Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Should I make my 3 year old DD see her grandmother who scares her?

31 replies

Anna8888 · 19/12/2007 13:59

My daughter has told me that she doesn't want to see her grandmother (my MOL) and point blank refuses to spend time with her alone, even though she has done this in the past.

This morning she woke up and had quite a crisis about this - my MOL was due to pick her up from school on Friday and take her back to her house for lunch. My daughter didn't want to go to school because she wanted to "hide from her grandmother". Several times today she has said, in a slightly distressed voice, "I want to stay with you Mummy" and once she told me she was scared of her grandmother.

What do I do? Do I override my daughter's feelings or go along with them?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nailpolish · 19/12/2007 13:59

go with them

Saturn74 · 19/12/2007 14:00

Go with them.
How old is your DD?

ggirlsbells · 19/12/2007 14:02

agree go with them

she needs you

my son is being very clingy atm

doesn't want to go to anyones house for tea

I have to juts accept that atm he needs extra security from being with me.
don't know why
pita

crokky · 19/12/2007 14:05

accompany daughter to see grandmother to make sure she is less scared.

Original poster

Anna8888 · 19/12/2007 14:06

She's 3.1.

She's not being clingy in other ways - quite happy to go to school and do usual stuff and talks with great enthusiasm about forthcoming Christmas visit from my parents, my sister, my BIL and her cousins, as well as parties etc - she's a very sociable child.

It's just MOL who's the problem.

OP posts:

GloriaInEleusis · 19/12/2007 14:09

I think you should override unless you have reson to believe your MOL could be harming her. This might just mean she is attached to you and it is manifesting itself as anti-grandmother. Or it could be that she witnessed someone else's grandmother being mean at school and has generalised this to all grandmothers are bad. If it was some random aquaintence, I'd probably go with DD's feelings. But, this is her grandmother and I personally think children need to lear that they can not treat grandmothers's like this (assuming she is a pleaseant normal loving grandmother).

ja9ladiesdancing · 19/12/2007 14:10

i think you should accompany her. but that she should see her gran. i'd also try and talk to her / reassure her quite a bit.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 19/12/2007 14:11

I wouldn't force her to go if she really doesn't want too and would try and talk to her to see if she can say anything that will help you understand why she is frightened. It could be nothing to do with her Gran and be more she is worried about you not coming back.

allIWannaBeForChristmas · 19/12/2007 14:11

what is your relationship like with your mil, as you're referring to her as mol I'm presuming you have your own feelings about her? Is it possible your own feelings about your mil are being projected on to your dd?

tbh I think if your dd doesn't want to go to granny's house alone that's fair enough, unless you need her to go to mil's for any reason ie you have things of your own to do, but I don't necessarily think it's reasonable to say that your dd doesn't have to see her at all - she is her grandmother after all. I would go round there with her/invite mil over so they can still spend time together.

AnAngelWithin · 19/12/2007 14:14

has she said why she is scared of grandma? personally, if any of my dcs said they were scared of any of their grandparents, i would be going mad wondering why!!

Original poster

Anna8888 · 19/12/2007 14:30

I have always encouraged my MOL to come round and spend time with us in a casual way - ie pick up DD from school and go over to the park etc - but this is not my MOL's "thing". She wants to be able to take DD out on her own, without me, to go shopping and out to tea. Which she has done, with moderate success (they tend to come back early).

The issue about this Friday lunchtime was that I have an appointment with a lawyer, together with my partner and my FOL, so my MOL was going to pick up my DD from school and take her to her house for lunch until my FOL brought me back from the appointment. So my MOL consented to pick my DD up from school on Monday, with me, as a practice run. We both used the occasion to explain to my DD what was going to happen on Friday. And ever since - hey ho - I've been getting major complaints from my DD.

OP posts:

ComeOVenReadyturkey · 19/12/2007 14:33

Sorry what is MOL?

DarrellRivers · 19/12/2007 14:35

I am picturing a Gangster's moll..
Is this the case?

FioFio · 19/12/2007 14:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Anna8888 · 19/12/2007 14:36

Mother-Out-of-Law ie mother of partner to whom I am not married

OP posts:

DarrellRivers · 19/12/2007 14:38

Very correct
I suppose your DD is still a little young for doing things without you if she likes the security of you being around

Original poster

Anna8888 · 19/12/2007 14:42

She goes to school every day for three hours, so she is quite used to doing things without me being around. And she is perfectly happy to spend a whole day with my mother, or with her father, and she copes with babysitters. So it's not a question of me being around or not - I think it really is that she doesn't like my MOL.

My MOL is quite an old lady (70) who is very large and wrinkled and wears a lot of make-up and fur coats and big gold jewellery - not a soft and cuddly granny...

OP posts:

GloriaInEleusis · 19/12/2007 14:56

Ah, perhaps she is not as much fun in the eyes of a 3 year old. But, as you have somewhere you need to be, I think your DD will just have to cope, and perhaps be rewarded for good behaviour.

My mum is a bit like this. She likes to go to posh restaurants and doesn't really understand that it isn't realistis to expect a 2 year old to sti sit quietly through the meal. And there are four of us -- we must have been bloody well behaved.

Original poster

Anna8888 · 19/12/2007 15:29

LOL Eleusis, my MOL is not a "fun" lady... whether you are 3, 30 or 90 .

I could reward my daughter's endurance (she won't behave badly)... still not at all sure about this...

OP posts:

Madlentileater · 19/12/2007 15:34

I aggree with AAW, I would be wondering why she doesn't want to be left alone with granny. Spare your MOL's feelings by letting her visit the two of you, but I would trust what your daughter is saying esp if she is confident elsewhere. Maybe ask her in a very neutral, non leading way why she doesn't want to be with her?

madamez · 19/12/2007 15:34

Have you any suspicion at all that your MOL could be doing something unacceptable or frightening to your DD? (I am not suggesting anything really awful but, for instance, is your MOL irritable, or a very strict disciplinarian? Is she likely to think it OK to give a small child a smack for misbehaviour when you do not?) If so, then I think you may need to make other arrangements for your DD on that day, and don't make her spend time alone with her GM until she's a bit older. Because, to a 3 year old, time is a bit of an elastic concept and a coule of hours can seem like forever if you are with someone who scares you or makes you sad.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 19/12/2007 15:35

what's a MOL?

Original poster

Anna8888 · 19/12/2007 15:38

My MOL was undoubtedly a very different mother to my own mother. My partner was not allowed in the sitting room as a child (even though the family lived in a flat, so not much space), she hit her sons with slippers, threw them in the swimming pool to teach them to swim etc.

My MOL has definitely mellowed with the years and wouldn't use those techniques on her grandchildren, but she is still an emotionally confused person who can be verbally abusive and violent. She tries her very best with her grandchildren but I think her style is incredibly different to mine (to to my mother's or to my partner's) and that my daughter doesn't like it and even finds it frightening.

OP posts:

GloriaInEleusis · 19/12/2007 15:45

erm... okay, my mother is not like THAT. She just like posh restaurants and lives a life of luxury. But, I never got anything thrown at me.

Although my evil sister did once force my off the high dive by standing on the latter behind me and refusing to let me back down... big meanie!

Anyway, I do think maybe I wouldn't force the issue. I might tell DD she had to go this time (because it's already planned and would probably cause quite a lot of resentment if you backed out now) but in future I would probably join DD if she wanted me to.

Madlentileater · 19/12/2007 15:51

hmmm...seems enough reason for your dd not to want to be with her and quite reasonably I would say, make some excuse to get out of the arrangement and have her visit you both in future

Flip

1 2