Just experienced a new feeling - being a first time and everyone hating me for being useless! did i hurt my baby?

[bumbly]

I never thought this would come with being a new mum...

hubby giving me disapproving fleeting comments (not on purpose mind you) but whenever i make little mistakes...

same with my monther..saying you and all your books and courses and yet dpn't even know how to hold a baby

a course doesn't teach you that!!!

basically whenever I do something wrong - as am a completely non baby person...people give me bad vibe looks...

story: yesterday I was holding baby to my chest..he was rooting around as was hungry then went into a huge tantrum...i got my long hair stuck and with one hand was trying to release it..then all of sudden..LO's head jerked violently back - hit my other hand and he hit my chest back again

he cried but it was more the fact that head went in a funny angle back and forward!

am soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worried...did i cause any brain damage???

been worried sick all day and reduced to tears..

i know how shaking harms little ones..and here i was holding him when he suddenly jerked his head back in a horrible angle!
how do you know if you have caused any damage to his little neck, spine and esp his brain??

i seem to be esp bad with the holding thing...everything else seems fine....

am now petrified of picking him up - in case i hurt him again!

If you're still worried then kick up a fuss. Take him back to your GP and ask for a full examination. I agree that at two weeks old there isn't really a sleep pattern - he's just doing what newborns do and lulling you into a false sense of security before changing completely
If you are worried then getting your worries listened to is important. I think I know how you feel - I didn't even dare mention the possibility of brain damamge to anyone (DH included) before seeing the HV as I was worried they would agree it was a possibility, when I saw the HV I just kind of blurted it out.
I really don't want you to read this and think I am saying you have a reason to worry, because I don't think that, but I think if you ARE worried then a RL exam is the only thing that's going to help - a load of people on an internet forum telling you he's fine won't settle your mind, as I'm sure you know
Although MNers told me I was in labour when RL midwives had told me I wasn't...I was... but that's another story

If it makes you feel any better (which it probably wont) when DS1 was 3 weeks old I was coming downstairs in a pair of slippers and my foot went from under me and I actually dropped him down the stairs.
I was really worried at the time but he was absolutely fine.

To this day I never walk up and down the stairs in slipppers though.

hi bumbly,

you sound like a brilliant mummy, i'm sure you've not done anything to your baby at all, honestly I rememerb when DS was 9 weeks old and DH was bathing him he had him rested on his kness and DS fell and hit his head on the bath - he was absolutly fine - I wasn't DH wasn't but the baby was which is the main thing. if you're worried then see your GP or H/v.

at sucha young age all he wants is to be close to his mummy it's a strange world for him out here you knwo he likes the comfort of being close to you. so sleeping wise do as you must for both of you to rest- how do you feel about co sleeping?

unfortunalty no one here can give you the confidence you need with your LO, just trust your own judgements and your own ablilitys. it sounds to me like your DH and mum are severly underminding you which isn't helping at all you need RL support - try getting your m/w or H/v to tlak to your DH you must be united. mine listened tot he m/w and things improved. the confidence will come with time and as LO gets bigger of course. babies are wriggly and move about a lot. are you BF or bottle feeding? how would you feel about poping out to the shops for an hour or so and leaving DH to look after LO? he perhaps doens't understand al it entials to have a LOO - as i'm sure dads for the best will in the worlds don't fully appriciate it until the baby's been born for a while.

you can do this - you will do this. believe in yourself. also re the sleeping babies ah they settle into a pattern you think you ahve it sused then they change again - keeps you on your toes! and don't forget you'll prob have a growth spurt thrown in for good measure.

books are good to a point but rememeber baby hasn't read the books so he doesn't know waht he should be doing. just keep going as you are and you'll be fine - even if it means all you do for now is eat sleep feed and hold the baby

When my ist and 2nd children were both 8 months old I feel up the stairs while carrying them. On the same stair too. I hardly carried number 3 at 8 months....

also (sorry after my mamouth post) LO prob scared himself a bit by jerking back - and also as you're upset he will be - beleive it or not but babies are v v sensitive and pick up things if your anxious and crying chances are baby won't settle and will be upset etc. so possibly that also wasn't helping at the time if you were upset (naturally) iycwim.

