Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Hi NL- haven't had time to read all your posts but I had PND with DD1- now 3. I took ADs for 2 years and they saved my life. DD was a hugely unsettled baby- sometimes crying 12 housr a day constant- and I mean she didn't stop unless asleep. I used to sit and wait for it to start. Always at 7.30 in the morning and it didn't stop til the evening. My stomach was in knots all day and I remember me and DH saying the same as you "What the hell have we done- is it always going to be like this?@
Well, it wasn't- it turned out their were medical reasons for her crying and at 5 months old I got my beautiful baby back. My smiley wonderful little girl that I thought I would never see.
I don't know how we got through those dark days- a lot of walking, standing by the tumble dryer with her for hours- holding her in shifts-very long walks through the park and town. I would start at 8 am and do about 7 miles. It was the only time she would sleep and cried as soon as you stopped!
Ironically, it was when she got more settled that I suffered PND- isn't nature cruel? Although it wasn't as severe as yours I felt very low, like being in a very black hole and feeling suffocated.
I only came of ADs when I found out I was pregnant with DD2 and am so so well now. You think you will never feel "normal" again but you do- slowly, a little each day.
Unfortunately DD2 was another "cryer". I remember not so long ago DH saying if he'd known she would have been like DD1 he would have told me to get rid of her. It broke my heart. I know he didn't mean it- said in pure frustration and utter disbelief that we were going through all this again. DD2 is now 5 months old and finally more settled and we did get through it. By pulling together and having a few tricks up our sleeves from the first time.
Please don't think this will never end- I remember being unable to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel but it does come- in droves.
I now look at my two beautiful girls and am proud of my family- all of us. It was bloody hard and wouldn't fancy donig it again.
Stay strong- you will be amazed by the inner strength you have. Try to be kind to each other and don't take things personally with eachother. Neither you or dh are yourselves at the moment. Words siad at 2 in the morning are seldom the way we really feel.
ake care and big hugs for you. We came through this and I know in my heart you will too.

NL I've just read through the whole thread and am thinking it's possible your baby has reflux- silent reflux if he's not vomitting. Tis was dd1's problem. For months we were told it was colic- she would cry inconsolable, as soon as you put her down she would wake. She would only sleep laying on my chest with me sitting up in bed. DD2 has just used the Moses basket we used for her sister but she never slept in it!
Silent reflux is where the flap at the bottom of the oesophogus isn't developed properly and lets either the milk/ stomach acid travel back up and burns like hell- hence crying many many hours, not settling laying flat as this makes it worse.
Does he fidget a lot when he's feeding- go stiff/arch his back/ pull away from the bottle?
When DD was finally diagnosed she was put on Infant Gaviscon and by the next day my baby wass smiling for the first time?
I know this may not be the case but just thought I'd mention it as a possibilty.
Off to bed now- night night xx

I must look so ungrateful with such a short response to these amazing posts. Please know it's down to fractious baby and lack of time and nothing else. I cannot be told often enough that it will get better, I will get better, that the love will come - so thank you for keeping on saying it. I got three hours sleep last night, the usual pattern now is baby does not settle after feed around 2 or 3am. I could have wept at 6am when I put him back down after holding and rocking to sleep, and I made the mistake of crawling into bed, yearning even for half an hour's sleep, and he started to cry again. The difference between now and five weeks ago? I didn't yell SHUT UP even though it was on the tip of my tongue, and my hands weren't shaking, although there wasn't much affection there when I briskly swaddled him for the hundredth time.

Off to paediatrician next week - will ask about silent reflux, although he actually pukes a lot - I keep being told all babies vomit, but to this extent? I'm trying not to imagine there is a magic cure around the corner but thinking there might be a happy baby (and therefore a happier mother) around the corner is sorely tempting.

Will chase the tresillian residential stay booking next week. I know I'm booked as the psych unit at the hospital who are calling me nightly told me - they know more than I do - but, crucially, they didn't have a date for me. You are right: I will push for earlier admission if they're still talking weeks away.

