Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

You poor thing NL - really feeling for you.

It might help to read the Dooce archives detailing her struggle with PND:
www.dooce.com/topic/depression/

Hope things improve soon. I'm sure they will now. Well done you x

Well done NL. The united power of all the mothers on mumsnets is applauding you for being so brave.

When does your mum arrive?

Please try not to feel guilty about your dh. You and he are a partnership and that means things are not always equal. Sometimes you will be supporting him more, and sometimes it will be you needing the support.

I hope you start to feel that glimmer of being in control coming back into your life very soon.

Oh, well done, NL - that was a hard and brave thing to you. My best friend was diagnosed with PND and had a tough time - her little one is now 2, and is a fabulous, happy little girl. Friend and DH are as close and strong a couple as you could hope to meet. I know a lot of people on here have had PND, and you'll get lots and lots of support.

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Hi NL,

Wow what a hectic few days. Firstly, you need to lose the notion that you have been pigeonholed as someone with a 'mental illness'. i think i said this before but pnd/baby blues etc is the NORM and soooo many women expereince this, partly as a result in the huge change in hormones but also huge life changes. We need to move away from the idea that you and others like you (and me by the way) can't cope, have failed because we've had pnd... We (and others on this thread) are the ones who have been brave enough to fess up to how hard it is. You have had so much to cope with that its no wonder with 2 weeks of sleep deprivation, its all got on top of you. I hope the psychologist gives you good time to talk.

Secondly, if you're taking ssri type anti-depressants (what are they called?), they can take up to 4 weeks to kick in for some people and they can give you some dodgy side-effects for the first few weeks like insomnia, jitteriness, and anxiety. I'm not saying this to stop you taking them, far from it, i think its a good idea. i'm just warning you in case they don't work straight away or make you feel rough that you don't give up on them and stop taking before they have a chance to kick in. it is really common for people (not just new mums) to stop taking them too early iyswim... right lecture over!!! Hope you have a better night tonight xxxx

Hi NL. I agree with Loulou33 that you really should pigeonhole yourself. It is an illness but seriously, one which is so common and I would think probably the norm for most new mums. Especially with the emotional happenings before the pregnancy. I certainly recognise a lot of your feelings. take care of yourself and remember that it is still extremely early days. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry, really SHOULDN'T pigeon hole yourself DOH!!!!!

It will it will it will get better. Before DD was born we had a pretty stressful year - nothing like you have faced but lots of life events, and she arrived prematurely. It was a big shock.
I was diagnosed with PND when she was about three months old. Looking back I can see how bad I was. I was having some seriously strange thoughts, and felt so terribly out of control and on the edge the whole time. Simple decisions were escalated out of all proportion, and I was a nervous, emotional, terrified, guilt ridden wreck. I had a fantastic GP who prescriped antidepressants and cognitive behavioural therapy. I was also able to continue mixed feeding DD until 10months. The combination of the two approaches really worked for me and I was slowly and steadily able to enjoy my daughter more and more. The transition to feeling 'normal' again was day by day, until one day I realised I was 99% better. I came off the pills a year later, and am now so in love with being a mum. I have a fab relationship with my little girl, and am so glad that I sought help when I did.

One really good book is Overcoming Depression by Paul Gilbert. This was recommended to me by the specialist nurse who provided my CBT treatment.

Post-natal depression is very treatable. I hope you have many happier days ahead.

Hi NL,

Well done for making the first step towards recovery. Your story is so similar to mine down to the wishing you hadn't had the baby and desire to return to your old life. Take heart - I am now pg with my second and loving it - you WILL recover.

You made a point about help here 9in Australia. Try www.beyondblue.org.au there is a big section on PND and help in your area (NSW). I have had a look and you might want to explore www.karitane.com.au - they have a residential unit which might help you get through the stage to where the medication begins to work. They are just suggestions. I think you need private health cover for the residential unit. If you have this USE IT!! I was in a mother and baby unit for 4 weeks which was a god send as before I entered the unit I had 6 weeks of anxiety induced insomnia which, in my opinion, was truly a living hell.

I'd also like to add to a previous poster, to manage your expections, that it can take a while to find the right medication. You might be lucky and find the first one works. In my case it took 4 goes to get the right one which was very frustrating (that is putting it mildly!). Just something to bear in mind. If you are still struggling to sleep (as I was) there is additional medication to get you over the crisis period. Ask your psych about this if you feel you need it. SLEEP IS KEY!!

What also helped me (though this stage might be a few weeks away) was talking to mothers who had come through it as one of the hardest parts for me was actually believing that I would come through it a loving, happy mother. Try your health nurse - if she is any good she should be able to put you in touch with others you can talk to. This could hopefully help show you that you are not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I second another poster - a PND diagnosis does not mean you are a failure. It is just truly bad luck.

