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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

is 6 years too big a gap between siblings?

119 replies

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 19:34

Does anyone think a 6 year age gap between siblings is too big?
Our daughter will be 3 in March and I thought about trying for another baby soon after but my husband would like to wait longer as he feels it wouldn't be fair on our daughter to have no say in the matter, and he feels the baby would take all the attention away from her. He would like a 6 year gap so that Lucy is settled in to school and pretty independant. He also says that we could enjoy them more seperatly and it would be less stressfull. What do you guys think ? I want to do what's best for our daughter but don't know if siblings will bond or have anything in common after a 6 year gap.

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yurt1 · 14/01/2008 20:47

ds2 and ds3 (3 year age gap) get on enormously well - they live in each others pockets. DS1 and ds2 (3 year age gap) don't ge ton particularly well. Ds1 and ds3 (6 year age gap) fight in a very brotherly way a lot (and ds1 is severely autistic so we see this as an achievement and positive).

Go for whatever age gap suits you - but remember often babies have their own ideas about when they're going to appear (ds2 and ds3 unplanned, ds1 took a while to conceive)

carmenelectra · 14/01/2008 20:47

I have just left an 8 yr gap and ds1 adores his baby brother and is agreat help to me too. Im sure it will all change in afew yrs but at the moment im finding it all quite easy. He is old enough not to feel jealous as well. In hindsight, maybe I wouldnt have left it quite so long, maybe acouple of yrs earlier, so I think 6 yrs is fine.

There advantages and disadvantages to both small and large gap so I wouldnt worry. Think from parents point of view its easier with big gap, but I also know its a worry how much they will have in common with each other. At the end of the day tho they will still love each other whatever the gap.

yurt1 · 14/01/2008 20:48

You can't ask a 3 year old though- she has no concept of 'having a sibling'. Blimey I'm 36, and an only child and have no concept of having a sibling- other than it looks like it can be wonderful or a disaster- depending on the sibling. I used to tell my parents I wanted an older brother

RubySlippers · 14/01/2008 20:49

i think you are weighting her opnion too strongly

what if she says no, and three months later says she would like a sibling

which answer do you take

chidlren are so changeable

also, IMHO it won't imapct on her the most - you will be the ones parenting, getting up in the night etc

you are right to talk to, and listen to your children but i honestly won't be asking my DS seriously if he wants a brother or sister ...

hunkermunker · 14/01/2008 20:51

Yes, it will have an impact on her life. But five year olds don't have the life experience to understand the full range of implications a sibling has on their life - I'm not sure I understand them totally and I am considerably older than five. I went through phases as a child where I really wished I was an only child, but I wouldn't be without my siblings now, as an adult. Had anyone asked me at five, I'd probably have said no thank you.

You can't expect a five year old to have an appreciation of anything beyond the immediate, so allowing her to have "a say in the matter" is a bit bizarre from that pov. But you say she won't have the final say, so I don't really understand what you're teaching her by allowing her any sort of "say" - that her opinions don't matter much? That she'll be asked, but ignored?

If you want another child, have one. Her life will be affected by it, but you have to think of her whole life - and there's every chance she stands to gain a great deal from having a sibling.

psychomum5 · 14/01/2008 20:54

ok, point taken, some sibling HATE each other.....

but

you are assuming that if and when your DD agrees you will just be able to have one, and life doesn't work like that.

what if tomorrow she decides YES, I would like a baby sister and you try, then you fall for a brother, and she decides she doesn't want either......what then????

children are fickle....they change their minds constantly.....plus also she will only see the fun side possibly, and will not have the maturity to know the hard side of it all.

here is no right way and no wrong way, but you asked for an opinion, and some of have stated them.

families are what you make them, and yes, children are part of families and so should be counted.....but she is not the one falling pregnant or caring for the new baby, YOU ARE, and in all honestly, it should be you and DH making the choice and then allowing her to experience the joy of it all from then on.

hunkermunker · 14/01/2008 20:54

Ah, yes, I think you having another child will affect your life more than your DD's!

I do think that often people who are considering another child forget that they'll love it as much as their first one.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 20:55

Oh no yurt1, I would try to find out wether she'd like a sibling when she's 5ish. I know it's still very young but she has a baby cousen due on her 3rd birthday so she'll have some idea of what a baby is like.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 14/01/2008 20:56

So your oldest child will get a say but your youngest child wont? your youngest child cant say well no-one asked me if i wanted an older sister?

hunkermunker · 14/01/2008 20:58

Good point, LMG.

MLL, I do think you're overthinking this.

yurt1 · 14/01/2008 20:59

you can't ask her though- - she can't choose boy/girl/ disabled/non-disabled/sociable/quiet/bookish/thuggish etc - all the variables that can arise from having a sibling. A baby is always some sort of stab in the dark- you get what you're given and a 5 year old can't be expected to make that sort of decision.

psychomum5 · 14/01/2008 21:00

what if at 5 she would like a sibling, and then you find that you can't have one??

you said that you had issues falling for her, so what if you have issies falling again?

what then???

and what if she does want one, then you have one, and she turns about the day you come home from hospital and says she hates the baby......will you still listen?

you do need to take her views into consideration about sertain things, but a whole new life????

only you can make that choice......you and DH.

noonar · 14/01/2008 21:00

i think it can be harder to adapt to not being the only child anymore if a child is older. she will be used to having you all to herself and may find it hard to adapt.

however, if the fertility treatment really took it out of you, i can understand dh wanting a long gap!

hunkermunker · 14/01/2008 21:02

What if she says no now and then when she's 17 says, "I wish I had a sister/brother"?

