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Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

722 replies

neuroticlady · 12/02/2008 12:32

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
mellowma · 13/02/2008 14:34

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FlossieT · 13/02/2008 14:35

neuroticlady, you've had so much good advice and support on here, but I want to add one more vote to the "yes, this is completely normal" pile. Unfortunately my Aussie friend with kids has moved out of Sydney or I'd put you in touch...

We had a terrible time with DS1. He had quite a traumatic birth and a nasty time of it in hospital, plus I was exhausted after a long labour, PLUS DH and I were both very young and totally without a clue as to what we were doing. In fact, DS1 used to get a particular look on his face at especially bad moments which we read as, "OMG - who are these total novices?? Somebody help me!!"

Anyway, my thoughts, for what they're worth:

Sleeping when the baby sleeps is VERY VERY IMPORTANT. I didn't figure this one out until my third. The temptation is to run around doing all the stuff it's hard to do with a baby in your arms. Just don't - it'll keep - sleep is far more important.

If you are the sort of person that finds it very stressful to be surrounded by mess, try finding one small area or job (the kitchen sink, the coffee table, the washing up...) to focus on. Make sure it's done, and then pat yourself on the back extensively once you've done it. For some people, the feeling of being out of control of the housework is actually very draining. And if you're not one of those people - you have the full permission of the many people who have posted on this thread to let it go

Do be a little wary of people who say, "It will all get better at x point in time" - because if it doesn't, you may feel worse. Babies (not to mention parents) are unique, and not all of them figure things out at the same rate.

Trust how you feel when deciding what to do. Really. By all means read baby books and pick up tips, but don't feel the need to follow it to the letter if it's not working. Not all methods work for all babies, and you are the best judge.

Getting out of the house, even if only for a trot round the block, is a great idea. And if you can get as far as a mother-and-baby/toddler group, even better. As a rule, mums like nothing more than a lady with a newborn baby we can coo over

Remember to eat regular meals and drink plenty. Sounds obvious but so easy to forget. Being hungry can also make you feel low.

It is still possible to cuddle up to your baby for a formula feed if BFing really hasn't worked out for you. And it does have the not-insignificant advantage that you can give a bottle to a friend or family member and get some extra kip.

I also second what Meeely2 says about walking away when it gets too much. It will not harm your baby to put him in his crib our of earshot for five minutes while you calm down if it is all getting too much. In fact, sometimes it can be a positive help to the baby, if the root cause is overstimulation.

Possibly not true for everyone, but we underestimate massively the amount we needed to burp our baby, and mistook an awful lot of windy cries for hungry cries. So do always consider this as a possible cause of crying; also try different styles of burping, as some babies are more possessive of their tummy bubbles than others...

Definitely warm up the sheet before you put the baby down if you can, and even better, put something in his cot that smells of you. We used to tuck a muslin across the mattress at head height to catch any night-time possetting, and I usually carried it around tucked under my top until it was time for the baby to go down. Swaddling has also worked well for us, particularly if you cuddle the baby for a good few minutes after he's swaddled so he warms up and feels secure.

Finally, PND. Probably different for everyone that's had it, but what worked for me was talking - not to a trained therapist, but to my health visitor (not sure if they have those in Australia?), who was simply incredible. She also arranged for a nursery nurse to come round once a week for an hour or so when things were really bad, to give me a little bit of space to sleep or just put my feet up and have a cup of tea and a read. I did eventually go on ADs, but at a very low dose; they made a big difference, got me over a bump, and coming off them was a lot easier than I had feared.

Good luck, and remember that we are all rooting for you!

FlossieT · 13/02/2008 14:36

Oops . Sorry that was so long....

becaroo · 13/02/2008 14:38

Some really great advice on here.....

Bearing in mind your babies ventouse delivery...perhaps cranial osteopathy might be a good idea? Or baby massage? My ds LOVED to be massaged!

This thread is really bringing it all back am currently expecting mumber 2

Please remember that you and your baby are to all intents and purposes strangers to each other and although there is the hormonal bond, the emotional stuff takes time...you will get to know his cries and likes and dislikes soon I promise!

