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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

is 6 years too big a gap between siblings?

119 replies

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 19:34

Does anyone think a 6 year age gap between siblings is too big?
Our daughter will be 3 in March and I thought about trying for another baby soon after but my husband would like to wait longer as he feels it wouldn't be fair on our daughter to have no say in the matter, and he feels the baby would take all the attention away from her. He would like a 6 year gap so that Lucy is settled in to school and pretty independant. He also says that we could enjoy them more seperatly and it would be less stressfull. What do you guys think ? I want to do what's best for our daughter but don't know if siblings will bond or have anything in common after a 6 year gap.

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ArmadilloDaMan · 14/01/2008 19:36

dp and his sis have 6 year age gap.

I don't think they were that close when she was tiny, but were and are as they got older.

princessmel · 14/01/2008 19:38

Hi, I think that your older one would love a baby sibling at 6. They wouldn't have a lot in common but they would adore each other.And she'd be a huge help to you.
I know families with this gap, (they had 2 older children then a 6 yr gap)and it works fine. Only problem is finding things in holoiday time for them both to enjoy. Usually one will be too old and one too young for things. But thats not the end of the world. It will teach them to wait and enjoy doing other things for their sibling.

iMum · 14/01/2008 19:39

5 yr gap between my 2 ds's and it works WONDERFULLY.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 19:45

Thanks, I think you're right a six year old would really appreciate a baby. She is very sociable and loves babies.

OP posts:

bobsmum · 14/01/2008 19:48

I'm not strictly in the same situation as you as I have one in between, but ds will be 5 and a half by the time no3 arrives.

He is so excited about baby; something he wasn't when I had dd because he was only 2. Now he's asking all sorts of questions and looking at baby books with me - he loves all the internal anatomy side of things and keeps quizzing me on umbilical cords [grins]

He's in primary one and so out of the house for most of the day. HOwever dd at 2.5 will be starting nursery after the summer and is pretty independent already. She's a lot more socially confident and self assured than ds was at this age.

So I think it really depends on the child.

I love the way my children interact with each other with an almost 3 year gap. They get on brilliantly. DD hasn't had my undivided attention as such, although she does from 8:30-4:40 every day now ds is at school. We didn't need a 6 year gap for that to happen.

I definitely couldn't do a teeny weeny age gap and have 2 or 3 under 2 or 3, but I'm happy with the gap we've got. I'll only have one in nappies for example

I think what I'm saying is, 6 years would be fine, but 3,4 or 5 would also work. Little girls love babies and love to feel like they're "helping". I'm looking forward to seeing my dd at 3 being big sis and I'm confident enough in her undersatnding at this age, that she will get that there will be times when she needs to share mummy.

Ds has struggled with thinking the world revolves around him and finds sharing hard, so having dd and soon dc3 will help him socially more than it will hinder him I think.

hth

josben · 14/01/2008 19:49

I think that they may be closer if it were a smaller gap - purely because they would poss be interested in similar toys, hobbies and also friends....

BUT my Dh and his sister have a 22 month age gap and have never been close (not even when growing up) and now they are lucky if they see each other once a year...

Maveta · 14/01/2008 19:51

My sister is 6.5 years younger than me. We adored each other until I was about 13. From 13 to about 24 (she 6 to 18) I wouldn´t say we had much of a relationship as we were just in very different stages. SInce she left home we have become closer and closer and get on really well now.

My older sister is 2.8 years older and while we fought a lot more as children, since 14(me)/17(her) onwards, we have been the best of friends.

So each way has it´s positives and negatives..

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 19:51

Oh and we had to have treatment to concieve our daughter and I was ver ill throughout the pregnancy and spent some time in hospital. I know no two pregnancies are the same, but I think an older child would understand more and wouldn't be too upset if I was ill. There is also a chance of twins. On the other hand I know that if I leave it too late there is a chance that I won't be able to have another.

OP posts:

seeker · 14/01/2008 19:51

There's a 5 year gap between mine - they are 12 and nearly 7 now and so far it's been brilliant. 7 hero worships 12 and 12 dotes on 7!

I'm not sure that I agree with your dh that Lucy should have some say in the matter, though - I think the decision whether to have another child should be an entirely adult one. But just my opinion of course.

SoupDragon · 14/01/2008 19:54

"wouldn't be fair on our daughter to have no say in the matter"

You'd base your decision on whether a 6 year old wants a sibling??? Madness IMO!

DSs are 2 years apart and there's 5 years between DS2 and BabyDragon. They all get on fine and are all close. There are no guarantees with any age gap TBH. It has been a struggle for DSs on occasions though as we haven't been able to do some of the things we were used to doing because DD is too small (and a nightmare)

bluedomino · 14/01/2008 20:01

My brothers are 5 & 6 years older than me. I was spoilt rotten by them and still am, even though they are in their 40s. As teenagers they took me everywhere with them, its a great age gap.

