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Original poster

I am really sorry to post again but have no one else to talk to

64 replies

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 18:30

We were meant to be going on a day out yesterday but DS1 behaved in such a way that DH cancelled it and DS had to spend time in his room.

Today we went on our day out. We had lunch out, and I felt, a nice time. I gave some of my hot choc to DS and bought him some crisps as he was the only one who ate all his lunch - explaining that he was having these treats for good behaviour.

Cane home, the odd thing but I felt we managed. No shouting today from me or hubby.

DS was very rude about dinner and said he didn't want any so DH sent him upstairs. He refused to change his bed, get ready for a bath and 2 seconds after I had spoken to him and his sister about behaviour and how I didn't want any back chatting, etc etc he is back chatting and arguing with me as much as I wasn't responding but I am sure you know what I mean. Consequence is he has the same bed sheets on as the past week (I will change tmw while he is at school so one day won't hurt), he has had no bath, no story and when I put the little one to bed later (DD and DS1 were in bed by 5.30pm) I looked in on DS1 to check on him and he said What do you want? When I asked him to change his bed he told me to do it as I was the one who wanted it done.

DH and I are so unhappy at the moment. I fantasise about leaving/dying/running away and I just feel so sad and alone.

Sorry again for being so crap.

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TurkeyLurkey · 03/02/2008 18:57

Nab -there is nothing wrong with getting them to help you out in the house. Mine have to too, they need to appreciate that you are not a skivvy.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:03

It isn't about not appreciating the day out. To be fair he had been okay (or at least we had coped with his behaviour that wasn't the best by being firm but fair and haven't shouted today). He can kick off from the smallest things. We could ask him to put his shoes to polish and then somehow it turns huge.

He said he didn't like dinner and then wanted some but no roast potatoes. It sounds so stupid written down but I think DH had had enough of him being rude and DS had said he didn't want any dinner originally, I would have given him some with no potatoes but DH stepped in. I think it was because he only wants Great Nanny's potatoes but DH said no, he is being rude. I think he had had enough tbh.

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Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:03

His behaviour isn't all about the death of GN as he was like this before hand.

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dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 03/02/2008 19:04

Nab if you ever want some skills for dealing with this - as a friend i'd be happy to help with stuff from my parenting course. Please just say. Nothing superior in me offering this to you. I struggle like mad with my 3 even though I teach parenting techniques and you know I'm all over the place on the depression/can't cope awfulness so if I can only offer empathy then I'd be happy to.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:06

I am always happy to accept help.

Can't stop thinking about the friend I upset and wondering what will happen if I see her tomorrow.

What I wouldn't give for a quiet boring life.

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soapbox · 03/02/2008 19:07

NAB I too have a 7yo boy and I think along MB's lines, I always try to 'manage' my own expectations rather than look for complete compliance across the whole range of behaviours.

Selecting a couple of things and just concentrating on those will free you all up from conflict, which you all, as a family appear to have become locked into.

I think you have every right to insist on the behaviours that are important to you and DH as parents, but otoh, being realistic about this is important too, if life is not to turn into a battle ground. Back chatting is imho, best dealt with by gentle humour. The kind of 'ho, ho, ho, you don't think you are getting away with speaking to me like that boyo'! I think the kind of leaping to it reaction that I did as a child was really a consequence of fear, it is your call as to whether that is the kind of parenting you want to follow in your family - it is far from my choice though.

However, on things that are non-negotiable I am a stickler for giving warnings on things that have to be done, with clear consequences that will happen right there and then. So the bed linen would have been 'You have until I count to 3 to remove your bedlinen and put it into the laundry basket, or there will be no TV at all this evening'. The consequences must be appropriate though, and I have to say that I think sending a child to bed by 5.30 (at 7yo) is not on. It is too punative, in my opinion.

Being the child of a depressed parent is not much fun for a child I don't imagine I think you probably need to work much, much harder to make things fun for them and to act appropriately to the every day challenges that parenting brings. However, you must know and keep at the front of your mind, that you are a good enough parent to your child and that you both deserve a good working relationship. I think though, that talking to your GP about how you feel and how your relationship with DS is deteriorating, may help.

And if all else fails, remember the acting trick! Act as if he is a dream child, you've never met a child as fabulous and easy as he is etc etc. Every interaction with him is acted on exactly that basis (imagine the film crew filming you both - he is so amazing he and you are the subject of a serious documentary) and over time you will surprise youself at how close to the 'fiction' life becomes

soapbox · 03/02/2008 19:10

I think your DH was very harsh over the potato thing, it all just seems so 'head on' from reading your posts here. Why was him saying he prefers nanny's potatoes 'rude'? Can't he express his preferences without being told off?

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:11

All the kids went straight to sleep so I have no problem in them going that early. He wasn't sent to bed for his behaviour as such. He would have gone later if he had had his bath and a play.

Our prob is finding consequences. They don't really have tv on an evening so can't take that away. He did lose computer and piano for a while and some of his toys. There just doesn't seem to be the right consequence for him to get the message.

I am well aware of the fact they are probably having a crap time but I am trying my best and it just isn't good enough.

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Blandmum · 03/02/2008 19:15

Can you think of some small 'carrots' if he does comply?

For example if Ds does his Karate class and behaves well het gets a 35p match Attax pack of cards

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 03/02/2008 19:17

I may be waaaaay off the mark but one of my issues is abandonment (different circs to you) and with that, I feel, comes a certain amount of anger. You aren't aggressive here but i sense anger and resentment in you. Hence, two things; is your son picking up on this 'vibe' and reenacting it, and, secondly, do you think this resentment is being bound up with this thing you have regarding expectation of your son?

