Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Dear NL

I'm coming to this conversation a bit late, and I'm sorry if any of what I'm going to say has been repeated by others. I just felt I'd like to add that you're not alone.

My baby is 11 weeks old now, and reading what you've been saying, I felt the same way as you did. The first few weeks were so so hard and I would wonder why I had her in the first place. I didn't even have the excuse of having no parental support as I'm currently at home with them! But I knew I had to carry on and feed, change and bath the baby as she was wholly reliant on me (and my mum). As for your DH he sounds just like mine. However, when the baby began to interact more (about week 6) he became more interested and now likes playing with her and taking her for walks, which is a start.

Even though my dd still has howling banshee moments when no one in the house has any idea what's going on with her I think we've got a good bond now but it has taken weeks not hours like some people say. And as for the feeding, whilst I've now managed to BF her the first week she wasn't having any of it and I felt sh*tty about not being able to (not helped by others) but you have to think, well she's got to eat, whether it's formula or breastmilk. We've all been there when there's been crap times, it's just some are better at hiding those moments than others. it really will get easier xx

NL, hope your weekend was OK. This is very much from my POV, and forgive me if I'm getting the wrong end of the stick, and I know plenty of women get through PND without their partners getting to grips with the illness -- but I really think it's worth you (or your doc or your parents) working on DH and helping/making him engage with the illness.
I know that if DH hadn't faced up to what was happening, I would never have been quite able to forgive him. Knowing that he understood took so much pressure off me. My opinion is, his ignoring your PND or burying head in sand about it won't make it go away -- quite the reverse. Sorry to be doomy. He does sound like he has real issues about all this.
My DH's advice to yours, fwiw, is: it does get better, but until you reach that point, be supportive.

how ironic, myeye, to be reading your post while dh is not speaking to me, and after i spent the latter half of the evening outside weeping, which dh pointedly ignored. i can tell his actions rgis evening are a 'it's not all about you' statement. and the reason for his anger? a 'look' i gave him after arriving home with parents and baby (took them to see a friend in sydney which was nice but stressful but thought dh would appreciate some time out) to be told ge'd been busy working in the garage all afternoon so the baby's bottles weren't done. this is the point where i gave him a 'look' - and i'm not denying it because the baby was starting to scream for a feed. luckily i remembered i had one spare bottle in my baby bag so i went into the house and fed him while my parents ran round gathering in washing, preparing food etc. all stuff that, in my opinion, dh should have done.

i could feel the stress levels rising. started sweating, had difficulty processing thoughts but tried to act normal as too ashamed to let mum and dad see we'd rowed. ended up sneaking outside to weep, then couldn't stop so retreated to bedroom. and haven't seen dh since. just been feeding baby hence one handed typing - 3.30am. feel trapped and shit. hardly any wonder, although unfair to blame the baby for this one - dh is major source of stress tonight. what to do. send him an email at work, perhaps - impossible to talk with mum and dad here. better go, baby stirring. thank you as ever for listening.

hello NL. I am sorry to hear about things with your DH. I had a chat with my DH about it and how he felt when I was having problems after the birth of DD, crying all the time etc. etc. I did not have full-blown PND so perhaps the situation was not as serious, but I want to think of anything I can to help you. My DH points out that it was a difficult time for him too, and that, oddly, the thing which was most difficult was coping with me and not with the screaming baby. He felt that I was taking things out on him, instead of being reasonable about what needed to be done (TBH- the absolute bare minimum when you have a new baby!- really try to let your standards drop if you possibly can). He was also not a mind-reader or a great planner, so needed me to say in words of one syllable eg. I need you to sterilise the bottles please by 4pm when I get back, rather than expecting him to figure it out for himself. He saw things like me visiting friends and family as me having "time off" even when it felt nothing like that to me! He would have utterly hated to be dragged to a group where he had to talk about his feelings in public; I might have persuaded/ forced him but it would have taken some serious emotional blackmail on my part. Also he really went into "provider mode" and saw working hard as helpful to the family, rather than escaping from us. I am not making excuses for your DH but just trying to see things from his point of view, and not "sweat the small stuff" but save it for when he really is being a total arse.

I hope you don't think I am posting out of turn- I'm sure things are much more complicated than I can understand sitting here in my front room in London. I am sending lots of positive vibes especially for those 0330 feeds!

can your parents do an evening shift with the baby while you go out -- for a drink or dinner if you can face it, or just for a walk. Sounds like you need to have some space together, unobserved, to explain things to him a bit. You may find it's the last thing you want to do at a gut level, it may feel like yet more hard work, but it may help to connect again.

Also, please stop worrying about putting on a brave face for your parents. People with newborn babies get angry with each other, whether or not they have PND, as wobbegong's post shows. Repressing that isn't good. Maybe you do have to accept DH is not a mind-reader. So, you may have to lay down the rules -- yes, email them to him or print out some ideas. Spell stuff out. Appeal to his better nature, make him feel needed.

It is bitterly disappointing when DHs fail to 'see' what's needed, but to get better at it sometimes they need to have it written up there in yellow flashing neon.

When I was diagnosed with PND after DS2, DH had NO CLUE about what I was going through and I felt like he couldn't comprehend even what I was saying. He seemed to have his own agenda that didn't involve listening to me.

What really helped was him reading a book called 'the curse of the strong' which explains depression in a very chemical, scientific way. Because it explained it as an illness, DH was able to grasp the specific symptoms and deal with things like the way I couldn't talk when things were bad (I would just be numb and certainly couldn't answer his questions about what was wrong). The book is based around the theory that the type of people who are more likely to get depression are actually intelligent, high achieving people.

Once DH understood more about the 'disease' we were able to get to a point where I could use code words for when I was feeling bad so that he knew what state of mind I was in.

I hope and pray that you are not in the same state that I was in but it is essential that your DH is supportive. Obviously, he is going through his own difficult time with the birth of the baby but he needs to be strong for you too.

Hoping it all gets a bit better.

NL - even the closest and most loving of couples do bicker/row/argue a fair amount (or A Lot) during the first few months of a new baby's life - it's hard, you're both tired, life feels upside down, and that's without the added stress of PND. Talk to DH - maybe send a friendly email - sorry I gave you a look but was worn out and really disappointed about bottles, etc. We found that a generally conciliatory no-blame approach got us out of most arguments in the end. Because sometimes you'll be out of order, and sometimes he will, and it should all balance out in the end. I cannot imagine a single couple who haven't rowed more than usual in the first few months of their first baby. It does get better...

Absolutely normal. I nearly cried when a friend admitted feelings like this to me in the early days - everyone else seemed to be sailing through the whole thing. I wish more people would own up to the dark moments of the early days.

It does get better, I promise. Hugs.

Oh it's just a crap time isn't it? I felt exactly the same (as I mentioned in previous posts). Me and dh hardly ever argued until our ds was born last August. We seem to bicker at least once a day now but I'm hoping it's just as our baby is a grumpy difficult bugger which make us both very stressed and me quite snappy. I really don't understand how or why people have a baby to 'fix' a relationship or to 'bring them closer together'. We have found the exact opposite. Not that we aren't still close but certainly there are strains which weren't there before Joseph arrived. Like you say though- you can't blame the baby for it, we're the adults and it sounds like you have a fairly good reason to be upset with dh. However I'd try not to dwell on it. I'd try and talk to him or email him and smooth things over. You need eachother more than ever right now. Of course it's up to you though and I really sympathise with your situation and your feelings.

It won't always be like this. Keep taking each day as it comes and take full advantage of any help your parents offer. Keep imagining your gorgeous little boy when he can crawl or walk and talk. I promise, you won't still be pacing round and listening to him scream forever. It really will improve. It just feels like a long way off!

I hope you don't mind (I may be being nosey, as usual) but a lady on mumsnet nickname: leonieandevie, is moving to Sydney and I mentioned your nickname to her in the hope that you two may want to chat or just not feel so alone out there.) Sorry if I've been presumptious, I really hope you don't mind.

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Thank you, as ever, for supporting me through this nightmare. The worst 24 hours in about three weeks. Triggered by row with DH - we're in a slightly better place now - but baby WILL NOT settle. Perhaps it's because of me. I saw a look of alarm on my mum's face I've never seen before. Complete meltdown in front of them. She's asking if and when my medication can be increased. Now I think they get it. They did a shift this evening to let us rest. But I have slid (or should I say plummeted) back to how I was at the beginning: sweating, racing heart, desperate to escape, can't sleep, feel sick, no appetite, hands shake when I have to pick up the baby - just want to get away from the baby, make him GO AWAY. I really do feel like I am going mad. I am not me. I can't think straight. I try to think of the baby being older, better, but it just panics me more. I don't want to deal with him when he's older. I don't want him at all. I hate my life and I hate me for feeling this way and causing so many loved ones so much stress.

I am so frightened to have regressed to feeling like this. I thought the medication and the therapy was getting on top of it. My head feels like it's going to explode. I had a moment, a brief moment, this afternoon when the baby started to wake and cry after I'd held him for ages, where I wanted to throw him out of the window. I knew I couldn't, so instead I wanted to throw myself out. That's when I caught the look on my mum's face. I was handling the baby roughly, I knew I was, but I couldn't stop. I am so angry. I'm like a coiled spring. I fed him with tears falling down my face. i couldn't look at him. How can I have fallen so far, so fast, again? Please, anyone with experience of PND, is this common? I stupidly thought I'd started to feel more balanced and it would simply get better from there. I have crashed back down and I am terrified. I need to sleep but I can't face going into the bedroom. If he starts to cry, which he will at some point, I don't know how I will react - if the sane or the mad version will go to him. DH came home from work after 3 hours sleep. I can't disturb him. He will do his shifts overnight, but not when he has to go to work, it's just not fair. And the reality is in three weeks time I will HAVE to get on with it, for hours at a time, on my own, because my parents will be back in England. That petrifies me. More than anything, I'm worried about what I will do when there is nobody here to watch my behaviour or take the baby off me. I've got to face it. Please, those who've faced this, remind me of coping strategies, how to get through each hour, each minute. I feel like I need to be reminded how to breathe.

Sorry. With all the wonderful advice and support you've shown me I feel like I've let you all down.

Hi! Mother Nature is such a bitch isn't she, she gives you this perfect person for free but with so many strings atached!

I breast fed but It is the same either way, the lack of sleep is a real killer. My DS started to go 5-6 hours at about 10-12 weeks, which was exactly the time at which I thought I was at the very end of my tether.

It does get better - keep talking to other girls in same position, keep talking to DH (thoughts of dumping him are normal, not irrational!), make your HV or MW or Doctor listen to your feelings and offer support in response, and ALWAYS accept any offer from your good friends/family to babysit for you at night or during the day.

When you get your first smile you will get your first lift andit is the start of you feeling so proud of your little monster!!

Hang in there - we have every one of us - been right down there in that dark place at sometime.

Oh NL,
You're baby is only 5-6 weeks, so i can fully understand the despair you are feeling. I haven't read the whole thread so i'm not sure what your financial position is, but are you able to get any help once your parents leave?

I will be shot down for this, but i don't care as i just want to help. Can you afford a maternity nurse or night nurse once your parents leave? The reason i say this is that extra pair of hands that is not family (where you feel like some pretense of okay-ness or not letting them down can bring on even more pressure)might be really helpful. I was breastfeeding and after 2 weeks, my DH thought i would really go over the edge, he got me a maternity nurse for two weeks - and i continued to breastfeed - (she would wake me in the night to do a feed) - and then will let me go back to sleep as she changed and settled the baby. It also means my supply went back up as i ate better and calmed down a bit more. I was petrified when she left, but i felt my batteries were re-charged and though hand on heart i can say it didn't really start to get materially better until she was about 12 weeks, that 2 weeks of paid help made all the difference to me it just really allowed me to gain some perspective. I had the same exact thought of hurtling DD out the window one night and one night whilst trying to stop her from crying and my DH watching, i dropped her but caught her straight away before she hit the floor. That really scared my DH - but at that time, i didn't care.

