Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Hi NL,

I just read your last post and you sound like you need help and wanted to check in.

If you really feel at breaking point please do explore Karitane in Sydney as this could be just what you need. They will take a holistic view of both you and your baby.

I mentioned before the anxiety and panic attacks I had in the early (and hardest) stages of my PND. There is medication (I had Xanax) that is great for shot term moments of extreme panic. There is also additonal medication I won't mention on here but if you need to reduce your anxiety levels it might help. You would need to speak to your GP (or I would strongly suggest as psychiatrist). All this would just be to get you over the hump - it's not a life sentence.

I hope your parents being around helps things for you.

PPx

I can't tell you how much your replies mean to me. Thank you so much. I'm going to look into several of your suggestions: cradle, vibrating chair, cradling tightly, cranial osteopathy (despite sniffy reaction of nurse at early childhood centre - they don't have to live with a screaming baby at 4am). Oh and Milkgoddess I have kind of been cosleeping by accident - putting sling on and taking baby to bed in desperation before dawn breaks. He sleeps so I calm down a bit. But I do want him to get used to sleeping in his bassinet as it's exhausting having to carry him 24 hours a day. Mum and Dad are taking over the general running of the house which means I can concentrate on the baby and not feel so overwhelmed by all the other tasks. I'm still on a really short fuse and feel incredibly guilty that this is their greeting after traveling halfway round the world.

Well I am being shooed to bed (how nice!) although I doubt I'll sleep it will be nice to have break. Thank you so much again for being my lifeline. x

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hi NL hope your parents are able to help you out. that is why they have come- don't feel guilty! my parents were pleased to be able to help me when i was struggling. hope you got some sleep xx

apols for one handed typing- small dd on lap!

hi there hun.you poor thing.i renember the feeling soo well i only live 60miles from my parents but at the time it might as well have been a thousand,but what you are feeling may well be pnd as well as certain feelings you are feeling is normal.i would def go see doc,as i know when i was told by doc what was wrong it really help[ed me,sorry about spelling. if you ever need a natter feel free to email me.at [email protected]

hello nl. hope you had some sleep.
would second co-sleeping. i tried not to with ds, much for the same reasons as you, ie didn't want him to get used to not sleeping in his cot/moses basket. next time i am so not going to have that battle. if it doesn't sleep in the cot we're bedding down together.
(ds won anyway, and from 5 weeks to 11 weeks decided the only place he was sleeping during the day was on my chest thank you very much. is now asleep in his cot. ignore all those books that put the fear of god into you re bad habits....)

also, your parents are probably delighted they can help. being useful makes people feel so good.

you are doing well. amd it will get better.

hugs.

It's SO nice that you think of me and ask how it's going. Haven't posted only because I don't get a SECOND to myself. Even now after HOURS the baby will not settle - constantly grizzling. Thank god parents are here and are being such a help but I am in a huge panic (again) about them leaving and how on earth I will cope. I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel yet. PP thank you for reminding me about Karitane - I have private health insurance but I'm guessing I'd need a GP referral or one from the nurses at the Early Childhood Centre...? Do you happen to know?

Progress to date: my name is down for a Tresillian day centre for settling issues, but not until the 17th March. In the meantime, I've been to see another psychologist, local to the area, who runs mother's groups for those of us with PND. That should be starting within the next month. She got me to fill in some forms and confirmed I've had a 'severe' reaction and had I not got help so quickly I would have ended up with major depression issues. The earlier you get the severe symptoms, the worse you end up in the long run if it's left untreated, it appears. So for anyone reading this who might just be at the same stage I am/was PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND NOW AND GET HELP - DON'T WAIT.

She also reassured me that in the vast majority of cases it's not about the baby at all, but other 'stuff' that raises its head during this time. She said the love WILL come and my god I hope she's right. That is my worst fear: that I will always feel this 'nothingness' for him; this trapped, this panicked, this lack of any real emotion apart from (I hate myself for saying it) regret. I miss my old life. I miss the freedom. I can't believe I relish even five minutes to myself, to type this. Every waking moment is taken up feeding, rocking, patting, sterilising, cleaning, washing, preparing, changing, soothing, worrying and panicking. Even in the brief times I sleep I don't escape; I dream about it all. And I dream about my DH, our old life, our intimacy. I miss it so much. I know you have all said it will get better but right now it is so, so hard to see how and when it will ever be. And here I am, after years of infertility, of trying, of losing babies - here I am with a strong, healthy son and listen to me. It's vile. This reaction, this illness, disgusts me. It's perverse. I am so envious of anyone who loves their child so easily, so effortlessly. It's all such a damn struggle. So absolutely all consuming. So overwhelming. I keep re-reading these posts, telling myself it will get better, it will get better. Thank you again for all the positive thoughts and good wishes. I don't know what I'd now do without this thread.

