Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Hi NL - just wanted to say hi again and let you know that I'm thinking of you - FWIW I think you are doing amazingly well/ probably doing what I should have done at the time, instead of going for my usual, lifelong " this is my problem, I WILL cope with it" approach and battening down the hatches.

The comment about your DH wanting "you" back strikes a chord with me as well as I remembering DH saying something similar after about six months (not trying to scare you about the six months - just that my solution was basically to go into automatic "make sure stuff gets done to the best of my ability" mode and try and ignore all the emotional stuff). I think you do change when you become a mother - particularly in the first year when the focus is inevitably on the baby, and other bits of your personality go on the back burner / aren't so immediately obvious. For example, pre-baby I was always the one who organised the social diary / invited people around for dinner parties / sorted out holidays - and in the first year (probably two years tbh) I couldn't be bothered / it wasn't important to me - so I stopped. Which had a knock on impact on both our social lives etc. I guess. You are still in there - really you are - and when you get some breathing room DH will realise that too.

Re the IVF point - I had a slightly different problem, in that I have a genetic condition meaning that any pregnancy would have 50/50 viability, with test results at about 20-24 weeks. Until about 3 years before I became pregnant they hadn't invented the test, so I had thought that I wouldn't be able to have children. So I spent the first half of my pregnancy worrying / hoping / praying that the baby was going to be OK, and the second half SO relieved that it was OK. DS was much wanted - and I still had a similar reaction to you. I don't think there's any kind of link between PND and how much the baby is wanted. As you now know!

Hang in there and (dare I say it) it will get better!

Neuroticlady, its all so so normal what you are feeling. In terms of everything getting better it does so in stages. 6 weeks is a massive milestone when you look back and think, wow, things are a bit better now. At 12 weeks you will feel that even more and then sometime between 4-6 months you will honestly feel like you are in a routine, very sorted and used to your new life. All those milestones feel like so far away but I guarantee you one thing - TIME FLIES. I remember saying to my husband - 'i just want to give him back, i dont want him' and I felt like that for a good few weeks. You sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your DH which is great as you will need to stick together. let the washing, house and cooking HANG. just think about you and baby. BTW, I felt the same as you and now have 2 sons aged 2 and under and am thinking about number 3. Now if you had told me that would be the case the week after having my first I would have told you you were insane.
Keep us posted - it helps.

NL - only just read this post and am so sorry you're going through all of this.

I've skimmed through lots of the posts so have probably missed a lot! It is true what people say that it does get better, but it gets betetr at different stages for different people. When my dd was little I had to go out every day for most of the day as I couldn't bear been in the house with her and she was more setttled if in the pram. I don't thin it was until she was crawling that things got better. You can't be expected to automaticly love someone who has no personality. For some people they might be able to, others not. Don't blame yourself, its not your fault.

I don't know if others have suggested it but have you tried cranio-sacral therapy for baby. I've read on MN before that its worked for people with unsettled babies. Also sometimes putting a ticking clock wrapped in one of your (unclean) t-shirts put in the cot can help. They are meant to be reassured by the smell of you and also the ticking.

Just wanted to say am so pleased that you and DH finally had a few minutes to talk by yourselves. He sounds like a lovely man who is totally overwhelmed by the reality of being a parent and having an ill-wife. As other posters commented, don't worry about the horrible things he said at 4.30 in the morning. You have both made a huge step forward today and DH is right, you are strong. It takes strength and courage to be as honest as you are and to ask for, even demand help as you have done. Your DS will be so proud of his mum one day, as you will be of him, and you will love him to bits. It might be a while off yet but wait for his first smile. Things will get better. Keep talking and keep posting.

Glad things are moving for you. So glad you and DH have talked. Of course he wants 'you' back. You want 'you' back, too. It'll absolutely happen.
Well done on the trip/pram collapsing, too. But perhaps lay off that ambitious stuff for a bit... (Just going out for a pint of milk from the corner shop seemed to use up all my energy -- and the sweat... oh yes.)
Please do keep updating us: we need your bulletins too.

NL, you don't feel strong now, I know. But in reading your posts I just feel more and more than you are an extraordinary woman - you have articulated your feelings so well, and with such honesty and what's more you are still here, still in one piece. I know you feel that it's all terribly fragile, and the check-in calls from the psych unit add to that feeling, but I suspect in that case they know that it will help you to feel like they haven't abandoned you.