How are you feeling now bumbly?

bit low

Sorry I didn't see this before now.
Go to the doctor's tomorrow, please. Ask to see a female one if you'd feel more comfortable. Explain how you've been feeling and ask for reassurance and help. Please do this, I'm sure there's absolutely nothing wrong with your LO but you need some RL reassurance.

Has your midwife discharged you? When do you see the health visitor?

agree with katy. we can only do so much do you have many RL mummy friends as it were?

not many friends at all - as all my friends are sporty types and no kids

but mumsnet really helping

i am alone - and also what has really surprised me is that my mum (who i have been very very very close to for years!!!) has now turned a bit weird on me and has critisized me no end and said I know nothing about being a mum and am actually going to have loads of problems and not doing it well

been very helpful when preg but now suddenly not helpful at all and actually seems to me as if she doesn't want me to spend time with my baby

has that happened to anyone?

kinda marring my first days with LO

bumbly - please talk to your HV - do you get on with your MIL at all? how is your DH now?

lot's of questions I know. I think mums sometimes also ahve a period of adj to go thru when they become grandparents. whilst every man jack and his dog will want to give you advice - by all means listen nod say yes yes ok thanks and chose if you want to do it or not - if it's best for your child. and beleive me you will know what's rihgt and what's not. being a parent with a NB is mostly about trial and error, you find you way but you and DH really need to be finding it together and supporting each toehr together - then you will ahve the strenght to deal with your mum. rather on your behalf tbh.

manybe a MN meet up would help? after all we're all mums together.

how old is your LO? (remember it does get easier I promise, as you get more confidence you'll get there) and the first 6 weeks or so are so draining and exhausting - the changes alone are more than enough. but honeslty don't let your mum undermind your confidence wiht your abilities- you can do this

are you eating and sleeping properly as well?

also you need to spend time with your baby you have to so this and if she has to take a back seat so be it - if she wants to help tehn ask her to do things around the hosue so you can focus on the LO. you need time to bond and she must understand this.

(sorry about the typos as well )

I think that mum's have a hard time understanding that it is so different to their day. They were given lessons in hospital on how to hold a baby, change a nappy, do a bath etc, etc. They stayed in far longer. We are given birth preparation not actual baby handling preparation. My mum was really shocked by how incompetent I was. I was terrified and had to ask her for help on how to do things! and she was also baffled by the fact that I was trying to learn it from books. She said "but the baby hasn't read the book". We are fine now. It was new mum anxiety for me and my mum didn't want to make it worse by 'telling' me how to do it. Maybe consider this and talk to your mum about it.

Only just seen this. Don't worry. I fell down the stairs with my baby . I broke a rib but she was fine.

Try and ignore these hurtful comments. It can take time to get used to having a baby but with practice it will come to you.

Perhaps your mum suddenly feels very old now her baby has just had one of her own. Ignore her nasty comments, and your mils. Don't ignore DHs - tell him he has upset you.

I think you need to talk to your mum. As she hasn't always been like this then hopefully she will be shocked to learn she's upsetting you. Explain that you need her constructive help and advice, but not her criticism.

bumbly love, haven't read all of the responses but I know they'll be words of encouragement and support and I'd like to add mine.

