Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Not that I want this thread to decend into a leave them to cry don't leave them to cry argument but a couple of people have suggested leaving a week old baby to cry (10 mins then another 10/ 15 minutes in one case) and I'm about this. The baby has literaly just left her womb, it's probably crying because it's not keen on this new world so leaving him seems more than a little harsh. It's different if you just need a couple of minutes for some head space and the strength to carry on but not just to establish a routine at one week.

NL, well done. Why did you wake him to feed at 4am? You should be getting some shut eye if he's letting you

how did it go today nl?

hi there ladies - apologies for lack of capitals and punctuation - one handed typing.

i am sitting here with a huge splitting headache from crying really hard and every time i think im ok i start again.
i feel exactly the same as neuroticlady. my dd is 3 weeks old today. she sleeps well during the day but the evenings and nights are awful. i am sitting here just wanting to curl up quietly with my dh and not have to look after a baby. i feel like a milk cow and this morning just don't want to feed dd. i want my old life back at the moment and i feel so awful as this baby was and is wanted but i just don't feel i can cope today. i went to bed v tired at 10pm last night. my normally calm dh wasn't in a great mood which is unlike him. i had expressed a 4oz feed for first time which he gave dd at 10.30. she refused to settle til nearly 4am. she would go to sleep on me then when i put her back in her basket she'd wake up and scream and this went round and round and round.

neuroticladys posts made me feel better and made me cry more. i feel so guilty but at the moment this just isn't any fun whatsoever. this is the worst day i've had and am almost beside myself not knowing what to do. i know i need sleep but she doesn't seem to be settling and when she does i curl up on sofa, just start to relax then she wakes up.

i am glad so many people have been through this and reassure it will get better but right now 6 weeks or even 12 seems a long way away. i'm not sure quite how i'll get there... xxx

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this Becky. I felt exactly the same, not that it's any help to you to know that! Have you got a close friend or relative nearby that could come and watch your DD while you have a sleep? Is your DH home at the weekend? Can he take on an expressed night feed?

At the moment I'd say you should give into your DDs nocturnal habits as far as possible and sleep when she sleeps during the day. And take it one day at a time. Don't overload your brain. xxx

Becky (and NL) take it one day at a time. The first 3 or 4 weeks were the worst weeks of my life by a long way. I've not adjusted to motherhood as well as I thought I would and it's been a hell of a learing curve but you struggle through, somehow, and it does get better. Don't think in timelines though because if you reach the milestone and your situation is the same you'll feel even more resentful.

Becky, If you're bf'ing have you thought about co-sleeping see if that settles the lo. We bought a bed rail and slept baby, mummy, daddy while I was bf'ing and it really was a life saver for me.

Becky, does it help you to know you and I are going through EXACTLY the same thing together? Lack of contact from me due to baby going

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

for the past three hours non-stop, causing me to not sleep during the only precious time off I will get until daybreak (my turn to take him off DH after midnight, it's 10.30p, now). DH cracking after being so good for so long. So now our relationship is getting shot to pieces and he's yelling at me to go get some sleep but how the fuck am I meant to sleep through that noise and knowing he's coping alone? It feels like slow torture. It is shit, stressful, horrendous, but we're going through this TOGETHER, It helps me to think that way, anyway. I'd better go but everyone PLEASE keep posting, including Becky. Maybe one day in the coming weeks/months we will be able to look back at this moment in time and smile that we made it through... xx

NL, haven't managed to read all of this but does anything at all settle your DS? Will he sleep on your or DH's chest? Honestly, do what ever it takes. Have you investigated reflux / cows milk intollerance?

PS My relationship with DH took and absolute battering in the first year. It's a very very difficult time as a couple but stay strong, when you're calm talk rationally and openly about how you feel etc and you will pull through. You may both react wildly and irrationally at times but you can always say sorry and try and make up for it.

Also, have slings been mentioned? Godsend for hands free baby holding.

The one thing I have to advocate everytime I come across one of these threads (Yes, they are extremely common, it is totally normal to feel like this, much less normal than not feeling ths way!) is co-sleeping.

It's fab, means baby will sleep and you can too, especially if baby won't settle without you.