As others have said, this thread will help - and is probably helping now - many women who are in your situation, but perhaps aren't as able to articulate their feelings as well as you. Keep talking to us, and keep talking to DH - and (once more with feeling), IT WILL GET BETTER!

Hi NL - Your time with DH on the beach sounds more productive. He's right - you are stronger than you believe right now. Yes, you are getting calls from the support team because they are worried about you. How great that your PND has been recognised, and all the professionals are working together with you to try and support you. No-one is ignoring it. I know it must feel frightening, but I'm really, really impressed with the support you're getting.

NL you say you are not strong just honest. If you knew the number of people who aren't honest about the way they feel. The fact that you talk about this means that you are so much stronger than you realise, and certainlay a lot stronger than you feel right now.

So pleased you had a trip out to the beach and a chance to speak to dh. It's a very stressful time for you both and little steps like this will keep you all sane (including ds).

Just reading the other posts and peole have given you so much support it's so heartwarming to know that people are caring for you and thinking of you.

Claireybee, good lord you could be describing my ds (the having to stand and pace around!) I still have to do this a few times a day with my ds and he's 7 months old. He still hates being in the car or pushchair ) It's true what you say though. People always told me 'oh it gets better at 6 weeks', then 12 then 16. Each time I counted down to these weeks and the disappointment that the 'magic day' never arived was shattering. It's only now when I look back and realise how dark the first couple of months were and slowly but surely things improve. Just not as dramatically or noticable as people had me believe.

This will happen for you NL. I know you don't believe it but one day the fog will slowly start to lift and things will very gradually seem better. Until one day you will be so in love with your child and this awful nightmare will be behind you. Right now you feel that your life will never be good again but with all the support you're getting things will be fine. I repeat my previous posts but you are strong and incredibly. We've all handled our babies a little roougher than necessary (well I know I have and my friends have too!) We've all felt that our lives have been turned upside down and there is no way out. Bekieve me- this does pass.

Please keep posting.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

What a comfort, as dawn breaks here, to read your latest messages of support. I know I've said it but I'll say it again: you're keeping me going and helping steer me through this and take the right steps to get help now. Thank you.

I think I've realised something this morning: that DH is genuinely incapable of supporting me because he is in a state himself, but he won't admit it. He said he would do the 'graveyard shift' last night, which was a lovely break for me (even though I still heard when the baby cried and felt all stressed, even with earplugs in...). At 6am I woke with that lurch in the pit of my stomach when I could hear the baby REALLY crying. I raced downstairs to see DH wrapping him up pretty forcefully. I asked if he would like me to take over as I'd had some sleep and he barked 'don't patronise me'. So I took another approach. I asked when the baby had last been fed and suggested that if he didn't settle I would take him and feed him. Then DH softened and said ok, and admitted the baby had been fine in the night but it was he, DH, who hadn't been able to sleep as he had felt so anxious. I asked him about what and he said, 'oh everything. Just racing thoughts, busy brain'. It sounds so familiar, doesn't it?

I think he is in a stressed out state but unlike me absolutely will not admit it or get help. I tentatively asked him last night if he thought he too might be a bit depressed right now and he said no, he feels overwhelmed by responsibility and the urge to run away but that he thinks that is a very common and typical male response, nothing out of the ordinary at this time. He may well be right but I am still worried. More worries...

I am also realising that a great deal of my anxiety is stemming from the reactions of DH. When he has tender moments with the baby, I smile, I laugh, I unwind. When I see him handling him roughly, when he swears and paces about and laments that the baby is being 'a pain in the arse' the little knots in my stomach tighten, the sweat breaks out, the crushing feeling in my chest comes back.

I have all those feelings, so I'm not suggesting DH shouldn't. I just wonder how bad news it is that we are BOTH feeling this way. And that he will categorically not do anything about it except internalise.

