Should a perfectly normal 4.5 year old manage to sit at the table for maybe 45 mins or an hour for a meal?

[MNersanonymous]

Had lunch yesterday with a dear friend and her ds who is 4.5.

Between courses he'd get down from the table at the (thankfully child friendly) restaurant and go off e.g. for a walk with his dad. Ds (2.10) meanwhile has been happily sitting in restaurants since he was well under 2 because we have taught him getting down is not acceptable - and he does still get toys or crayons whilst we wait for the first course.

DF is entitled to have different rules but this time my ds started asking if he could go off for a walk too.

Now I know all kids are different but isn't it fair to think that by 4.5 a child should manage a short meal in a restaurant WITH toys and crayons might I add without getting down? And by short meal I mean maybe 45 mins or an hour?

Am I being unreasonable in my expectations and also what should i say to ds now he has started wanting to copy the other little boy?
I managed a 'in our family we stay at the table' but that was only ok as my friend wasn'tthere by then - if she had been it would have sounded really rude.

How can I get ds to stick with our rules without it looking like I'm slagging off theirs?

I thought I'd be like that but severely autistic ds1 out paid to that. For years he wouldn't eat at all unless spoon fed -so all attention taken up with him. At various times he'll suddenly refuse point blank to sit at the table for a few weeks/months (although he's getting better at that with increasing understanding). Now the main problem is that he disappears and returns whilst eating - bit like a yo-yo - and the others follow him.

Doodle - is this practice for sitting undetected under the mobiles smoking in years to come?

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just reread OP

45 minutes is a loooooooooooooong looooooooooong time to a 4.5 yo.

my dd1 would happily sit for well over an hour at 4.5 but dd2 has rouble sitting for 15 mins to have her tea. if we go out to eat we only tend to do pizza hut, kfc etc but wouldn't dream of taking her to a restaurant/pub for a meal as she would get bored waiting to order.

I was very impressed by friends' dc (aged 3-5) who sat at table for lunch at posh pub for 2.5 HOURS.

My DC aged 18m-6yrs probably stayed at the table for a combined total 30 of minutes during this meal, mostly in 1-minute shifts.

As to how to enforce rules in the presence of other people - just say/shout what you normally say/shout, surely? Unless what you normally say is "sit nicely now not like that so-and-so"

I don't ask other children to follow our rules at the table though. We have high standards

How I see it is: they've got to know at some point that you don't always do what other people do. And what other people do might or might not be wrong, but you DON'T HAVE TO FOLLOW THEM. Surely? You've got to be able to explain that at some point, so practise now!

I'm in a philosophical mood. Must be that wine ...

yurt1 - gorgeous! how marvellous you can do this now

cod - that book gets read fairly often in our house ahem.

doodle - yes i am a fiend for table manners at home - certainly no toys there! but then they're only at the table for a half an hour max usually less. so it's much easier to be stricter about that there.

Children are different. And the same child is different at different times in their lives. My ds was fine sitting at the table as a 2 and 3 yo but finds it really hard as a 7yo. And yes, we are a family that puts great stress on family meals, similar rules to Doodle, but ds really struggles. Somewhere between 4 and 5 he turned from docile perpetual smiler to a rather nervous and hyper little boy.
Dd was similar at that age, but is now turning quite civilised, so I have hopes.

hmm somone said they get " used to what they are shown/taught from early age".

I can't remember ever telling my children or showing them to get up and down constantly. Mine have been going to restaurants since a few days old and have been shown how to behave. It doesn't mean they can do it for an hour without a lot of entertaining.

Some kids are passive, some aren't. They had a photographer in my kids pre-school when I was helping out. There were seats put out for parents who wanted younger siblings to be photographed too. Some of the 2 and 3 yr olds sat there waiting for over 30 mins, doing nothing (all the toys were out as well). Most of the others played in their normal way.

I think it probably is just that ds is not that physically active a child so maybe that's the explanation - I won't be feeling smug when he is added to the obesity statistics and df's son is not will I!!

Food for thought on here about going away with them as they do generally have a bit of a different parenting approach. Not better or worse but different. I'd need to know I wouldn't let it wind me up!

No - 45 mins to 1 hour is long time for an active 4.5 yr old boy to sit still IMO and IME.

'tbh i love my kids
but after half an hour i dont want to talk star wars any more'

Oh God, the boys are completely infatuated with blardy Star Wars atm!

Ds can sit infront of a dvd for 45 mins, no trouble. Add another 2 hours to that , and it still isn't a problem.
Plus SOME children are not that much older than 4.5 when they start school. Ds will only be 4.7 when he starts in Sept. Do they not sit still for 45 mins then ?

I'm not sure they sit still for 45 mins at a time in reception....could be wrong but I doubt it.

I don't think they sit for 45 mins in reception.

Know what you mean about Star Wars Novice- ds2 can talk about it for hours. DS3 calls is Star Horse.

It's made a big difference BK for all of us. Took him out for a few hours today to blow away some cobwebs. We walked to the middle of nowhere and ate gluten free jammy dodgers today. The main problem I have is turning him around to go home.

You are lucky then, Oblomov.

Not all children are the same as yours.

And no, they are not all expected to sit for 45 minutes in reception. 15 minutes MAX

Oh I thought all children loved dvd's Colditz. Just mine that will watch tv ALL DAY, when I am not feeling well then . I do appreciate that I am lucky, actually. should remind myself of this more though.

sitting still for 45 mins listening to someone talk and sitting still watching a film are completely different. My son could lie on the sofa all day and watch films/tv with the odd jump around but not sitting and politely chatting.

Mine won't sit and watch films for more than 10 minutes. Frankly, neither will I, it's boring.

We ran into this problem at a mate's house actually, her kids wanted a film on and ds1 wandered off after 5 minutes complaining that nobody would play with him.

my dd 4.5 will happily sit in a restaurant for about an hour sometimes 2. She has been taught to sit still from an early age. We eat out fairly reguarly so maybe that is the reason.Does you frinds child go out for dinner alot?
We went out for dinner once with neighbours pre kids and I was shocked how the kids ran around a restaurant. I think it was then I decided my dc wouldnt do that.

IMO it takes training like crossing the road etc ..time and repitition.

Either that or I am supernanny

Ds2 can't sit still for DVDs either. We have a mini-trampoline thingy in the house and he usually bounces up and down on it or hangs upside down from the handle while watching.

From what I've seen of his school they don't expect them to sit still for 45 minutes there either. The longest period seems to be during school assemblies.

IME it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that your child does/doesn't do something purely because of the way you have brought them up. Personality plays a big part.

Many children are 'spirited' and there's no way on earth they would sit still for that long. Including both of mine.

Widgypog, it has nothing to do with training, and all to do with personality. Both mine have been regularly going to restaurants from teeny, tiny babies. that you imply it's the parents' fault