Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Hi NL,

I am sorry you are still in the thick of all this.

I really do think you need more medical help. PLEASE explore Karitane asap. You need to make it clear to health professionals around you how you are feeling (be 100% honest) and insist on additional help. Pester, nag and hassle if required as that is what they are there for. Help does exist for people who are going through what you are going through. The sooner you get the right help the sooner you will be out of this and on the other side.

Return to your psych asap. Explain what is occurring. I mentioned that it can take a while to find the right medication. The first one I tried nearly sent me loopy but thankfully I was in the Mother/Baby unit at the time and I had help.

Good luck

pp

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Please don't feel that you have let anyone down. You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. I still believe that a lot of people feel exactly the way you describe. I can certainly remember handling my baby rougher than I should have done- not to hurt him really but just as I was so angry I found it hard to keep calm. Don't think about three weeks time. Just try and get through each day.

I agree with other posts that you should certainly go and seek furth help from doctor or councellor. It is normal to suffer regression with pnd. The whole having a baby thing is such a rollercoaster. I was up and down like a yoyo, mainly down for the first 16 weeks and looking back I wish I had been more honest about it.

If you can afford it I would look into getting some help during the next few months. Just so you don't feel the lonliness that I felt. If finances don't permit then just going to every single mother and baby club, stay and play, baby massage class what ever they have in Australia. Anything to get you out and around adults, even if you really feel you can't face it. Being stuck inside with a baby is hellish for most mums.

I really wonder if the medication is the right medication for you. Please remember that there are hundreds of a.ds and it takes time to find the one that works for you. I really admire how honest you are being. Please keep this up as I think most people just never admit to feeling this.

I don't want to trivialise what you are feeling right now but honestly this will pass. This time next year, someone else could be feeling exactly this way and your thread could be their lifeline. Who knows, you'll probably be online giving advice and helping someone else in exactly your situation.

I am thinking of you and I really hope things improve soon. The first year of having a baby is hell for many, many women ~(even those without pnd). I think this is such a vutal thread for all new mums. Thank you for being so brave and starting it in the first place. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm sorry I haven't read all the thread but I just wanted to check that you are OK, how was the night? Have you managed to get another Drs appointment?

Take care

I've been thinking about you too.
If you can't summon up the energy/time to look into Karitane, get your parents to do it.
I also think you need to ask the psych to review your meds. As I think you know, the first one I tried heightened my anxiety (I do think this happens with some unfortunate people and SSRIs). If you are feeling worse than before, please make that very plain to the docs.
There is no point in disguising anything from anyone at this point. You'll have to be totally honest to get the help you need. The help is there and you will get out of this.
Be as frank with parents/health professionals etc as you are being with us, won't you?

Thank you all for your brilliant suggestions and advice. You keep steering me through this, helping me taking the next steps. Baby has been asleep for one hour since 6pm - it's now 1.30am. He gives me around four or five minutes of respite before screaming again. So I will write what I can in the time, and concentrate on deep breathing...

Today:

Wept for two hours in front of Parent Support workers. Told them I need to go to mother/baby unit (thanks PinkyPig and MyEye). Am getting referrals for two: Tresillian nearest to where I live and St John of God which focuses more on mother's needs - useful for those with 'severe' PND which is what I am now classed as. Nothing like telling them I wanted to chuck baby out of window, or myself, for motivating action. As you say, I have nothing to lose now by being brutally honest in order to get the help I need. Told them I fear what I will do when mum and dad leave, DH goes to work and I am left alone for 12 hours a day with a baby that currently screams five hours at a stretch.

They wouldn't leave until my parents got back - a friend took them for a break and a cup of coffee. I think they were worried I was going to do something stupid. I'm getting used to overhearing people discuss me in whispered tones. It's very strange; the twilight world of the mad.

Spoke to psych. He's convinced this crash is due to DH's comments and that the meds are ok and will make a difference very soon. So I will stick with them for now.

I think DH is depressed, too. He said he felt like weeping earlier after trying to settle baby for three hours. I'm sick of being told our stress will be affecting how the baby settles. How are we meant to be anything other than stressed?

