Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Yes, I know, it just makes me laugh...it's so erm, novel!

(ps suicide, kill baby etc comment of mine above a bit too flippant for the thread, sorry... although of course a lot of parents do feel like that sometimes and then it's best to leave the room - crying alone won't harm babies as much as a parent can if in too much of a state.)

umm, if I'd gone back to work at 2 wks I don't think my mental health (such as it was) would have improved much. I'd have gone postal, probably.
Isn't it lovely, how different we all are?
Such is the glory of MN [hums nervously]

Yes, people differ. I do remember who relieved we both were when she was 3 weeks old closing the door at 8am and that someone else would be dealing with that gorgeous but constantly crying bundle for the next 10 hours and we became adults again, got a break, could even snooze on the train.

I haven't read all the threads so forgive me if someone has already said this, but we found it was vital to do shifts. There was absolutely no point in both of us pacing the floor in the middle of the night so, apart from moral support when needed (on the very bad nights), one of us did the baby and the other one went as far away as possible to try to sleep. Then, we'd swop. Likewise, one would be on duty in the evenings while the other got an early night, and that person got a lie-in the next morning.

Thank goodness we are all different - we wouldn't want to turn into the stepford wives would we?? For example, I couldn't do co-sleeping - tried it, hated it and can't see the attraction. I couldn't sleep with wriggly, snoring baby next to me, terrified i would crush him!!! However, i know lots of people on here and in RL who swear by it....each to there own i say.

How are you doing NL and Becky, sleeping i hope

one thing i found really helped was getting out in the daylight as much as possible
it doesn't make any practical difference for the first few weeks, but it starts telling their pineal gland (or whatever), that day is for light and serotonin, and that night is for dark and melatonin (the sleep hormone)
once DS got to 7 weeks, he was sleeping from 1am to about 7am, which felt like luxury!
he started waking 2 or 3 times in the night at 5 months, but he was ready for solids then
he was exclusively BF, and has always been a good sleeper
i think if he hadn't had those weeks of sleeping for 6 hours, we'd have been knackered
just leaving the building every day and seeing the outside world is vital, and it speeds up the day/night wake/sleep ordering
you'll feel better in yourself, as well
you'll be reyt! just hang on in there

I haven't read all the threads either but just wanted to offer a message of support. I to have just been through exactly the same thing- constantly crying baby, breast feeding going wrong, arguments with dh. My dd is now 4 months and, although still needy, whingey and a terrible sleeper, smiles and laughs and makes it all worthwhile. I cried constantly for about six weeks and just beat myself up continually- thinking that I was a terrible mother and had made a huge mistake. WHat really helped for me was to get out for a walk every day even if I just didn't have the energy to get dressed- the baby will usually sleep (and look angelic), you get some fresh air and all the cute toddlers on their bikes remind you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep repeating to yourself 'it does get better' and remember you WILL start enjoying it at some point

Oh gosh - your thread brought back some memories for me - it's feels pretty cr.ppy doesn't it! It's shocking, exhausting, appalling all at the same time - you kind of lose yourself for a while.....but you come back, the baby seems less 'alien', the feeding, sleeping lark improves and slowly but surely the whole thing just gets better. A few years later and you find yourself with 3 children, dolling out advice and wishing, pining for a 4th!!!

Thanks everyone. Where would I be without this lifeline to vent? Going rapidly insane without it by now, I am sure.

Just grabbing quick breakfast (not that I'm hungry - too wired) before sterilising bottles while baby is asleep (hooray). Dreadful, awful night. Got sick feeling in pit of my stomach about night closing in again tonight. HOWEVER:

New coping strategy: HOLD ON TO THE GOOD STUFF.

1. We have a strong, healthy baby - his lungs are telling us this much!
2. I have a supportive (if knackered) partner
3. My parents will be here in just over a week
4. As you all keep telling me... THIS BIT WILL NOT LAST
5. My confidence will grow as the baby does.

I just have to dig deep and go with it for now. Parenthood, I am discovering, makes you find inner strength you never knew you had.

Somebody also said to me once (or did I read it in 'Hello!' that they had an awful time of it to start with, with their first baby, because they were so focused on what they had lost, instead of what they had gained. I hold on to that. As I look around the wrecked house and study the bags under my eyes and my dressing gown covered in puke that I haven't been able to get out of for days, I tell myself that in just a few weeks we will get our first smile, first happy gurgle etc. The crying may be no better but surely it will start to feel like I have gained something rather than lost a rather nice way of life by then...?

Back to the bottles. Thank you thank you thank you for keeping posting. x

Keep going NL, you're doing brilliantly!
Once you have had a decent night's kip (and your definition of that will change now, I now think 8am is a huge lazy lie-in!) it will all start to look a bit clearer and not as bad as it does at 3am.
Everything looks bad at 3am when you haven't slept yet.

