Oh NL, I'm sure that nothing we say seems real or believable to you but everyone is so right. All I can do is repeat what I and everyone else have said in previous posts (I'm so sorry if this frustrates you even more) but here goes.... this really will pass!
As I have said before, I had the same feelings as you. The fear, the not loving ds like I thought I would, the guilt for not loving him, the guilt for not being able to breastfeed straight away, the terror of being left on my own with ds, the lonliness and the racing heart.
Just thinking about that time actually makes me feel queasy even now (7 months on), I feel a lump rise in my throat at admitting these feelings. I so wish I had been as strong and honest as you. I won't say I had depression as such (perhaps just very prolonged but terrifying baby blues) so I really can not entirely know the depths of what you are feeling. All I can say is so much of what you are saying rings massive bells with me. From what others are saying a lot of what you are feeling rings massive bells with everyone!
Maybe all new mums are in some way at least mildly depressed. The hormones take months to recover, the lack of sleep drains everyone, the total shock of it all. I remember mourning who I used to be, missing little things like being able to watch tele or have a lie in. Wanting my life back, wanting ME back. If someone had offered to take my son away and erase all memory and records of me having him, I would have done so- in a second. I took his cries as rejection, like he wanted to be someone elses baby. I felt completely out of control and would escape any way I could (I told you before about me sitting on the toilet for at least 20 minutes with my heart pounding just so I didn't have to be in the same room as our baby). Horrible, horrible time. The worst in my life.
The sad thing is that everyone told me how it would be the most beautiful and wonderful experience of my life. When ds was born I lokked at him laying on me and I felt nothing- just tired and empty but mostly scared. I knew I didn't want anything bad to happen to him but it felt like he could have been anybodies baby. I wish someone had have been honest with me. Which is why this is such a great thread and what you are doing by being so open is no doubt going to help so many people- now and in the future.
I can not say when it will get better. So many people told me a set date or week I would feel better or the baby would be more settled. BULLSHIT! I pinned my hopes on days and dates so many times just to have my heart broken and resent my baby for not being like everyone elses.
I will say that although the love came for my ds on day 17, the fear of being around him lasted for many many months. The wishing that someone would just come and rescue me and the praying that we could go back in time and not plan to have a baby lasted until very recently. Maybe that's cos ds is such a miserable and hard to please baby but still I feel ashamed for admitting it!
The reality is that there was no set day of improvement. I still have horrendous days now where I feel my pulse rising and I actually have to bite my toungue to stop me from shouting at him to shut up. Even on days like this, I still wouldn't be without him for all the money in the world. Gradually, you learn coping mechanisms and things do improve. You and your baby get to know eachother and the hormones will eventually calm down. The love will come in time.
When talking to one of my friends just last week about how I really felt in the beginning,she admitted to me that she didn't love her ds until he was 10 months old. I couldn't believe it, she was one of the people that told me how great motherhood was and how the love was instant. I actually found myself being really disappointed in her for not telling me the frigging truth and for letting me feel so guilty and not warning me how it really was. I guess she felt the way I did and just kept it quiet and thought she was 'abnormal' for feeling this way. If only more people were like you NL. So many more people would feel comforted and 'normal' for the way they feel.
Please remember that this (although it feels like a lifetime) is all very new. Six weeks is no time at all and you are still getting to know your baby, you are both still learning. I feel like I'm still learning now! But when I look at my ds asleep right now and I know that there is nothing I would rather be than his mummy.
I really wish I could help. Please also remember that an unsettled baby who screams for as long as you said would depress anyone. This won't last forever. It hasn't been helped by your dh feeling down too. Proof that an upset baby can depress anyone!
I am thinking of you and I know you'll get through this. You have so much to look forward to with your ds. I know you don't see it right now but it's true. When the baby smiles and laughs, coos or babbles, it's amazing. Amazing because you actually feel that you are doing something right instead of feeling guilty and useless. Even now when ds smiles it reassures me that I can make him happy and that it will all be worth it.
Please take care of yourself and GO TO BED AT NIGHT!!!! Nothing is sure to make you feel even worse than exhaustion. I found it hard to get to sleep too, I just stared at the ceiling and waited constantly frightened that ds would wake up. Thankfully he slept through at 10 weeks so when your ds starts sleeping for longer, you may be able to relax and sleep a little more, knowing that you'll actually get some sleep helps you get TO sleep if you see what I mean!
Wow I babbled on for ages (sorry) I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. This shit will pass and you will come out of it at the other end and have a wonderful family and so many amazing things to look forward to. The newborn stage is often the hardest as you get nothing back, the hormones are still raging, eveything's new and the baby won't bloody sleep at night! This will get better. You will feel better. Sending you lots of hugs and hoping you are believing what we are telling you. You can do this xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx