Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I want you to know that just because my posts are often brief (and always negative!) it's only because I don't have time to write more - no time to acknowledge more of your suggestions or to empathize with what I read here. But I'm reading everything and it means a huge amount to me. It's been a total lifesaver.

Still not sleeping great, but better. The drugs must be kicking in. Also feel 'safe' for having my parents here, even if mum can be a bit interfering with the baby sometimes. Ironically it's now DH who is plummeting into the blackness. He admitted just now he has an overwhelming urge to leave me and the baby and run away, back to his single life. He won't, of course. And I know underneath all this he loves me. He's just feeling what I've been feeling. How can I criticize him for that?

I have to go. Thank you again.

I'm pleased you're feeling a tiny bit better. Will DH see the GP? He's had a hell of a introduction to parenting, too.

NL it is TERRIFIC news that there is even a small improvement in your sleep - that is a great sign. It really is a case of gradual, slow improvement during this period.

I would encourage you to push ahead with the PND group/other mother's groups while your parents are here so that you have a wider safety net when they leave.

It is really tough on DH for them to see you in this situation and that is also completely normal. Mine took a while to come round but mustn't have been very scarred by it as he is totally gung-ho about #2 due in July!!!!

PP

It will all be a distant memory soon.

This morning:

It's my birthday. My parents want us all to go out somewhere. The baby has not stopped crying since 6.30am and it's now midday. DH in totally bad mood, and I'm mad at him because his way of dealing with the baby's yelling is to go and lock himself in the office and leave it to me. Then I've been hiding because my mum keeps being all dramatic about the crying and telling us what is 'wrong' with the baby. The phone keeps ringing with people wanting to speak to me to wish me a happy birthday ('the first as a mummy, you must be overjoyed') and I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to go out for lunch with a fractious baby, a husband in a fury, and a mother who keeps telling me what to do. I don't want to 'celebrate'. I feel stressed and knackered. I'd be quite happy if they all went out and celebrated without me.

Sorry for continually moaning. I know this is part and parcel of being a new parent. I'm just very unsure that I want any of it. Just had to vent. Thanks for continuing to remind me it will all get better... PP, mothers group starts tomorrow. Will keep you posted. x

Update three hours later:

Just had a total meltdown over lunch in public, how embarrassing. Now that I've started crying - the one thing I haven't done since having him - I can't seem to stop. The combination of a really stressful morning, feeling like I should be in celebratory mood because that's what my parents wanted, then watching a mothers group come in and sit at the next table, and all start breastfeeding and laughing and chatting - I could not have felt more alien to them all, or more intimidated about the group I'm meant to be joining tomorrow. The final straw was mum talking incessantly about babies - I just felt totally smothered and staggered off for a good cry in the loo. Trouble was I couldn't stop. My 'celebration' lunch turned into us all sitting in silent misery with nothing but the chinking of cutlery as the tears rolled down my face behind my dark glasses (thank goodness for the Australian sunshine). I feel so guilty as my parents wanted to take me out for a nice birthday lunch, but I should have been honest this morning and told them I felt stressed and shit.

Well I won't forget this birthday in a hurry. ..

Oh please don't feel guilty. It's pointless wishing you a Happy Birthday as right now that's not what your feeling. I know exactly how you feel about watching other mums out for dinner. That concept still seems totally alien to me (dd is 7 months old) and I still hate going out to places like that with a whingey, crying baby.

Could you maybe leave ds with your parents and just get out on your own for a bit. You'll probably still just sit in a daze or maybe cry but a rest from the crying has to be a good thing.

You never know, now you've started crying, it could be a sign of you dealing with things. Sometimes it's best to let these things out rather than bottling it up. You may start to feel little more human again soon.

So sorry you had a shit birthday. Believe me, by your next birthday things will be totally different. Your little boy will be a toddler and able to communicate a little better instead of scream all the time. I know that must feel like a lifetime away (I still feel this but I am counting down to dds 1st birthday). It really does get easier, not all of a sudden. Sometimes it happens so slowly that you don't notice or maybe it's that your mind forgets how bad things were. Honestly though, this stage will pass and you will feel strong again.

Hang in there and try and use your parents visit as to escape a bit if you can. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best! x

Birthday commiserations, NL.

It sounds to me as if your parents, lovely though they surely are, haven't quite grasped the PND thing yet. Nice thought, but a celebratory lunch means being out in public, pressure and expectation, none of which are a good fit with PND.

You are ill. Normal things aren't doable yet. That day will come but right now you all have to keep thinking 'baby steps'. Or even 'no steps at all, standing still is better than going backwards'. Trust your instincts, and be as assertive as you can (though I know it's almost impossible when you feel like this): you knew this lunch wasn't going to work, and you were right. Dump the guilt.

I think in these circs, crying is good. It's a physical reminder to everyone else that you aren't well and that they have to treat you differently.

Still thinking of you and sending support. Don't worry re mother's group- I sat and wept without stopping during the first meeting of mine. I thought that they must all be thinking what a terrible mother I was and despising me for not coping- in fact (as I have found out now) they all just felt desperately sympathetic and understood exactly what I was going through. Can you try and get out without ds or get your parents to take the baby out without you? I found it impossible to relax knowing she was in the house- once my mum just chucked the screaming baby in the pram and left me to it- just an hour of having a cup of tea and relaxing made me see that there might be a chink of light at the end of the very long tunnel....

Sending positive vibes on your birthday. I would have had meltdown too in your situation!! I also saw other mums looking chatty and happy and bf and so on, and felt crap. It was only when I started talking to said mums that I realised that we're all like swans, all serene on the surface and paddling like hell underneath.

If your mother keeps knowing what to do, maybe let her take the baby for an afternoon and do her stuff? I found a "shift system" incredibly helpful in the early days. DH actually preferred looking after DD on his own, without me hovering in the background weeping.

Hang on in there.

Hi NL,

Sorry your birthday was rubbish - sometimes special days put too much pressure on us and you sound so like me (ie not able to sit and pretend to have a good time when you feel crap) i second wobbegong - i had good weeks and bad weeks at mother and baby groups depending on who went. if it was people like me it was great but if the 'perfect' mums came, i felt really isolated.

What does your mum think is 'wrong' with the baby?? If she keeps telling you what to do, ask her to show you what she means - if/when it doesn't work, ask her what she would do next. Sometimes its really easy to offer adivec when you haven't got to put it into action for 12 or 24 hours a day!! I'm not picking on your mum, my mum is very good a long distance advice and then saying, 'but you must persevere' - like its that easy!!! And interestingly, she has a very low threshold for my ds and her other grandchildren - its laughable.....

oh yeah - and crying is a good sign -it shows the numbness is passing (numbness is a sign of more severe pnd than crying) and that you are beginning to feel stuff again. Its painful and may get worse before it gets better but tis good for you!!!!

Good luck
xx

Hi everyone, I've calmed down a bit since the birthday disaster - had a pretty shit night with the baby but that's kind of ok in the grand scheme of things. MyEye you're right - it's just too soon to be trying to meet other people's expectations and going out in public and trying to be jolly. The trouble is my parents have spent a fortune to fly halfway round the world and I feel guilty that they have hardly been out of the house and all they have done is jobs. It would be completely different if they just lived down the road, or even in the same country. They don't have much money and they've spent a fortune to get here and I feel obliged to make sure that every now and again they are doing something relatively 'holiday-like' and nice. Although obviously lunch out the other day went completely pear shaped...

I'm realising how much of the negativity I'm feeling is directly related to how the baby is behaving. Is that a really obvious thing to say? When he's asleep, I look at him and feel actually quite proud and some warmth towards him. When he's screaming he just severely stresses me out, gets on my nerves and I want to run away, back to my previous life.

DH is pissing me off. He's taking full advantage of my parents and is coming home, eating his dinner and buggering off into the office (not offering to help them with the washing up or me with the baby). In the morning he's leaving his dirty dishes in the sink so that while I have a fractious, hungry baby to deal with and I (or mum) have to clear up after him. It doesn't take the psychologist to tell me he's in some kind of male denial. Fine - I understand how that feels, but I still need help and he has to do his bit. (He'd never ever go to the GPs about it - his way of dealing with stuff he finds difficult is to hide in his office or go and fiddle about in the garage and be really grumpy). I know I'm going to have to say something to him but it will inevitably lead to a row and I can't bear that right now.

The mothers group was surprisingly good, I'm glad I went. There were three of us bottle feeding to my immense relief and another English girl who I clicked with. There were a couple of annoyingly blissed out new mums but lots of general comments about lack of sleep. Funnily enough the only comment that really got to me was from the midwife running the group. She was asking us all questions and she said: "When I had my children I was totally unprepared for the wall of love that hit me as soon as I saw them - didn't you find that?" And various girls were nodding their heads enthusiastically - not me, obviously. I concentrated on staring at my feet...

But I will go again next week. Seven days. It feels like such a long time right now.

Better go and start feeding...

completely and utterly normal.
good advice to sleep when the baby sleeps, sod the washing and all that stuff. If you can afford it get a cleaner to come in and do it for you, or get friends etc round to help out. whatever you do, sleep whenever you get the chance as everything looks a lot less awful through rested eyes.