This is going to be a bit controversial, but I suggest you buy a copy of A Life's Work by Rachel Cusk. It's very much a "love it or hate it" book; and frankly now that I'm (touch wood) out of the post baby gloom, I find it hard to read and pretty self-indulgent (gave it a re-read as an experiment), but AT THE TIME it meant a lot to me because it expressed exactly how I was feeling. which made me feel better / less of a complete failure, in itself, if that makes sense.

(plea to all - please don't hijack this thread with a debate about rachel cusk - there are heaps of others out there already!)

i don't think it's unreasonable to miss your old life. if the early days you put a lot in, and don't really get a lot out (excluding bodily fluids).your life has gone from being ordered to being at the whim of a tiny creature, who's not up for reasoning with.

also, having a high maintenance baby, for want of a better phrase, means you don't get a second to yourself. even with other people there, it's so hard to relax if you can hear your dc crying. makes it even more of a contrast.

it took a while for dh and i to feel like the baby was a part of "us", as opposed to the two of us and him. iyswim.

it gets so much better when they interact. even a little smile from them makes such a difference. before that i used to feel like a trained monkey could have done my job.

(I have to say, the good thing about reading that book when you have PND is that you do end up hating someone RC infinitely more than you do yourself. )

As ever, NL, you will not always feel like this.

Have just read your post and just to say thinking of you - so much of what you say I could have said 18mths+ ago - the love comes but it takes time - my DS had a problematic (though not by any means difficult) start and for the first 6mths I lived on anxiety and fear and I have to say I didn't feel a huge amount for him (I cared in the sense that I wanted to be a good mum but I'm not sure I really loved him) its only very gradually that I have and am still doing have fallen 'in love' with him - it happens but very slowly. I often do sometimes feel the sadness for my 'old life' and how carefree it was but when I try and look at it from a different angle I see all the good things that DS has bought and how he has changed me. You've probably been told this a million times but it does take time and will happen (probably when you are least expecting it). Take care and all the best.

Your words "And I dream about my DH, our old life, our intimacy. I miss it so much. I know you have all said it will get better but right now it is so, so hard to see how and when it will ever be. And here I am, after years of infertility, of trying, of losing babies - here I am with a strong, healthy son and listen to me. It's vile. "

I understand. That's all I can really say. I understand because I felt the same.

I truly do love my dd now, but it took a while.

I was in hospital when she was 7 weeks old (without her) and people kept saying "oh, how awful - you must feel terrible without her, you must be really missing her". But I didn't. I just felt relief at not having to look after her.

It wasn't until I came home that I realised that I had missed her (a little bit), then I had a few hours away and I missed her a bit more. Gradually, as I had more little bits of time to myself, I realised that I really did love her.

It's stayed important for my own sanity that I have regular, short periods of time without dd or dh - just an hour will do it.

nl good to hear you are getting some help now and in the future and even more pleased you are able to keep letting off steam on here! Not much time to post but I've said before I did not enjoy the first few months of DS's life, but it gets better. I am 13 weeks pg with no.2 so even I have come to terms with the fact that it can be crap for some time, but eventually your life will settle down into a new pattern and you will start to get little chunks of time to yourself again. I think it was 12 weeks before DP took DS out so I could be on my own, I felt there was hope for me again! much love and hugs to all of you. x

Neuroticlady- this could have been my first ever post on mumsnet. I detested having a new baby, i had severe PND, wouldn't touch DD unless to feed her or change her and even, very calmy, telling dp we were getting her adopted- it made sense, this crying creature that had stolen our lives could not possibly ever become part of it.
It took a while and lots of patience from dp etc, but dd is now 3 and we are about to start trying for no 2!
Seriously, i cannot stress enough how much you could be me. It will get better, you will love your baby and you will start enjoying it.
Keep posting.

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Just wanted to see how you are doing. Glad your parents are there to give you some extra support. Also just to add to the many posters saying that the bonding and love will come. It took a while for me - I think what I mostly was of DD for a while was scared. Scared she would cry, scared she wouldn't go to sleep. And scared that I would panic, and........do what I don't know, but that is the thing with panic isn't it. I just about fended off the panic with lots of breathing exercises (so the antenatal classes were useful for something) . But of course the love came, she gradually developed a bit of character, and that does make it so much easier. Have you managed to get out on your own with your DH yet? Even just an hour for a coffee can make such a difference. Just to help you feel like there is a bit of normal life (pre-baby) there.
So impressed with how you have managed to recognise and articulate what I think a lot of people really only realise in hindsight about how parenting a newborn feels.

Hi NL,

To answer your question about a referral for Karitane, I got one from my GP.

How are you sleeping? Are you getting any at all?

My parents came from the UK just as I got discharged from the Mother Baby Unit. I was anxious when they left 2 weeks later but you will survive.

