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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

is 6 years too big a gap between siblings?

119 replies

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 19:34

Does anyone think a 6 year age gap between siblings is too big?
Our daughter will be 3 in March and I thought about trying for another baby soon after but my husband would like to wait longer as he feels it wouldn't be fair on our daughter to have no say in the matter, and he feels the baby would take all the attention away from her. He would like a 6 year gap so that Lucy is settled in to school and pretty independant. He also says that we could enjoy them more seperatly and it would be less stressfull. What do you guys think ? I want to do what's best for our daughter but don't know if siblings will bond or have anything in common after a 6 year gap.

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spugs · 15/01/2008 11:54

i have a 5 yr gap between dd1 and 2 (6 and coming up for 2) and it works really well, they both adore each other though they do scrap a bit. im pregnant with dd3 and there will be a 7 yr gap between dd1 and this one. will be interesting what a small age gap (23 mths between 2&3) will be liek

carmenelectra · 15/01/2008 11:54

Dynamic,

You would think, wouldnt you that you and your siSter would get on? Although the gap may have been big when you were younger, as you are both young women you would expect you both to have agreat deal in common. It just shows doesnt it?

My DP has a 6 yr gap with his sis and while i dont know what it was like when they were kids, they get on well now and they have a drink together and stuff and we have all been on holidays. I am 37 and my sis is 36(14 mth gap) and we get on fantastically. We always played together and had the same friends, we have worked togther also! We are still close and do lots together, but we are also very different and we have always(and still do)argue lots! I have always been glad we are close in age, but i expect it would ahve been different if i had had a brother instead.

pagwatch · 15/01/2008 12:15

I know you have already said you won't ask DD but for future reference.....
We had to deal with eldest sons 'guilt' over his brother developing special needs - god knows how bad he would have felt if DS2 was his 'fault' because he 'asked' for him.
Never ever ask a child to deal with adult issues - they can't rationalise and will blame themselves ifthe decision ends up being the 'wrong' one. Children have the most extrordinary capacity to blame them selves for almost everything - don't ever risk adding to it. They need the reassurance that you are in charge and in control to make them feel safe.

that said. I have Ds1 and DS2 and my DD is 6 years younger than DS2. It couldn't be more perfect. They don't fight for the same attention. DS1 and DS2 are old enough to like being big and kind to her. Both of them have helped me with her as best they can since she was born. It is fantabulous !

FioFio · 15/01/2008 12:20

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lucy5 · 15/01/2008 12:34

I have a 6 year gap between my two, I didn't plan it that way.

PROS

I have had 6 wonderful years with dd and now because she is at school I can give ds the same amount of time and attention as dd

DD was old enough to understand what was going on and is at an age where I can generally reason with her. She is also at an age where she can generally wait if she has too.

She is also very helpful, getting me nappies etc and feels very protective over her brother.

CONS

The age gap means they have very differing needs and this can be problematic.

The green eyed monster. We have been lucky that dd hasn't been too jealous but she can verbalise her feelings and makes it pretty clear when she is. I know there can be jealousy at all ages but with this age gap they have in essence had you for 6 years without having to share you.

Overall my two get on very well and they clearly love each other but I wouldn't have planned a 6 year gap, it was just what circumstances dictated.

I think to plan the gap according to first child needs will always be difficult as there will always be something that will make it a difficult time.

FluffyMummy123 · 15/01/2008 12:35

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/01/2008 12:35

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marina · 15/01/2008 12:39

I think it's right to consider the impact on your dd, but not wise to make your decision based on her views
Good luck with whatever you decide
I know taking the plunge and TTCing again when you have had a lot of obstetric difficulties previously can be an agonising decision. Do you think there is any chance at all that your dh is deeply anxious about this and subconsciously involving your dd in order to delay your decision? Just a thought.
We have four years between ours and different genders, the former not by choice. They get on famously when not fighting like two ferrets in a sack.

brimfull · 15/01/2008 12:39

do it now
get it over with
they can play together
your dd doesn't need to be consulted !

I have 11 yr gap

family days out ...difficult

FioFio · 15/01/2008 12:42

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/01/2008 12:42

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FioFio · 15/01/2008 12:44

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brimfull · 15/01/2008 12:46

I had 3 brothers
not a fighty squabbly family at all.

FluffyMummy123 · 15/01/2008 12:47

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MauraTierney · 15/01/2008 12:48

Just because children fight doesn't mean they don't like each other.

Baffy · 15/01/2008 12:49

I know you said you like to have everything planned out - but as you had trouble conceiving and a difficult pregnancy, I would start ttc as soon as you and dh feel ready.

It may take a few months, it may take a few years! Nature will decide.

But if you decide to wait until dd is 6, and then you have problems, the decision could well be taken out of your hands completely.

IMO it's pretty impossible to find the 'perfect' age gap (every child being so different) and even more difficult to plan that age gap with any certainty.

Follow your heart, do whatever you and dh want. Do what makes you happy. In turn it will be natural that your dd will be happy.

But don't try to plan this with military precision. As we all know, it's never that straight forward.

dooley1 · 15/01/2008 12:51

wannabe - what a sad story

FluffyMummy123 · 15/01/2008 12:58

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marina · 15/01/2008 13:01

Baffy, I get the impression that MLL might be talking about an assisted conception, which already imposes a different framework for decisions for her and her dh
I might be wrong but I wonder if the fact that it's not just deciding to go for it is really important

Clary · 15/01/2008 13:06

You know what works? The age gap you have.

I am sure many other MN-ers will sympathise with this kind of cautionary tale - a friend planned and ultra-planned a 3yr gap which she assessed as ideal; then she had a late mc and that was followed by 2 more early MCs. Finally (hurrah) she carried successfully her lovely DD - who is 6 yrs younger than her older sibling. What I am trying to say is that you cannot know how it will go and it is certainly possible to over plan.

Another pal has a 5yr gap between her 2 DDs which she may not have planned but they really struggled ttc both of them so I am sure they are over the moon. I know a bit more about the relationship between the siblings there, and the older DD lurrrves her little sis.

Equally, I have 2x2yr gaps and have found it lovely too. There are positives (and of course negatives, but let's focus on the +) in every family set-up.

good luck wjhatever you decide.

bubblagirl · 15/01/2008 13:07

my sis has 12 yr old nearly 13 and one of nearly 2 so 11 yr age gap

Iklboo · 15/01/2008 13:08

BIL 1 is 40, BIL 2 is 38, DH is 30, BIL3 is 21 next week

Oliveoil · 15/01/2008 13:12

my friend had a 8 year gap and then a 16 month gap (caught out, ahem)

all fine and dandy

the older one was a help when the second dd2 arrived, youngest son is spoilt rotten by his older sisters

personally I decided to have them close together and had a 22 month gap, sent me potty for nearly a year

great now they are 5 and 3 and play together (sometimes)

pros and cons for both

pigleto · 15/01/2008 13:14

I think 6 years is too much gap. I was six when my sister was born and although I love her very much we have never had much in common. She started primary when I started secondary school and she was starting secondary when I left home. She was a student while I was starting a family etc etc.

There is only an 18 month age gap between me and my brother and our dc are similar ages. We are much closer.

ja9 · 15/01/2008 13:21

there are just under 6 years between my little sister and me. we have always been quite close. closer than a lot of siblings i know...

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