I am really sorry to post again but have no one else to talk to

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

We were meant to be going on a day out yesterday but DS1 behaved in such a way that DH cancelled it and DS had to spend time in his room.

Today we went on our day out. We had lunch out, and I felt, a nice time. I gave some of my hot choc to DS and bought him some crisps as he was the only one who ate all his lunch - explaining that he was having these treats for good behaviour.

Cane home, the odd thing but I felt we managed. No shouting today from me or hubby.

DS was very rude about dinner and said he didn't want any so DH sent him upstairs. He refused to change his bed, get ready for a bath and 2 seconds after I had spoken to him and his sister about behaviour and how I didn't want any back chatting, etc etc he is back chatting and arguing with me as much as I wasn't responding but I am sure you know what I mean. Consequence is he has the same bed sheets on as the past week (I will change tmw while he is at school so one day won't hurt), he has had no bath, no story and when I put the little one to bed later (DD and DS1 were in bed by 5.30pm) I looked in on DS1 to check on him and he said What do you want? When I asked him to change his bed he told me to do it as I was the one who wanted it done.

DH and I are so unhappy at the moment. I fantasise about leaving/dying/running away and I just feel so sad and alone.

Sorry again for being so crap.

I just know if I wasn't so tired I could cope better.

I think when the first thing happens I maybe lose heart (without consciously realising)and find it hard to keep it together.

We replaced a door today and DS1 took it in the garden and he and DD painted it green

I am off to bed. Have head ache, AF turned up and am worrying about seeing someone I thought was a good friend tomorrow.

TMW is another day and it will be better.

Night night, NAB

Can you plan a secret surprise to do with him for someone else in your famiy, so you have a shared "thing" with him that others don't have, something that he knows you have entrusted to him, a present, or making pancakes next week, or something...so that he feels special and it stands out as being different. Be conspiratorial with him.....maybe he will see you and your relationship with him in a new light.

Why does he need to change the bed? I think it is a bit much to ask a 7 year old to do and they don't need to be changed more than one a week.
Yes it is good for children to help around the house but I think your expectations of him are to high.
Just try and relax ignore the ackchting and give hin praisefor good behavior and effort.
Can you give him a treat ifhe behaves well perhaps going somewhwre with just Mummmy or Daddy.

Have you been back to the GP for more help NAB?

Have Sure Start contacted you?

You always have some lovely advice from people on here but I do get more and more convinced that until you get some more help, support and strategies, how can things change? Do take the time and energy to focus on you. I know it's hard when you have 3 and have the lack of motivation that comes with depression. But I can't say strongly enough how I think that's the key; focus on YOU and the rest will follow.

mumeeee This is done now tbh. The beds are changed once a week, he is old enough to help by taking off the dirty bedding.

HG Home start said they weren't crisis help and weren't sure they could help. I am seeing the GP next month.

Hubby and I talked and I said the main thing is to not shout as that makes everything worse. To use a firm but fair tone when asking them to do/stop doing something and to start a new day. I had to ask DS1 to stop running by the road 3 times before he would as DS2 was following him and it is dangerous but we had a much better morning. I really want things to change. I just feel so lonely now my Nan has died and I can't get any emotional support from my ILs.

BTW I have made up DS1's bed for him so that is finished with now.

Have to go, DS2 wants me to read to him.

Thanks, HG.

Oh NAB, I'm relatively new to MN and don't know the full background, but I do understand that you're having an incredibly trying time and you do SO MUCH your best for your LOs.

It does seem to me that you take your DS's behaviour very personally (of course you do, it's only right and natural), but I wonder if he feels a lot of responsibility on his shoulders - like he has to be a) good and b) happy in order to help you be happy. This makes him act up in order to try to be shorn of the responsibility.

It's hard for him. It's BLOODy hard for you. I don't know how you disengage. Perhaps you only feel like a good mother when your DS is being happy and good. But try to believe that you are a good mother even when things are pants, because people rub up against one another all the time, even adults who've had years of learning how to behave. You are there. You are trying to do the right thing. You love him no matter what. You are the best mother.

you're feeling crap atm.

Fwiw my ds (just turned 9) has been like this for a while - wont do anything he's asked without a HUUUUGE amount of backchat and always has an excuse for why he shouldn't do it.

Atm I'm putting it down to his age - they are starting to grow up and want to do things off their own bat rather than because mum tells them to.

A fixed rota might help a little so he knows exactly what is expected from him. Give him a list of what he has to do for the week and let him do each thing when he feels like it. Promise a treat/consequence at the end of the week and see how it goes.

My DS's room looked like a bloody bomb had went off and could see crisp packets, etc lurking under the bed. After nagging away, I finally told him he had until the end of the week to clean it cos I wasn't, or no friends will allowed over cos of the mess. It did work.

Btw you are not crap - sounds like quite the opposite actually!!

Sure start sound like they could have been more helpful! No they're not emergency help as such, but they ARE there to assist families with at least one child under 5 who are struggling. Please don't let them put you off. Take what they offer even if it seems like it won't be that much help; because it probably WILL help to have another person around even for an hour or two a week, specially as you have lost someone close and feel a bit lonely at the mo.

Glad you're seeing the GP. I think you might need to tell the GP what you're wanting though - don't just go in and ask what they think......be as specific as possible in asking for what you think will help (try different meds? try a raised dose of what you're on? Couple this with some counselling?) If I were you I'd write a list of how you are at your worst and how stuck you feel etc, so that you don't forget anything; the GP needs the full picture in order to be able to help.

Good luck NAB

Couldn't get on here this aft as computer playing up.

Thanks all, have posted a few minutes ago on a new thread - please read.

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I don't have any family at all. My Nan died 2.7 years ago, just before my youngest was born.

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My inlaws won't babysit in the evenings at all and aren't good about emotional support. They will sometimes have one or two of the kids but sometimes it is more hassle than it is worth tbh.