I do want to say that you are being so open and honest about how you are feeling which is great, so many of us hide how we feel these first few weeks and only admit to it months later. I agree with others who think this thread should be saved and referred to by all new mothers.

I agree chirpygirl. I never admitted how I felt at the time. I suppose it's the guilt and the not knowing if you really are the only one who feels it. I think we've all established that if anyone says they enjoyed the first couple of months- they're bloody liars!

First baby, first few weeks, like being hit by a truck (for both of you). Dh and I did that rabbit in headlights thing for days. It does get better - baby gets easier, you both get more experienced/less anxious.

Didn't someone once say that having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage?

By the way if one day you get the mad idea of doing it all again, baby number two's early days are not nearly so terrifying (I remember when DD1 was tiny I grabbed the midwife by the lapels and screamed 'how will I ever cope with 2!!!) By the time they arrive your spirit is already crushed you see...

joking!

NL and Becky, you are both doing fantastically - no one else in the world can do the job of mum to your LO as well as you can.

I also found co-sleeping to be very hard to get on with - DS1 kept me awake with all his little baby snorting and snuffles. I also wanted some time away from him as the BF was going so badly. The tips on the tweaking routine posted above seem really sensible to me along with the suggestion to get the baby outdoors so that the LO learns that daylight is different to nighttime.

Other advice is to hang in there - the first 6 weeks is the worst as you are giving SO much to the little one and you get nothing back. When they can smile at you, you will feel so much better and able to bond with your LO.

Otherwise, you can just content yourself with imagining how you can embarass them in front of their friends when they are teenagers - so much scope to get them back!!

Haven't read all the posts, but just wanted to let you know that we have been there too, although my family were nearby and helped a lot. I have so much admiration for you for coping with this on your own - and you are coping! I definitely cried my way through the first few weeks as our ds was extremely colicky and had silent reflux. But somehow, things just got better. TAke turns, lots of walks(when you're feeling up to it), see as many people as possible if only to take your mind off the baby (they will all offer to hold him for a bit).
Just get through this week. Definitely try and find out whether there is any support group/baby clinic/health visitor that can help in your area.
And make sure your dp makes lots of healthy food for you (even though you're not bf).
Sending lots of hugs

Hi Nl,

I'm a sydneysider, but living in Canberra now, so not really close enough to help I'm afraid. But at least I'm in the same time zone! I have some pregnant friends in sydney but none with babies in your area (i'm the first of my group of friends to have a child).

There are tons of great suggestions here, but just a few more... Have you joined a mothers group? I understand that in sydney they put you in a group with all the other mothers in your area who had babies within two weeks of you. It sounds like a great system, and maybe it would help you out.

What kind of dummy are you using? I found that the fancy orthodontic ones just slipped out. The only ones my ds could keep in his mouth were the happy baby dummies. You find them at chemists and BigW. They're pretty much the cheapest ones but they are always rated top in safety tests.

As for shifts, I found when DS was a newborn that it was better for me to do the night shift all the time. I was bfing, so it was unavoidable, but even if you're not (and I wouldn't feel bad about that at all!) you will probably be woken up by the baby before dh anyway. IMO, men simply do not have the same urgency to get out of bed and go to a baby. My dh was able to sleep through my clumsy attempts to feed, change and settle baby in bedroom with all the lights on. So, if dh gets to sleep all night he should be able to look after you and baby during the day. Make him take baby out so you can sleep in a quiet house.

Things will be sooo much better when your family visit - just hold out till then.

Hi, you could have been me 17 months ago!

I am from the UK, and had been living in Melbourne for 2 years at the time of the birth of our son (so no family support on either side).

I am not going to diagnose you with PND over the internet but you are showing some of the key signs so I think it's important that you do go and see your GP to talk about it and sooner rather than later.

Yes every new mother feels a degree of worry and suffers sleep deprivation but what you describe sounds like anxiety (that sick, lurching feeling in your stomach) and insomnia which was the main symptom for me (I didn't at the time realise anxiety and insomnia = PND!) People said to me 'sleep when the baby sleeps' but I was so wired with worry that I simply couldn't and it was at that point (about 5 weeks in) that I realised i needed help. With no family support I entered a Mother and Baby Unit (these don't really exist in the UK) which was great for me as I was properly diagnosed, treated and things got slowly better from there. Now life as a mother is wonderful and after saying I would NEVER have another child I am due our second in July!!! This was inconceivable to me this time last year.

You may or may not need this level of support but you sound like you need more than a shoulder to cry on and it is better to get yourself checked out than carry on and crash.