I told my DH i was willing to sell my engagement ring if it meant i could have paid help for a while. (i didn't, we managed in the end).

Am sorry if this advice has been given or if purists think this isn't helpful. All i'm saying is that it was helpful to me - my DD is now 4 and i have a DS who is 2 and i cannot imagine my life without them.

I think your ideas are all worthy- -hope no-ne shoots you down Page !!

I feel that whatever it takes to get you through the first few months is worth doing,...there are loads of tips to choose from and every single one is right if it works for you.

I would never shoot anyones advice down,...it is free and it just might work. I take a bit from here and there and find my way for my baby - might be different for next baby!

It comes from bein a bit longer in the tooth than most first time mothers perhaps, but I hope it is a philosophy that helps.

Poor you NL. I can't imagine how scary this must be for you. I agree with Page62 about getting some practical help if you can possibly afford it. If you can't get a maternity nurse, then even a cleaner or domestic help for an hour a day would be an enormous help. I found that just looking at the mess in the house and mentally seeing lists of things to be done (laundry, ironing, washing up, loading/unloading dishwasher, sterilising bottles, shopping for food, etc) was so depressing as I felt I was the only one who do them. If someone can do some of those chores and let you focus on yourself, the baby and DH it might help a bit and allow you to rest a bit more. Do you have any friends who could come round and give you a bit of a breather with the baby when your parents leave?
Do remember that everyone here is supporting you and we are right when we say that it will get better, but the first few weeks are the toughest. DD is such a delight now, but was a crying, screaming monster in the first weeks. As soon as they are able to communicate more with you, that will help. I can really recommend the Dunstan baby language DVD www.dunstanbaby.com/, to help decipher their cries. When you know why they are crying, it is much easier to meet their needs and stop it.
Hang in there. Things will improve. Try not to be so hard on yourself when you have a rough day. It may seem one step forward and two steps back but you and baby are making lots of little steps forward every day, it's just that they go unnoticed when you feel so stressed out and tired.

NL -- so sorry you are going through this. Have you rung the psych?

Pinkypig made a suggestion ages ago which I really think you need to consider. I'm pasting it again below. Just approaching the unit knowing it is there if necessary might take some pressure off. Pinkypig calls it a 'godsend'. You said you have health insurance: so use it.

'You made a point about help here 9in Australia. Try www.beyondblue.org.au there is a big section on PND and help in your area (NSW). I have had a look and you might want to explore www.karitane.com.au - they have a residential unit which might help you get through the stage to where the medication begins to work. They are just suggestions. I think you need private health cover for the residential unit. If you have this USE IT!! I was in a mother and baby unit for 4 weeks which was a god send as before I entered the unit I had 6 weeks of anxiety induced insomnia which, in my opinion, was truly a living hell.'

I had the crashes. Yes I remember that awful feeling of hoping you're on the way up, and then being dragged under again. It's almost worse because you've almost begun to hope it is behind you. Thinking of you. Please check out pinkypig's link.

Oh NL, its been a tough week, the anti-ds have not kicked in yet and it will still be another week or so til they do (think 4-6 weeks after you start taking them)... you will have steps forward and steps back. You haven't fallen at all, i think the placebo effect was keeping you going for a bit - it will get better. can oyur parents stay on for a few extra weeks??

my mother panicked when she saw the state of me when ds was 3 weeks old. i was in such a state, i got a taxi 3 hours to airport, and flew with 3 week old to see her - was desparate. She had never seen me like this and i guess its hard for your mum too and there is little she can do to change how you feel. I too felt v angry towards ds in front of mum and mil - both quickly took over and have never judged me for it thankfully. you're mum probably doesn't know what to do to help you. Also she hasn't seen how you feel because you've been putting on front and feeling guilty about spoiling their holiday. if your mum can be of any help, sod her 'holiday' and make use of her.

