Should I make my 3 year old DD see her grandmother who scares her?

[Anna8888]

My daughter has told me that she doesn't want to see her grandmother (my MOL) and point blank refuses to spend time with her alone, even though she has done this in the past.

This morning she woke up and had quite a crisis about this - my MOL was due to pick her up from school on Friday and take her back to her house for lunch. My daughter didn't want to go to school because she wanted to "hide from her grandmother". Several times today she has said, in a slightly distressed voice, "I want to stay with you Mummy" and once she told me she was scared of her grandmother.

What do I do? Do I override my daughter's feelings or go along with them?

Thank you for all your replies. I've discussed it with my partner and we've agreed that we will not be sending our daughter to her grandmother's on her own for the time being.

The option of me and her going round together, or my MOL coming round when my partner isn't around, just doesn't exist. My MOL doesn't want to be alone with me without other adults around.

Anna, what on earth is going on about the visiting situation? Is she worried that you are going to kill her or something?

I really feel for you (having a similar situation myself) but I have to say that your physical description of her did make me lol- she does in fact sound like the classic gangster's moll!

At least your partner is on your side.

evelina - why she doesn't want to be alone with me? I scare her stupid because I don't behave in the only way she knows . She can't cope with anything new or unpredictable at all.

She sounds like a strange fish, to be honest. Maybe the two of you should go to relationship counselling. Just kidding.

Poor you. Sounds very difficult. Mine has been a "challenge" from day one as well, but I have recently implemented an "arm's length" policy which seems to be working much better for everyone in the family (less rows).
As for your lo, well if your partner is in agreement then I would follow your instincts. Good luck.

evelina - I've actually always kept my MOL at arm's length, since I have the benefit of hindsight of my sister's experience with her French MIL, and lots of friends' weird experiences too. So I started as I meant to continue. But for all that I wanted my DD to have a relationship with her grandmother, even if I knew that I would never have one with my MOL.

Oh well. I'm not going to torture my DD and my partner doesn't want to torture her either - his mother exasperates him too .

Eleusis - she's been going to the shrink since 1994... don't think it's done her much good though