WezzleWoo · 14/01/2008 20:02

there's a 9 year gap between dds 1 & 2 and a 2 year gap between dd2 & ds. i was worried about the age gap when i was pregnant with dd2 - partly because of other peoples comments about how i must have been mad starting all over again etc. Anyway having dd2 was the best thing i ever did. DDs adore each other and DD1 was and still is a great help [out of choice - i never force her to help out with LOs]and they both love ds. IMO having a smaller age gap like the 2 years i have now is far harder than a larger age gap - but i wouldn't have it any other way.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 20:14

My husband wants our daughter to have a say in the matter. I'm happy to meet him half way by finding out indirectly wether or not she'd like a sibling, like if she gets to five and can't stand babies then a sibling probubly wouldn't be the best idea.

OP posts:

jogym · 14/01/2008 20:18

I have an 8 year old and a 14 month old. I didnt make a conscious decision to have that much of a gap it just happened that way. For a long time I thought DD1 could be an only child. I had a bad birth experience and it took me all those years to go for it again. My DDs get on great. My DD1 is so capable in helping out with DD2 and she loves it. I imagine there might seem to be a bigger gap when they get to say 6 and 13 - a young child and a teenager but it doesn't cause me any concern. I hope they will still be there for each other whatever ages they might be. When they get to say 18 and 25 I think that's lovely because then they will be there for each other and have similar interests, hobbies maybe (boys and parties) I imagine. You are having your baby for yourselves not for your daughter - I don't think it's going to ruin her life and I don't think it matters what the gap is. Your children will love each other no matter what gap there is!! and believe me having a bigger gap between the two does not lessen the stress! Why would you say oh we've left it too late now to have another. I always used to think what would I prefer my daughter to be an only child or have a sibling whatever the gap - I chose the latter.

hunkermunker · 14/01/2008 20:18

I am struggling to say this constructively, but you'd really base your decision on whether to have another child on what another child says?

I am a huge believer in children having a say in things, truly. But in this instance, it's utterly mad to let your DD have what amounts to "final say" on this - if that's what you intend and from your posts it looks as if it is.

sophisticatedlangoustine · 14/01/2008 20:24

THread has definitely moved on from the OP!!

I agree with others - a child of 5 should not have the final say in whether another child is born!! As if they have the maturity, understanding or wisdom to make that kind of decision!!

Am (almost) gobsmacked!

jogym · 14/01/2008 20:26

I have to say I agree with hunkermunker I thought it quite strange actually that you are basing this decision on what your daughter thinks! She's just a child and you're thinking I'll ask a five year old if she wants a brother or sister or not because she mightn't like babies. Bizarre.

RubySlippers · 14/01/2008 20:27

you can't base your decision on the whims of a 6 year old IMO

the right age gap, is the one that is right for you and your family

remember that you can plan all you want for another baby but it may take a longer or much shorter time

FWIW, I don't know how independent a 6 year old would be - yes they can dress themselves etc but they can't make their own dinner, do their homework etc without you

hunkermunker · 14/01/2008 20:28

Ask her if she wants a pony. If she says yes, you know you have to buy her one.

BrownSuga · 14/01/2008 20:28

I prefer a small age gap. I was watching a friends 2 play togeter 4 & 2 and it was so sweet. i think an older sibling would be too interested in different/older things to be bothered too much with a pesty younger sibling.

LoveMyGirls · 14/01/2008 20:35

I'd say start trying when she is about 4 so there is a 5ish year gap, my dd dd1 is 6yrs older than her sister and adores her sister only problem is the jelousy she can remember being the only one for such a long time she finds it hard to accept dd2 needs attention too like at the moment we are potty training and dd2 is getting sweets and praise etc dd1 starts messing about and being generally irritating when we are trying to give this phase of dd2's life such a positive influence we have to remind dd1 that when she potty trained she had more than sweets we even tried to bribe her with a bike! They both get a lot of attention but dd1 forgets at the same time as remembering iyswim? It's nice that dd1 is older and independant but she was like that from about 4 anyway I think it wouldnt have hurt to try earlier but it took me so long to convince dp!

cottonflee · 14/01/2008 20:42

My Gran had 3 children. Aunt and 8yrs later My Dad, 8 yrs after that she had my Uncle. The three of them are so very close, which is great especially as there is a 16yr age gap at one point.

psychomum5 · 14/01/2008 20:45

My DH has a 7yr gap between him and brother.....he is the younger.

he hated it.....BIL picked on him horribly and they hated each other right up until DH hit 18!

now they are ok, but by no means close.

I have 8yrs between me and younger half brother, but for family reasons we grew up in different families....altho I did love him and dote on him when he was tiny.

now however, I would not like him much if we weren't related!

for that reason, we chose to have all ours close together (5 babies in 8yrs!!), and they get on wonderfully (for now).

there is no right way and no wrong way, just what ever way works for your family.......BUT, as soupy and hunker and others have said, basing a huge descision on the whim of a sibling is only going to lead to tears....be it yours, DH, or even hers when she realises the reality isn't the dream she had in her head!!!!

do it for you and DH, and help DD adjust tto the wonderful world of siblingship!!!

UniversallyChallenged · 14/01/2008 20:46

6 years is way too much, wouldnt bother meself

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 20:46

Why is it bizarre to let our daughter have a say in the matter? yes she would be very young but is still a part of our familly. The decision we make will affect her life more than anyones. She will not have the final say, but she needs to feel that we value her oppinions. Isn't it quite common for an older sibling to shout at their parents "no one asked me if I wanted a sibling". We would be changing her life by having another child, so i think her oppinion and feelings do count.

OP posts:

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