Six week wait for mother/baby unit. In meantime am going to day centre on Monday.

I know you have told me over and over again, but please don't stop telling me this will get better and it will pass and we will get joy out of this being who has invaded our lives. I NEED to hang on to the idea we will turn a corner. Trying to control my breathing; chest feels so tight, stomach full of acid. I can't believe right now this will ever end. Get better. That I will actually enjoy this role. Am terrified I will not recover. That this is it. Keep telling me, keep telling me.

Yes yes YES it WILL get better. Listen to all the voices on the thread. We all made it, so will you.

I'm so incredibly relieved you cried in front of the right people and told them the truth. Glad psych is helping you through this. I have to say, it seemed obvious from the timing and the tone of your posts that DH's comments were key factor in your latest crash. I WISH WISH WISH he could see what he needs to do. Does the psych have any suggestions about a/ educating him about what's happening to you and b/ educating DH about his own feelings? It'll just be so sad (and unhelpful) if he can't summon up the courage to take the next step.

How long till you get to a unit? Will you be able to stay there?

I'm so hugely PROUD of you for what you're managing to do. We know what it's like and we want you out of there -- it'll happen. It will.

Hope you get some rest now.

MyEye, your message has made me weep, but in a good way. The kindness of strangers...

Baby in sling. Only way I could soothe him. He's now sleeping. I have some peace, if not any sleep.

I don't know about anyone else with PND, but I am at the stage where the tears now just come, there is no more pretence in front of anyone. The mask has totally slipped. I could not have done anything else in front of those support workers today but cry and cry. I was feeding the baby at the same time and they were wiping the tears from my face for me. They just kept coming, I just kept crumpling.

I honestly don't think DH can or will make the connection between what he said to me and my plummeting back to where I was a few weeks ago. He is being much more attentive since saying all that stuff, but seems to be in denial that he actually said he thinks daily about leaving. (He said afterwards: "I never said that". ???) On talking to the psych and the parent support workers, their view was to put on hold all concerns about him/marriage and to concentrate on me, so that I can care for the baby. If he won't come on board just now, maybe he will with time. But I have to get on with doing what I need to in order to recover. Obviously much harder without him being fully on board. I think it's just all too scary so he's in denial. Psych said he is having an immature child-like response to what's happening, but couldn't really offer any practical advice beyond relationship counsellor which I know DH would never ever ever agree to. He's aready saying he's had it up to here with therapists and counsellors etc. So I can just imagine the reaction I would get by suggesting another one.

I think it will be about six weeks to get into a mother/baby unit. And yes, I'll be able to stay. Don't know for how long. But they asked what they can do for me at this stage and I made it abundantly clear that's what I need. Again, you and PP have given me the push I need to ask for that. THANK YOU.

I keep thinking I'll wake up and this will all have been a bad dream. What a terrible way to view having a baby after years of being unable to. Please don't stop telling me I'll get there. I can never be told too many times. Thank you again for taking the time to check in and see how I am. It means the world to me right now.

Oh god, i felt exactly the same and cried almost non stop for 3 weeks. then felt a bit better, but it was very up and down for the first 6 months... if i had my time again i would ditch any housework and any guilt - spend all day long in pj's on sofa watching telly for as many days as you like, if that helps - do not feel like you 'should' be doing anything at all if it all feels too much. Just go to bed with the baby with you or nearby and don't get up til you feel like you can cope. eventually you will start to feel like you might know what you're doing, and you'll be more confident with the baby and it will become part of your daily life. for me that was about 5 weeks. remember it's ok that you feel like this and it WILL pass, and you will fall in love with that little bundle and wonder what the point was in your life before.

Just re-read some of these posts (no point in trying to sleep - baby needs feeding soon) and I just wanted to thank ALL of you for being so amazing. I know I don't acknowledge each of these posts but I promise I get comfort out of each and every one.

I never did explain what DH said that has triggered this crash. I thought I did, but anyway:

He said he is sick of being the one in the support role in our marriage, that the focus is always on me.

He feels our marriage lurches from one crisis to the next.

He has only stuck around because he keeps waiting for it to get better, but it never does.