With DS I tried and tried and tried to get him to sleep, but everytime I put him down he screamed when I started co-sleeping it was more accidental than anything, I got into bed stroking his face, willing and begging him to sleep, when I woke up it was a few hours later and we had both been asleep, he still was, but it scared me that I could've rolled on him so I did a bit of research into it and found out what I mustn't do if I wanted to co-sleep etc and it felt like my sleep problems disappeared almost at the drop of a hat (in reality they didn;t, I was still only getting about 5ish hours a night, but 5 from 0 is WOW!).

What starlight says about you fitting into baby's routine and not baby fitting into yours is great advice, baby needs feeding every few hours because of how small their tummy is, you don't need to do much at a certain time. If you find you're sleeping all day and awake all night, work round it, I used to do my algebra and cook lasagnes at about at 4am becaue I knew baby wouldnt sleep.
That way the next day when baby slept all afternoon so could I and I'd just shove the lasagne in the oven for when DP got home!

Message withdrawn

I think several people have raised a point that I'd really agree with...

It took me ages to get used to the fact that I was going to have a "vampire" like existence for a few weeks..

I wanted to be awake in the day and asleep at night because that's what I was used to and what the rest of the world was doing..it did feel very very lonely being awake all night by myself..and it felt like it was going to last for EVER!

Everything seems worse at night. But if you gear up for the night having somehow stocked up some sleep during the day and expecting NOT to sleep all night at least you are prepared a bit..

of course it's hard to sleep while your baby is screaming and that's what proves that you are a good and loving mother because those cries are programmed to distress you and make you come running..

I used to during teh day take DD's out in the pram for a long walk and then leave them sleeping in the hall and try and sleep myself.

If I couldn't sleep I would at least lie down and try and watch tv, anything to stop the brain madly ticking over..

I also found it hard to sleep during my "slots" before the next feed. I found if girls were sleeping I'd force myself to read a few pages of a book - it at least distracted my brain a little..it is horrible the feeling that you will be woken up suddenly but once you accept that it will get easier..

completely agree with co-sleeping at this stage being useful too...at least you are lying down and your baby can see you/smell you/feel near to you which will help him settle...

I really really believed that my children would NEVER EVER sleep and this phase would never ever end - but it will! I am sat here now with two 2.6 year olds who sleep through every night! Try to focus on the immediate minute and not the future which should help your feeelings stop spiralling out of control into blind panic and anxiety..

Hope you can manage to get some sleep soon - is there anyone who can come and help you both? My Dh slept in the spare room at nights with earplugs in and then helped out during teh day - it was hard at the time but at least having one of you who had had some sleep really helped reduce the rows...your brain is much more programmed to hear cries as well so he should be able to switch off better than you and get some sleep..

You probably know (but no one told me until week 2) that babies are programmed to feed more at night because that's when your milk supplies naturally build up and the feeding helps stimulate this..

so there is science behind their nocturnal waking as far as I remember!

Get some earplugs and use them when it is your turn to sleep. Your dh wil feel better if you have some sleep.

If you do want to consider co-sleeping www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp, here and here are the best pages I've found for informtaion on it.
Take a read through before you make any decisions.
It may also be possible to side-car, which is what I'm planning on doing this time, basically, take on side off the cot, and push it right up next to your bed so that the mattresses are level and baby can sleep next to you, but in their own cot, you can still be close enough to cuddle and feed, but IMO it feels safer than having them in your bed. Can also help ease the transition from mothers bed to own cot.

Oops, first link messed up, sorry, it's here

I would often fall asleep with the crying one attached to my nipple. Loads of mothers do that although I didn't really find it got me more sleep to be honest. We did shifts like you and your husband are doing which helped a bit. And my idea above of going to work, hiring child care etc is what saves most of us with the money to afford that. Some people hire a maternity nurse to do the nights bring the baby to feed on you and then she takes it away and settles it but we could never afford it and I never wanted anyone living in but it saves some people's lives at this stage.

You can also hire sleep consultants too.

Another thing I wish I'd tried was cranial oseteopathy - the baby's head might be hurting from the birth so having it dealt with can sometimes stop the crying right away.

I got far too tired to think about the other half coping alone - why shouldn't he cope alone? The secret of my long marriage (well it lasted 19 years) was ear plugs. Also get him to drive the child out in the car if you have a car whilst you get to sleep. Babies like being joggled around in a car. In the UK we have some super markets open all night and you do get parents out there at 1 or 3am with the crying baby just to have the break and change of scene.

psst, Xenia, i think i read further below that the OP's budget doesn't stretch to maternity nurse, sleep consultant, etc.