I think you need a break, your mum or maternity nurse can look after baby for a while whilst you get head together. Talk to your psychologist and your dh whether he likes it or not. My dh said when ds was 3 weeks and i left him to go to mums, 'you've gone from being my hero [v.traumateic birth] to zero' and walked off. He had no idea but fortunately we sorted it out - i think he was terrified of the change in me since baby arrived.
Basically, tell people how you feel - if only to keep you and baby 'safe'
Hope this helps xxxx

So sorry for you NL. It is completely normal though . Lots of parents feel this way and it doesn't mean they love their child any less. At a week old your baby is coming to terms with a completely different world to the one he's lived in for 9 mths. You could compare it to you going to live on Mars where nothing would be familiar IYSWIM.

Give it time. On a practical note it may help if your DH can do lots of the nappy changing and chores if you are bf, so you can try to rest during feeds. Also appreciate that DH may be able to do some comforting in the night if food is not what baby wants. Don't assume that all crying is hunger, check for nappy, wind, comfort needed, too hot/cold, bored, overstimulated (this can be the case in the first few weeks, especially if you have lots of visitors wanting cuddles.)

Try not to worry too much about domestic bliss, it isn't important at this stage. Once you accept that your life has changed for ever you will start to enjoy it, especially as he starts to smile in a few weeks.

PS NL when dd was about 2 wks I had fed on and off all night, was exhausted, she had been sick after every feed so I had changed her 5 times in as many hours, I handled her roughly due to the frustration which mad eher cry more. It was at this point I had to walk into the bedroom to DH with dd at arms length. I just said 'take it, I can't do anything with it.' This was PND and I never got diagnosed with it.

Everyone has a moment where they feel out of control but they still love their children.

oh i really feel for you - it's horrendous and you can't imagine it will ever end. just when you're up, you crash back down again. i haven't read the entire thread, but i think many people go through what you're experiencing, with varying degrees of severity

i didn't have fully diagnosed PND, but i had quite severe baby blues (saying that with hindisght, at the time i thought i was just going mad) I found the first few weeks of having DD absolute hell. i had an easy breezy pregnancy, then hideous labour, emergency cs and no end of problems bf. on christmas day (when dd was 2 weeks old) i thought i would lose the plot. worst xmas ever - weeping with big swollen boobs, baby screaming, whole family there listening and watching. i felt so detached from DD - i think i would have quite happily given her away and not thought twice about it, just to make the screaming stop and get a good night's sleep

it all makes you feel like you're somehow failing, because let's face it, we've all been told motherhood is this glorious state of being that just comes naturally. but the truth is nothing and nobody can prepare you for the shock of having a new baby. if you think about it, labour is hugely physically demanding just by itself - follow that with the craziest hormones ever and no sleep, you're bound to feel awful. plus, you can't hand them back or say "i don't fancy feeding him just now, i'll do it later" - it's a complete shock to the system. i actually wondered how life was managing to go on in the outside world, when i couldn't even get up or dress myself or laugh without being doubled over in pain

it does pass gradually as you get more used to eachother. he'll start smiling and engaging with you soon and things start to become a bit fun, instead of a horrible never ending shore. but 2 things that made our lives easier have been

1. sleeping DD on her front - she haaaaaated sleeping on her back. she didn't settle at all, ever, not once. As soon as we flipped her over she started sleeping several hours at a stretch. You need to consider SIDS advice and your own circumstances and risk factors, of course, but this really did go a long way to restoring some sanity

2. letting her cry every now and then, only picking her up if she went for more than say 10 minutes (having ensured she's not cold, hungry, dirty etc). it gives you a breather and DS may learn to settle himself a bit better. it's more painful to you than to him and if he goes off to sleep without help from you, so much the better

DD is 13 weeks now and the difference between now and the early days is huge - you'll get there, you really will. in the meantime, if you can do anything at all to calm yourself down, you'll be more relaxed when handling DS and hopefully this will have a positive effect too

oh, and one thing i did that was just for me and helped me get through each day was having a sacred untouchable 20 minute or so bathtime in the evening. i used to look forward to that all day long, and grab it when DD was sleeping. sometimes i would even have 2 baths a day

hang in there - and hopefully soon the good balanced bits will outweigh all the negative feelings you're having. try and focus on things that HAVE improved - eg no longer having to BF, if that was causing you problems

NL, as others have said, your posts bring back so many memories of when ds was born. It was terrible, nothing prepared me for how awful it was and how I felt as if my whole identity had been sucked away. I also resented dh as although it clearly did have an effect on his life, it did not devastate it in the way I felt mine was. If I am honest, I had no feelings at all for ds and they took months to come.

