Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

neuroticolady - I would definitely start spacing out the feeds during the day. Even though initially you were advised to wake him 3 hourly, he is now a bit older and should be able to dictate feeds a bit more. Why not let him go 4 hours bewteen feeds during the day and leave him to waken on his own at night - he may even go 6 hours. The screaming sessions could be related to digestion of feeds and it may well be that by being woken, your DS is taking feeds when he really isn't ready for them but takes them anyway. By letting him wake for feeds he may well settle more readily. I know you would like routine so a 4 hourly one during the day may be better - worth a try.

The other thing I would recommend is to work out which room in your house is loveliest and gets the most natural daylight. When DS was days old, we spent most of our time in our bedroom, which is west-facing and therefore only gets late evening sun. The rest of the time it was dark, depressing and gloomy. Didn't help that I'd painted it a strange pinky brown colour while I was pregnant!

We moved our bed into DS's nursery, which is east-facing and overlooks the garden. It's a much brighter room and in some small ways made everything feel a bit better.

The other thing we did and still do is to take it in turns in the night. You said your DS is going 4 hours between feeds at night (this is amazing! My DS is nearly 7 months and is in the same pattern!). Our approach is that one night, DH goes to bed early (9-10ish), I will give DS a dream feed between 10-11pm, then when he wakes up around 2 or 3am DH feeds him again while I sleep. Then when DS wakes around 7am, I'll feed him.

The following night we swap over. It works really well for us - I think part of your brain knows when you've got to get up and when it's someone else's responsibility and then lets you sleep.

Hope things are improving, no matter how slowly.

Oh, and do they have baby cinema screenings where you are? These are GREAT. It made such a difference to me to go somewhere, sit in a dark room with an audience of fellow exhausted mums and babies, and watch a bloody film. Just to let your brain focus on something else. REally recommend it xx

Hello lovely MNers, more one handed typing... . Mears thanks for the tips re the feeding . that is exactly what we are trying today/tonight. We've spaced his feeds out to (mainly) four hours and overnight we're going to let him wake up on his own for feeds (although he needs to actually go to sleep first...) so we'll see if that helps things. He's crying now in the sling but I really don't think it's for food as he had a massive feed 2.5 hours ago - he's doing the odd burp and fart so I think he gets windy and pains at this time of night. All classic baby behaviour, I know. Thank god the sling gives him some relief, which means we get some peace even if I don't get any sleep. He gets in such a rage and he is starting to rev up a bit during the day now, too. Trying not to panic about that one... ShellD I can relate to everything you are saying in your post. I felt a lump in my throat at you and your DH hugging during the screaming marathon - we've done that too but at least it's better than being at each other's throats. (Also done that...) I'm sorry you had such a hard time but it's very encouraging for me to hear you say what a delight your DD is now.

oysterpots i've never heard of baby cinema screenings but they sound amazing. Any aussie mumsnetters reading who might know more...? We are lucky that our house is nice and sunny most of the day - actually quite hard to avoid the glare of the sun over here! It's just my mood that hasn't been that sunny...

Sat in a big fed up heap in the park with the dogs earlier, pleading with DH for us to go home for a while, with him saying our future is here and he doesn't want to. I know ultimately he will support me in this if I push for it but he really doesn't want to go back, even for a little while, and I feel so guilty. I've taken his freedom away from him by making him a father and now I'm asking him to leave the country and lifestyle he loves...

Might try lying on the sofa if baby will stay quiet, just to give my back a break. Getting backache since the epidural. Keep almost forgetting I'm still probably getting over the birth, too (two weeks today).

Thanks for all the advice and for giving me a lift, as ever. x

"I've taken his freedom away from him by making him a father...."

first - you have to stop this chain of thoughts right now! As you said yourself in one of your earlier posts, this was a much wanted baby, and I presume by both of you... you haven't taken your DH's freedom away any more than he has taken yours away. This is a joint enterprise, and (again with the benefit of hindsight and lots of mistakes) you have to focus on that fact. Not only is it not right for you to feel guilty - it's not a fair approach on your DH either (in a way it starts to line up "me and DS" on one side of the fence, and DH on the other, iyswim?). That's my opinion, anyway.

second, I think it's really a bit soon to start making long term decisions. I'd suggest something along the lines of "if I still feel like this in six / twelve months I'd like us to consider....." language if you really want to have the discussion. I suggest you focus on your parents' visit, and also, to the extent you can do this financially, make plans for them to have another visit in, say six months' time - this will make their departure much less of a major issue for you. Is that feasible?