The psych unit's 'are you ok' call came at just the right moment as the dishwasher had just flooded all over the floor, the baby was crying, the bottles still weren't washed or sterilised, the dogs were trailing me in the hope of a walk, and nothing was ready for dinner. It really isn't taking much at all at the moment to tip me back into feeling utterly overwhelmed and yearning wholeheartedly for my old life back. Anyway, the lovely woman on the other end of the phone talked sense into me for twenty minutes or so and I was able to take a few deep breaths and calm myself down.

Well I am sitting here typing in order to avoid going to bed in case he starts to cry the minute my head hits the pillow. I also feel this is practically the only time I get to do something for me at the moment, and I resent having to cut it short. But I guess I should.

Please keep posting. It's a massive source of support to me. And so many wise words have helped guide me through so far, ask for the right help at the right time, and take the next steps. Thank you.

NL, vomitting is a classic sign of reflux. Please tell the paed all his symptoms. If they try gaviscon and it doesnt help there is ranitidine etc. Even if he is not being sick as much it may make him a bit more settled.
Have you tried raising his cot up at the top end with a couple of phone books. That helps a lot. Also upright after feeds for about 45 minutes.

NL - not shouting shut up and hands not shaking? That's bloody well done, and you should be proud of yourself. I know it may seem tiny, but that's HARD, even without a fractious baby and PND.

The others are right - do keep pushing for early admission and to get the support you need. You're right not to hope for a magic bullet "cure" but that's not to say you shouldn't investigate anything which might be making your little chap unsettled. Onwards and upwards, lady. It will get better and you are being amazing, even if you can't see it right now.

Message withdrawn

Hiya NL, was just wondering how things are going. I'm sure you're really busy but I'm thinking of you and still wishing you the best. xxxx

I haven't been able to get near the computer for a couple of days, but I'm stealing a moment for myself now to say thank you as ever for thinking of me and wondering how it's going, and for all these posts that give me such a lift and tell me again and again all will be ok.

I had a good day yesterday. The best in a while. Baby slept well overnight - practically a first - DH at home due to Easter and parents still here so lots of company/support. He's also been quite chirpy and his sense of humour seems to be returning - this has a direct affect on my own moods. And I've been feeling much more balanced. Which I know must be down to the meds.

For the first time last night, I went to bed and worried about whether the baby would be alright - you know, would the blanket end up over his face, would he be able to breathe, SIDS worries, basically. The significant thing for me is that it's the first time I have felt I care enough about him to want him to be ok. That is a dreadful thing to admit but at least it tells me I am making some kind of a connection with him, however tentative.

I've woken up feeling a bit flat again today. No reason why. Just the return of those 'this is it, there's no escape' thoughts. However, they are not accompanied by the insane mood swing and clawing sense of panic. (Thanks to Zoloft.) There is balance. At least I can see now that these moments will pass, because they have before. I have been trying to settle the baby for an hour now without success and although it's annoying and monotonous at least today I don't feel that crashing despair and overwhelming sense of suffocation.

I really hope this means I am starting to take small steps forward now. I realised yesterday that I have no memory at all of returning home from hospital with the baby. I can't even say it's a blur - I literally have no memory of it. I look at pictures of him a week, two weeks, three weeks old, and I just don't remember. All I can recall is blackness, the sweat, panic, shaking, feeling smothered, insane, terrified. I do not want to return to those darkest days. I was promised by the psych that by presenting early I will get over this more quickly. I just hope I am seeing the start of a recovery and that I don't slide back. I know there will be bad days but as long as I feel overall like I am moving forwards I can handle it.

Thanks as ever for listening x

That's such an encouraging post, NL. Hold onto the sense you got yesterday that the awfulness isn't forever. Keep going back to it, over and over, especially if you crash again (it's so bloody hard coping with the crashes once you start to dare to hope you might be emerging from the worst -- if this happens, just remember to get on here again!).

Just being able to feel something other than despair is a real sign that stuff is shifting for you.

It's not normal for a baby to cry that much. He's got Reflux, I should think. Sort out his problems and that'll solve yours.

