is 6 years too big a gap between siblings?

[mummyloveslucy]

Does anyone think a 6 year age gap between siblings is too big?
Our daughter will be 3 in March and I thought about trying for another baby soon after but my husband would like to wait longer as he feels it wouldn't be fair on our daughter to have no say in the matter, and he feels the baby would take all the attention away from her. He would like a 6 year gap so that Lucy is settled in to school and pretty independant. He also says that we could enjoy them more seperatly and it would be less stressfull. What do you guys think ? I want to do what's best for our daughter but don't know if siblings will bond or have anything in common after a 6 year gap.

DD is a lucy too.
Yes, a first child does lose the highbeam intensity of attention when a sibling arrives. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. And I personally think that my ds has enriched dd's life and hope this will continue for the rest of their lives.
Maybe you could show your dh this thread, or perhaps precis it for him - particularly with regards to the appropriateness of giving your dd the say in whether or not she has a sibling.
If you are concerned that you may not be able to conceive, or that you wouldn't be able to if you left it the additional 2 years, then that is a major factor.

MLL, if you're worried about your fertility, I'd go for it now. Obviously consult your DH, but if there's a chance of no baby ever, that'd be the clincher for me to start asap.

Although I do warn you that I was told I'd never have children, DS1 was result of Clomid and DS2 I fell pg with the first month, so I have a 21m age gap!

I have to say, I don't really get the 'not being able to find something for a younger and an older child to do'. We just did whatever we fancied and the younger ones tagged on.

you know what.......the real Q is whether you and your DH want another baby.

if yes, then go for it, and then (if you become pregnant), help your DD learn how to be a big sister...something she will treasure forever (in good and bad ways).

who is to say that you will fall pregnant easily......if lucy took 2yrs then another could take as long, longer, or less!

lucy however is a little girl who is most likely very impatient (if she is like any other child I know), and if she has to wait for you to actually become pregnant, then she will get rather bored possibly (or even ask Q's that you wish she wouldn't, in front of people you definately wish not to know!!!)

I can't see what UniversallyChallenged has based 'way too much on'. I have 8 yr gap and has always been brilliant. DS1 always wanted a sibling- DS2 hero worships him,they get on beautifully. I have less than 2 yrs between DS2 and DS3 and they are the ones that argue all the time. Just be aware that when youngest is 12 the oldest may have left home.

Ah but suedonim, I am talking as the younger child with 2 older brothers. Much time spent ferrying them to football/cricket matches and generally being bored rigid in chilly fields. And of course by the time I was about 9 or 10, they were self-conscious older mid-teens who would rather NOT have been seen dead with me and parents out and about.

My 5yo would love a baby brother or sister. She talks about it a lot, especially as most of her friends now have siblings. It is difficult, however, to try and explain to a 5yo why that might not be possible and that mummy and daddy would like it too, but it might not happen. Made harder I find as she obviously knows that we have been able to have one child previously - her.

I'd not ask a young child TBH. Decision has to be you and DHs, as that is who the child is for. You shouldn't have a child just to be a sibling - siblings that may or may not even get on in childhood or later life.

Having a child is about extending your existing family and your dd should definitely be considered in that scenario, BUT ultimately you have to do what feels right for you and you have to weigh up all the considerations - your dd is only one!

If you are a younger Mum waiting may be a good option, but if you are a bit older it may take longer to conceive - what if you wait until dd is 6 and it takes a year or two to get pg? The gap becomes even larger that 6 years - is that a problem for you?

What will waiting vs having a baby now mean in terms of your career/your future?

Do you want to get through all the baby toddler stuff and finally have a more regular life with a 6 year old child only to get flung back into the world of nappies, nightfeeding, sleeplessness again, or would you prefer to get past those stages more quickly

Also with your dd being older there will be considerations such as: an age gap that big means that your childrens interests will be quite different. You may find it harder to have family outings that both siblings are interested in.

Your dd may resent her sibling anyway as she gets older if she is made to feel that she has to help "look after" the baby. (She may not, but these things are impossible to predict)

Ultimately you need to discuss it openly with your dp and come to a decision that suits you both. You need to factor how your dd might feel into any decision, BUT it should never be made on those grounds alone imo!

Btw - I am likely to have at least a 4 year gap because we are ttc (ds is 3) and it is taking longer than it did with ds, I don't care what the gap is I just want another child in our family.