Hang in there.
ppx

And you said
All I do is keep him in the sling, because it generally keeps him quiet, and therefore me calm
this is great, because this is keeping him close to you, whilst you build up your energy and get your emotions back on track - as you become more calm, DS will just hear the gentle beating of your heart and feel the closeness and smell of you, which will help him become more attached to you, without, hopefully too much stress for you and without you having to engage too much if you don't really feel like it just yet. So when you're ready to start bonding with DS, he'll have done a lot of the work for you and you really WILL be able to start enjoying him, honestly.

PND is just one of those things that can happen to us after pregnancy, just like some of us will have a bad tear, some of us will have stitches, some pee when we sneeze etc. It's just a lot easier to sit in a cafe with a friend and admit to a tear and stitches than it is to discuss emotions.

With PND I immediately felt better just having a diagnosis and being told by GP it was totally normal to feel this way and hopefully you'll feel some relief like this to keep you going some way before the ADs kick in, also mum & dad arriving will help you feel better whilst ADs start to get to work. I also found this helped to be able to get DH to see how I truly felt - even though I'd talked to him about it, he seemed to really accept it when the GP diagnosed it, as if he was in denial up to that point too.

Good luck and enjoy being looked after by your mum and dad.

Thank you so much, as ever. I was on the phone to my sis this morning and was saying if it wasn't for your posts encouraging me to get to the GPs I would have just left it and perhaps slipped through the net or at least not have been diagnosed so quickly. Mumsnet has been such a lifeline.

I'll bear in mind what you say about finding the right antidepressants. I really hope these ones are ok (called 'Zoloft' if anyone has heard of them...?) and I have to say that I have felt much better today, like you Dorasboots, I think just from having a diagnosis and knowing I am now getting help. I still feel deeply ashamed and terribly guilty that DH must shoulder the burden but hopefully with time that will pass.

I took some positive steps today: my name is down to join a mothers' group in the local area for those of us diagnoses with PND and that kicks off in March. I've also spoken to the local early childhood centre about my need for some support with the baby at least while I wait for the antidepressants to take effect, and they are arranging for me to get some 'Parental Support' where someone will come to the house to discuss settling issues with me etc.

In the meantime, thank you pinkypig for going to the trouble of looking at what help might be available to me, and for telling me about Karitane and the residential unit. I do have private health cover, and I had no idea this was available to me. I'm guessing I'd have to get my name down on a waiting list or something but the nurse is coming to the house to weigh the baby on Friday so I can perhaps discuss it with her then. I know I need the Early Childhood Centre to refer me to such places so it would be a good opportunity to get them on board.

I am discovering that the more honest and open I am the more help is becoming available to me. It's perhaps a shame it takes such a diagnosis to get the support that all new mums would, I am sure, appreciate, but that's how it is.

And for now, it has been nice to have a day where I have not constantly had a dry mouth and a racing heart, and where I haven't felt I am about to lose my mind. I am quite sure the anti-depressants can't have started having an effect that quickly (can they?)so it must be sheer relief that I have reached out for help and been given it so promptly.

Thank you for encouraging me to do the right thing x

the placebo effect is very powerful "I am taking pills, so I am feeling better", I felt better within a week of taking mine (Fluoxetine).

neuroticlady

I haven't posted yet because so I'd just be repeating so much of what has been posted.

This thread has brought me to tears as it reminds me so much of when ds was born.

I had all the synmptoms you descibe. The worst was not being able to sleep even when ds did sleep. The symptoms did abate a bit on their own when ds was 8 weeks old but at 10 weeks we went to the USA (pre-planned to co-incide with my maternity leave) for dh's job for 6 months. This plunged me right back down into the depths of PND and looking back I'm not sure how I survived it - but I did.

You have had some good advice and I'm so glad you are getting help. I'm even happier that your family is coming out soon to be with you for a while as I'm sure this will help enormously.

The two things I wanted to say were

You are right to force yourself to keep doing things for your baby even if you don't always feel like it. The way to creating a close bond with you baby is to be with him as much as you can.

I personally could have handed ds over to dh, left the house and never looked back at that stage. However the fact that I breastfed forced me to hold ds and cuddle him much more than I would have chosen to .

In fact looking back I never liked breastfeeding that much but I think part of me knew that if I didn't make myself hold and cuddle him I would never bond with him and breastfeeding was one way of achieving that for me. You can get the same effect by using the sling as much as possible and by making sure you cuddle him etc when you bottle feed (which I'm sure you do)

Secondly, don't worry about the fact that your dh is doing so much, Now that ds is 3years old, the one really positive thing I can say about my pnd is that it forced us into a situation where dh took on a lot of the stuff I couldn't do. This made the bond between ds and dh very strong. It also meant that from day 1 he did everything (except breastfeeding) that I did for ds.

