the nursery are right to be trying for the good of the other kids.

It is good to hear the different perspectives; I'm not upset with the nursery but am slightly concerned that they are making a bigger deal of this than they need to (given how young he is).

He has no siblings or other kids to play with regualarly outside of nursery so we just "go with the flow" at home and enjoy his spirited nature.

Today,I picked him up from nursery and the "issue" today had been that he wasn't prepared to share toys with the other kids. I must admit I'm starting to wonder now if this particular carer is a bit over-obsessed with his apparent lack of social skills!

OP posts:

quint · 30/04/2008 23:02

I think most kids of that age have that issue!!!! Maybe they have become a little over-obessed. How do you deal with things at home of he takes things from you? Do you allow it to happen or do you try and teach him not to grab? Not having a go at you but I remember one mother I used to work for laughing when her DD bit her when she was teething and turning it into a game, she then grew up thinking it was OK to bite.

Probably not making myself clear but hope you can see what I mean!

edam · 30/04/2008 23:08

If they are criticising him for entirely normal and natural behaviour for a 16mo, then I'd be concerned. If they are just saying 'we need to encourage them to take turns/wait even though it will be a loooong while before it sinks in' then that's fine.

Deliberately keeping him waiting could be a horrid thing to do, or could be helpful - depends how it's done. Punishing a small child for being a small child is not good, clearly.

SazzlesA · 30/04/2008 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tori32 · 30/04/2008 23:29

I work as a CM and work in a group with 3 other child minders. Between us we had 12 children under 3 who all sit on the floor in one place with snacks and drinks and nobody touches the food until everyone is sat down (over 12mths). The ones who can say ta, thankyou and please have to say it before getting snacks and the ones who can't speak are encouraged to learn the words from very early on. Its never too early to teach a child good manners IME. The nursery are correct to address his behaviour because if it isn't dealt with then he will think pushing in is acceptable.

tori32 · 30/04/2008 23:31

PS he is almost a toddler and should be starting to learn how to act like one.

edam · 30/04/2008 23:33

Yeah, and acting like a toddler involves pushing, hitting and other undesirable behaviour - it's normal. It's the way adults handle it that's important, encouraging good behaviour without being mean to the child or having unreasonable expectations of their intellectual and emotional development.

tori32 · 30/04/2008 23:44

Edam, it is normal, but as you have said it does need addressing and he should be learning acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. If all the other children have to wait in a queue then why should the ops dc be different?

Pheebe · 01/05/2008 08:32

hmm, tough one. as the mum of one of the children who often gets pushed aside/made to cry by 'over-exuberant' children i do think its important to start working with them on social manners as soon as possible both at nursery and at home. as a parent you need to set boundaries and decide what is and isn't acceptable behaviour and stick by it, and constantly explain. at 16 months children understand a huge amount even if they can't verbalise yet. unless you're supportive of nurserys efforts its fairly pointless and i'd even go so far as to say perhaps you should remove your child until you're ready to help them socialise. i appreciate this might seem extreme but i would be devastated if i knew my child was regularly upsetting his class mates and would be bending over backwards to try and make sure it stopped.

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