And remember that husband's are actually 2 year olds in disguise and so also need kid gloves!

or is that just my one?

poor you re the birthday.
i had ds1 when i was 5 days off my 19th birthday.
my mum bought me a bottle of bubble bath, ran me a bath, told me to get in it, and took ds1 out for a big long walk with a bottle of expressed milk in her bag.
it was the best birthday present she could ever have got me.
my then partner bought me a breast pump, which sounds dire, but actually, meant i could get some sleep and he could feed at night... i think it happened maybe once! but oo, that was a very nice once!
just think low key, think easy, think relax, and remember that you are a mum now, and so totally entitled to tell everyone to bugger off, that you and the baby need to [insert whatever you need to do here] and that is that. it doesn;t matter how well meaning everyone is, you have to remember that a happy mum is a happy baby and put yourself first.
it is the only time in your life when you will be told forcibly to look out for yourself - so make the most of it!

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I read that the baby blues would last couple of days or so but mine lasted about 4 weeks, I would see women out and about without a baby - they looked normal, vaguely rested and I was sick with envy .

We were in hospital for the 1st week (which was the only week my partner had off) so our 1st week at home I was on my own so I would plan to see someone from the real world every day so I could have some form of interaction. That really helped me get through those days.

My little boy is now 3 months and life better beyond compare. I think the real change came for me when he first smiled. He sleeps longer, plays and the feeds are more spaced out. But even saying that I still have bad days (including today) where I look at this screaming red face and it's all I can do to not cry, but I remember the words of a very good and wise friend:
Everything is a phase; the good and the bad and it will pass .

Good luck and hang in there

Wall of love. erm... not so sure about that one. What a silly thing to say. It's weird isn't it how people say things without thinking, and if you've just had a baby you're so sensitive it bothers you for ages afterwards.

That's so lovely that you feel proud of your baby now and some warmth towards him. Even if that is not all the time, it's a step in the right direction. and good news too about the nice people at the mothers group.

got to go- being wailed at!

my mood varied according to how ds was during the crying days.
i veered between overwhelmimg love (when ds was asleep in my arms) and despair as he shrieked his head off. and then back again.

it helps to realise it.

glad to know the baby group was good. i was also terrified of how ds would cry and everyone else would think i was a crap mother. he did, and they didn't (or if they did they hid it well!)

wall of love! humph. mine had lots of holes in initially. more like a very high arch maybe.

Hold onto those glimmers, NL. Great news that the mothers' group felt good, and also that you are enjoying DS, albeit in fleeting spurts!

You must junk the guilt re your parents, there's no way around it. I'm sure getting you stable is far more important to them than seeing the sights. If it would make you feel better, and if you could cope with it, send them off for a trip on a day when you have something planned -- are you taking the baby to the mothers' group? But otherwise, worrying about how THEY are feeling won't get you anywhere.

DH... well, from the sound of it, it's only natural you're feeling cross with him. Worth remembering that PND can intensify these irritated feelings, though.

That said, I think it's worth having that talk with him sooner rather than later. Otherwise you will just coil up with tension everytime he leaves a spoon on the counter. If you can, appeal to his better nature rather than criticising him ('I need your help with this as far as clearing up goes, just so I can feel confident about us coping when my parents leave' rather than 'You left your blinking bowl in the sink again you toerag').

a/ Has he accompanied you to meetings with your GP re the PND? Does he KNOW what is going on? Has the GP given him an idea of how to cope with it? (I made DH come to an appt, and it was great, there was no escape. He had to engage with the facts. It helped massively.)

b/ What do your parents make of his behaviour? Could either of them pull him aside to make an action plan for the time after they leave?

You know, I do think you love your baby very much. Everything you write shows you to be a sensitive, thoughtful and deeply caring person.
If you didn't love your son you wouldn't be trying to soothe him all night. You wouldn't bother.
You're so, so tired and unhappy and guilty about his distress that these feelings overwhelm you and the glimmers of loving feelings disappear under that huge wave, but they are there.
You are thoughtful about your DH even when he makes you angry at times, thoughtful about your parents even when they are not as helpful as you'd hoped. You post in gratitude to mners even when you are at your wits end. You do recognise that everyone is struggling in their own way around this momentous event, especially you. Those are qualities that make you a loving mum.
I hope the ads are soothing you a little. It WILL change. Maybe not for a while, but eventually. Take it minute by minute.

You are so not alone in how you feel - Daisy is the product of 6 years of IVF and miscarriages and as such, I assumed it would all be so natural as she was so wanted. I then spent the first few weeks just wishing to have my old life back, and I still feel like that now on occassions ( ie daily rather than all day !)