You are a star!

sagitta · 13/02/2008 14:39

I haven't read all the posts, neurotic lady, but I really do feel for you. It was definitely the worst time of my life. Top tips: Walk away for a minute or two when you feel you can't cope any more - (that was life saving for both me and LO!)
When you get to about week 3, you'll feel better able to go out without crying/ appearing to be bonkers, so join mums groups.
Forget: washing, cleaning, tidying - anything except basic survival for the three of you.
Remember that your hormones are shot to shit, so take it all with a pinch of salt.
Your problem has also nicely focused me for April, when DC2 will be born...by which time, you'll be happily discussing 3 month milestones, and totally in love with your LO. I will be sleep deprived and wondering if I will ever love my baby!

becaroo · 13/02/2008 14:40

I also second flossies post on PND....I suffered for 17 months before I got help!

StarlightMcKenzie · 13/02/2008 14:51

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NorthernLurker · 13/02/2008 14:56

I found this in a very quick search - from 2006 "He started to cry and spent the next 5 months crying!! No joke. He only slept around 6 - 8 hours per day . Saw various paediatricians who said I just had a crying baby who didn't need much sleep! Like I needed someone qualified to tell me that!! Was described by a HV as "the most irrtable, restless baby" she had ever seen. I was ready to run away, when a GP suggested cranial osteopathy. I was very sceptical. But, after two treatments, he settled right down and slept through the night. Osteopath actually told us during his 2nd visit that we would see a dramatic difference in his sleeping after that treatment - and she was right!! She said traumatic birth(particularly ventouse and forceps) can cause problems like Ds had. Has slept through the night ever since - in fact he's a fantastic sleeper. " - I think cranial osteopathy could be worth a look!

Judy1234 · 13/02/2008 14:59

I only read the first post. Our first child hardly slept. I am afraid I went back to work when she was 2 weeks old full time (she's 23 years old now, the first of our five) and that save our sanity! To leave her with the nanny and get on that tube, to read the paper for 30 minutes, to sit in an office where people serve you, to deal with interesting work, to be able to pace yourself at a desk and then after the 10 hours break from the screaming baby to get home was just a complete life safer. So that's one option for you.

Another is all the stuff we found helped like hoovering with her in the sling, sleeping when she did (which wasn't often). I would have her until about 10 when I went to be dand then her father held her (usually crying) between 10 and mid night. We kind of did shift (except I fed her until she was at least 1 so I did that bit and expressed milk at work).

Or hire a maternity nurse if you can afford it.

Meeely2 · 13/02/2008 15:31

neuroticlady, is he asleep?

Meeely2 · 13/02/2008 15:39

er, this may be a bit controversial, but have you tried a bedtime routine yet? Admittedly my dt's were already eight weeks old when i got them home, but really and truly it was still 3 weeks before their due date, so were tiny. We did bath bottle bed at about 7/8pm every night.....and it took a few weeks but eventually they learned how to self settle and would go to bed awake without needing to be soothed. I think the fact we had a routine kept me sane during the day (well sane ish) knowing that come 7 they would be upstairs - admittedly crying, but away from me! (and btw you can turn your baby monitor onto silent and just watch the lights - it's easier to leave them for 5 mins than if you were actually listening).

I found that my babies at least needed to know what was coming next, they were happier knowing "oh it's bathtime, guess that means i'm going to bed soon"....some people may not agree with me though.

MyEye · 13/02/2008 15:49

well, I agree with you, anyway, Meeely . I did a rough routine from v v early, it was the only thing I could hold onto, really. But hey: of course others will think this a terrible suggestion [more frenzied winking].

gingerninja · 13/02/2008 16:17

Personally I'd say no to routines just because it sent me potty trying to establish one. Some babies aren't that keen on fitting into your idea of a routine and the more you try the more upset it can make you if it's not working. By all means give it a go but don't stress if it doesn't work

sandyballs · 13/02/2008 16:23

One thing I would say, from reading all your posts NL, is don't be too hard on yourself. I get the feeling you are, big time. Your body has been through a very very traumatic time, not only giving birth, but also with the breast cancer. Cut yourself some slack.