We have NEVER had that thing whre some men don't bond very well to small babies or are incapable of looking after them very well or where the man is jealous of the woman's relationship with the baby. Our situation meant that dh had to bond with ds very early which he did.

The whole thing did strain our relationship to breaking point though!

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Hello

Just checking up on you and want to say I am so happy to see you were brave enough to go to your gp and tell him how you were feeling. So many people would not be able to do that!

Many people go through their lives and at some point suffer from some type of mental illness. I did too and it was a blip in my life and like everyone it is possible to get over it and you will. The most important thing here is you are aware of it and you are talking about it, keep talking and never keep your feelings in. If they are out you can deal with them.

It is a shame that we feel mental illnesses are something to be ashamed of, they are no different to any other illness, we do not bring them on ourselves its just unfortunate for you this has happened but you are dealing with it.

You must feel relieved to know its all out in the open and that you have the medication to help you on your way.

The sling is a great idea and the most contact you have the better, lots of warm baths together is also good for bonding... Im sure you know this anyway

I just also want to point out that I felt overwhelmed after my 2nd dd was born and felt I could not cope and expected a lot more from my dh, he basically totally looked after our 1st dd and because of that time they have built this lovely bond and my bond with her is just as strong.

Your baby will have no memory of this time so all the guilt you feel you can just leave behind you now because you are giving him the best you can and from now on it will just get better until these last weeks are memories to be forgotten

Take care
X

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Hi NL

I wanted to check in and see how you are as we were both feeling so awful last week. I am so proud of you and pleased you've got some help and I have every confidence each day you will feel better. Sending you a big hug

I cried and cried on my mum last week and she took a crying DD from me and paced round and round the kitchen while I sat on the sofa crying at how inadequate I was etc etc. Mum sang over and over to DD and I was amazed at the result - she stopped crying. I have tried this myself and have managed to calm her when she's blue in the face from screaming. Sounds silly but have you tried that? I hold DD quite tightly, and pat her gently (apparently they like this as it reminds them of heartbeat in the womb)and sing a repetitious song. I do "I'll sing you one o, green grow the rushes o" It's the song mum sang which I hadn't heard since childhood when she sang it to me. I had to look the words up on the internet! But 12 days of christmas works too. As long as it's repetitive it seems to work. I know I was feeling I'd try anything - maybe it'd work for you and DS?

Also remember how awful the lack of sleep is. This is not your fault but it will be having a huge effect on you. I have had some sleep and feel oh so much better. I know you feel wired and panicky but hopefully as the medication kicks in you will all get some sleep and the world will seem brighter.

If it helps, life with DD was horrid all last week as you know. For the past few days leading up to her being 4 weeks old, we have been much stricter with 3 hourly feeds NOT on demand as before and she has rewarded us with 3 nights where we have had 7 hours sleep with one feed in the middle. I pray this continues and I pray your DS rewards you similarly.

You are doing great. Please remember this - and use MN til your own mum arrives xxxx

There has been so much brillian advice on here already but I couldn't just lurk on this thread, had to say something. My DS screamed all the time until he was about three or four months old - tbh its a blur now just how bad it was, but I do remember when particular night when I got up to him (and this isn't counting during the evening, just times I got out of bed to him) NINE times between 9pm and 5am. Then there was the night he screamed, continually, and with ever increasing volume, for four hours.

It really resonated with me when you wrote that you felt guilty for doing this to yourself and DH and you just wanted your old life back. I felt that like for the first few weeks (in between gazing at him in wonder, consumed with love so strong it was like physical pain) - so much so that I can't even bring myself to write just how I really felt then, and I feel sick now to think of it. But I couldn't help it, I was so damned tired.

I think sometimes it was because we wanted a baby SO desperately - it took eighteen months to conceive DS, and then despite a completely normal, healthy pregnancy I spent nearly every day of it in tears terrified that I would lose the baby and not be able to get pregnant again. So when he came, despite how gorgeous and wonderful he was, the reality was a bit of a shock.

So glad you've been to the GP, I was lucky, despite my extreme knackeredness and swirling emotions I managed to escape PND (although my mum was very worried that I was developing it, and she's a nurse), so who knows, maybe I was a bit borderline? This is not something you did, this is not an exam that you failed. It just happened. Your DH sounds like a honey and you will manage this together.

NL- Well done for going to the GP, you've done what is best for you and your family, even though you probably didn't want to - this is the hallmark of a good mother!