He has been unhappy for years.

He thinks daily about getting out.

That if he's going to stay in this marriage, things are going to change. If he wants to go off for the day on his motorbike and do stuff for himself, he's going to do it. If I don't like it, tough.

He blames me for the 'misery' of our marriage - that there always seems to be some problem I need help with. First it was breast cancer, then infertility, then miscarriages, now PND.

He will absolutely not join in with any therapy or support groups to do with PND. He has 'done his bit' - he came to antenatal classes when I was pregnant... He's sick of everything to do with counsellors and needing help and is done with being in a supporting role to me. If I 'want' to go to stuff like this it's up to me, but I'm on my own.

• I was confronted by that lot at 4.30am while the baby screamed in the room next door. Then, as I tried to absorb what he had just said to me, and I started to cry almost hysterically, he began denying he'd said he wanted out. ("You always mishear what I tell you.") He ended up softening after being totally on the defensive, and admitting a lot of what he's saying isn't rational - ie to blame me for stuff I didn't invite to happen to me like cancer, miscarriages.

So I've spent the past 24 hours wondering what to worry about more; my reaction to motherhood, or my marriage which appears to be imploding. But I'm being told to stop worrying about him and his reactions and to concentrate on me.

Anyway, now you know what set me off on this latest downward spiral...

NL are you sure you want to stay with him? To me he sounds callous, insensitive and bullying. I can't offer advice because I have never had DH say anything so nasty to me. I can only send you lots of {{hugs}}. I am so sorry for your situation and its no wonder you feel so low. To blame you for any of the things you listed is so nasty. None of them have been your fault and I think i would point out to your DH that marriage is about supporting each other in sickness and in health for as long as you live. I would also say that the boot could quite easily slip onto the other foot at any time and that your loyalty would not waver if the situation was reversed. Hopefully saying something like that calmly might make him realise 'there but for the grace of G go I'

Do you know what, my relationship completely fell apart soon as the baby was born. that was 18 months ago. i won't go into all the boring details, but the fact is that before the baby we had time to work around each other or get away from each other, and we demanded less from each other. He maintains that i completely changed when i became a mother - i'm not sure how he thought it would work any other way. Eventually i went to the doctor end last year as my DB decided i had late onset PND as i couldn't stop crying - he couldn't believe the source of my misery was our relationship, as i thought it was. We talked about separating many times but the practicalities and finances of it put us off. Anyway the point is that now we are going to couple therapy - it's only been one week but OMG it is the best thing we have ever done. it has helped us to see that most of the issues were there pre baby but we were able to get away from them as we had the space - now we are stuck together all the time it's much harder... it takes the focus off YOU as being the source of his misery (with your PND) as the therapist will be able to point out how difficult he is to live with too (ours did this in the most amazing, unprovocative way). I don't know if this is making sense, but he needs to see that the problems are yours, they belong to the relationship, and that means BOTH of you. For us, only an outsider could make DB see that (although he still thinks it's mostly my fault).

I got to the point where i felt i would cope better alone, and feeling that gave me enough strength to say words to the effect of 'either we do counselling together or you have to move out, because this relationship is making me ill'. if he feels that's how far things have got for you, perhaps he will concede... mind you, it took a year for us to get to that point...

I really feel for you. It will get better, just get through one day at a time.

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Bingo Neurotic lady! You have hit on our favourite and most commonly experienced subject (except stitches, depression and general mumness). Its shit and could possibly be shit for a while. Practice as many self preservation measures as poss. Keep mumnetting. You will find that there are some on Mn that will make you feel inadequate but there are many more who will thank you for admitting you are struggling like the rest of us. Motherhood sucks - why do we do it?. thing is, you are only a week in so dont have any of the 'get backs' yet. the smiles, cuddles, the feeling of greatness when your child does something good in public! etc. Keep in touch else we will stalk you ha ha

One day at a time, NL, one day. That's all. And if that's too big a chunk, then just go hour to hour. I know it's a different situation, but we lost a little girl at 21 weeks pg, and although, luckily, I wasn't depressed, sometimes just getting to the next hour was enough.