I know it's very difficult if you have that kind of personality, where you have read the books, and want everything to be lovely and rosy with baby slotting neatly into your life. I know because I have that type of personality too .

We also tried for a long time for a baby - nearly 4 years - and were on the verge of giving up and doing something else like travelling, when I fell pregnant. 8 months later twin girls came along. We should have been overjoyed, but those first few weeks were horrendous. I vividly remember staring blankly at these little wrinkly pink things and wondering if I'd be at all bothered if someone came and took them away, for good. No, not at all, I'd think, I'd love it, we'd get our life back and everything would be great again, we'd go travelling after all . The guilt I felt was immense, where was the rush of love, the bonding, that I'd read so much about, heard so much about. What was wrong with me. What a heartless cow, to not love these two helpless babies that we'd waited so long for.

Please be reassured, like everyone else has said on here, that this phase doesn't last. It's very very normal (I have since found out, I didn't have Mumsnet then!). In a few weeks you will love your son so much it will be overwhelming. It just takes some adjusting, but you will get there.

It doesn't matter if you're not breast feeding, or he's falling alseep on you, or he has a dummy ..... do what suits you and your family. It's a very individual thing, but you will get there and you will start to enjoy him.

Best of luck.

NorthernLurker · 13/02/2008 16:30

I'm hoping the silence from down under means NL is asleep

neuroticlady · 13/02/2008 18:13

hi everyone, 5am here and quick update - more onehanded typing, sorry. at 1.30am as i said i bit the bullet and put him down in his bassinet after heating the mattress with a wheat pack - and he stayed asleep! [smile [smile . i didn't get much sleep stupidly as i was constantly waiting for him to wake and scream - somehow less crushing if you are already awake to hear it, than if you've just started drifting off and you're jolted awake by screams.

am about to try my luck again after having to wake him at 4am to feed. yes i would love to get him into a routine but just trying to lower my expectations about all this - in fact everything to do with him - right now, just surviving each day and night.

ok here we go. feel so much less on my own with mumsnetters cheering me on...

OP posts:
chiefcookandbottlewasher · 13/02/2008 18:26

best of luck for a bit more sleep NL. As you said, small steps, but sending you a quiet cheer and sleep vibes to ds!

clam · 13/02/2008 18:37

I remember clearly wanting to hit the next person who cheerily commented,"one day you'll look back on all of this and smile." Yeah, right. You think this period will never end, and look around at other people's smiley, happy, SLEEPY babies and want to smother them. And wonder how other people ever get out of the house again. But I PROMISE you, it does pass. And frankly, I'm thinking of you with your new-born, and comparing it with the hulking great 2DCs downstairs right now, arguing over the TV, and I think I'd swop you.

MrsBumblebee · 13/02/2008 18:41

Oh god, this was me four months ago. It will get better, I promise. We had a screamer too. First 6 weeks were hellish; then a bit better; then a LOT better at 12 weeks; and now great at 4 months. I know 12 weeks or so feels like a total lifetime away, but you WILL get there.

So hard to give advice, as all babies are different. In our case, cranial osteopathy (after ventouse) made no difference. Looking back, I think tiredness and overstimulation were often DS's problem - remember that tiny babies need lots of calm and sleep, and basically nothing in the way of 'playing' - the whole world is stimulation enough. (We didn't realise this, and tried to hard to distract DS when he cried, which I think made him even more frantic.) In our case DS was also hungry, but I was bfing at the time, so probably not relevant in your case.

My number one piece of advice, as hard as it is, would be not to try too hard to 'solve' your baby. We were constantly living in hope that the next thing we tried would 'cure' DS (would osteopathy help? was it lactose intolerance? reflux?). The truth is, in most cases you will never really get to the bottom of why your baby is screaming - you just need to try to help him/her through it. And also try (REALLY hard, this one) not to wish the time away too much - before you know it you'll have a 3 or 4 month old bouncing boy/girl, and you'll suddenly feel all wistful for your tiny little baby. Next time I (hopefully) have a baby, I'm going to try to say to myself, 'DS/DD will never be 1 hour, 1 day, 1 week old ever again, and I have to try to enjoy him/her in spite of all the difficulties'.