(sorry if this sounds a bit abrupt- I can just see you heading down the path that I went down.......)

bump, just because I don't want to be responsible for killing this lovely thread!

thanks legalalian, you are right, of course. i am just hugely emotional and vulnerable right now and i'm probably thinking and saying a lot of stuff that isn't rational. point taken about dh. but can i ask you to elaborate when you say you can see me heading down the same path as you?

well we've had the worst night so far. it's 5am and the baby has finally drifted off in the sling after a long, stressful and fractious night. apart from the odd hour of sleep here and there (baby, not us) he has been awake and crying since about 7pm last nigh. surely not normal...? we left him to sleep/wake naturally and he didn't go to sleep for ages, then when he did he's woken up again very frequently Trying to find other solutions to settle than feeding all the time as i know with a formula fed baby it can exacerbate (sp?) wind problems. so there has been endless pacing and rocking in the sling along with wedging the dummy in his mouth. i have a horrid feeling he's filled his nappy but i am so relieved to have some peace now he has drifted off that i daren't disturb him to check.

i think it might be time for me to hold my hand up and ask for help. might just present myself and baby at the gps in the morning, and perhaps as has been suggested print off sections of this. his sleeping/crying is getting worse, i am waking from fitful sleeps covered in sweat, and we could potentially have weeks of this to go yet. there is only so much i can cope with on my own and i feel like i am reaching my limit. i don't know which way is up anymore in terms of what i should be doing with the baby. everything i try - letting him sleep for longer etc - seems to be making him worse, not better. and i am worried that if i keep going without really ever sleeping properly, feeling so stressed that my stomach is in constant knots and drenched in sweat when i do manage to sleep, i am going to end up in a big heap.

will see how i feel when daylight comes. i know everything always seems so much worse in the dead of night.

Hello

Maybe you should try cranial osteopathy, I took my baby three times and it made such a difference, she found it hard to settle and cried a lot between feeds.

She had a very stressful birth and the osteopath said this was probably why but its something they forget but at the time the treatment really helped, I also gave infacol at every feed (easy to forget to give) and at 6pm every day gave her a warm bath and then massage with olive oil. We noticed a difference straight away.

Depends on where you live but our initial app was £30 then £25 for the next two treatments. They will say you need about 7 but I know a lot of people who found three did the trick.

At this stage babies do cry a lot because they are trying to find a routine and their body is adjusting to feeding outside the womb , working out who much it needs etc... Also they can sense your stress and you sound very stressed to me, I just hope you have people around you to give you lots of hugs and support. Its a great idea to go to your gp tomorrow, ask if they can recommend cranial osteopaths, if not go on their national website to find a fully qualified one near you. They are amazing and when I took my baby there for the first time she was crying and wriggling like she always did after feeds, the osteopath picked her up and held her hardly moving and my dd just suddenly stopped. It was like magic!

If you are not satisfied with what your gp tells you then ask to arrange an app to have chat with your health visitor.

Take care

neuroticolady - I think you should definitely be going to see your GP now, not only for you but your baby needs reviewed too. Constant screaming is not normal and it may well be that he has reflux or has an intolerance of the milk he is on. You need professional advice for this.

When he is screaming have you tried bathing him? If it is colic the warm water can help relieve it. By bathing I do not mean washing fully - I mean just laying him in warm water to soothe him.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment, but this situation needs reviewed by a professional.

Hi neuroticlady,

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I think having a baby can be like being hit by a train - you think you see it coming, yet... I wanted to say that you should never feel uncomfortable/ashamed/wrong about asking for help. I was lucky in that dd was a relatively easy baby, but I was on the phone to my mum ALL THE TIME - and was extraordinarily lucky in that she's a retired nursery nurse with 50 yrs experience - there's pretty much nothing she hasn't seen (and she is still the BEST person at getting dd to sleep!). You're a long way from family - I thought 300 miles was bad, but that's nothing compared to you - and it is the right thing for you to seek help wherever it is best available to you. I think it's a sign of a good parent - a good person- to admit when they don't know what they're doing and need help. Good luck.