Don't focus too much about the "mental illness" thing. I would put good money on the chances that a psychologist would diagnose 90% of new mothers with PND. I think of it more of a sliding scale than a "you have it or you don't" thing!

I just wanted to let you know that the first two weeks are definitely the worst, and I know some people who say the first 6 weeks. Hormones/birth trauma/baby shock all play their part.

Do try and get some rest, can your dh take the baby out for a walk while you sleep? (or check you eyes for pinholes) The screams dont seem to grate so much when you've had some rest. I used to feed dd in the evening and go to bed. DH would then stay up until he could settle her - usually 1am, then I would get up with her at 2ish to feed her, but by this point I'd usually had about 3 hours sleep. doesn't sound like alot I know but If I could get 6 hours a day I could function. But I had really low expectations, if I managed a day where baby and I had both eaten I classed it as a success....if we got dressed too I was chuffed!

I hope you find a way through this horrible time. Mumsnet is a great place to confess your darkest thoughts but nothing beats in the flesh conversations, you've mentioned post-natal care is a little lacking, but is there something like an NCT group you could go to? It helped me enormously to meet these other perfectly normal women who also confessed to nearly throwing their baby across the room when they bit their boob at 3am. It doesn't make you a bad person its natural response, imagine any other house guest behaving this way, even though you were looking forward to their visit!

I hope the medication and each passing day makes things a little easier.

Oh and the DH thing, take advantage of every moment. Mine was fab in the early months but seems to have drifted a bit now and childcare is very much in my camp.

Getting to the GP was such a great, positive step. You're on your way out of the woods, NL.

NL just wanted to add some words of support too. My mum lives a distance away and apart from a welcome visit of a few days, when DH first returned to work, I didn't have much help from family. I remember begging DH to stay home from work and crying for my mum literally 'I just want my mummmmmmmmm' . First few weeks for me with my DD were a nightmare, but just in case they help, here are a few things we found helped, either to get DD to sleep or if not to make the crying easier to cope with :

We always found crying was so much easier to cope with if we were outside - DH and I would go for a long walk in the evenings with DD in buggy(detouring past off licence for Red wine & chocolate to sustain us for the rest of the evening). We also spent a lot of time with DD in the pushchair in the garden, with some music on just rocking or walking the buggy around, which seemed to calm her down.
I kept a stash of chocolate upstairs and had some as a reward when getting up for night feeds - not great for my teeth, but hey needs must.
Don't know if anyone has suggested the Harvey Karp book: Happiest Baby on the Block - some great suggestions in there on settling a fractious baby.
Electric swing - godsend. Someone lent us one and it gave DH and I time to both eat our dinner whilst it was hot and DD would drop off to sleep in it for a few hours at a time. So we would put it in our bedroom and I would sleep on Bed whilst DD slept on the swing.
Earplugs - found that putting these in when DD was finally asleep next to me meant I didn't wake at every tiny snuffle, but could still hear her when she properly woke up.
For day times - make sure you have a 'bed' set up on the sofa for you, so that you can just drop off if your DS does go to sleep in the living room. Maybe an eyemask too for those daytime sleeps?
Um - do you have any friends who are around in the daytime? I had a lovely mate who would pop round for a hour in the morning maybe once a week, and look after DD whilst I had a shower and washed my hair - it really helped.
Finally just to echo everyone else - it does get better. I really can't believe how much joy our DD gives us now especially when I remember wanting to take her back in those first few weeks.

The first three months are like a long dark tunnel, and if anyone mentions a light at the end you suspect it is probably a train! You'll look back on this time (as we are all doing now!) and remember how awful it was, but many of us, me included, were prepared to do it all over again... PROMISE it gets better just hang in there, and don't worry if you scream and cry and mourn your old life, that's totally normal and doesn't mean you won't love your babe when you have recovered a little!

NL, I'm glad that you've got a diagnosis. I'm a PND sufferer and it will get better and soon. I'm glad that you feel like you've had a good day today and I too found that a diagnosis helped me feel a bit better. But I promise that you really will improve and in a few months you'll look back and see how far you've come

Hi NL,

I also found this link which has a few more NSW numbers www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/docs/PregnancyandPostnatalDepressionResourceList.pdf

Mumsnet is great, but if you need more local support try www.bubhub.com.au and www.essentialbaby.com.au these are the Aus version of Mumsnet and there are threads on PND and early motherhood experiences. Just a bit more info if you need it.

You may never need the help of a residential unit like Karitane, but definitely ask your health nurse for more info so you have it as a backup just in case. Your GP can also refer you. In these units Mums with PND are treated as a high priority as PND is taken very seriously over here (esp where there is little/no family support in situations like yours/mine).

PPx