Oh, and another thing - don't get depressed by people/books that say 'trust your instincts, you'll know what your baby needs'. In my case it was total bollocks. I didn't have a clue, and it made me feel like a rubbish mother. But now, 4 months on, I feel like I understand him really well (most of the time!). It just takes time.

Keep coming on MN - it's a lifesaver.

Hang in there, and congratulations, and GOOD LUCK .

newtotheplanet · 13/02/2008 19:07

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carrieon · 13/02/2008 19:27

Hey there NL glad to hear you've had a victory, however small! SOrry you asked a question ages ago and I never answered - I think the done thing if you go in after 10mins and they're still crying is to leave it another 10/15mins. Depends if they're crying or screaming banshee. You can do some gentle patting/shusshing/playing the hairdryer. But I'm not sure and others will be able to advise.
I'm another advocate of routines - we started bedtime routine at 2 weeks old with dd and alhtough it took a while, she absolutely got the hang of it. No matter what happened in the day, however much/little sleep either of us had had, she always has bath/bottle/bed starting at 6:30. Also, once dh went back to work he took over everything from when he got home. Another total lifesaver - I went from thinking 'i've got to do this til midnight' to 'I've got to get through til 5:45pm.' Much more manageable. Of course once he got home I couldn't bear to be away from her, but the fact that she wasn't my sole responsibility made a huge psychological difference.
You are doing really really well, I know you are, even if it doesn't feel like it!
ps, I totally agree with MrsBB on the 'trust your instinct' thing. I've never been a mum before, she's never been a baby. What on earth would possess me to think 'we can work this out'???!

missorinoco · 13/02/2008 19:33

hello.
yes, sounds familiar to me too! hit by a bus is the best analogy i've neard. ds only slept on my (or dh's) chest during the day until 10 weeks. now sleeps in his cot, and goes down awake. (ie, ignore those books that tell you bad habits...)

this is very un pc, but re bf, you tried, and it didn't work. yes, it is great if you can do it, but it's not everything. it's just a tiny part. your baby will benefit far more from having two loving parents,(and you are, even if you don't feel it, it shows) than a bf mother who doesn't care, or neglects her baby.....

extreme example, i know, but it sounds as if you are beating yourself up about this.

waffley (?sp) post, i know, but finally, esp if you aren't bf, have a large glass of something to help you sleep.

(would love to post one of those cunning links to a large glass of wine, but i just don't have the nouse!)

xx

pelafina · 13/02/2008 19:36

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missorinoco · 13/02/2008 19:41

didn't read all posts.
ds also cried, and cried and cried...
it got better after 12 weeks.
but if someone had told me that at your stage i would have run out the door at the thought of 11 more weeks, so to put it in context, it gets better bit by bit.
at about 3 weeks he would spend (brief) periods gazing at me. and at about 6 weeks he started cooing (imagine a demented pidgeon, but it does sound quite cute).
and then he smiles.

and he still cries stupid amounts, but the other bits make it a little better. until you realise he's not crying quite so much.

(and if like me you were expecting him to instantly soothe when you picked him up, it will happen, and it's not something you're doing wrong.)

think i might have bored you to sleep now (along with half of mn before their dinner)

firststeps · 13/02/2008 20:07

neuroticlady - I would second taking your baby to a Cranial Osteopath or Chiropractor. Our DS2 cried constantly and was difficult to settle to sleep from birth, he was also very windy but would struggle to pass wind from either end . In the end we took him to a chiropractor who said his neck was jammed on one side and his jaw was compressed (he was born by ventouse like your lo), his colicky symptoms stemmed from the fact that he was drinking too much milk for his tummy but sucking on a bottle was relieving the pain in his neck and also bringing is jaw into the right position therefore alleviating that pain as well. 6 treatments on he is a different baby - happy to lie and kick on a blanket, settling well to sleep and staying asleep!! and basically just happy. I would recommend it to anyone who has had a traumatic or assisted birth. HTH