My salvation was returning to work part-time so I had some space to be an adult again (although I now wish I could be at home more). The other way I coped was routines. I went to the same places at the same times on each day of the week. If I knew what I was supposed to be doing next I could make myself do it, otherwise I just wallowed in misery. The more time I spent out of the house (on a set walk, on the bus, in a cafe) the better it was and the less I felt I had to deal with a screaming monster.

Could you leave him with your mother for one day a week and try and get some of yourself back?

Ds is 4.10 now and I love him more than words can express, I would willingly die for him. He also has a 3 year old sister so I think your feelings will pass, but they may take longer than you think.

NL - I've not read the whole of the thread, but have to try to reassure you that what you are experiencing is completely "normal" in PND. I suffered really badly after DD was born and so many of your comments in your last post ring so very true with me. I told my DH that I wanted to get DD adopted, and endlessly asked him "what have I done? why have I had this baby that makes me so miserable?" Ironic really, when I had gone through 2 years of investigations and fertility treatment to get pregnant in the first place! I remember thinking that DD was going to stay 5 weeks old forever, because it was the first week where I was completely on my own with her and it seemed to stretch on for an eternity. I was hanging on in there for her first smile, thinking that it would make everything better. Sadly not, but at least you do start to feel like you are getting a tiny bit back from them.

You asked about coping strategies - if I was on my own with DD (I had a wide circle of "baby" friends but still suffered badly when they weren't around) and it was all getting too much, I would pop her in the pram and pound the streets. With sunglasses on so the world couldn't see me crying! It's hard to drag yourself out when you are sleep deprived but I found it far better than just sitting in with her (something to do with exercise endorphins no doubt).

If you are worried about harming your baby when it all gets too much, put him somewhere safe and walk away for a few minutes. He will not come to any harm and it will give you the space to calm down.

Finally, take it an hour at a time, and try to recognise when it's been a good hour. Those good hours will eventually expand into good days. Most importantly, keep talking to the great people on here.

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Oh god, you poor woman. I have been thinking about you a lot recently.

I know how you feel about your mum. Mine has just gone back to Australia and I followed her taxi down the middle of one of Shanghai's busiest roads, weeping copiously.

Is there any chance your mum may be able to extend her visit with you? Or that you and the baby could return to the UK with her until you've found your sea legs?

Not being on my own with the baby (who doesn't sound anything like as challenging as yours) was SO comforting and reassuring.

Can you get an emergency appointment with your GP today? If it does all become too much in the middle of the night, always remember you can go to A&E.

FWIW, I disagree that your DH shouldn't help at night when he has to work. If what you are doing during the day isn't work, I don't know what is - especially as (a) it's all new and you are on an incredible learning curve, (b) it is the most important job in the world and (c) you are not well. I found the sleep deprivation drove me to my absolute limit - DH realised this and did his share during the night (even tho I was breastfeeding). He is a surgeon and works long hours - it was hard for him but he just coped. His patients were depending on him but our daughter was depending on me.

I am not, of course, wanting to increase the tension between you and your DH by saying this - it's just another perspective. Nor do I want to give the impression that it was all harmony between me and DH in the early days - things have never been more difficult before or since.

All the other suggestions here are excellent.

Hugs

Heartily agree with franch - perhaps your parents need to have a word to him and tell him that you have PND and this is the "sickness" bit of your wedding vows coming into play.

But I came back to add: dummies rock! I know some people think they are the devil's gobstoppers, but they're marvellous. If you haven't already, get several different brands and try out all the shapes. You do have to re-insert them but even five minutes' silence can be golden.