After I'd had my DD I was a complete emotional wreck (still am somedays). When you're pregnant you think about the decisions you'll have to make as a parent, the milestones and how you're going to bring up your child but to my total utter suprise I hadn't anticipated the emotional involvement that was delivered with my baby. By that I don't mean a gushing sort of love. That came later. I mean the overwhelming sense of responsibility. The way my heart jumped at every murmour and movement because of the anticipation that I, a previously non maternal person, was actually a mother and had to do something. That tiny thing needed me more that anything and it was petrifiying. Those first few weeks are incredibly hard, you are very fragile and you really need people near you that are going to support you. I don't have family close by so I never felt too frowned upon but comments on the telephone from mother, mil, sisters, you name it were enough make me question myself many a time. DH and I were both new to it so disagreed plenty about, well, everything. That makes you feel crap if previously you weren't the argumentative types. Basically what I'm trying to say is that everyone feels crap at first. Babies aren't delivered with intruction manuals and the fact that the only way they communicate is through crying is frankly nerve shattering. Your mother will always think she knows best but she's had experience and so has more confidence. It doesn't mean that she knows what is right for your baby. Only you will but it takes time to decipher what they want.

I think you should tell your mum that you're finding it really hard and that you're disappointed that shes not supporting you during a difficult time. Remind her that you're new to this and you want to learn at your own pace and being criticised is not helping. Don't push her away because in a couple of months you'll all feel differently and you don't want to irepairably damage a previously good relationship.

Good luck, you're doing a wonderful job. Enjoy your gorgeous new baby.

What we tend to forget is that most of our Mums have not had contact and experience with NBs for 30 years (or however old you are!) So much has changed in the past couple of decades in regard to childcare.

The other thing is, that your Mum obviously loves you, she has the same feelings for you that you have for your DS. And she feels the same love for your DS.

I think you have to speak to your Mum, invite her round for a cup of tea and tell her how you feel. That you understand that she is worried about her grandson, but that you need her support at the moment and not her critisism. She has to accept that you are a Mum now and that you decide what is best for your DS, not her.

Aside from that, how about looking to see if there is a mother/baby group nearby. If you have more contact with other Mums then you will get more self-confident.

well i did sort of talk to my mum- and unfortunately it was an outburst- so unlike me..just said she wasn't helping at all

she went to her room and sort of was grumpy for a day

today she is a bit better...but i have so much to do with LO haven't had chance to talk it out

but you all have been such great friends to me

THANKS SO SO SO SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS!

AM TRULY TOUCHED!!!

[SMILE]

Good for you Bumbly, it will get better.

Hi Bumbly,

My mum was a nursery nurse and nanny for 13 years before I was born, and she's seriously good at her job. Nonetheless, despite all that experience, I still managed to fall down steps in my babywalker, and no doubt many other things. My favourite line story from her - she was sitting with me, as a newborn, on the bed, I'm crying, she's crying, it's just not pretty. My Dad walks in - "why is she crying?" Mum "I DON'T KNOW!!!!!" Dad "I thought you were supposed to know...". Lord alone knows how he survived that one. (He's also the man who, when she told him she had gone into labour, said "Oh. Do you want a cup of tea?"). Anyway, just wanted to tell you that what she's constantly said to me (in my many many tearful 6am phonecalls to her) is that EVERYBODY finds in hard. EVERYBODY gets things wrong, no matter how much learning and experience you have.

Newborns are floppy and feel so so much more fragile than they actually are. You've had such a fright, but please try not to worry too much - you sound like a really wonderful mum, and he's a lucky little chap. You'll grow in confidence, I promise. I barely blinked the other day when my husband managed to break a light fitting with my daughter's head (lifting her a bit quickly and forgetting that he's 6' 3")...

lol Habbibu - loving the stories about your Mum and Dad!

Oh hun dont worry!!!!

When ds was 2 weeks old he fell of the sofa when dh dozed off for a second. Landed on his head on the wood floor.

I rushed him to the dr in hysterics certain we had caused brain damage or something... the dr gave me a pat on the back then very comfortingly told me that it happens to everyone - he said that half the mums he knows have done something similar and that the other half just dont admit to it!

Babies are very very tough! And as for your mum she needs to stop undermining you NOW! Being a mummy is the hardest job in the world and right now you need support and encouragement. Big hugs x

PS

DS was obviously completely undamaged by our momentary lapse in parenting skills!!!