Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

I am glad that you are getting support from mumsnet and also help from your GP.

Interestingly the previous poster has just picked up on something that I wanted to ask you. Are you waking your DS for feeds? Some babies are better dictating a routine of their own which might mean feeds 6 hourly or 2 hourly.

Try leaving him to wake spontaneously for feeds and see what happens. Equally, offer him milk if he wakes after 2 hours - less screaming all round.

What is the pattern of feeds just now?

hello again, just up after feeding baby
(coming up to 4am). one handded typing so apologies. mears and sconesjamandcream, yes i am waking him between feeds, partly because the paediatrician told us not to allow him to go more than four hours between feeds as he is pretty small - birthweight under 3 kilos/seven pounds. having said that he's just gone five hours, from 10.30pm last night to 3.30am just now. that was accidental, i didn't get up quick enough, but no harm done if he was soundly asleep, which he was - so couldn't have been ravenous or anything.

we've been feeding him three hourly during the day (on formula remember) to try to get the majority of his feeds down him in daytime, then two four hourly ones overnight. however i think we can start to space the daytime feeds out a bit more now a he's going well over is quota of formula in a 24 hour period and he's pretty farty by the evening/small hours (and cranky - yelled from 8pm till 1am) so maybe his digestive system could do with more time between feeds to digest everything...?

routine is going to be very important to me, i can't pretend otherwise, and i've read it can help with colic. and besides i am sleeping so fitfully even when baby is ok that it helps me to have times to aim for each 24 hours.

it will be nice if, one day, i wake up not with a lurch in my stomach and with clammy hands, but with a nice warm feeling about seeing my baby. what was my mantra meant to be again? it's no about what you've lost, but what you've gained...

neuroticlady, you havent lost anything, truly, it's just on hold for abit. I can't beleive how my life is 'back to normal' in a way, when i was in the full throes of the darkest early days with my ds, that I never imagined it could be.

of course, my life hasn't gone back to how it was, but i get to have more than a 2 minute shower now, and shave my legs, and eat in a relaxed way (sometimes) and shop and visit friends and enjoy my life again, but in an even fuller way really coz i spend so much time laughing and enjoying my ds. and yet i remember waking from whatever tiny bit of sleep i got with that awful stomach lurching terror, and clammy hands, just like you say; i echo all of the things you are feeling.

you will feel differently, just hang in there my lovely. {{{hugs}}}}

Ask any parent to think back of when they had their first child and they will all say how overwhelming at first it was. I know many mums who said when they had their second child it was such a different, easier and happier experience. But we are just talking about the first six weeks.
When our first was a week old, my partner and I did both think "What have we done?".. but that was literally hours.
You should not have these feelings constantly, you could be experiencing post natal depression so please speak to your health visitor and family. Let them know how you feel. If you are feeling negative all the time (totally not your fault) it will have a negative effect on your baby and make him cry more and not settle etc so dont ignore your feelings.
We all expect to be natural mothers and the reality is that it is something we learn. Just take each day at a time and follow your baby. Rest when you can, dont worry about whats going on outside your door. This time is for you to get to know each other and when it all gets too much go for a walk together.
I and all mums on here can promise you it gets easier real soon. Just dont expect too much from yourself for now and just expect to do nothing but follow his constant needs fpr these early weeks, the gaps grow bigger and bigger and than he finally fits around you.
We all had more children so it cant be that bad. I have two and I want more and I am the most unorganised person in the world.
Big hugs to you and you will get through this and look back and even laugh about it!

Hello! Haven't read all this but you could be writing about exactly how I felt! Its awful when you feel such grief for your old life. I especially resonated with what you said about all the congratulations cards!! I remember reading mine and thinking 'are you all fecking mental this is the worst thing in the world' and like you our baby was also very much planned and wanted.
In time your invading screaming monster will become the light of your life. It may take weeks or months or maybe longer. Just take your own time to deal with it moment by moment.
I found a routine was a life saver especially with formula feeding. I did 3 hourly for first few weeks then 4 hourly. Obviously I didn't make her wait if she was obviously hungry before the next feed time, just had a guide in my head to work by. The Contented Baby was a good idea of a routine cos it takes you month by month til baby is 12 months. Again just use it as a guide no baby fits it 100%. A routine will help you to feel some semblance of normality and I personally feel that babies feel secure with a routine.
I didn't think I would ever love my dd. I remember lying in bed praying to God to take her back!! Oh the guilt!! I now pray to God every night to keep her safe! She is at her grans tonight cos I've been too ill to cope and I'm really looking forward to seeing her tomoro! She's 20 months and is so cute when she clatters around the kitchen in my high heels! She's got better balance than me!
Just remember that one day you will be writing your story of a happy ending to another shocked new parent sooner than you imagine. xxxxxx

Feeling for you NeroticLady. Haven't read whole thread, so apologies if I'm echoing others.