Hi Becky,

3 weeks old you say - she's probably having a growth spurt so needs more to eat but if bfing, it isn't as immediate as adding extra 1oz to a bottle so it can take a couple of days for your supply to increase to meet the increased demands. this happens every 3 weeks or so for about 24 hours. I remember it well and partly wished i was not bfing. The first few weeks are very hard hence why we have fully paid mat leave for at least a few weeks!!! I would add support to dummies, slings, going out for walks, rest even if you don't sleep and EAR PLUGS!!!!!

NL well done for getting ds to sleep in his bassinet for a few hours the other night - he can do it bless him xxx just goes to show you DO know what you're doing. Reading your posts, i can hear how much effort, mental and physical you are putting into caring for him - you wouldnt be doing all of the things you're doing if you weren't a 'good enough' mum. that's all i aim for is to be good enough, sometimes i fail but i like to think that at least i try to do my best. you can't get it right all the time and you'll beat yourself up all the time if you think you should know how to look after him perfectly.

Best of luck to you both.

Dear Neuroticlady

I know exactly how it feels. I am Zimbabwean, based in the UK but with all my family in Australia. Know how horribly cut off you must feel and how alone. Where in Australia are you? Fortunately I had my Mom and Dad arrive the same day as our DD arrived. I could not have coped without them (could not walk for a week!).Our baby also had to be taken toi hospital for nappy rash. Phone your Mom and get her to change her ticket to come earlier if at all possible. It is a foul time the first 6 weeks but does get better after that. I had cried 3 times in an 8 year marriage only to cry most of the day all day for 6 weeks after DD arrived. Every day they get older the more fun they become!

Hang in there!

I didn't read all 196 messages, so someone may have already said this - but just you wait for that first smile - it knocks you sideways.
But I think it starts getting good at around 4 months - sleep pattern is a bit more regular, as is feeding and baby is that chubby, grinning thing you dreamt of. My dd (second baby) is at that stage now. She was devil child for the first four months, now she's so smiley - dh and I can't stop making little films of her bouncing in her door bouncer or rolling over (new trick)!
I was just the same - I wanted a baby so so much and when ds arrived I felt such a mix of dissapointment and bewilderment. He's going to be two tomorrow and life just gets better and better.
A couple of tips -

1. stop thinking about 'getting your life back' - it'll never be what it was - you have a new, and most likely much better life in front of you.
2. If you can't handle the screaming, put your baby somewhere safe (like in his cot) leave the room and scream or put your head under a pillow so you can't hear him - just for ten minutes.
3. When you're ready, get out and meet as many people as possible. MN is brill, but having real friends with babies the same age is invaluable - especially when your family isn't around.
4. Keep tabs on how you're feeling. If you're worried, do speak to someone - post natal depression is very common and you can get help.

Good luck! Oh, and take photos of him wailing and you looking miserable -I only took photos of those moments of happiness, and got pregnant again when ds was 11 months old because I remembered it being a breeze!!!

And I back up the co-sleeping.
And if you and dh do take turns - we did that. One would sleep on the sofa while the other looked after baby in 3 hour shifts - I have one recommendation - EARPLUGS! Even when you're looking after the baby, you can still hear them through the earplugs, but not so loudly.

OK, a voice from the other side of the fence, just in case the new mums are at all interested. The thought of cosleeping was abhorrent to me when I was very low. I think it must be lovely if you can do it/want to do it that way, I really do: but for me -- no way. I desperately needed a break/time alone.

There are tweaks you can make, even with a newborn, to try to guide him/her to being awake more during the day so they/you sleep more at night. Tweak 1 is: get him/her up at the same time every day. Tweak 2 is: put him/her down for daytime naps no later I'm thinking about newborns here than two hours after s/he woke up. And bedtime is 12 hrs after you started the day.

This was the rough pattern I did with my two from 8am-8pm. At this age they were having about 3 or 4 naps a day, but they were also awake for a fair whack.

It did work for us, nights were always from very early on less eventful (ahem) than days. We kept the bedroom very dark/quiet at night too which helped them settle back.

Of course this isn't for everyone. But there are things you can do if you're minded that way, just to encourage a baby to get onside

I just love that Xenia always advises going back to work at 2 weeks to escape the baby.

I did advise a good few other things too and it's what most men do and if it's suicide, kill baby, PND kind of cannot carry on must take a break then surely getting back to work is the best solution of all and you get paid for it! Paid to get a break from the constantly crying baby.