Oh, my DS1 had awful Reflux and what really helped all of us was getting him a baby swing. It was a small, wind-up swing. Going in it would instantly stop him crying & being upright meant he puked less and had less pain. It saved our sanity. We borrowed ours but they're not that much to buy.

What good news NL, I know it doesn't feel it but just from you saying you were concerned about ds' blanket and SIDS means that you are beginning to have some sort of affection and mothering instinct towards him. Don't feel guilty for not having these feelings before, it's all part of PND. None of this is your fault. It took me a while to feel anything but terror of our ds and that was without PND! You sound as though you are really beginning to cope and hopefully be on the road to recovery.

nl, sounds like a step forward to me.
glad friday was a good day. hope you have another good one soon.

NLady, have read bits of the thread, don't really have advice that hasn't been given already, just want to say that I'm thinking of you, and it WILL get better. My dd is 18months now, and the shock ofthe first few weeks is horrendous - I don't really remember it. Just flashbacks of crying (me) in the middle of the night, spending days in my dressing gown, wondering what the hell I'd got myself into. But, 18 months on I'm 14wks pg with baby no 2, something I would never have imagined happening in the early days and months of my dd's life.

There's always someone on mumsnet if you need to talk, day or night.

Sending virtual hugs.

I can completely sympathise. When my first was born, I was expected to feel jolly and elated because she was very much wanted and planned for but inside I felt completely overwhelmed and really quite down. I felt like the outside world was going on without me and I was stuck in the house changing nappies, feeding etc. Everything took me forever to do and once each task was completed, I had to do it again and, by the end of the day - I felt I achievd nothing. My husband would come home to me in tears each evening. But it did get easier and I gradually discovered that life doesn't stop and you can still do alot of things you did before - it just needs a bit more planning. We do not have anyone nearby to babysit so she just came to restaurants etc with us. After 12 weeks it seemed to get alot better although you still get days when it is pretty difficult to get out the house! Hang on in there, you will feel better in time and you have got some really good times to come (e.g first smile!) that makes it all worth it.

In the meantime, don't feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed or sad - you are entilitled to and it is a huge life change. If you feel you are very depressed all of the time it may be worth having a chat with the HV. She may also be able to put you in touch with an 'early days' group in the area.

Lastly well done you for getting through this first bit and hopefully you will have some really enjoyable times to look forward to..

I'm glad you had a good day NL. They will get more and more frequent even if sometimes you may feel like you take a step backwards. I think its often 2 steps forward, one step back.

I bumped into someone I vaguely know the other day. She had puperal psychosis after her baby and was admitted to a mother and baby unit. She's out now and seems a lot better/says shes a lot better. Her baby is 7 months.

I hope you get the unit referral come through soon.

Don't worry about short posts or even no posts from yourself. You and your family are a much higher priority than answering posts here and we understand.

Hello NL.

Just wanted to say how great you are doing...havent been on for a while as I have been ill but you have been very much in my thoughts.

So pleased you are getting help for your PND. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!! Honest!!!!

Also, I wanted to tell you that the ONLY feelings I had for my ds at first were the worries about SIDS. Other than that, I felt nothing......hard for me to believe that now when I look at my beautiful 4 year old!!

As you said, there will always be bad days, but the good days more than make yo for it!

Sending lots of love to you and yours xx

I just want to say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had PND (am much better now) and had no bond with my son for a while. He also had reflux, and once we saw the pead he started to improve, therefore giving me the break I so desperatly needed.

When things got really bad, I just used to put him in the pram screaming, pop my ipod in and walk, eventually he would go off. We still go for daily walks now.

I now look at my 8 month old and wondered how I could ever feel so bad about him.

Its great that you have sought help so soon, and take one day at a time.

Bad days come hard on the heels of good ones. (I wouldn't blame anyone, after such lovely encouraging posts, for thinking: oh here she goes again)

A shit night. He is in a pattern of waking from about 3am right through until his next feed at 7ish. Then he wouldn't settle after that feed. I had so much to do and finally saw an opportunity to get my head down for half an hour while he slept this afternoon. And he woke up and started to cry after ten minutes.