And I made all sorts of promises to myself. If I ever got to have a baby I would never complain, I would never be cross, just please let me have a baby. And I did, and she's easy and sweet and I had it soft. But I broke every bloody promise over and over. I cried and railed and shouted "WHAT DO YOU WANT" at her. And that was with my DH on sabbatical so around to help all the time, etc etc. And you have PND on top of all this "normal".

I think your DH sounds scared and out of control and he's lashing out pointlessly and irrationally. Some people just want to be able to "fix" things, and can't cope very well when there's no quick fix. And you have both been through such a lot together. I wonder if just trying to have physical contact - hug and hold each other a lot - might help heal these strained bonds a bit?

As I said - tiny steps, sweetheart. YOU WILL GET BETTER. And one day you'll be posting in support of another woman, and you'll say those words to her.

It's a big ask, I know, but I'd try to ignore the DH bullshit. You may fix things up eventually, you may not, but you have bigger things on your plate right now.

What he said was hideous, but he may be speaking from the depths of sleep deprivation. There's a reason sleep deprivation is defined as torture. But either way, put it to one side, don't argue about anything at 4.30 in the morning and keep focused on getting you well. Of course the focus is all on you at the moment - where else would it be but on the person with PND and the bulk of the responsibility for caring for the baby? He will cringe one day for having said such a stupid thing but with any luck he is just exhausted and lashing out. Getting on a motorbike and driving off sounds like a classic escapist fantasy to me, so don't lose any of the little sleep you're getting worrying about whether he will actually do it.

Well done for taking another step in the right direction. You are getting there - it may not feel like it right now, but you really are.

Try to remind yourself that DH isn't behaving rationally either. Don't pull what he said apart, try to shove it out of your thoughts for now, just as the support workers and psych suggested. (I just wish your parents could work on him a bit for you but maybe that's a no-go.)

Six weeks seems like a long way off, doesn't it? Can't you get to the unit quicker? You are right in the thick of it now. I wish Pinkypig would post, she sounds familiar with the system in Aus.

Sorry -- meant to ask, will you be able to spend lots of time at the day centre until you get a residential place? ie, will you basically be able to set up camp there? Having people around who really understand should help massively.

neuroticlady

I am so pleased you are getting the help you need and as others have said it REALLY REALLY will get better.

About your dh and the hurtful things he said, I can really see why what he said threw you down again but I just wanted to say, don't think about what he said at the moment.

You as a couple have had tremendous stress even before the birth of the baby. Not many people have to cope with, cancer, ivf and repeated miscarriages. Your dh (like most men) probably buried a lot of his feelings and reactions to all this, partly to support you but also partly because that is how he deals with things.

Some of what probably kept him going was that when the baby wss here everything would be OK and you would both be happy. When this didn't happen it was probably the last straw and he just couldn't cope any more.

In the same way that you do love you ds but at the moment you are cut off from that love by the depression, your dh almost certainly loves you but at the moment he is just having trouble being there for you.

As others have said - focus on getting better from the pnd and being with your son, when that is on a more even keel, you can deal with the issues in your relationship.

I really don't want to cause more friction and maybe I'm an argumentative bitch but I really couldn't believe the things your dh said to you. I'm horrified that he could say or even think such cruel and insensitive things. Like you asked to have cancer, or pnd? Of course you didn't. I thought that was the point of marriage (in sickness and in health....). I am angry for you at him and I don't even know him! I am also hurt for you and seriously wondering if this latest regression is (as the doctors say) simply down to these nasty comments. This was the worst possible thing he could have done at this point (or any point of your marriage).

Please don't feel that anything he said is true and that any of this is your fault. You have been through so many shitty times which I can not even believe you have managed to come through. I think you're amazing for being able to even talk about these things. I think I would have crumpled a long time ago. I actually could cry for what you are going through.

Honestly, you are obviously very stong (even though you feel you may shatter at any minute). You won't. You have been through so much and you'll get through this.