I have no doubt if one of us was more optimistic at this stage it would help enormously. Can I ask whether anyone else felt their partner was in the depths at the same time they were, and if so did you BOTH get through and come out the other side? I am desperate for the baby to get to the stage where he smiles, reacts, as much for DH now as for me. Does any of this regarding DH sound in any way 'normal'? I'm going to talk it all through with the psych today (so glad I am seeing him). I just want to make it all better. The reality is the baby is here, is not going anywhere, so we have to make the three of us work. I'm even thinking what a relief it will be to go to stay in mother/baby residential unit so that DH gets a break from us. Oh I'm so frightened for the future for the three of us and what it might bring. Collapse from DH? Divorce? Lifelong regret about the baby? My mum had a terrible relationship with her mother, and admitted to DH the other day her mother had yelled at her 'I wish you'd never been born'. That turned my stomach. What if that is me? What if this turns out to be so devastating to me, us, our relationship, that I forever blame the baby and end up feeling and saying something as terrible as that? I know what the psych would say: that I am letting negative feelings spiral out of control and that I need to take it one day, one hour at a time. But this is what's going on in my head.

If anyone ever had anything vaguely similar going through their mind at this time, and it turned out ok, please, please tell me. Your reassurances are helping more than you can ever know.

Hi NL,

Your DH is feeling the strain. That's why I think the sooner you enter the Mother Baby unit the better. It will give him the break he needs and give everybody some breathing space. Can't your psych pressure the system to get you an earlier admission? When I entered the unit my DS was about 7 weeks and I don't think I could have survived another day. I was in for 5 weeks. You should stay as long as you need to. A lady I met in the unit stayed for 4 months (not the norm but it is possible). As an aside the ladies I met in the unit are now part of my mother's group circle; all fully-functioning a mix of SAHM and some even running businesses. We have ALL recovered and 3 of us are onto our 2nd pregnancies!!!

Don't be too alarmed that people are checking on you - it is good that your case is now being taken seriously. A bit frightening for you but just go with it for now.

I feel that until you get the right support you will continue to struggle against the issues you face. Try to keep calm and try where you can to stop negative racing thoughts (this will be very hard for you at the moment).

There is a link between IVF and PND that has not yet been fully explored/explained but interestingly 2 out of myy circle of 7 ex-PND mums had IVF.

Hope you went ok at the psych today.
PP

Interesting about the possible link between IVF/PND Pinky Pig. Do you think it extends as far as primary/secondary infertility and PND, even if no IVF has taken place?

I really don't know much about it to be honest but it was discussed with the resident psychiatrist in our Unit. I think it's something that is being explored at the moment.

I think one theory is examining the link between the high level of hormones that have to be used during the IVF process as a potential trigger.

PND usually has a number of contributing factors and I think it is a case of how many boxes you tick that determines the likelihood/severity of the condition.

pp

Hi NL

I was very lucky that dh did remain positive and although he found it increduibly hard he didn't plumb into the depths of depression as I did. I do feel for you in this situation and as others have said the quicker you can get into the mother and baby unit the better.

Once your dh can see your mood improving (and I assure you it will) he will I am sure feel better. He will also have the chance for a break and to get some sleep without the anxiety of constantly dreading the baby to waking up.

The only thing to ensure is that your dh somehow still gets as much time as possible with your ds by visiting a lot and having times where he takes care of him. That way he will begin to bond with your ds too.

I'd like to say also how incredibly aware you are and how sensitive. In the depths of my pnd I don't think I'd have had the energy to 'see it from dh's point of view'

This says a lot about the depth and strength of your relationship with your dh.

NL

One other thing I wanted to say which did actually help me when I was beginning to come out of my depression was a book I read that said not only that some babies cry but that some babies 'need' to cry as a way of releasing emotional and pent up energy.

The best way to deal with it is to stop 'trying to stop the crying' and just accept that the baby is crying because it needs to. Hold the baby and just offer love and unconditional acceptance of the crying. Say things like ' I can see you need to cry right now and that is fine, I love you and I'm here, there is no need to be scared etc...''

Obviously you need to be sure the baby isn't hungry or dirty , not too warm orcold and be reasonably sure he isn't ill but I
I found that this helped me to calm down and see that maybe there was nothing to 'fix'.

Ds still cried but my attitude to it slowly changed and I found I could be calmer through those long screaming fits.

