NL, if money is not too much of an issue could you get a night nanny a couple of times a week, just for a few weeks? If your anxiety levels are worse at night, this might be just the thing to help you relax. They do all the feeds and settling, so that you can sleep. We got a night nanny three nights a week when my daughter was six weeks old. I was expressing full time at that point, and just could not face doing double duty of both expressings and feeds every single night. We got our nanny through a reputable agency, and she was very experienced and full of good advice - and helped me (also a nervous first-time mum) relax a lot. She would be able to observe your baby's behaviour and give you some tips.
What might also help is to start getting your baby into a bit of a routine, which would bring a bit more predictability and regularity into your life - all good for the anxiety I would think. We used Gina Ford at first when my dd was very young, and although I don't really follow it strictly any more (dd has kind of got into her own routine now, based on a morning and lunchtime nap) it certainly helped me feel more in control of things at the start, and laid good foundations for where we are now.
My daughter is 4.5 months old and I am also a first-time mum. I gave birth afer my third ICSI cycle at 39 and recently turned 40. We tried to get pregnant for five years and I can totally relate to what you said about being so focussed on getting and staying pregnant that you lose sight of the fact that if you do actually get pregnant, you will get a baby at the end of it all. It is a huge shock to the system at this age isn't it? I was pretty lucky in that dd is a 'good' baby, but even so I still found it - and still do sometimes - find it hard. I also felt that I had ruined my life. It is the lack of control that is the main thing, I think. You are used to doing exactly what you want, when you want. And then suddenly you find yourself enslaved by a little dictator, who controls your entire life according to his whims - which are totally unpredictable. You don't get to eat, go to sleep, even go to the loo unless he allows it. It's like someone has dropped a nuclear bomb on your life.
Newborns are singularly unrewarding. They take, take, take, want all your time and attention, and give nothing back. And nothing that you do for them seems good enough. But it really does get better. Soon he will start giving you something back - and the love will begin to flow properly. That first smile is such a key moment in the process of things getting better. I guarantee that when you get that first little grin, your heart will melt. And after the smile will come coo's and gurgles and laughs. I have spent the afternoon today with my little one lying on my knee, as she loves to do, with me waggling her legs in the air while she laughs and gurgles with delight, and blows raspberries. I could not have forseen this four months ago! You will also soon get more sleep - by about six weeks they start to go longer, which really helps your sanity. And as time goes on they are much more distractable. I've got a whole load of toys and gadgets for dd (bouncer, activity gym, playnest, swing, bouncy chairs etc - I really don't give a toss if people think she has too much stuff!) and she is now happy to spend big chunks of time in them. So, with these to distract her while she's awake (and also thanks to her naps), I get to shower, do my hair and put on full make up every morning, have breakfast lunch and dinner, do jobs around the house, go on my computer and surf and order stuff, as well as watch telly a bit. And we also go out with her in the buggy every afternoon, and I usually end up in a coffee shop where I have a coffee and give her one of her feeds.
So you see, it's not all bad! A key step will be when you accept that your life has changed for good. At the moment you still have one foot firmly in your 16 years of freedom. But over the coming weeks and months the ties to that former life will loosen, and you will get used to the reality of your new existence, and come to accept it as the norm. And also welcome it. From what I have read and heard, it seems it only keeps on getting better as time goes on, and the babies develop into children with their own little personalities. Don't people all say that their kids are their life?
What I'm trying to say is that your current situation is TEMPORARY.
You obviously can't be as reassured as someone on their second baby, as you don't know all this yet. But you have to accept it's true. Otherwise why do most people go on to have second and third babies?
Gosh, this has turned out to be rather long hasn't it? Good luck NL. You'll be fine. People told me this at the time, and I can see now that they were absolutely right.
And one day, I bet you anything, you'll be telling the same thing to someone else
Kate x