My dd had horrible wind which for some reason was pretty bad during the day but awful at night. I absolutely sympathise how terrible it is- I just paced the floor all night with her while she screamed and screamed. She would drop back to sleep for an hour or two but toss and turn all the time- then wake up for a feed and repeat the whole process. We tried all the usual stuff- gaviscon, infacol, gripe water etc etc. In the end the only thing that helped was time- it just suddenly stopped as, I assume, her gut got mature enough to digest the food. I used to lie with her naked tummy against mine while she wriggled and screamed- I think the warmth helped. Do get her checked out by the GP but there may be little they can do- just keep remembering that it is not that you are being a bad parent- it is just unfortunately one of those things with some babies and it will very soon become a distant (though unpleasant) memory....

NL (I hate calling you that!), Mears is I think a midwife, so take her advice if you're going to take anyone's
Talk to someone in RL! Nothing to be ashamed of, it's the sensible thing to do.

Not read all the posts, but liv's post reminded me of the skin-to-skin helping DS when he was suffering with wind in the early eve. If he is upset at that time, can you try getting in the bath if DH can help you, and laying DS on your front? this might help soothe him?

Hi NL,

Please do go and see your GP and be very honest. If he/she doesn't mention Mother and Baby Units then ask about them as in your situation this could be a good solution (it was a life-saver for me and many others I know). They treat many 'unsettled' babies and mother's at the end of their tether. It's a scary proposition I know, but why struggle on alone when there is help available.

Good Luck.

ppx

Hi NL - good luck with the GP this morning. Don't be all brave and stiff-upper-lip .

I remember an absolutely awful few days with dd when she was about 5 weeks old, when she turned completely nocturnal, and at one point, was awake from 7pm until 5am! No idea what was going on with her, other than the usual horrendous colic!

I know that doesn't help!

Have you tried Colief (sp). It's supposed to be really good with colic. I think you add it to the formula, but I'm not sure. I don't even know if it's available in Australia.

Juast seen this thread and couldn't ignore it... I felt so similar to you, the photos of me holding dd in the recovery room upset me so much - new mums are supposed to look so blissfully happy and I looked like I'd been given the wrong shopping in Tesco. I felt like that for about 6 weeks. Then one day the colic stopped and she started smiling. I then got quite fond of her, in a "I suppose she can stay" kind of way.
I can honestly (shamefully) admit I wasn't in love with her until she was about 14 months old. I prided myself on being a good mummy and making her and the house look nice and baking and all the housewife stuff I assumed I should do. And now she is 2.3 years old and I am slovenly and I adore her more than anything in the universe.
It all gets so much better.

Hi neuroticlady, I would really second some of the advice on here:

• if a routine would help you have a look at Gina Ford's contented baby. It is not for everyone, and I certainly would not worry about the minutiae of her routine ("mother must have a shower and 2 slices of toast by 7am"), but for whatever reason, the sleep routines really worked for my children. Your baby is still very small, so don't panic if he doesn't fall directly into a routine, but if you feel that you'd like some guidance re. routines, then GF may be a help.

• cranial osteopathy is highly recommended for babies who have had a difficult birth, to help realign pressure on the nerves (or something - I'm no scientist!) - I know so many people for whom it has helped, so again this may be of use to you.

• my dh was a classic "oh god I've done this for 5 secs and it hasn't worked so will try something else", and I am a total control freak who hates to watch someone holding my baby while it cries, so I do know where you're coming from with this.

• do go and see your GP - or at least see what your health visitor says after your chat - both for you and in case your ds has reflux or something

• I spent the first 6 weeks or so sleeping in the spare room with my second baby - meant I didn't worry about night wakings and could sort them out in my own time. He used to start out in the moses basket next to the bed, but after about 2-3am, after any feed he'd spend the rest of the night in bed with me. I anally kept a feed record and remember being astounded that some days he'd be feeding 14 plus times in a day - but it was interesting to see how they tapered off (nb didn't start to look at Gina Ford's feed times in the first few weeks - that came later once things had settled a bit, and also my ds was breastfed)

Hope this doesn't sound too bossy - it's not meant to!

The Ritzy cinema in Brixton does mother/baby screenings - think they used to be on a Thursday morning. Brockwell Park in Herne hill may be a bit far from you but it's a lovely park, I think one of the nicest in London, with a cafe on the hill used by lots of young families.

crumpet, she's in Australia!

Oh bugger - thought she was an Australian living in London. Will go back and check!!

Meely you're right! (there was another poster who was a lonely Australian living in S London who I was confusing her with).