We are all thinking of you and I'm so proud that you have told people and got help. This really will pass and you'll be the mother you always dreamed of being. I promise if you stick through this shitty bit, it really will all start to make sense. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx BIG hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi NL, thinking of you lots. Lazycow offers excellent advice. Very few people say sensible things at 430 in the morning after almost no sleep for days and days. One thing at a time. I am relieved that you are getting professional help- be honest with them, that is so important. I was also worried before when you said you couldn't eat as it is sooo important to keep your blood sugar going every couple of hours or so. Biscuits? A banana? Cereal? Sweet milky drinks?

What your DH said sounds hurtful. My DH also said some choice things when our DD was born. We were knackered and pissed off. Either of us would have got aboard that motorbike if it had pulled up outside! Your psych is right to say to concentrate on the PND first and not to try to solve everything at once.

You also said that you were worried about your parents going home in 3 weeks time- well, a lot can change in three weeks, especially with babies. Keep on taking one day at a time, and if several attack you at once- one hour at a time. I have another friend who has got it down to 20 minutes at a time, and that is getting her through her own difficult times. Now is not a good time to make big decisions about marriages, where to live etc.- now is a good time to get through the next hour, then the next, then the next.

Keep posting. You are not letting us down. We are here for you. One day you will tell us more about your little boy, what he is called, what he does that you love, maybe post some pics- and that will be a great day for all of us.

NL I have been following your thread and thinking of you lots. So much of what you describe is so so familiar to me, and you have pnd on top of that.

I thouht dd was a difficult newborn because she cried unless she was held, and had colic so cried every evening for the first 8 weeks. She also slept on me for the first 8 weeks. As I say, I thought she was difficult, then I had ds. He cries. He cries if he is being held, he cries even harder if you dare to put him down. Being held isn't enough for him, he needs you to be standing and moving. I think the only reason I didn't develop pnd was because I already knew from having dd that at some point it would get better.

Motherhood is a huge shock to anyone, and when you have a high needs baby it is even harder-it's nothing you are doing wrong, that's just how your baby is. One day your baby will be that cooing gurgling bundle that you see on tv or in magazines, he just isn't there yet.

People say, it gets better at 6 weeks, or 8, or 12 and I can warn you that as each of those passes you'll briefly feel worse again because you'll have passed that supposed magic week where things are meant to get better. They will have got better, but it won't be a miraculous change, and you won't realise it until you look back later. I'm sorry that isn't a positive thing to say, but for me knowing and expecting it would have been better than getting to those weeks and feeling like shit because everyone elses baby had got better at that point and mine hadn't.

Handling your baby roughly? Normal. Maybe not normal to everyone, but normal if you have lived and experienced a baby that just won't stop crying no matter what you do.

Fighting with your partner? Normal. That's what sleep deprevation and stress does.

Feeling like your life has been turned upside down? Normal, especially if the baby won't stop crying long enough for you to brush your teeth or have a wee let alone shower or eat a meal.

But, it will get better, it really will. I know we are all telling you that, but I also know that right now you don't believe it. Trust us, it will, and you can begin to look forward to that day. It will happen gradually, one day you'll realise that instead of screaming continuously your ds has had several screaming fits, or that it has taken less time and effort to settle him. A few weeks ago I was pacing up and down continuously to try and get ds to be quiet, now apart from one big cry in the evening where nothing works, it only takes 5-10 minutes to settle him-and I can usually put him down once he is calm.

Please keep posting, not only does it seem to be helping you to get it all out, I also think this thread will help others in the future, not least because you are able to articulate your feelings so well.

Hi NL,

A couple of comments/points of advice on the last couple of days.

I concur 100% with the psych advice regarding your DH. I do not know in detail your situation but there are similarities with how my DH reacted and I can only give you advice based on my experience. How to explain? Your DH obviously loves you, he has been with you for many years and has supported you though good times and bad. He sounds like a truly good man/loving husband who is reacting normally to an extremely stressful situation. Don't push him to 'understand' what you are going though. He won't - not now and maybe not ever (who can, truly ever understand unless you have been there?) Mental illness is the hardest form of illness to live with as there is no quick fix (like a broken leg etc). Your DH is scared shitless that he may never get his wife 'back' and if you can summon it, I would try to reassure him (briefly, perhaps every couple of days) that you know you are ill, you are facing it, getting help, you WILL get better (even if you don't believe it yet lie if you need to as he needs to hear it). Let him rebel a little, blow off steam, ride off on his bike for a short time (esp while your parents are here and you have them to support you).