I am only 20 mths apart from my sister and whilst obviously it meant that there were times when she got attention and I didn't (and vice versa) it did mean that we grew up understanding from quite an early age that we were not the centre of the universe. It helped us develop certain skills such as sharing, empathy and conflict resolution !

excuse all the typos - I am a crap speed typer

As a sibling myself I can see both extemes quite well I think. My brother is 16 months younger than me, my sister 9.5 years younger than me. AS small children my brother and I obviously played together esp on holidays, etc. However once we started junior school we had our own friends and other than on holidays or when away we played with seperate friends. Have already talked about relationship with sister. Now we are all adults, the relationships are the same regardless of the age gaps - we all get on well and i get on particularly well with my sister.

Day trips and holidays never a problem. It is amazing how quickly older and young siblings adapt to whatever they are doing IME and tend to have a good time regardless.

I am sure you are right about the outings Hulababy, my real point is that children adapt, so parents have to make the choice that suits them (obviously taking the children into account).

Six years between my first and third.

Six year old is fabulous with his sister.

Totally doable.

i have 19 months between my 2 DCs and it has been hard work. however now they are 2 and 3.10 and get on fabulously. I am here on mn and can hear them play their imaginative games singing away upstairs (mind you it will probably descend into a ruck any minute!)

however, i also think a big gap works very well too. i have 3 sisters - one 3 years older, one 3.5 years younger and another 10 years younger than me. I am (and always have been) closest to the youngest one.

we won't have another child for a good few years (if another at all) but i certainly will be waiting until DD2 is in school, so probably a 5-6 year age gap. I think it will be fine.

I have 2 DDs: a 5.9 year old and a 2 week old

I always wanted to have more than one and thought that a gap of about 4 to 5 years would work well for me. In the end it took a bit longer but the trigger to actually go for it was when DD1 started to ask for a sibling as she saw a number of her friends at creche.

Having said that I'm aware that she is making a 5 year-old's judgement about having a baby brother or sister, not a 10 year-old's judgement about having a pre-school sister (for example, iyswim).

So far so good, she's absolutely lovely with LO, not at all jealous, and mostly very helpful - although has quickly worked out that it is harder for me to enforce requests ("can you get dressed please" answer "no" as she eyes me up feeding LO.

Agree with those who wouldn't consult a child. Why ?? She's a child, not a party to the marriage. Do you actually agree with your dh that your child's opinion counts in this issue ?

My youngest ds (4) and my dd (9) want me to have another baby; sweet, but they were told definitely not. Their daddy and i had decided "no more" so end of discussion.

If you both want another and have had fertility problems, surely now's the time to start ? It may end up being a six year gap anyway...

....and nothing wrong with that of course !

My gaps are 21m, 3 years and 5 years; we weren't sure about having no.4, then dh was ill and on meds so we waited a bit longer for him. My older 3 were 10,8 and 5 when he was born. They all adore him and vice versa.

I'm sure there are pros & cons to all different age groups and that families just get on with whatever they're given. There are 15 years between my mum and her younger sisiter and almost 30 years between my Dad's oldest and youngest brothers. I wouldn't say any of them are particularly close to their siblings, but I'm sure their parents didn't regret it.

but the idea that a 6yo gets a say in wether you have another child is down right scary imo.

There are four years between my DD and DS, it's a great age gap, she's old enough to understand that 3year olds can be little bleeders and he is young enough to play whatever game she tells him to!

I'm not sure about discussing it with your other child TBH, I did mention to my two that I was thinking of having another before I got pg this time round and they were both happy with it but if they hadn't been I doubt it would have changed anything.

I think this age gap stuff is very unimportant. If you want more children decide if the time is right for you and your partner and go for it. If it is wrong, wait.

I would never ask my 3 yr old's opinion - he doesn't know what sandwich he wants for lunch each day and he doesn't remember to poo in the potty so I am not about to base a life changing decision on his input alone.

I
What if you find getting pg difficult in 3 years time or it doesn't happen at all - are you happy to only have one child or an even bigger gap?

BUT if you start trying now and get pg straight away are you ready and willing to be a Mum in 9/10 mths?

