Just experienced a new feeling - being a first time and everyone hating me for being useless! did i hurt my baby?

[bumbly]

I never thought this would come with being a new mum...

hubby giving me disapproving fleeting comments (not on purpose mind you) but whenever i make little mistakes...

same with my monther..saying you and all your books and courses and yet dpn't even know how to hold a baby

a course doesn't teach you that!!!

basically whenever I do something wrong - as am a completely non baby person...people give me bad vibe looks...

story: yesterday I was holding baby to my chest..he was rooting around as was hungry then went into a huge tantrum...i got my long hair stuck and with one hand was trying to release it..then all of sudden..LO's head jerked violently back - hit my other hand and he hit my chest back again

he cried but it was more the fact that head went in a funny angle back and forward!

am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worried...did i cause any brain damage???

been worried sick all day and reduced to tears..

i know how shaking harms little ones..and here i was holding him when he suddenly jerked his head back in a horrible angle!
how do you know if you have caused any damage to his little neck, spine and esp his brain??

i seem to be esp bad with the holding thing...everything else seems fine....

am now petrified of picking him up - in case i hurt him again!

I'm sure he's fine and cried out of shock. I yelled at ds cos he would n't stop crying one night and felt cr&p afterwards but it does pass. You'll make sure you support him betttr next time .

oh bumbly don't worry. Please don't let people undermine you.

I'm sure your baby cried because he bumped his nose more than any real damage. If you still feel worried talk to your health visitor but I'm sure from what you say that this is nothing.

You are just so anxious because, unknowingly, your dh and mother have undermined you with their comments.

I think it's really important to let them know. I think because you are coping well, they just assume that you are fine. However as new mums we ALL need to be told we are doing well. I remember my mum who is the most undemonstrative person in the world, got me a card when ds was a few weeks old, saying all the blurb about being the "best mum in the world" etc etc. Of course I wasn't, I was struggling like mad but just the boost I got from knowing that she thought I was a good mum was so incredibly important.

I think you should tell your DH and mum that you need their back up, suuport, and you need them to tell you that you're doing ok.

Which you obviously are; just this post itself shows what an attached, loving, sensible mum you are

Bumbly - try not to worry. I think you are especially sensitive when you've recently given birth to what others are saying/intimating with regards to the way you are dealing with your baby. But he is your baby and you have to try to block these remarks out. I think your Mum was particularly insensitive. Good luck! x

Dont worry he will be fine, although they seem fragile at this age they are very robust. Tell everyone who makes comments to you to F* Off. It is hard enough being a new first time mummy without horrible comments and looks from other people. He is your child and what you are doing will be just right for him, trust me. He will grow up no matter what. It is all trial and error with babies especially your first but all they really need to thrive is the unconditional love that mummy will give them. You are doing a good job, remember that.

Try not to worry. My DD is 8 weeks old and often headbutts me .

She loves lying against my chest but when she's had enough, she gets very fustrated, grabs my hair (and it bloody hurts), goes completely rigid and thrashes about. She often whacks her head against my chest.

I'm sure he'll be fine - and I'm certain you hold your DS absoultely fine as well. Don't take any notice of others - nobody is perfect - and if they think they are - let them have a go for a couple of hours while you get your head down for a rest .

Don't be worried about picking him up again - he needs lots of cuddles from his mummy

Babe you won't hurt your baby. They all do that violent jerking thing and always when one hand is occupied.

As to other's comments......... we were all first time mums once and all had to learn how to hold and deal with our babies.

The only person who can be mummy to your baby is YOU! Don't let others destroy your confidence and take away this really precious time with you wee one.

oh and holding babies does for some people, take time to feel right. I'd only held a baby a few times in my life before I had ds and I was clueless and felt very clumsy and worried when picking him up.

Then one day it just clicked and became completely natural feeling.

It will be ok soon.

Bumbly you poor soul

what a nasty rude thing for your mother to say to you

you sound like a fab and devoted mother. Please don't worry so much. You are learning at the same time as your baby, and YOU are the only person who is his mother - you are the perfect person for him - and all the picking up bit etc will come naturally soon. FWIW I am very clumsy with babies too and always feel I am holding them awkwardly - IT DOESN'T MATTER - they don't break easily - and you will be good at different things that some other people will find hard

what mars said
You are doing absolutely fine Bumbly... they all do it ..they are very jumpy and very jerky when they are little aren't they?...and we've all done it at some point because as mars said ...we've all had to learn.
Chin up

Well when dd was 2 weeks old I nearly dropped her down the stairs. And the most embarrassing time was when I was at the post-natal course at the Health Clinic, and was holding her with her head sticking out beyond my arms, forgot and whacked her head on a display about breastfeeding. In front of everyone and in the presence of health visitors.

No harm done though, although I did obsess about potential shaken baby syndrome for some time.

To be honest, holding a little baby only really came naturally with ds, my second. Then was perfectly comfortable hoicking him around 1 armed while simulatenously making supper/changing dd's nappy.

Bumbly, dh and I have 3 children. You would have thought by know we'd be experts. Yet all three of them have been dropped underwater in the bath, have fallen off our bed and landed on their heads, have had gravel and lego and paper fished out of their mouths - have eaten paper that we've later discovered in their nappies!