I too felt exactly like you the first week DD was home. I remember wishing I'd never had a baby and thought DP was going to leave me, my life was over, fantasised about walking out, old life etc etc. Basically going completely bonkers. DD is now 16 weeks old and I love her - enormously. It didn't happen overnight though, I think it creeps up on you and I'm sure you'll find the same thing and probably be equally as surprised.

I know the days seem incredibly long at the moment, they will get shorter and easier. It helped me that everyone kept saying it gets better at about 12 weeks. although it felt like a lifetime away I literally counted the days and then it was the weeks and you know what... we got there and it got better long before the 12 weeks were up. It gets easier as you get to know each other, so you recognise why he's crying - eg. DD always cries with eyes closed when she's tired - maybe yours does too? It's probably not to everyones taste but I know I found the Baby Whisperer Book by Tracey Hogg helpful - in fact the only one that made sense to me with hindsight although the way its written is REALLY irritating.

On the feeding thing - we were in special care for a week after she was born and the advice when we left was never to let them go more than 5 hours between feeds at first. She was small too. So I'd say - stuff the doctors and let him sleep a bit longer (within reason) if he wants to, you'll probably all feel better for it.

Equally with you getting to sleep - have you ever done any yoga/meditation type stuff? Deep breathing and relaxation exercises can be really helpful in avoiding the i can't sleep, I'm stressed because I can't sleep, I can't sleep because I'm stressed cycle. Also, one I like to remember is that someone told me that just lying down with your eyes closed - even if you can't get to sleep - is still good for you...

Phew, what an essay. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Glad you're hanging in there NL- really that's what it's all about initially.

I totally agree with miffymum about the sleep/feed thing- especially as your son is exceeding his formula quota each day. You can have a routine for the most part, with a little give here and there when he's happily asleep.

Small things will start to get better soon. Just keep going through the necessities, almost mechanically if that's the only way you can get through it-I certainly had times like that- and make sure you keep your HV/doctor fully informed of how you're feeling.

I'm just looking forward to the day when you post "I now know that it's all been worth it"! And I promise you, that day will come (even if you really don't believe me at the moment).

havn't read all the threads but it also reassures me to know that so many also found it hard. I have a DD 23 mos and dear son 3.5 and all I can say is that I was knocked for 6 with my DS. I do have amazing moments with them now though although there are lots of frustrating times!

I actually now feel I can say it's worth it and for a long time my my first I felt I would never be able to say those words!

Here's to all of you mums out there (raises much needed glass of red wine!)

Hi NL, I was thinking of you today and just wondered if you have been to see your GP or spoken to your Health Nurse about how you are feeling (by this I mean largely the anxiety and panic attacks)?

PPx

neuroticlady, I am in Adelaide but I am happy to be a contact to chat to while MN is alseep...

Email me [email protected] if you want to chat!

Hello everyone, thanks so much for continuing to think of me, DH and baby and to ask how it's going. I have been to GPs and kind of mentioned how I feel, albeit in a very British stiff upper lip type way ("I do worry I may be a prime candidate for PND, ha ha") but if I feel no better by the end of this week when the health nurse visits I will have a really honest talk with her. I kind of don't want to do this in front of DH, who will be around, as he just cannot understand how someone who has chased parenthood for so long can now be reacting so negatively to it. My feeling is that (a) we entered the parenthood game without much in reserve after numerous miscarriages, fertility treatment and a crisis talk about our marriage, before deciding to give up on babies - and then falling pregnant naturally a month later. Yes, I am a walking cliche... I think the fertility/miscarriage issues combined with breast cancer have combined to mean I have learned to mistrust my body and as a result I doubt my abilities to parent effectively. I also think that years of things to worry about (breast cancer, infertility, repeat miscarriages) have taken their toll and raised my anxiety levels (already a worrier without any of that lot) to ridiculous levels. And, finally (still with me? Sorry, long ramble) my feelings of isolation at being on the other side of the world from my family are compounding all these anxious/out of control/overwhelmed feelings I am having.