Nothing unusual in any of that. What else has tipped me over today? A call to tresillian to see what's happening about my stay, not returned. The hoover blowing a fuse. The freezer breaking down so that yesterday's supermarket shop was a waste of time and tomorrow's meal has to be re-thought and re-bought. Mother's group, for some inperceptable reason, left me with those overwhelmed, panicky, flat feelings again. I was so tired. I just wanted half an hour to myself. I sat on the bed listening to him cry, thinking: it's never going to happen. I'll never have time to myself again.

Which I know is stupid and not rational. But that's the sort of negative spiral I so easily fall into at the moment. The tight, vice-like feeling was back in my chest. The tears couldn't be held back. So here I sit, waiting to calm down enough to bath him.

Your encouraging words don't fall on deaf ears, I promise. Please keep telling me how you got through it, how it gets better. Today is just a bad day.

Ahhhhh you poor, poor thing! Yes, I felt like you, like my world had turned upside down and gone crazy, that I no longer existed, and that I was unnatural and bad for not loving every second of it and being grateful for what I'd wished for all my life. Hang in there. This time WILL pass. You will get yourself back. You will be sitting here in times to come with your little one no longer a demon with mute and monstrously selfish demands but your own little boy giving you a cuddle and a wave and setting off for some hours away from you at nursery and then school. This time is passing so slowly for you, isn't it, with every hour and every tortuous minute just somehow to be got through - but in time to come it will settle into its place and you will wonder at how quickly these early months went, now you are looking at a little person in his own right - YOUR little person.

We're all here with you and we do understand. Thinking of you.

Hi NL,

Sorry you had a bad night. That makes everything so much more difficult - I know, I had one too. The slightest thing can feel like the end of the world. I know it's hard but try to let go as much as possible of the hoovering, food shopping etc - having said that, broken fridge would have set me off too.

Keep breathing - it will get better, this stage will pass. You have already come a long way since your son's birth, you can do this.

Thinking of you.

I would really get him checked out for reflux as other people have said. My ds had really bad reflux and was crying as he was in pain from the acid coming back up his throat - he was on meds but now at 7 months it has all stopped and he is totally fine. If they have reflux, when you lie them down the acid comes back up much easier and burns their throat - It's worth getting it checked, just in case it is. As once they are on the meds, things improve dramatically.
XX

You poor sausage. Don't worry about letting us down, FGS. That's the last thing you should be thinking of. We're all still here, rooting for you (not rooting in the Australian sense of the word, obviously)

So sorry you had a bad night. You are doing so well even to be coherent on so little sleep for so long. I'd be hallucinating by now.

Hi NL,

Sorry for your bad day. If you can, put some of the work onto your GP/psych and get them to do the chasing re Tresilian/baby unit.

PP

Hi Neuroticlady,

Sorry you had another bad night. I remember everyone saying "doesn't it fly by!" and I used to think "No, each minute is like an hour, each hour like a day." My thoughts for you are:

Sleeping: Like you I dreaded going to bed only to be woken up by a screaming infant. Instead, you might make a cosy nest up on the sofa then you can just doze instead of being robbed. Put magazines round and chocolates and remote controls for when your head is racing.

DH: Soooo hard to help each other when you are both stretched to your limits. We asked each other to always do one small thing - I asked for a glass of water when I fed, he asked me to be nicer to him but settled for a hug and a kiss when he got in. Teeny things but making the effort helped.

Screaming: My 2 didn't have reflux so I don't know, do you need a diagnosis to try baby Gaviscon? Is it something a pharmasist can give? Please excuse my ignorance but I can understand the overwhelmingness of going to gp waiting for diagnosis when you are coping with so much.

Finally, Neuroticlady, you are a legend. You have no idea how many women you have reached out to and helped with your honesty and strength. Your son is going to be so lucky to have you as his mum. He will be articulate and sensitive and funny too and you will be so proud of yourself and him one day. It really does get better!