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 21:02

O.K point taken on asking her oppinion. I have no experience of 5 year olds, I don't know any other children appart from our Daughter.

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hunkermunker · 14/01/2008 21:04

MLL, honestly, do what's right for you and your DH. Your DD will fit into that, because that's what her experience will be and that's what your family will be.

Ask her which sort of fruit juice she wants if you want her to make decisions that affect her

And go for the age gap you feel you can handle - don't worry too much about what your DD will make of it. She might be excellent/a nightmare at any age re a sibling.

MissingMyHeels · 14/01/2008 21:05

There are six years between me and my younger sister and then another six years between her and our brother (and a 12yr age gap for me obviously!).

It has it's perks and downsides I would say - like any age gap I guess! I have very little in common with my brother and sister at the moment as sister is 15 and brother is coming up 9. However, I still argue with my sister and she still argues with my little brother but we don't really have anything to then make up and "bond" over. I am sure it's possible for this to change when they are older though.

My Mum liked the age gaps because it meant we all got time on our own being young but she doesn't like it because she has had a child under 10 for the last 20 odd years so doesn't have that time where she has no kids ifsywim... She is 47 and her friends have kids who have all left home/are at uni etc and she still has a baby. Given the opportunity she would have had us closer in age.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 21:06

That is such a good point lovemygirls! I never thought of it like that.

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Hulababy · 14/01/2008 21:09

There is 9 years between me and my sister. When she was a baby I treated her a bit like a doll, like I was a mini mum. As I got a bit older, as a teen, it was a bit harder - mainly as we shared a room (wouldn't advise unless necessary BTW) but I was always protective of her. As DD became older, leaving school, etc. we get on fabulously!

A friend of ours has boys - 10 years between DS1 and DS2, and 10 years between DS2 ans DS3. Not planned that way but how it happened. They are really happy with how things are goig.

My DD is now 5y9m and I have so far been unable to have baby #2. I hope to have a second, so age gap will be bigger than 6 years if I do manage that.

Hulababy · 14/01/2008 21:10

Oh and two of my friends have a 5.5yo-6yo cild, and have just had heir secnd babies. Again, seems really good for them. The older sibling seem really interested and happy with the situation.

suedonim · 14/01/2008 21:18

I don't think a 6yr gap is an issue, I have gaps of 4.5, 8 and 9yrs between my dc and they all get on well together. I think letting a 5yo child have a say in family planning is an issue, though. Suppose a baby came along anyway (babies don't always obey our dictats - I should know! ) after your dd had declared she didn't want a sibling? Giving a small child such a huge amount of power is very unfair to them, imo.

dippydeedoo · 14/01/2008 21:23

we have 3 children 14,12 and 7 the 7 year old is adored by eldest brother fair game for scrapping with middle son middle son and eldest either love each other or hate each other-i dont think age gaps are that relevant it all depends on the child .....a bigger gap means more time to be an exclusive older child a shorter gap and they may forget they were ever an only one ....not much help really was i? lol

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 21:23

I won't ask her oppinion on wether she want's a sibling. Thank you everyone for your points of view on this. I'm glad I mentioned it as I could realy be in trouble for asking her. For example she might ask for a "brown baby" like her favourate doll, and best friend at nursery.
On a more seriousnote she might love a sibling and we may not be able to have another. That would be the worst thing.

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pooka · 14/01/2008 21:29

I bet if you asked her now if she'd like a baby brother or sister she'd say yes. DD is 4.5, as a younger brother of 2, and is very keen for another. But the final say is mine and dh's. Not her's. Not ds's.
Personally I think that a 6 year age gap would have benefits, i.e. she would be at school (though that would be true when she's 4 or 5 as well, or at pre-school so any time soon). But there are negatives too - imagine trying when she is 10 to find things to do that would suit a 10 year old and a 4 year old (and that's if you are lucky enough to get pregnant to order).
My younger older brother is 4.5 years older than me. My elder brother is 6 years older than me. He was horrible to me when I was little, and I had practically nothing to do with them when I was younger because we had nothing in common. Now we all get along fine, are close and so on. But that didn't happen until I was about 16, or even when I went to university, and was perhaps helped along by both of them living back at home at various times after they had been to university.
I love the age gap between dd and ds - they are partners in crime (sometimes). This has only really happened since ds has been more verbal and mobile. I would like another child, but am conscious that I want to have one soonish in order that the age gap between dd and the youngest is not too huge.

Original poster

mummyloveslucy · 14/01/2008 21:42

It took me two years to concieve Lucy and there isn't a big chance of me concieving again as time goes on so I'm not sure wether or not just to go for it and what will be will be? I'm not great at this as I like to have everything planned and worked out but I know that life isn't like that. I have to take my husband in to concideration too obviously.

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