Hello everyone and thank you so much, as ever, for being so kind and supportive and for your advice and suggestions - just knowing you are out there thinking of me and wondering how it's going is giving me a real lift. When I have a bad day all I want to do now is get on here!
So, the baby has reflux. (MNers right again - you should all be paediatricians.) I took him to the paed yesterday, and the baby obligingly vomited three times whilst being examined. He's now on medication called 'Losec' (if anyone has heard of it). Half a tablet (yes, a tablet...) once a day in the evenings before a feed. I have to put the tablet on a sterilised spoon, add a tiny amount of formula, let the tablet turn a bit mushy, then try and spoon it into a seven week old baby's mouth. Of course, most of it ends up on his face, and his clothes. But he is being very good about it. But the next thing that happens is he chucks up his feed - and you can see the remnants of the tablet in it. I aired my concerns that this would happen to the paed but he said give it two weeks and if we see no improvement (he thinks we will) to call him to discuss, but he will probably suggest upping the dose to half a tablet twice daily. It won't stop the vomiting but it will control the acid burning, which is (of course) what would make him so unsettled and cry so much.
So we're just waiting to see what might happen. I have to say that the last couple of days he seems to have vomited more than ever, but I guess at least now we have a diagnosis, and perhaps I can translate that into more sympathy for our baby than I've had previously. I do feel really sorry for him as it must be awful, but dealing with a crying, vomit-covered baby whose bedding needs changing two or three times a night because it's so wet with vomit, after it's taken ages to settle him and then you have to wake him up to change him yet again, is hard. And when he's inconsolable it's soul destroying.
And yes, we're keeping his bed propped up as much as possible, though as he gains weight he's sliding down it more and more. We actually found him lying sideways at the bottom the other night, to our horror. And it's not a big bed with loads of space for this to happen: he's currently still in a hospital-style bassinet, though we reckon he'll have outgrown it within a couple of weeks.
But I do think I can tell the meds are working. (Apart from when the dishwasher, fridge-freezer and hoover all die in the same week...) I am coping with everything in a calmer way. I still don't know how I feel about it all, but I'm coping better. I still have moments where I feel overwhelmed, suffocated, despairing, but I haven't had the dreadful near-hysterical panic attacks, or the feeling that I might want to get out of this by throwing myself or the baby out of the window (and that's where I was just two or three weeks ago).
He's becoming a bit more interesting, too. A bit less floppy. Less alien. He's filling out. He's starting to smile. He's more familiar. I am less afraid of him.
Small steps. I go out with him more. I take the pram - without breaking into a sweat. I know now not to overdo it. One arrangement or appointment a day, no more. I know not to push myself too far out of my comfort zone. I still haven't faced taking him round the supermarket. That's a big one for me - haven't had the guts to do it yet.
My hands don't shake when I have to pick him up. I actually want to cuddle him close sometimes. I don't feel sick with fear when he cries, or when night time descends.
The meds have knocked the edge off all of this. I still have trouble sleeping. I still cry. I still wish I could run away quite frequently. But I don't feel terrified. I don't feel I'm sucked into the blackness like I was. I recognise that the essence of me is still in there, somewhere. I know (most of the time) what day of the week it is, what month we're in, what I said five minutes ago. My head is clearing, just a little.
In the meantime, the stay at Tresillian inches closer. They called today. I have a 'phone interview' next Wednesday, during which they will discuss an admission date with me. And I've made sure I have lots happening support-wise next week, as my parents leave on Tuesday. The prospect of the rest of the week on my own at home with the baby for 12 or so hours a day was just too daunting.
This has turned into a bit of an essay, sorry. It just feels so indulgent to be able to sit here and type (even though I should be in bed...). Thank you again for your support and so much encouragement. It's making a massive difference. One day, when I can face it, I'm going to revisit this thread from the start to see how far I've come and how much you've helped me along the way. x