Pg may impact you very differently if you are 6 years older than the last time

What do you see yourself doing in five years time and does that make you happy - ie. back to work/staying at home doing school run/school run and nightfeeding at the same time etc?

Are there reasons to wait (other than dd) that waiting/starting now makes sense for you and dh?

I agree with whoever said you are worrying too much about your dd in all of this!

Please think very carefully before you give your 5 year old a say in whether you do/don?t have another baby. This is slightly different but?

When I was 7 my mum fell pregnant accidentally. Because I am visually impaired, my mum had severe misgivings about having another child, because she was afraid that she might have another baby with a disability, and given no reason has been given for my blindness other than it was something in the brain, her fear was that any subsequent babies may be more severely disabled. But she did not make this decision on her own, we all discussed it as a family, whether we as siblings would want her to have another baby etc. My sister did, I viemently didn?t, I hated babies . So as a 7 year old I was consulted about whether I wanted my mum to have another baby, I didn?t, so based on her feelings about disability etc, she had a termination.

For years I carried the guilt about that termination. That my mum had aborted a baby because of me, that if I hadn?t been blind she would probably have had the baby. And then, about 3 years later, the talk of babies came up, I don?t know how but someone jokingly said mum should have IVF and have another baby as she was so taken with the gc?s, and she then said to me ?but you never wanted me to have another baby.? .

So now I still wonder whether she holds me responsible for her not continuing with that pregnancy, be it because of my disability, or because of the fact she discussed with her 7 year old the possibility of having a termination and her 7 year old said she didn?t want a sibling.

If your dd says she doesn?t want a sibling, will you regret that in the future?

Please don?t make this your dd?s decision.

Go for it now, if it takes you a couple of years to concieve then you will have that gap anyway. Your dh is placing too much importance on the feelings of a three year old.

We have a three year old Lucy too , if I asked her if she wanted a sibling she would emphatically say yes, but she would have no comprehension of what that means. Even at 5 she will have no better idea.

We will TTC when it suits us (tbh it would suit me now but not dh atm) not when it suits Lucy. I don't believe there is a right time or a wrong time to have another, just whatever suits individuals.

Sounds like you have worked all this out in your own head, you just need to convince dh

One of the advantages of siblings (of any age gap) assuming they are at least civil to each other is to support each other when you and your DH are old (or dead!). Are you going to factor that in to your decision making if your 3/6 yr old says she doesn;t like babies?!

most children are given no choice whatsoever about whether they have siblings and the vast majority adjust to whatever the family unit is.

agree with kew, it's up to you, not your dd who's got no real understandig of waht you mean anyway!
as for age gap, whatever age gap you have - 12 months or 12 years - it'll be right for your family because that's the way it IS for your family..

both have advantages, of course, but a bigger gap means your older child can "help" more with the baby and you'll have one-to-one time with the baby when your older child is at school - (of course, you'll also have fit in some one-to-one time with your dd)

do what YOU want to do and, the odds are, your dd would adore her sibling
good luck!

MissingMyHeels,

I have just read you post and think I sound like your mother! I will always end up having a child under ten i think too!I too, do think its great in a way when you leave a gap cos you can really devote all your time to each child. MY 8 YR old had all those yrs with us and our undivided attention and sometimes now when i feel guilty that im 'ignoring' him while i deal with the baby i remind myself of that. And i also tell myself that we will get our time back together again eventually!

As I said previously though, I wish I hadnt left quite a huge gap, purely because he would have loved a brother or sister when he was younger to play with and although he loves his baby brother now their interests are going to be so different when growing up. I am planning another close to this last one and then i feel guilty about that cos DS 1 will be the outsider!

I think whatever decision you make it comes with its own set of difficulties. My sister has a 3 yr old and is thinking of having another and i tell her do it within the next yr or so, so the gap isnt too big but her first child is independent enough for her to cope ok.

my dh has a brother 11 years older than him.
they get on great. he also had a brother just under 3 years younger than him that he's
never really got on with. as small children a close age gap means they can play more together, but when their adults, anything can happen! good luck.

I have a sister 6 years younger and hate it - we have never been into the same things at the same times and I have often taken over the mothering role as I have 6 years more experience - we fight like cat and dog sometimes but sometimes get on - mainly we're indifferent.

Having watched other familie I wish there was a smaller age gap between us something between 20 months and 3 years.

BTW I am 23 and DS is 17