Now I just need to spill that lot to the GP...

I am also finding it really hard not to interfere with the way DH is doing things. Does that sound familiar or is that just the control freak in me coming out again? DH gives each 'settling' method about five seconds to work before trying something else. I am finding the sling a godsend but he whipped it off after about a minute as it didn't bring instant results. Poor bub is bright red in the face and screaming and I know the next thing will be DH will go into a black mood - then I will get completely stressed and then he will tell me to go to bed and relax ready for my overnight shift. As if!!!!

Better go and talk to him.... Thanks again for all the words of encouragement. It really is helping.

interfering? Absolutely familiar - see my post about halfway down the thread! Exhaustion and stress inevitably frays tempers, and I think that you both end up focussing on the baby and probably being more abrupt / critical with each other than would normally be the case. remember, it's not necessarily the case that the same approach will work for each of you. as you pointed out earlier, it's much more efficient in terms of sleep /rest etc to take turns at tackling the task in hand; also I think the baby probably picks up the stress if you're snapping at each other.... I'd recommend a sort of "you handle this, I'll go and have a cup of tea, and if it's still going in 20 mins I'll have a turn..." - then when the 20 mins is up, the taking over seems automatic / less of a "criticism" iyswim....

(hindsight is a wonderful thing)

thanks legalalien. sorry I haven't done anything about the CAT thing yet. DH is now in a fury too and is determined to put raging baby in cot and leave him there to cry. I can either leave him to it and have to listen to the screaming or I can interfere and have a huge row. Which is less stressful, I wonder...?

The crushing thing is I'd got the baby off to sleep in the sling and I made the mistake of then trying to put him in his cot. We haven't had a moment's peace since.

The screaming for hours with no apparent cause or cure is absolutely the worst aspect of all this for me because there is nothing we can do to stop it. I hate seeing the baby so distressed and I hate that I don't know how to help him.

Apart from the fact that it's bloody noisy and stressful...

All attempts at sleep given up totally for now...

Hi NL, getting my husband to get his head around the fact I needed more than tea and sympathy to get through the early months was extremely hard and one of the biggest challenges we faced as new parents.

You will know if you need more help than you are currently getting and the HV should be a good milestone. There is additional help out there if you feel you need it and she should be able to talk to you about this. Just knowing it is there may be enough for you.

I also entered parenthood coming off an anxious past (difficulty conceiving) and my experience with PND has shown me this can be one of the contributing factors.

PPx

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Hiya NL - your dh is falling into the classic 'i've tried everything and nothing works' category. The golden rule is you have to choose a strategy and stick to it for a significant period of time before giving up. Copping and changing is very confusing for a newborn and 5 mins is hardly long enough!! Each time you change to a strategy, children react (usually by doing more ie crying etc) and then it takes a while for them to get used to it so you have to persevere to know if it will work or not. Hope this helps.....

Oops that should be chopping not copping

Dd did the "screaming for hours" thing too. It started when she was 10 days old. As far as I was concerned, it simply confirmed to me that I was an awful parent, who couldn't stop her own child crying. Like you, dh and I had gone through years of infertility and were waiting to start IVF when I found out I was pregnant. Also like your dh, neither my dh or I couldn't understand why I was finding it so hard.

I just think as I've said before, that when you've spent so long wanting a baby, you have hoped and wished and dreamed about how it's going to be. The reality is always going to be so, so, so much harder.

In my imagination through all those childless, devastating years, I was the perfect parent, with the perfect baby who would sleep, feed, gurgles contentedly and smile while I carried on with my life, in my tidy house, with my organised cupboards, being admired by my friends who envied my coping skills!

Never has a dream been more wrong!

When you go to see your GP, or Health Nurse again, why don't you just print out this thread and show them highlighted parts to read. You express yourself so well in writing, and it might be easier than trying to explain it again. You've been incredibly honest in your posts and if someone else reads them, you won't be tempted to re-tell your feelings in a different or stiff-upper-lip way.