Hi NL

its so true - and ironic - that at a time when you need to draw on the strongest most consant relationship in your life for support, you find that the new relationship you are trying to build with your child is testing it. I have not suffered with PND and cannot know the depth of feeling that you are experienceing, but your comments about your dh did strike a chord with me.
It has taken dh two months to feel as though he is part of our family unit and not just standing on the sidelines observing. In spite of the fact that i have always given him every opportunity to hold dd and play and bond with her, he would not so much as change a nappy, and when i handed her to him the look on his face was blank and i could see that he just wanted to hand her right back to me.
I think for men it will always be difficult - after all, you have carried this child for nine months and suffered all the emotions tied in with that in a way that a man never could.
In our case, it seemed that dh had just expected life to carry on as normal, only with a baby in the house! As much as i tried to prepare him for the upheaval that a new baby would bring, as much as i gave him books, talked to him and so on, I just don't think it was ever going to sink in until she arrived. Its only now that she is becoming more 'interactive' that i can see the reality of what we have done is hitting him and he is beginning to show real feeling for her.
I too have found that just seeing dh smiling and laughing with dd has made such a difference to my mood. In my experience - [sweeping generalisation face] - men, being the practical creatures that they are, are never happy until they get something back for what they put in. Dh changes a nappy or gives a cuddle and expects to get something in return - well a new born baby is never going to thank him, now is she?!
I guess what i'm trying to say along with everyone else is that this WILL pass - with time your little one will start to become more a part of the world around him and those first smiles flashed at dh will make such a difference to him. Of course, your dh's current behaviour is the last thing you need at the moment, but he is at least taking his turn and supporting you with the shifts, etc. Make the most of this, and know that he will get through this just as you will. Don't allow yourself to feel guilty or responsible for his feelings, concentrate on getting yourself through this and look forward to a better time when you can't imagine life without ds and the joy he brings you every day - this time WILL come!

That's really interesting PinkyPig - I always assumed it would be because of the unrealistic expectations of motherhood that it's so easy to build up during a time of infertiity. An expectation which can almost never be fulfilled, leading to feelings of hopelessness, anti climax, guilt, etc. etc. etc. (At least that's how it felt for me )

Never occurred to me that in IVF specifically, it might be due to hormonal imbalance.

I think it's kind of inevitable that you drag each other down. You're both thinking 'look what this has done to him/her'. I think your dh needs to acknowledge how it's affecting him and get help too. Do you know that some people have babies to mend floundering relationships their relationships! How misguided is that?! I didn't have PND and my dh has always been pretty positive, but there has still been a very noticable strain on our relationship.
As a completely unprofessional pop-psychologist, I would say that your feelings of guilt (inevitable part of motherhood, and perhaps womanhood too??) are extending to your partner - you feel reponsible for his feelings. I know I do. I also feel like I was the driving force behind the whole having babies thing (I was, to be fair). So when things go wrong and we're having a shit time, guilt is the first thing I feel. My advice, again totally unprofessional - and it sounds as though you have the help of professionals, so listen to them - is to try not to worry about your partner - he'll get through this too, and when you both do, you'll be stronger than ever.
The thing is, my dh felt like a spare part when our babies were first born. I always remember that he felt that our ds wouldn't be comforted by him, for example. But, now we have a second baby, his role with our ds is just as significant as mine. That also helps me feel as though we are a true family unit.
I hope you get a breakthrough soon - it really is so much better when the baby's personality starts to emerge. I always thought I was a baby person, but I much prefer toddlers - I hated the first three or four months both times (though not quite as much the second time, even though dc2 was much much harder to like!).
Also, my mum had severe PND with me. Not only did she not have it with either of my siblings, she and I have had a fantastic relationship for the whole of my living memory. I'm just saying that it won't affect your baby in the long term.
xxx
ps-isn't this thread amazing?

NeuroticLady - Some months ago I attended a fantasic lecture on PND by a woman who'd had it after her son and had then written a book. The lecture was fantastic, I was moved to tears. Have been racking my head trying to think of the book.

Its this one www.amazon.co.uk/Eyes-Without-Sparkle-Journey-Postnatal/dp/185775655X/ref=pd_sim_b_title_1

Don't know if it might be of any help?

Thank you for the link SKSS; there are a few books I am going to try to track down via Amazon, and that will now be one of them.

phlossie thank you for your insight - especially grateful to you for sharing that your mum had PND with you and you share a great bond.

Lazycow, babies 'need' to cry... that's a very good way to aleviate the guilt and helplessness I feel when I can't stop him.