You need to focus here on you and your son.

I recall you are seeing a psychologist, I found I need a psychiatrist. In the unit you will have access to both. No disrespect to your psych but in my experience a more specialised (ie PND experienced) psychiatrist may be more in tune with your particular needs (medical and emotional). The focus will be on getting your anxiety down so the biological 'fight or flight' response reduces and your body can sleep. This really is key. Not sure about the Mother/Baby units you mentioned but I would suggest you select the one that has a strong psychiatric focus (you already know how to change a nappy and feed your baby so this is not what you need).

No wonder you feel like you are going mad. I have been there. It will end. As others have said prepare yourself for a slow, gradual recovery. Do not expect to acheive true joy for some time yet (I reckon for me it was about 8 months to get to that wonderful stage).

6 weeks for entry to the unit seems like a long wait for someone in your situation. I would PUSH to be admitted the day your parents leave. The health system have a responsibility to you and your child to get you out of this dangerous situation asap. You may push the system a little but you and your son/DH deserve immediate attention IMO.

Hang in there. You are a strong woman, you are a survivor and you will beat this and (one day soon) have the loving, wonderful family life you deserve.

PP

Nothing to add to all the great advice and experiences, but I just wanted to add my encouragement too. You will get there, you just carry on hanging in there and getting all the help you can get.
lots of love

I got 20 mins to go sit on the beach with DH this evening, while the dogs ran around. He regrets what he said. He said we'll get through it, he's just really stressed, like me. He is still adamant he's done with support groups etc so for now I am going to try to respect that. PP, I think you are spot on: he is scared shitless and in fact he said tonight he wants 'me' back.

They're pulling out all the stops for me now. I must be seen as a real headcase... The psych called tonight and he has made arrangements to be in his rooms tomorrow so he can see me (normally doesn't practice on Fridays). He does specialise in post natal, PP - I am so glad I am seeing him. I am in a dire state right now but I can still see I am incredibly fortunate to be getting the degree of help that I am.

I am also now getting daily 'checking in' calls from the 24-hour psych unit at the big hospital near here. That's to ensure there is always someone I can talk to, no matter what the time. (Good old government cut backs means Parent Support is no longer 24 hours.) They're going to call me each evening. It's reassuring, but frightening: I am not stupid and it is plain to me this is all happening because they fear what I might do.

I will call Parent Support tomorrow for an update on the wait to get into one of the two suggested mother/baby units I'm getting referrals for. Six weeks does seem like a long time... The second of the two focuses on the needs of the mother and specialises in severe PND cases so it may be I end up going there.

Small steps: today took baby in car with parents to nearby beach. First time I've taken the pram and had a go at collapsing it. All a walk in the park for anyone more balanced but it had me out in a sweat and totally overreacting at poor parents. Was so glad to get home. I feel almost agoraphobic at the moment, yet with a clawing need to get away from the house, too. Or should I say get away from the baby...

I'm sick of having to throw my pjs in the wash each morning because they're damp with sweat. Isn't that a trivial thing to get pissed off about in the grand scheme of things?

I tell DH about so many of your posts. That much of what is freaking me out is normal in your opinion. That I, we, will get through this. That there is joy at the end of it. That you think I am stong (ha!). DH said that tonight, too. I'm not sure I believe it but it's nice. My view? I'm not strong. I'm just honest. Because I've reached a stage where I've sunk so low I have no other choice. And because talking, talking, talking is what's saving me.

It is also a great comfort to me that there are posts from those who have battled infertility only to be struck by PND when the much-wanted baby finally arives. I really, really thought I must be on my own with that one.

And the posts from those who have been there with PND, and come out the other side, are a huge help. In fact ALL the posts are a massive help to me. The fact you are asking me to keep posting gives me something to aim for each night. Thank you again, so much.