You're doing absolutely fine - what better place could there be for your ds to have a flail and bash himself than your chest and arms?

Go ahead, pick him up, cuddle him, get to know him, find your shared rhythm. See if you can have some time alone with him in a heap on the double bed, where you will feel cradled and private, and just...play...stroke...love him. You'll be OK

he got a shock, that's all Bumbly. Don't be frightened of him, and have no truck with people who make you feel bad.

Don't worry babies are very resilient little things, I'm sure he's fine {{{{Hugs}}}} try not to be too hard on yourself, everyone learns as they go along. Sure dh is feeling just as new to all of this as you are and as for mother, she should be nicer, she had to learn too once right?

Please ignore what people around you are saying.It's complete and utter rubbish! Your baby wil be fine I doubt there is abbay out there that hasn't headbutted their mum a good few times! Being a grand parent can dothestrangest things to women I've found, my Mum who has always been the sweetest most supportive woman in the world shocked me when my sister had a baby recently,she completely took over implying that my sister didn't have a clue (made me take a long hard look at my own postnatal experiences I can tell you!)
I think it is a wird kind of jealousy that makes them act like that. Chin up I bet you are doing a fab job

Message withdrawn

you and your baby sound fine, it's your mother and dh that are being crap here.

i really had to put the hard word on my mum when dd was first born, because she kept tutting and rolling her eyes at me. i have NO IDEA why she did it, and she of course now has no recollection of it.

it hurt like buggery that she thought i was doing things 'wrong' - but she didn't really, and the only thing i can think of is that she was over-excited at her grand-daughter and was suffering some sort of weird conflict over the fact that her daughter had a daughter, iykim?

anyway, i just sat her down and told her that i would not accept it, that while she might think she was being funny i didn't have space for it in my head cos i was under enough pressure, thanks very much, so she needed to have a good think to herself and just bloody wel support every half-arsed thing i did from then on. and she did, i'm glad to say.

(i didn't tell her when i banged ten-day-old dd's head off a door post though...)

Oh, I know that feeling of being undermined and criticised by your mother. Ignore her! Don't know what happens to some mothers when their daughters have babies, but many get very critical - lots of posts on here about it.

Babies are, luckily, quite hard to break. Everyone on here has dropped their baby at some point, I guarantee it. Or their baby has fallen off a bed or whatever.

I've had four years experience of motherhood and STILL nearly dropped my three month old niece when she did that pulling back thing you describe while I was carrying her.

lol x-posted with doodle.

Babies are bendy so try not to worry

Even with my third baby, in the first weeks after he was born I was extremely panicked and cautious about everything. It is normal, but also you need to know that when we feel like this and worry about teeny things it is also slightly irrational!

I used to worry about walking down the stairs with my baby in my hands - as if I'd suddenly start falling down them having never done so before!

So, give yourself permission to be extra cautious but don't let it eat you up - you are doing fine. Your maternal instinct and bond is already very srong

where would i be without mumsnet....thanks for being my friends and giving me support...had an awful evening and night worrying sick re my LO

ten days old today...milestone...

yet all i can think about is how I will only know in years to come if I have done some brain damage...he just jerked his head so violently backwards yesterday during a tantrum ....just when I wasn't supporting it...and then snapped it back...

oh yes he has headbutted my sternum loads of times as other mumsnetters mention below..but it was the horrible backwards bending that scared hubby...

shaken baby?

sweating with worry!!

bumbly, really, honestly, all babies do this.

Just have faith that had something been really wrong, you would have known.

Babies are hard wired to survive and grow. and NO baby would ever have grown up if they could do themselves damage in this way, or if it was as easy as that to get 'shaken'.

I honestly think you just need to talk to someone who can reassure you by looking at the baby; HV, GP?

firstly you haven't harmed your baby.

secondly how can you be useless when you have produced such a perfect little bundle?

thirdly, anyone that makes you feel bad or no good needs to be told to back off. you need help and positive encouragment right now and if your mother isn't giving it to you then just don't invite her over.

as for your partner, anytime he makes a remark you find hurtful place the baby somewhere safe and say "well you see if you can do it better" that way you are pointing out that you are both in this togther, you wont be spoken to like that and that you find it hurtfull

I think it is natural to feel a bit incompetant when you're a first time Mum - I certainly did - I let DP change all the nappies and do all of the non-feeding holding in the first week and was dreading him going back to work. I was so bad at doing baths and found the early holding a little difficult too. I was convinced my dd didn't like me as she always stopped crying for DP and started when I picked her up - it soon changed though and before long I was the only one who could keep her happy

It will come naturally to you soon and everyone else should butt out unless they're going to be helpful and supportive.

I dropped DS at mother and baby clinic after we'd been shown baby massage. Little sod was so oiled up he slipped straight through my hands and onto the mat at what felt like immense speed. Luckily I was sat at the time but boy did I agonise over that one.

He's fine by the way. I'm sure your baby will be too.

I have had 5 babies and I'm still all fingers and thumbs. My DD threw herself backwards when I was walking out of the room and bashed her head on the corner of the filing cabinet . We all do really silly things- it doesn't make you a bad mother and doesn't end up giving the baby brain damage.