Pinkypig, the link between IVF and PND - I've heard something like that before. Who knows what will be proved in years to come? Certainly, from a non-scientific and totally emotional point of view I know we went into this 'surprise' pregnancy (directly following IVF and miscarriage) with very little left in reserve. The years of trying and failing had certainly taken their toll and this time a year ago we were discussing whether we could and should save our marriage.

I need to follow up the mother/baby unit - I have no idea what's happening about it but I really need to know I have that backup should I need it for when my parents leave in two weeks. I'm well aware that my apparent 'coping' at the moment is due in no small part to the support I am getting at home, and the fact I am never on my own. It's going to be a big shock to have that support withdrawn and suddenly be left with the baby for 12 hours a day while DH is at work. Trying not to think that far ahead. One day at a time...

Still getting nightly 'check up' phone calls from the hospital's mental health team. It's very odd, knowing you are classed as 'high risk' and in need of monitoring. Can this really be me?

Meant to say more - especially to respond to more of these wonderful posts - but I must go to bed. Sitting here with eyes closing. Been up for nearly 24 hours. I get afraid to go to bed in case the second my head hits the pillow the baby wakes and I have to get up again. Far easier to simply stay up, though not particularly healthy...

You had him because he won't always be a new baby.

Being in a foreign country without family or much other support when you have a new baby must be hard. But there must be some support available. Oh yes - Mumsnet!

You're having a hard time but you sound pretty sane to me so I think you'll get through it.

Don't expect too much from dh in terms of soothing fractious baby. Get him to help in other ways like cleaning, tidying, changing the odd nappy, making you a cup of tea.

Sorry you're having such a terrible time but someone once said to me 'if you're going through hell - keep going'. In other words you will get through this.

Remember your baby only has you, he only wants his mummy and his mummy to love and care for him. He is only a few weeks old. he won't be doing this at 12 months will he - so there is light at the end of the tunnel you know and this will pass sooner than you think.

NL, I really don't know what to put. You are going through hell. I desperatly want to put something supportive and inspirational drawn from my own experience but I have nothing. I have 'mild' PND and my crashes crush me, I hate to think how you feel.

As you keep saying, you are getting very good support from the health services over there. I hope you get dates etc. for going into the unit, having a light at the end of the tunnel will help. I'm sorry that your dh is struggling too, when I've been really low my dh has taken over, you don't have that luxury.

Things will get better, things will improve. Don't feel guilty for taking all the help you can get from your parents, you need the support. Take care and keep us posted x

Just been reading through the rest of this thread - I first saw it back in February. Although I didn't have PND I can relate to so many of the things you are feeling. I wanted to be the old me, to have time to myself, and to have my husband to myself. I felt like a failure when I struggled and my mum helped me. We spent the first few weeks staying up in turns, long nights on the sofa with a screaming baby merging into days which were just long rounds of expressing, feeding, changing, crying and arguing.

My baby turns one tomorrow, and now those early weeks seem like a blur. We are just the way we used to be, only with a beautiful little person in our lives as well. I am working again, and enjoying my job more than ever. We have routine, and we have time as a couple as well as a family. I wouldn't change it for the world.

I hope things continue to get easier for you, and one day very soon I am sure you will be able to look back on this post and think how much life has changed.

How are things today, NL?

Been at Tresillian (the day stay sleep settling centre) today. Of course the baby behaved beautifully for the nurses and settled like a dream. This evening it's a different matter - screamed for three hours so far. I don't see the point in going to bed even though I'm shattered (2 1/2 hours sleep last night) as there is absolutely no way I will sleep through the noise.

Sorry to sound so negative - again. You are all getting through to me that this is a temporary state - the cognitive part of my brain is saying this over and over again. But emotionally I am all over the place and feeling very overwhelmed, tearful and over it again today. I dread the nights. I dread waking up in a sweat. I dread not getting any sleep, of the silence in the house at 4am as I pace the floor. I dread being alone with my own thoughts at that time.

I just hope the meds start to make more of a difference soon. My dose has been increased again.

He is six weeks old today. That means it's almost five weeks since my original post. It's no time at all and yet it feels like a lifetime. Wading through fog, waiting for it to lift. Trying to take it day by day in the meantime. Waiting to enjoy him, to love him. Oh god I hope that time comes.

Thank you as ever for your encouraging words and for thinking of me.