The things that I have found that help are :
listen to trashy novels on ipod / tapes etc - D may be complaining, but it does give you something else to think about
I found that the sitting about mum groups were not for me, but baby yoga and buggy excersise keep me sane (ish) and I imagine that Australia has some of those - remember, everyone is HUGELY grateful if your baby is the yelling one !!

I think Clouded's points are really well made. Good luck, you are so not alone, as the 420 posts show !

I have had some amazing advice, empathy and encouragement here. Thank you once again, so much. It's nice to know I'm not alone in having chased this for so long, then wished I could run away from it. It's so hard to understand my own feelings, I really didn't expect anyone else to understand. But as you say, 420 posts show I'm not the first to be reacting this way, even after wanting it for so long. And that gives me more comfort than you can know.

I went back to the psychologist today. Along with talking everything through generally, he gave me some excellent practical advice: to consciously slow everything down by 50 per cent, from the pace I walk at, to the speed I talk at and the number of words I come out with, to the way I breathe. He said it will take a lot of conscious effort on my part but by deliberately slowing myself down I will allow myself to process things in a more calm way and I will also slow down the reactions of those around me (ie my parents who are being wonderful but have a habit of talking over each other and directing numerous questions at me at once, which I'm not dealing very well with at the moment as my stress levels are so high and my head feels stuffed to the max with all things babies). Of course I left his office and drove like a maniac in order to fit in a trolley dash around the supermarket... But tomorrow is another day and I am going to try and slow down and see if it makes a difference. The Zoloft a/ds are being increased to help bring the anxiety levels down, too, and induce a bit more sleep than I'm currently getting.

I always knew I was a bit of a control freak, but having a baby is making me realise just how badly I need to be in control and how hard it is to be 'dictated to' by this small being. You simply cannot predict anything, from how much sleep you will get to when the crying will start or stop, and I am finding that incredibly hard to deal with. Too many years of living my life exactly (well, more or less) how I want and being in control of my career etc. I guess. By losing so much control - I even find it hard to not be playing host to my parents and to be reverting to an almost child-like state of needing to be looked after by them, even though it's what I really need - I feel like the essence of me is missing at the moment, and it's really frightening.

But I am feeling a little less terrified than when I first started posting, and Clouded I hope you are right and that there is love, real love, for my baby in there somewhere.

As for DH, no, MyEye, he hasn't accompanied me to my appointments and when I told him about the PND mothers group I will be attending, and that the last two weeks of the six weekly sessions are for partners to attend, too, to learn more about PND, what it means, and how to cope, he simply said: 'No thanks. I came with you to antenatal classes, so I've done my bit. I hate that kind of thing.' Slightly crushing response. I'm hoping, when it comes to it, he'll change his mind. Just as he is probably hoping, by the time the end of the group looms, I will be 'cured' and it won't be necessary...

Well, I've had my fifteen minutes of peace and indulgence! Got to go. Thanks again for your wonderful posts and for carrying me through this, which is really what it feels like you have done for me. I would not have raised my hand for help and be getting the support I am without you.

Ten mins later:

I've just peeped in on our baby, who is sleeping. I know it's always so much easier to feel something for them when they're sleeping peacefully, but I just stood and looked at him for a few minutes: our strong, healthy son. And I felt utterly ashamed of my feelings. I hardly pause for breath to say anything positive about him, yet for years all I ever wanted was to be able to give birth to our baby, and for the baby to be healthy. At moments like this I pull myself up and can see, objectively, how lucky we are. I just need to be able to feel it. One day, one day...

you have nothing to be ashamed of, you are a responsible caring mum who sometimes muddles through and feels shit about it. sounds as if you are getting support, don't punish your self looking for results.babies are unique intangible bundles of idiosyncratic personality not a concrete tangible intellectual work task

so yeah slow down deep breath gotta give yourself permission to go with the flow. give the AD's time to work too

eat well, get out and hey it does get easier

Remember that it has been such a short time. I know that for you it seems like forever- but believe me time goes quicker and quicker and every day things will get slightly better. Before you know it your son will be smiling at you, reaching out for things, playing with things on his own... and you will look back at this time as a hazy nightmare.

Some people, undoubtedly, do feel a 'wall of love' immediately- for others it takes time. I used to feel such a complex mix of emotions looking at my dd- confusion, resentment, fear, and most of all guilt that I couldn't give her the love that she deserved. Other people (and dh) would be cooing over her and saying how gorgeous she was- I just felt utterly detached from the whole situation. But it came-eventually- and it will for you.