It is totally sh*t that you are not enjoying these early days (same as I was and VERY similar to a lot of Mums I know who did not have PND!). I feel kind robbed looking back. But you know what, you just have to dig in, face each day (with as much support as you can get!!) and think forward to the day when you will feel like yourself again because it WILL happen and you will have a fabulous relationship with your son and husband again.
PP

Hi Nl,

I have had a good read of your recent posts and all i can think is ANYONE would find looking after a very needy baby like yours REALLY HARD. i personally, don't think this is about your pnd/anxiety/previous life. Even without those things, i think you've drawn a tough one with your son. Sorry if some think i sound negative about him but he sounds a 'high maintenance' baby. I guess what i'm trying to say is its not you being a crap mother, basically. you said in one of your previous posts about some mums being so effortless in their parenting. I would say that they had 'easier' babies than you. NO ONE WOULD FIND YOUR BABY EASY!!! If he was sooooo easy, your mum and dad would have had him sorted by now. The fact your're still getting so little sleep despite their help says he's a tough one......however it gets better really it does...

My DS was just the same and was eventually diagnosed with reflux (was sick all the time and i mean all the time, like every 2/3 mins and 1/2 oz or so would come up). He screamed for hours on end as he also had colic and i had to feed him all the time as nothing was staying in.....he's a delightful, lively, bright and loving two year old who i now adore so much it hurts and i am feeling weepy just thinking about how much i love him but like you to start with i hated him and wished i had stayed childless.

I hope you find a way to settle your ds soon. i think once he settles better, the love etc will come. Hopefully some of the great suggestions here will help find that solution

Take care
xxx

I've skipped through the thread so forgive if I'm repeating. My ds1 was much wanted. It took me years and 4 IVF treatments to get him. My labour was difficult. When he was born I was so panicked I used to ring my DH up at work crying for him to come home. When I calmed down a bit used to scream at him if he was late. When he cried I used to feel physically sick and start trembling. All of this and I didnt have severe PND. I actually started planning how I would have him adopted. And then one day 4 months in I noticed how lovely the day was and started enjoying him. He's now 5, drives me mad and I do still miss my old life, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Please don't feel guilty or ashamed. I think if the baby is much wanted or you found it hard to have him it makes it worse not better. I was completely terrified.

When ds cried, not DH. although that happened too!

NL, having been overseas with DS1 and no family support and a DH trying make a good impression at work (read: trying not to come home), I empathise.

Get this book. His techniques are bloody great for soothing the screaming baby. 'The Happiest baby on the Block' by Dr Harvey Karp (it's basically swaddling and white noise etc).

Babies are designed to be physically close to you. You won't 'spoil' them by snuggling them close to you 24/7 for the first year or so. Buy a sling and go about your life. They love it.

Babies are shite for the first 15 months or so. Then it gets dramatically better. Honest

Hi again - just popped in to see how you were doing. I second the Harvey Karp book - I'd post you mine, but I've just lent it to a friend's sister who has a new baby.

Completely agree with whoever said we should all talk about it more (although not to the point of boring others!) - I'm doing my bit, anyway.

Dear NL

I do sympathise - I recognise your feelings completely. My first DD was premature and in a SCBU for six weeks. The first weeks after she came home were among the worst in my life, awful though that is to say. I felt bizarre, not myself, totally rocked and thrown and utterly in a surreal nightmare. I remember pacing the floor at 2am with a grizzling infant, a complete stranger, a hostile one it seemed, looking out at all the dark houses around, and it seemed as if I were the only person in the country awake and struggling with this alien being. I certainly didn't 'love' her - in fact I wished with all my heart she could go back to the hospital - I felt strongly that she had come home before she was ready. It seemed I hated being a mother, and yet I had always longed to be one.

Well, the good news is that that little stranger slowly becomes no stranger at all. Gradually day and night split up again, you get some sleep (not as much as you would like, for some time) the little one smiles at you, it becomes a person, its days and yours gradually become a familiar shape, the surreal nightmare aspect 'what have I done, why did I do this' begins to fade away. The awful strangeness of it all will pass. Your OP 'a state of shock' is exactly what it is, indeed.

There are wonderful things waiting in store for you. I know you can't see them right now or imagine what they might be, yet. But they do come, and these are things you would never have had without having a child. These rewards truly are waiting in store for you, so hang in there and simply let time pass, minute by minute.

I must just add that second time around I was prepared for all this, yet still didn't much enjoy the first six months. Those first few weeks with a newborn truly are a surreal other world. Yet I would have no hesitation in saying that my children have given me more joy than anything in my life, that I loved having them, and have no regrets. I wish I had had more! The miseries of those early weeks seem just a little thing, viewed in their proper context of a child's whole life, a context you don't have yet in these early days, but it's on its way. And I think it's a safe bet to predict you too will feel the same way - once you've crossed back into real life again, once your little 'alien' becomes a person.

Thinking of you. Wish I could take your little one for a day and night to let you get some sleep! It's partly utter exhaustion that's making you feel this way. That and seeing no hope of any time to yourself, ever again. But that too will come.