I was terrified of being diagnosed with PND as I thought it resigned me to the loony bin for life, it does not. PND is just another medical condition like diabetes and it sucks if you are unlucky enough to get it.

Oh yes and Happy Baby dummies are rather ugly but are the best for staying in - try Coles.

Hang in there, go see your GP and good luck. Let us know how you get on.

PPxx

Yes, the Mother and Baby units are good to know about. There's Karitane in sydney, it's meant to be very good. No shame in going either - about half of the mums I know have visited the one here. In fact, I recently read an article that said that over a period in which 42 000 babies were born in Canberra (can't remember the period, just the number), 20 000 mothers visited the unit. It just shows how many people feel like you.

Please don't be too quick to diagnose yourself with anything. What you are going through is called an 'acute stress reaction'- an entirely normal reaction to having your entire life turned upside down! I am involved with diagnosing and treating people with PND in the job that I do. I went through all the same symptoms- paralysing anxiety, complete inability to sleep, constant crying- and really thought that I was heading in that direction. The difference between a stress reaction and PND is that as things start getting better and more manageable you start feeling better too. At six weeks I started getting a bit more sleep and gradually things started looking a little less bleak. If things don't improve at all by then then start getting concerned- otherwise reassure yourself by looking at all the other posts that SO many of us have been through the same thing. Really thinking about you and sending supportive vibes Down Under.

Neuroticalady, not sure if you'll see this as the thread's a few days old. But I just wanted to say that the first weeks are HIDEOUS. My DD is now 4 months and I started to get some joy from her at about 12 weeks before then it was a cloud of crying, sleep depravation, colic, tears (me ALOT), arguments with DH about my parenting ability etc etc the list goes on. I felt so shit I went to the docs and I actually had PND, I'm not saying you have that but I'm just saying I know how you feel, I really do and if only I'd known that the feelings you have right now were normal I'd have felt better I think. Also your comment about congratulations cards really hit home, that made me feel a thousand times worse!

Things that helped us:

using a dummy - she loved sucking, and this stopped the crying alot of the time

sleeping when she did

getting a vague routine going just so I felt like I had some control over my life

going for walks, she slept in the pram and I got some vitamin D, very good for you I think

in retrospect I'd have co-slept but I was hell bent on getting her to sleep in her basket which she hated with a passion.

When I decided not to fight it but just go with it and have faith that things would get better they very quickly started to.

Also just accept that 'natural parents' are rare, everyone is completely hit by the overwhelming fear that comes with this tiny little person.

Hang in there, I can honestly say that my DD is the very best thing in the entire world to ever have happened to us, my DH and I don't argue about her now and I just absolutely adore her. But it took me a good 7 weeks to 'bond' - all that bonding crap really did my head in too, feeling negative about your baby is totally normal.

Take care, hang in there and keep talking to DH. Take one day at a time.

Hi Neuroticlady, Not sure if you'll read this but I just wanted to offer a bit of support - I've only read the first and last page of messages but I get the sense that although these messages are very supportive I felt depressed reading that you'll could be like this for weeks, months or even a year, I don't know how you feel about that?? My DS is coming up 8 months now and is great fun and has been for months. They are a joy from the beginning, it is a massive shock and the lack of sleep is horrendous, but you need to realise that it is all as new to baby as it is to you and your partner. Don't fret about things you think you "should" be doing ie breastfeeding, feeling madly in love etc - do what makes you feel comfortable, after a few days of getting to know the baby you will start to like it, then love it and amazingly even after a week or so you can see their little personality shining through! I know it is a cliche but be ruled by your instinct, don't sleep when your baby is sleeping because you feel you should, if you feel you want to tidy, read, watch tv, eat or whatever then do that instead, chances are you'll relax more that way anyway - but obviously when you want/need to sleep do that too!!! Honestly this phase will be over very quickly and if it is not accept that it is ok and perfectly normal - the worst thing you can do is put pressure on yourself, if what you feel you are doing is right then it most likely is!!!!! I think 6 weeks is the magic number going by all my friends with babies - but each day from the day they are born it gets easier!

You described almost exactly my first few weeks of being a new mum. I cried for the first couple of weeks, thought I was losing my mind and started to make plans for when I had PND and was unable to look after my baby. But actually it was 'just' 'baby blues', (I hate that belittling term, it doesn't nearly describe the devastation I experienced) exhaustion, shock .... I battled with bf (only the best for my baby - ironic LOL!) but eventually accepted that Breast is only best if it works for Mum and Baby. If both of you end up in tears before/during the feed - Its just not best anymore. Things will get better. Do what you have to to get through this difficult time - it is temporary, it will pass.

I forgot to say have a bath, get dressed, put some make up on, put baby in the pram or sling and go for a walk and if you can manage it a coffee! It will make you feel human again for a while and baby will sleep!!!