Regarding your ds screaming- have you considered cranial osteopathy? My dh is an osteopath and has helped literally hundreds of "screaming" "difficult sleepers". Reflux may be a cause of screaming so thats something for the doctor. ( haven't read all the thread so apologies for any repeat advice)
Do look into cranial though because its so effective. Babies get so squashed in the womb that a bit of osteopathy really helps to relieve any tension they might be suffering.
It will also help you to relax and chill out a bit more so well worth spending money on.

hi neuroticlady....i know exactly where you are coming from...dd is 9wks old and i've been there too.

just wanted to say that at 9wks things ARE better - BUT - don't do as i did and pin your hopes on the idea that things will be better at 6wks...they probably will be, but only in small ways, and you may only notice the improvement with hindsight. When 6wks came round i actually felt worse because things weren't better, IYSWIM!

looking back now from this short distance yes things are better - bit not loads, and not all of the time. however we have reached a point where i feel more like we are coping. scraping by perhaps, but coping.

things will improve...but slowly and without you really noticing!

Another thing to consider. If baby settles in sling but cries when put down perhaps he might feel happier if swaddled?? He's just come out of your body where he was constantly "cuddled" so maybe try that. But do look into the cranial stuff.

Hi NL,
Just wanted to add the same as all the other posts, what you're going through is so normal, i think people don't tell you this because they don't want to feel like they're the only one who feels this way.

Hope you find a good baby group soon, I desperately didn't want to join one, didn't see how I could possibly forge a friendship with somebody just because we might have had sex the same time to conceive a baby, but eventually i went and have such a good friend out of it now, it's so good being able to say these things that worry you about your baby out loud and somebody actually agreeing!

Tell us about this little bundle then:
does he look like either of you yet?
does his little hand hold your finger tight when you hold him? have you taken a picture of his little hand next to yours, or his little foot next to yours, so you can remember how tiny he is (trust me, you'll really want to remember in a few months )
has he got lots of hair?
is he squigdy, bonny, long?

Would agree with not waking him for night feeds if he's putting on weight ok now. At 1yo my DS [big sigh emoticon] still wakes loads to feed at night, but there are those babies who sleep through from the 2nd day apparently , so you never know, waking him might be confusing his little body if he's just hit a deep sleep.

Is there anybody who can babysit for you even if just for an hour so you and DH can get out, even if just for a walk, or quick drink?

Congratulations, this is the hardest most wonderful time of your life and you will start enjoying it, promise .

and your mum arrives soon . Mums make everything better, and just think the relief you're feeling at the fact she'll soon be with you, your little bundle will be feeling about you one day.

Hi neuroticlady

I hope things are getting better, it is hard being away from your family at a time like this, I am an Aussie living in Scotland and when my DD was born all I wanted was my Mum.

This thread brings back so many memories (and not all of them good ones) of when my DD was a baby. She just cried or screamed all the time - one night she actually cried for 5 hours straight, I remember my DH and I standing in the hallway just hugging each other, not knowing what to do, it has to be the most stressful thing in the universe!!

It was DH's job to out her to bed in the evening after I had fed her and he had to buy earplugs as her screams were so deafening that he would get ringing in the ears afterwards (gods knows what the neighbors thought!) She sounded like a car alarm going off.

All my health visitor could say was "Oh, some babies just cry" I had to stop myself yelling "Yes I know she f***g cries but how do I stop it". I was convinced that there was a book or website that would tell me what I was doing wrong and would spend the precious time I did have (and should have been sleeping) trying to find that magic book, And then when I was lying in bed I was so worked up I just could not sleep - I was just too anxious all the time. I really wanted to have a good cry but couldn't as she was a C-section my scar hurt too much if I started crying so I would just lie in bed with tears pathetically running down my face (ohhh getting a bit teary writing this).

She is now 2 and a half and a delightful (if demanding) toddler. My Mum says that she just was not happy being a baby and I think she is right and although I hate to admit it the health visitor was right ... some babies just cry. I have just had my second (and made my Mum come over for 3 weeks when he was born) and my DS is the opposite of his sister, he sleeps really well and is a very happy baby and rarely cries (also I am alot more relaxed).

It will get better and this is so so normal what you are going through - you are not alone and I know it may be hard to see it but it will get easier. Best of luck with everything and enjoy that Aussie sunshine.