I had hypnotherapy not so long ago. I didn't go deeply under, but when I did and then 'awoke' I blurted out something that displayed deep resentment about my lot and how ungrateful I felt my children were for my efforts.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:18

He didn't say he prefered GN potatoes, but he has said something about it before. He is sad that he won't ever have her potatoes again. He said he didn't want any dinner because he didn't like it and he went off.

I have tried heaps of praise and things like he can watch a DVD after tea for doing so and so very well but it doesn't seem to sink in that he gets treats for this and that and he doesn't know when to stop. OTOH he will ask for a chocolate bar as he has been good for 2 minutes.

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Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:18

He will only be good if he gets something.

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Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:22

DSXW Could you explain a bit more please as I don't get it?

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soapbox · 03/02/2008 19:25

Ah sorry - although if he was that tired, his behaviour will have been deteriorating quite rapidly.

What are the things that he loves doing - how does he spend his time out of preference? Might there be some consequences there?

I think given his expectations about receiving 'things' for being good, it might be worth turning the 'carrots' into time with you or DH alone doing something rather than something material. So if he does something nicely, then you sit down together and build a lego 'thing' or take him swimming, or to the park and kick a football about.

Time spent one on one, always seems to improve my DS's behaviour! So much so, that we now make time at the weekend for each of DH and I to have time along with each of the children. This afternoon, DH to DD to her netball practice while DS and I built a lego spaceship! Lovely time spent together. We've forgotten to make any tea, so I am now scabbling around trying to find somethign to make quickly - but the time spent with him was more important right then

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 03/02/2008 19:27

Soz!

Well, I was left by my parents for a very short time but it has left me with several 'issues' that are having a negative impact on me. Nothing like the abandonment I fear you have experienced but nevertheless I am becoming aware that I have resentment and anger in me which can be attributed to some past experiences where I feel I was 'let down'.

Being let down now makes all these feelings rise up in me and I feel bitter disappointment, crossness and like all I do is for nothing.

I'm just wondering if you feel like this with your ds and maybe for the same reasons? Like his behaviour towards you triggers off these angry and resentful feelings that you actually have towards your mother perhaps?

I'm only guessing though

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:27

We have tried to have one to one time with Dh and DS1 but then DD feels left out as she wants to go too. Then the youngest pipes up me come?

Sometimes DS1 doesn't want one to one time with either of us so then what do we do. We also want to go out all together as we get precious little time with all of us together that doesn't involve getting them ready for school/bed.

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Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:30

I am being really thick tonight as I am sure I know what you are meaning but I just can't get it!!

I so wanted my kids to have a happy childhood as mine was so crap and that is why DS1 got away with so much when younger. He was also going to be an only child so it didn't seem to mater if I spoilt him or let him treat me like his skivvy. I was so happy to have him that I was happy to run around after him all the time.

I also know I am expecting him to make it all okay and show me what to do as I don't have a clue and I know that is wrong too. he won't change his behaviour until I sort myself out.

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soapbox · 03/02/2008 19:33

Well, I know the other children want to go too, but the answer is, NO!

Isn't there anything he enjoys doing that he would like to do with you or DH, 1 on 1? A sport, or hobby?

I think it is really important - worth making time for...

MicrowaveOnly · 03/02/2008 19:33

NAB while I was going thru a difficult patch with ds I read Lionel Shriver's " we must do something about Kevin" not that the book is important at all - but on the frontsheet she had a quote which really helped me change the way I was dealing with ds..

" A child needs your love most when he deserves it least."

Any help?

Blandmum · 03/02/2008 19:34

Oh agree that 'carrot' can be time in family activities of his choice.

We do a fair bit of 'Do X, and when you are done we can play Y together'

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:36

Oh, MO, I love that child so much and it breaks my heart when I try and explain how much I love him and he doesn't believe me or want me too. I always love him, I just don't always like his behaviour.

He would love to go and fly his helicopter with Daddy but he broke it.

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soapbox · 03/02/2008 19:39

NAB - can you find that happy, laid back mum again, if you dig really deep?

Reading your posts, as I've just spend the last 15mins doing, it looks like both of you need to find your groove again. It must be there somewhere - you sound such a committed mum, desperate to make everything work again!

Perhaps it might mean going backwards a bit, in order to go forward - give him a longer leash for a while, insisting only on 2 or three things - no hurting anyone, no damaging his surroundings and basic manners. Then just hang out - take every opportunity to just be with him. Then once things are easier, start building up the new rules gradually - letting each one bed in, before turning to the next one!

I really wish there were magic wands that we could wave for perfect parenting - you sound right now in deperate need of the fairy godmother putting in an appearance

The truth, sadly, is that it is long, hard grunt work! But the results will be so, so worth it (or so I tell myself - repeatedly!

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:41

Just remembered something else. The little one gets all clingy to me at times and I am sure he is being upset by the atmosphere.

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soapbox · 03/02/2008 19:43

Well the helicopter is broken, so there is no point dwelling on that is there? Presumably that was dealt with at the time, and once things have been dealt with, there is no point in going over them again and again!

What else, that isn't broken, might he like to play with? Lego, playmobil, computer game, football, board games, reading a book, watching a dvd, baking, cooking, puzzles, drawing etc etc etc

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 19:47

He came out of school the other day and I had forgotten to bring him a snack. I said Oh, sorry when he asked and he said don't worry mummy it is okay.

He used to be so lovely and I know he still is he is just as miserable as we are but I don't know why. I don't know if it is just normal boy behaviour at this age and we are just not knowing what to do or expect. He breaks things on purpose when he is cross, keeps saying he isn't bothered.

I try and talk to him but he doesn't really tell us anything. He is no trouble at school and can be the loveliest boy in the whole world. I am sorry for him that he has me for his mum as he deserves so much better.

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