Right. Stick with my posting about GP/routines etc but ignore the London Parks etc! (I was right though, Brockwell Park would be too far for you...!)

We are off to Adeliaide next week - happy to bring out any "English" stuff you are missing and can post it to you in Oz

NL - hows it swinging today? I am befuddled by time differences, so not sure if you will have been to GP yet?

Hello everyone and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. It?s been a very tumultuous day for me: I?ve been diagnosed by the hospital psychologist,who I got referred to immediately by the GP, with pretty severe PND. He specialises in obstetrics and post natal so no kidding myself: he knows what he?s talking about. It?s crushing and a shock to be pigeonholed as someone with a ?mental illness?, but equally it?s a relief to admit to someone in a professional capacity how I?ve been feeling and to know I am going to get some help.

He?s put me straight on to anti-depressants. He said all the stuff that preceded the pregnancy, from breast cancer to issues with feeding, infertility, miscarriages etc, combined with the enormity of first time parenthood and sleep deprivation, has combined to leave me with an acute anxiety disorder, and anxiety forms a major part of depression so it all sits under the PND umbrella. He said the tablets, once they kick in in a couple of weeks, should take the edge of the anxiety and allow me to sleep, which is the major problem at the moment as I?m so wired all the time. And in the last 48 hours I have felt myself sinking fast into really scary territory. I wouldn?t wish this on my worst enemy.

However, on the positive side he said we?ve caught it really early, and the quicker it?s caught the easier it is to fix. He?s promised me I will get better and I will start to enjoy this poor little baby. I feel so guilty and absolutely terrible that DH now has to shoulder so much more responsibility. It all means that right now I wish we?d never had the baby I wanted for so long, and we could have our old lives back. A terrible, terrible thing to admit but that?s how it is. I feel like I am in some kind of living hell, and I can't escape it.

I can?t believe our ?wanted? baby has come to this. DH looks utterly crushed by my insanely rapid decline into all this, and I feel like such a terrible failure for letting him and our baby down. This is the most terrifying time of my life. Worse, even, than been diagnosed with breast cancer. I can only hope the anti-depressants kick in and I begin to feel some joy again soon. Actually, just feeling like I had the smallest amount of control back in my life would do for now.

Thank you, as always, for listening and for all the wonderful advice. If it wasn't for you I probably wouldn't have gone to the gp and who knows how long I would have gone before this had been picked up.

I still feel totally without help about dealing with the baby: post natal care in Australia, in my humble opinion, is shit. There is a 24 hour helpline but you have to be prepared to hold for up to an hour to get through to someone. I can't think which way is up anymore in terms of how to look after the baby, other than going through the functions of feeding him and changing him. All I do is keep him in the sling, because it generally keeps him quiet, and therefore me calm. Beyond that, I'm lost at the moment. It's like my brain has started to shut down.

Well, I'm on the antidepressants and I go back to see the psychologist weekly. He has assured me these two things will make a difference within weeks. I just have to hang on to that. And to anyone reading or posting who has suffered PND (I know quite a few of you have said you were also diagnosed with it) you have my utmost sympathy. Nothing I have ever faced in life has felt worse than this.

Thank you for continuing to tell me it will get better. x

Thank goodness this has been discovered so quickly. Please don't feel like a failure - you wouldn't feel a failure if you had caught a cold would you? This is not something you can do anything to pass or fail at - it was the luck of the draw this time.

Be kind to yourself. Lots and lots of people have gone through PND and come out the other side.

One thing - if your dh is managing more sleep during the week can he help out more at the weekends so that you have a chance to have a good solid sleep? Even if he takes the baby out of the house for an hour or two it will help you relax.

Good for you- so glad you have found some support from someone. Remember you haven't let anyone down- there is only so much stress anyone can take and you have done fantastically well to make it this far without family around. You wouldn't be blaming yourself you had broken a leg and were finding it difficult to cope with the baby so don't blame yourself for the PND- it is an illness like anything else and it will get better.

NL you have faced such a difficult thing in opening up to the GP about how you feel. It's one thing to post anonymously on MN but another entirely to sit face to face with someone and admit that all is not well. This is a fantastic and brave achievement in itself and means that you will not have to cope alone with something that is NOT your fault.

Now you have put yourself in a position where you can start to get some of the support you need, things will surely improve for you and your family. i have everything crossed for you - keep reminding yourself that this is the first step towards a joyful future for you, DH and your darling boy.